Adult children

We always get a takeaway when family come. It's the best way to cope with last minute changes of plan as well as catering for fussy grandchildren, who can select what they will eat from the menu without me having to choose between cooking seperate things or watching sulky faces at the table.

Bella 2
I feel for you with your difficulties and really don't have a solution but can only say what I would do in your circumstances.
Things do change when adult children have partners and even more when they have children.
If the visits from any of your family are cancelled then there is little you can do about that.
I would call in on your families like the in laws seem to do. Would this cause problems do you think, only you know that. I would try it see what happens, ask the girl friends if any day is better than another for your visits that you know they are now busy with the little ones but you could help and would only stay for an hour or two.
If this didn't work and you get no positive response just phone but do not loose touch with the boys.
Your daughter and SIL need to sort out the in law problem before they take over, this you can't get involved in and I would keep out of it. But you could still call in on your daughter, so what if the in laws are there. Make it a lovely visit for your daughter and her children which I am sure your daughter will appreciate but don't over stay your welcome.
Never loose contact with your family but I would not be giving money to them.
When we become adults it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves not rely on our parents. I would just say sorry but we don't have any money to spare. If you are always the crutch they will never stand on their own two feet.
My niece was made redundant last year she could have paid off her mortgage but didn't instead all the money went to her two sons. Both in their 30s who all their lives have asked for money from her and she foolishly as given it.

Calling in is not something that the AC partners have welcomed. Only been once to an AC's house, by invitation, and not had another invitation since. As AC is in work then it seems we are not considered when such invitations are handed out. As for DD, the situation there is very difficult, don't want to say too much, but calling in is not the best option, as we have sadly found out. We do not want to lose touch with AC, especially the sons, as being son's, we know that contact can become less until it can cease altogether.

As for food when they have visited, we have offered them food but they say no, ( even though AC has said they will come for a meal) and have a takeaway instead, as they eat at different times to us, but do not ask if we want anything lol

Funny old world isn't it.......

I am so glad Christmas is over and we can get back to 'normal', knowing that the normal is not what we would like to happen between us and AC, visits etc. We are trying to have a different approach to this situation now and just keep reminding ourselves not to expect anything and then we won't be disappointed.

Yeah it's much worse over the xmas period. At least we have other stuff to distract us the rest of the year.

Hi Bella2
Just wondered how things are now ... I have a different kind of family problem, but it all boils down to one thing - AC are insensitive to their parents' feelings.
All the best !

I am interested too, for similar reasons

Thanks for asking, crazyH. One ac is moving and didn't so much as ask to borrow money towards the deposit but informed us how much they would need! I was hurt at this, as there was no thank you after we decided to lend it as ac said they were getting a tax rebate which they would pay us back with. I know many of you will be wondering why we lent money again, in view of past experience. But ac has been paying us back recently, and had a shortfall for the deposit. Ac partners family are having the baby when they move, whilst I have been asked to help clean the flat they're moving from. It feels like I drew the short straw, or rather they chose the straw for me? At best it seems we have to accept things as they are if we want some contact. We've realised that they need us for certain things, without actually considering our thoughts and feelings. We are still planning on doing things for ourselves, and have made tentative steps in saying when we have made plans, and can't, at that time, do what they want us to. I feel for all of us who experience such problems, in whatever form, as it does really feel like it is walking across a minefield with no map. One false move, not intended to cause upset by us, can so easily backfire....

Bella2 " walking across a minefield with no map" ...exactly! Very tiring and takes a lot of pleasure from things that should be simple and fun. Sad really. I have to try not to let it eat away at me!

1) stop lending money if you're not happy to. don't lend and build your resentment at the same time. it's hurting for yourself and for your children.

2) be honest and ask yourself why they don't bother to make the effort to see you. i know it hurts but if you really want things better....

3) change yourself , not them.

good luck. I wish things get better for you!