shell shocked

I guess you are going to have to wait until after the 8th to see what is going on. Very good idea to discuss with your brother so that someone else knows exactly what is going on.

So sorry you are having such a tough time, sending love ???

I really do feel tremendous empathy for you. I imagine this controlling behaviour did not appear suddenly but has been a feature of the relationship that you have lived with. That doesn’t make the situation any easier. I agree with others that you could exert your own control. He doesn’t bathe, you don’t sleep in the same bed. He only permits washing once a week, you find a launderette or on wash day you only do you own. Small steps, but maybe as you begin to take some steps of control, your confidence will grow. I do wish you well with this.

He behaves like this because you have allowed it to be this way, Teddy. Tell him you will use the machine when you feel you the need to and if he complains or tries to stop you that will be one less meal you cook for him every time until his behaviour improves. Move into a different room and tell him it's because he smells. Ignore his ranting, just don't give him an audience for it and if he threatens violence call the police or social services straight away. You do not have to put with this whether it is caused by an illness or whether it's just been a general progression made worse by retirement. A new year, a new you.

Hi Teddy - this is awful for you but it could become much worse so you need to take steps now. I speak as someone with 10 years' experience of nursing a mum with dementia which is now advanced - she was always a kind gentle woman but now can be very aggressive and if her speech hadn't gone, she would also be very hurtful in what she says. So, my advice is to get your hubby checked out and if he resists then you have to face the decision as to whether to end your relationship. If he does have early onset dementia then this will only deteriorate and he may become violent towards you. He is clearly harbouring ill will towards your son who is obviously not his, and he must think that you are funding your son in some way and therefore detracting from his (hubby's) lifestyle. I have a miserly husband and it drives me crazy but I ignore it and we have separate finances although I am always having to over-ride the settings on the central heating. If he is otherwise fit and does have early onset dementia then you may have 30 years ahead of you with a cantankerous and controlling person - this will ruin your life completely, so be prepared for drastic action.

Teddy please don’t do anything until you have more information from the hospital it really could be secondaries from the lung tumour people with brain tumours can completely change personality and become aggressive and if he has secondaries his life will be very limited He is saying they are wrong because he’s terrified You ve obviously loved. him for 25 years
It’s hard with your son not being very stable but his step father sounds a poorly man to me of course if you come back from the consultation with a clear diagnosis of nothing wrong then is the time to think what to do about his strange ways but please hold on till next week

Stand up to him! (not agrressively) Use the washing machine and anything else you wish to use when you want to. You might find he is actually worrying about something. If not .... I'd tell him to "shape-up or ship out".

Hi Teddy111. I am so sorry to hear this. You paint a picture of something that has been going on for years, albeit bubbling under the surface where you could maybe ignore it, that is now clearly untenable. Don't waste time thinking what you should have done years ago, but focus on now. How you can make your life better. Your husband may have some psychological problems of whatever origin and only you can decide how much help you are prepared to be. His behaviour is unreasonable by any objective standard and it doesn't really matter what the origin is, it's very difficult to tolerate. I would have to say I have often heard men talking as though they are the sole provider when it is patently untrue. He is in denial of many aspects of the truth: who has been keeping your boat afloat all these years, the nitty-gritty of domestic and personal hygiene, and his illness. Maybe he's trying to gain some control by his behaviour. You were a nurse, I'm sure you know about false negatives/positives. You are not yet old - think of yourself and how you want your life to be. And how you can get there. With every best wish and lots of hugs.

So much good advice here ! My husband has always been controllin (or trying to be !) .....but now with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and Parkinson's disease he is now aggressive as well. Many times I have thought of leaving ...but nowhere to go, and couldn't afford to, besides I would feel guilty .....SO I now control everything ...all the finances, the bills the household stuff, etc etc ...to stop him spending money on nothing all the time ! He is no too happy but he has to put up with it .....

I really does sound, as others have said, that this could be a medical problem ...will his doc discuss this with you I go to all appts with my OH ...he can no longer understand what is being said, anyway !.....the doctor tells me everything ....she gives me the results of tests, etc ...we get home, I explain to him what he has and how it will be managed ....he tells me I am lying ! He is in total denial ...maybe your husband is also in denial ?

On a worse case scenario, if it becomes intolerable ...begin to look at your options. If he has a long term or terminal illness, do you stay and look after him, on your terms ...do you find a care facility for him . do you do as suggested here, bring back your son to live with you and send him off to live in the flat ?......AND also, the option of divorce. You can prepare, even if it does not come to that ....make a file of everything you have paid for ....bills house maintenance, your bank account showing payments made ...any joint bank accounts ....your pension and your husband's pension .......any debts he has run up (especially any without your knowledge) so that you will have this to present to a solicitor if needed. Does he have a pension ...if so, you would be entitled to claim some of it (don't think the DWP pension counts).......

Preparation is the key ....DO NOT allow the bullying to continue, Ignore him and do your washing as and when you want, since you pay the bills there is little he can say ! take his clothes away and either wash them or throw them out if he does not bathe or shower for weeks on end ! If he protests, tell him they walked out .........

You could go to th CAB to find out exactly what your rights would be re the house, etc, financially , if you don't want to consult a solicitor (CAB used to have a legal advisor sometimes ...I know because my daughter did this whilst at Uni doing law ....she told me one day someone came in to ask what she would be entitled to on divorce ...I told her she should have said EVERYTHING !,,,she said Mother, I could not say that ! I said why not, that's what I did !)....but all these things may put your mind at rest as to the nitty gritty ......then it will be up to you to decide, after you have the results of these tests on 8 January, whether you stay or go. Housing associations and places like Anchor retirement housing (not old folks places, but flats etc in secure buildings) and Hanover Trust hav some decent places to rent ...... Good luck !

