shell shocked

As a former nurse you're probably well aware of the health issues your OH is facing and that this could be early dementia - although the sleeping in a lay by to save money does sound as if this is part of his natural behaviour. The question boils down to whether you want to spend the rest of your days with this man and care for him through his illness. It will be a hard decision to make but I think for your own health and welfare it's something you need to seriously consider.

What a truly sad situation. No one should have to go through this. Consider all your options, work out your finances, when you see a true picture of your position, then decide what it is you do want. You have to look after yourself. Wish I could help.?

Teddy, what an awful situation for you. I can't add to the advice on here already, but sending

Sorry to hear of your problems Teddy, this sort of thing is so hard to live with. People who are mean with money are usually mean in other ways e.g. with their affection.
I can only echo what others have said and find out if there is a medical issue. Even if this is the case you need to consider your options and find some help and support. I wish you well.

You of course are not going to pay any attention to these ‘rules’ and do exactly what you want to do - which might include asking him to leave.

I agree it might be a mental issue, the beginning of dementia for example. But you have options. List them and then decide what you want to do.

Morning Teddy
Sorry for your dilemma. How did your NYE go with your Son coming over? How awful that his dad hates him, no wonder he has a drink problem. Why don't you send your husband to live in your Son's flat and your Son live with you Win win situation. If your husband is ill, then hard to turn your back on him now, when you've been together for 25yrs, but if he did live in your Son's flat, you could still care for him, but not live with him. Good luck.

Whatever happened to 'in sickeness and in health'

He sounds terrified of his health issues to me, and trying to save money, is just his way of seizing some control over future events.

Wait and see what his appt. results are before you stick a brute' label on him.

Dear Teddy111, I feel for you, it was hard for me to accept the man I loved and supported in his career and through 3 serious illnesses for over 40 years didn't give a fig about me. This man is abusing you and owes you big style, chuck him out! Sounds as if he has savings and a pension you have a right to half of your joint assets, whether he likes it or not. If it comes to a divorce opt for a mediation service, they are cheaper and more sympathetic, solicitors are expensive and caused me a lot of unnecessary heartache. Good luck to you, you deserve better.

Even if unsure of reasons why at present, do not be bullied or dictated to, stand your ground, calmly but firmly. It’s your home just as much as his and your feelings are of equal importance. Gone are the days when women do as they are told, we have our own minds and we use them. Giving in to “ controllers” just makes them worse. If it’s a medical condition, the behaviour still needs to be addressed or your life will be so unhappy. New year, new choices for you ?

I am so very sorry for you but this is fear talking. He is having to face the horrible fact that he has cancer and he is frightened he is going to die so he hits out and you are the nearest thing he can attack. My auntie is the same, I am the one that does things for her and she acts as though she hates me sometimes. Take control, do your washing etc and ignore whatever he says. Tell him you are in control until his illness is sorted out then you will talk. I would be surprised if the hospital will operate on a tumour that size and it could well have spread but you need a prognosis be strong and take control. Good luck.

When you say bath every 3 weeks, can I assume you are allowed showers in between times or is he literally telling you to stay unwashed for 3 weeks?

I agree with some of the previous comments. It sounds like the early sign of an illness or dementia. I would either stand up to him tell him in no uncertain terms that you intend to live your own life, or leave. What you are going through is domestic abuse. You could ask Women’s Aid for advice.

? incipient alzheimers?

This is so sad for you, but it certainly seems like it is a medical issue and nothing to do with you as such. I presume ne had an anaesthetic when he was in hospital and that can have a major effect on someone's personality added to which he has been very ill, and is probably scared that he is more seriously ill. I think nokkie is right you have to put things on hold until you know what you are facing.

Dear Teddy,
What an appalling situation! But, please, it might be the illness talking, not your husband expressing a long-standing hate for you. After all, why should he have stayed with you, if he hates you.

