Philip Larkin was right.

No, you did not fail your son. It does not matter that he views his sister poorly, his relationship to her is his. That you couldn't shelter him from his sister's behaviour or the result of that behaviour on you, is normal. Dd was the problem, not you. He has a good relationship with you and his dad, in the end that's what matters.

morethan2 we only see things from our own viewpoint( understandably) when our families are growing up.The other thing is that sometimes adult children only remember the bad things ( a bit like remembering awful teachers etc)
Sounds as if you have been a good Mother, but your DH was away a lot so you had to deal with things.
Larkin really disliked his own parents ( maybe with good reason) and not that many, in reality ‘f—k you up’.
I can see why it made you sad though.?

My children were not raised the same. They have different birth order, one was first, one was last, 2 were middles. We were very young and poor when the first 2 were born. By time the last was born our business was very successful, a generation older, grandparents ourselves. All children have totally different childhoods and personalities to my view. Some do well with their life and others flounder, not to parenting at all. I do not like this be the verse.

I feel sad for your sadness morethan you have enough to cope with without family relationships troubling you.
Let them sort it out and you concentrate on looking after the important things like you, your Dil and your GC, obviously your S himself but not his relationship with his sister,

I feel so sad for you morethan We are trying to support our darling DIL who has similar feelings about her sister. It's heartbreaking.

The sad fact is that our children are individual personalities and will react to life in different ways. Often they cling onto a childish attitude to the things that happened to them as a child, when they did not have the wisdom or insight to understand the challenges faced by their parents. It is sad that your son is feeling like this; but there will also be things in his current life that are entirely beyond your control that are contributing to how he is just now.

It is very hard indeed to know that one's children are struggling in some way, but we cannot take responsibility for that.

Parenting is a challenge and the only think I can say is that good enough is good enough. We can only do our best and parent with good intentions. Life is not perfect however and there will be times when we got it wrong, or our children think we have.

What a difficult time this is for you. We are all imperfect parents in our own ways - and all of us have great virtues in our parenting too.

I always feel guilty that I never really forgave my mother for the difficulties of our childhoods - as an adult I understood that she suffered from PMT in a big way and this accounted for her extremely erratic behaviour, but that did not make it any easier to live with at the time. She too was doing her best I am sure, as we all do.

I am sorry that your son is having a bad patch. All we can do is be here for them.

Not only does every child in the family have a different childhood but also it is astounding what children forget as they grow up. My sister played the piano to relax, she loved it. I remember but my middle aged nephew asked if his mother ever played the piano!

Morethan I think that your son just needed to cry, he is living through difficult times.
His tears will have left him exhausted but will have been cathartic.
He was able off load, whhich is much healthier than holding everything in.

for morethan and family.

Has everybody read this instead of “This be the verse”
This Be the Worst
They tuck you up, your mum and dad,
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.

I would bet my OAP that these are the parents we always set out to be -NOT what Philip Larkin (albeit cleverly) derides.

ann’s right morethan, you’ve enough in your plate and I also feel sad for your sadness. You aren’t responsible for your son’s feelings. His relationship with his sister is between them. maw is also right, her poem far more accurate than the Philip Larkin which is cleverly written but not necessarily accurate. It sounds as if your son had bottled a lot up until he exploded, as with all explosions his words weren’t considered or even accurate. Please just keep loving your son and be there for him, but please don’t ever feel responsible for either his situation or reactions, you certainly haven’t failed. Sending to you all. .

You have a ds who's loyal to you and doesn't like to see you hurt. Is that a bad thing? Maybe liquor made the feelings more intense than they are normally. I know it hurts to see your ds and dd at odds with each other. But that's between them and only they can fix it.

I love your phrase'parent with good intentions' Luckygirl

I think we all do the best we can at the time - and that's all we can do.

Thanks, MawBroon for posting Adrian Mitchell's version, which is so much closer to the reality for most of us, surely? for you, morethan2, it isn't obvious you've failed at all, it's obvious that you're a good and loving mum.

Thank you, Maw - that's brilliant. I'd not read that before.

Some people are just more sensitive and emotional than others, and will look at life differently. What one sees as a minor incident, another will feel it’s a mountain to overcome. None of us are perfect parents, we all made mistakes, but however hard it is to talk about it, it will help both of you to gain clarity and acceptance. Empathy with each other is always a good way forward ?

Despite writing that poem Philip Larkin actually wrote to his mother every day!

You believed him and understand why he feels as he does. I think that is a big thing and the best that you can do at this stage. Make sure that he understands that.
Siblings don't always get along and it isn't helpful when a parent's attitude is just that 'sisters always fight' or whatever the make up of the sibling is. It may be one bullying and the other trying to defend themselves, or other things going on.
You haven't dismissed his feelings or tried to minimise them.
If he is crying for long periods, he needs to speak to his GP and try to get help. Make him understand that you are ok despite the past difficulties and that you don't expect him to solve your problems. Adult children often misunderstand their 'job' in the family. I had to tell my sister that it wasn't her job to correct or educate me (we were both in our early 50s by then) and she was very surprised but admitted that it wasn't.
You are in the middle of the situation but I think that you are getting more right than you can see from where you are.
He has two people in the family he can go to. They both are prepared to listen without judging him, understand why he feels the way he does, and want to help. That is a big first step. You are not experts in depression though which this sounds like and a bit of extra help is always useful.

(flowers) Morethanto - take comfort, so many wise words here for you. As others have said, your son felt he could unburden himself to you - so he knows you are there for him and love him. Grown up children often think Mum can solve everything as she seemed to do when they were young. My youngest daughter, although married with children does this all the time and she perceives her childhood very differently from her sisters and brother. It is nothing you have done. Go on listening and as others have said, suggest where he can get help. Best wishes to you,

Some lovely wise words here and not much I could add to these. But I agree absolutely that although we do all make mistakes as parents if we can say that we have tried our best with the knowledge and resources we had available to us then we are not “failures”. As others have said too adult children often view their childhood through a very different prism and can’t see or appreciate the challenges that parents may have faced. I was 35 before I felt that I could really appreciate my own mothers struggles and acknowledge them to her.

Surely, the good in this is that your son felt that he could unburden himself so totally to both you and his aunt. In how many families could an adult child feel they could completely unburden themselves to close members of their family and receive only kindness understanding and support?

Yes,you have had problems in life, but what a success you have made of it.

Why does he feel awful about his relationship to his sister. Just because it does not fit into the ideas we have today of family life. You choose your friends not your siblings. I didn’t like my brother particularly but I didn’t beat myself up about it. We didn't in those days.

It seems that all that he said to different people shows that he is in trouble and needs some kind of therapy.
He should try and choose just one person for his outpourings and then shut up and try and think of somethng else.

Easier said than done when you’ve been bottling it up for almost two years and your wife’s got a terminal illness Margaret

I’m sorry for my shocking post Margaret you weren’t to know the seriousness of the situation.