You have lots of great advice , and I hope seeing the specialist and getting questions answered will help you decide where you go from here .
Hugs and best wishes

Sending you best wishes. I know you are a nurse and have probably considered your husband is ill. Possibly quite bad depression or other mental health deterioration issues? You do have your life to live so please get some support for both of you. Does he have a cardiac rehab nurse? Sending best wishes.

Nothing constructive to add, so just sending you kind thoughts x

This is horrid for you but don’t do anything yet. The hospital appointment may reveal a terminal illness and if so, A) you will feel much less guilty in the long run if you do your best for him, no matter how difficult and B) if he is terminally ill why not just grit your teeth and then he will release you. The very best of luck to you both

This must be horrible for you Teddy, regardless of whether your husband's behaviour toward you is related to dementia and/or another illness. Trying to be supportive to an adult alcoholic son and having a husband who is emotionally abusive and bullying must be hard. I think talking to your brother is a good idea if he can offer a listening ear in a safe place for you to unload and discuss your options for the future. If you have paid all the bills and crunch comes to crunch you should not be the one who has to leave! It's nasty when those we have spent years loving and looking after turn out to be so damned spiteful and hurtful. I hope you can keep your husband away from Gransnet so that at least you can come here where people can offer support and you can vent if you need to. I feel for you and hope things improve. In the meantime please try to look after yourself, stay as safe as you can and try not to let your husband make you feel any worse.

Teddy111, what an awful situation, I am so sorry for you, dont make any decision until after 8th January. It is easy to say just leave but it is certainly harder to do. I am in a similar situation, about leaving, but it is so hard to do,I plod on and hope things will improve, although I know they wont.
Good Luck and I hope things work out for you, no matter what decision you make.

This is outrageous. You don't deserve this. Tomorrow go to see solicitor and tell them everything. Seek divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Don't be bullied by this man. Talk to your son and ask for his support, together you can get through this and look forward to a happier future. Good luck.

First off I haven’t got past the statement that he bathes only once a week now. Secondly I would find out if he is ill with beginning stages of dementia. If all checks out okay say nothing and do what you will. Be firm and tell him you won’t be controlled. If he is unwilling my I would kick his sorry arse out.

Yes don't forget you can simply enter the bathroom and take your bath, with or without smiling at him on the way in. If he uses physical means to try and stop you, then that is now counted as domestic abuse (it doesn't have to be a violent assault any more) and on those grounds you can have him removed from the house - for at least a period of time. Quicker than waiting for a divorce, and it might be his wake-up call before he returns to you in a more reasonable frame of mind. If he repeats the offence you could probably then have a restraining order placed upon him.

Oh dear I am so sorry to read about your situation Teddy111. I too would advise waiting until after the Appointment on January 8th before making any definite decissions & talk to your B, not for advice but just to unburden yourself & make him aware of the situation. Meantime ignore his "bullying".

My DH had severe bouts of depression, luckily he wasn't violent but washing, dressing & changing clothes didn't exist , not very nice to live with. I had to call the Ambulance early one morning as he had tried to get out of bed & ended up sat on the floor, unable to move.

After his admission to Hospital he was at first diagnosed with pneumonia, then they discovered he had in fact Lung Cancer (untreatable). DH died 2 months later, he never came home instead he was transferred to a Nursing Home.

I can offer little advice, but I hope after the Appointment things will be clearer. I wish you well

I'm sure there are lots of lovely old men around ,but reading this post and having friends with old gits for husbands makes me grateful for being a long term divorcee. It was hard bringing up two kids on my own but at least I don't have to put up with behaviour like this. I wonder if he has some sort of dementia . I ask because a good friend of mine had a happy solid marriage . However, the last 5/6 years have been hell for her . Too long to go into but her husband has changed completely and now she envies my independent life style. Whereas I used to envy hers.
If you can afford it and its feasible get rid. What have you to lose in fact he would be the one to lose.

Either ignore his diktats and do the washing when he's out or overnight and keep your pension(s) to yourself in a bank account he has no control over OR leave and find a flat in the private sector. You may be able to get a part-time job to help with your finances if need be.
Personally, I think that he may be feeling very vulnerable and is pushing you away now, rather than have YOU push HIM away if his health got worse. Your son must take a back seat I'm afraid, at least until you get yourself in a better place both mentally and possibly physically. I hope you don't give in to his demands but try to talk to him about your future and the compromises that may have to be made. Financially, you should both be ok if you don't go mad.

Teddy sorry you are going through this.

Sometimes a stay in ICU can cause PTSD which could mean he is traumatised and acting out of that?

Just a thought, good luck.

Lots of lorry drivers sleep in laybys. Most long distance lorries have sleeping compartments behind/over the front seats in fact, it's the norm nowadays.

My heart goes out to you in your appalling situation. I cannot offer anything but an endorsement of all those who are thinking of you. An intelligent, sensitive, hard-working person as you should really not be in this intolerable position - it has gone too far surely. May you find peace and a solution in the coming months.

I would suggest that you get the doctor to check him for dementia! A long-standing, mild-mannered friend of mine recently developed similar symptoms and was diagnosed with dementia which went rapidly worse! Don't take it personally, he probably doesn't recognise himself either but do get help!