I know you are a nurse, but it can still be difficult to realise that your spouse is ill and that the illness is causing his changed behaviour. My father was a G.P. but surprised me by not realizing some of the implications during my mother's last illness.

But you are his wife, so in your place, I would start by asking for a private interview with your husband's G.P. and consultant. After all your husband is telling you there is nothing wrong, while the hospital has informed you both that he has a carcinoma in his lung. So did my sister, but she died of an inoperable brain carcinoma, and it did change her personality.

Is the house in your name, or his, or in your joint names?

the other respondents seem mainly to be advising divorce, but if you like a small minority, myself included, still believe that in sickness and in health meant precisely that in our wedding vows, then that won't be an option, but do look into practical things like getting help to care for your husband, whether you will be entitled to a widow's pension, consider a POA if your husband's mental state deteriorates. I know al this is hard to face, but knowing precisely where you stand will, I hope, give you some peace of mind.

Keep us posted, please.

So sorry TeddyIII. It does sound like the "cancer brain" talking - when my DH had lung cancer (large tumour right lung) it brought out the worst of his behaviour - rages, controlling, criticising etc. which had been present throughout our 43 years together but most of the time I ignored. In the year of his treatment he became withdrawn and tired and I became his carer - at times I felt he didn't know who I was. Previous to this we had talked of separating, but I really didn't want to leave. My mantra became - "In sickness and in health". It was hard going, but now I try to remember the good times. Good luck Teddy - let us know how you are doing.

I'm so sorry. People sometimes say things that they don't really mean if they're ill but this sounds like something else. Whatever you decide to do there's plenty of emotional support on here for you.

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but as someone said earlier keep posting on here as there are lots of people who will support you! Good luck!

There is a good chance he bas a form of demrntia which has been triggered by his stay in hospital. As soon as you can get him to your GP who should arrange a psych. assessment. Go see your GP yourself first and exolain. Get a prescription for some anti anxiety medicine even if you dont take it. It will record your observations. Its never easy getting a loved one to a psych evaluation but wishing you strength.

Sometimes situations can go on for years, and people need support until they are ready to move out of a situation or make a decision. Some never do and that can be lots of reasons e.g. financial, lack of self-esteem, self-worth,fear of being alone. Just a listening ear can be a comfort.

I really think there could be a medical reason for this behaviour as it seems to have come out of the blue. Please try and get him checked out because you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Take care.

Bearing in mind that this man has cardiac health issues he could well be developing vascular dementia but adding a lung tumour to the equation would be enough to knock most people sideways.

I feel so sorry for you. Like you, I had a senior career in nursing/midwifery. I've heard of brain metastases causing behaviour change/personality change. You may not be looking at a long-term future anyway. Does that sound brutal? Sorry!

I think the words 'in sickness and in health' really don't cover the kind of things that can happen in the modern era, when illnesses that would have killed us off many years ago can now be survived, but not restored to full health. So many people have been treated of former lethal conditions, but never the same again, just sort of limping along.

That said, this is the kind of thing up with which I could not put (to quote Churchill). No one tells me when to put the washer on and all the rest. OK. If you're only going to bathe so infrequently then I will not sleep with you. As others have suggested, maybe you could go and stay with your son. Maybe not take it as far as divorce, but definitely split from someone who treats you like this. I could not live with it.

As others have said, you are in a difficult and horrible situation but I think it's important not to make any decisions before you have know what the position is with regard to your husbands health, what is as a result of his personality and what may be due to illness. If you find you need to contemplate a future without him, do get legal advice before you do anything. Is your GP surgery able to help you access some form of counselling support?

Teddy, heartfelt sympathy for you! Sadly, the bizarre behaviour would make me very suspicious of metastatic brain Ca. in view of large lung tumour. Behaviour like this can also be symptomatic of fronto-temporal dementia. Can you talk to your/his GP? Alternatively, you could go to/phone your nearest Maggie's Centre for advice.