Just don't know what to do.

His insistence on penetration when that is not possible is unreasonable. You cannot do what you cannot do.

Absolutely luckygirl! No respect for him at all now. If he really can't see beyond penetration, has no intention of trying other things and is insistent on getting it elsewhere, then I'd get out of the relationship. What a selfish man!

This is hard but in the end the onus is NOT on you to "allow" him to do this. You are unhappy and uncomfortable, hurt and upset. Tell him:
*How you are feeling
*That you know that you could not cope with this arrangement
*That only he can decide which is more important to him...your relationship or the lifestyle arrangement that he has suggested
*Give him a deadline to make his mind up and whilst waiting start finding out your options if he chooses to end your relationship

I don't want to appear unsympathetic, I really really feel for you ...but please take control of this situation even though the possible consequences are scary!!

Great minds and all that... I have already stopped leaving him dinner to heat up when he gets in, because I no longer feel like it. I have also said I'm not sharing a bed with him any longer. Not sure about the going out without telling him thing... I do go out during the day alone or with friends a lot, but I always say where and when I'll be back – just seems considerate to me, one of those things you do to keep the home life running. I might try it, though. He's gone out several times recently without saying where or when.

I really feel for you, OP, but I can't help wondering from all he's said whether he has already met someone? Sorry to bring that up but it sounds like a possibility.

I agree about the use it or lose it option another poster mentioned. I thought that vaginal atrophy can be reversed with the right treatment. Is it worth another trip to your GP? Perhaps medical treatment options have progressed since you last visited about this issue? I do hope things work out for you.

To be brutally honest, it does appear that he is already seeing another woman. Men like a safety blanket and rarely strike out alone to ‘do their own thing’ unless there is another female on the horizon.
You could do some detective work, but then how would you feel if there is someone else? Would you separate from him, or continue as you are now?
Good luck with whatever path you choose.

Your partner sounds a reasonable person. I recommend you go together to the best marriage counsellor you can afford for as many sessions as it takes to understand the way ahead for you both.
If a companionate marriage is feasible for you both why not at least consider it? I can think of much worse .

I was just considering that if you decided to go for your mans suggestion, he may still end up meeting someone (if he hasn't already) and wanting to be with them. what an awful situation to be in.

Well you can't change what he wants to do. Obviously he's not happy with the way things are and wants his life to be different.
So you have to decide how you want to live your life. With him as a companion? Waiting to see how it develops? Striking out on your own?
He's told you what he wants, now you have to decide what you want.
I don't think all the payback advice is helpful really. It doesn't solve the issue.

What a waste of a good thirty-five year relationship. The dominant factors here are your partner's unkindness and complete lack of empathy. He also sounds to be completely lacking in imagination. Does he honestly expect you to be happy with his proposals; has it ever occurred to him that you too might mourn the lack of a satisfying sex life?
I think you were right in your original post: 'he's searching for his lost youth' although he seems to be making a good attempt at living it now, out at gigs until the small hours , hanging out with forty years olds, pursuing love and sex , ( he hopes). He sounds very much like the unsavoury (current) leader of UKIP who thinks he is no end of a dog.
What you do is up to you. His callousness in being kind to you now he has told you his intentions indicates he is trying to push you into making the decisions about your future.
Hopefully, you will see him for the idiot he is, or he will come to his senses.

I agree Eglantine - no-one is really at fault here, so all the payback strategies do not seem appropriate. Here we have two people who want something different in life. He is clear what he wants (or thinks he is) and you are stuck in a situation of deciding whether you can go along with this.

Maybe talking some more (I know you feel all talked out): e.g. "I don't feel happy about continuing with all that I do for you if you are checking out of this relationship - have you thought what that might be like? Things cannot go on as we do now if you are decide to go for the things that you want". Write it down - place it in front of him - list the things that would have to change for you and ask him how he might feel about that. etc. Don't just gradually stop doing things for him - have it out in the open and written down.

Such a lot of ideas here! It is helping me just to have different ways to think about it. I agree that payback strategies are not on the cards, it's just not me.
Of course I am wondering whether he already has someone lined up. If so things will move quickly and it will be clearer to me what to do.
I did say to him originally that I won't be organising our cultural life any more – no booking tickets for lovely concerts etc (always my role) – he absolutely couldn't understand it. But that's how it's going to be. I have plenty of friends to go out with, and I enjoy going on my own anyway, so no huge loss – to me.
I will keep you posted.