Slight PIL problem

maddyone so you had at least a week with your husband before your parents came to stay and it was 3 weeks later that your ils came to stay. Doesn't really sound all that different from what I thought was a reasonable timeline so not really sure how that makes me precious....

babybawn - you have no idea what you are going to feel like after the birth of your first child - consequently, you can't plan down to the nth detail as far as visitors are concerned. My advice to you is to remind your parents-in-law that you are prioritising time for you, hubby and baby, irrespective of their trip from far away. That way, if they're not with your plan as you seem to think, you have the opportunity to make it crystal clear that visits are by invitation only. If you feel good after the birth you might welcome their presence rather more than you think now, if you feel hormonal and don't want anyone around you then you can simply not issue the invitation. You have to play this by ear bearing in mind that your mil is no household help and will require refreshments being made for her. There's another dimension to the family dynamic as well which is whose decision was it for your in-laws to live so far away from you because if they left for a sunnier climate in retirement then I think you can politely make the point that this has been their choice and that they can't dominate your first few weeks with baby just because it fits in with their schedule - if it's the other way around, they may feel very miffed that you and their son have left them as it were and consider that as they are making a big effort they should be accommodated.

They came for a long weekend, four nights, more or less as soon as my own parents left. My parents stayed for two weeks, so it was a few days after they left. And whilst my own parents did much to help, cooking, shopping, etc I still needed to wash the bedding and change the bedding after they left. My husband was very helpful, he always has been, and he helped a lot. In those days the husband usually got three days paid paternity leave, and he took 2 weeks as I remember, and my parents came came after about a week, followed by my PiL very shortly after they left. I didn’t really want want them to come, particularly as they were staying with us (the idea of staying B+B or hotel would never have entered their heads, they expected to be accommodated) but even as look back on it now, I must have been selfish to have not wanted them, especially after my own parents had been. But the thing is, I did have them, because I realised that they wanted to see their grandchild.

My MiL came to look after us (DH, DS, new baby and me) when DD was born. She was brilliant but left as soon as she could see we were all doing fine. I can’t even remember if we asked her or she offered - well it was nearly 36 years ago! My PiLs were great but not everybody’s are and it doesn’t seem like the OP’s are. She and her husband were in agreement about the two week arrangement whether we think “bonding” is necessary or not. I agree with Shazmo. What I hope for all of you is that you feel you want to share your baby with your ILs and that they respect your wishes regarding length of visits etc. Good luck.

maddyone can i ask how many days after your baby was born did the ils come to stay and for how long?

Luckygirl, Grannyknot, and Paddyann are all correct in my opinion. I don’t understand all this ‘bonding’ requirement these days, to be honest I think it’s just a way of taking control. When my babies were born, I couldn’t wait for my parents to see them. I thought they were the most beautiful babies in the world and I wanted my parents to see them and feel the same way. My PiL have been good PiL, didn’t interfere and were not in any way controlling, but I felt more ambiguous about them visiting. I’m sure I was a bit selfish, but it was because I had to accommodate any relatives who were visiting because we lived 250 miles away from them. I guess I didn’t feel the pressure so much because I knew my parents would help out, but DH’s parents tended to act very much the guests, so I had more to do. None the less, both sets of parents came, and quite rightly too in my opinion.

I’m afraid I do think it’s selfish to insist on two weeks of privacy for ‘bonding’. The poster is in the lucky position of not having to accommodate the grandparents. For goodness sake allow them to see their grandchild for short visits several times, they live in another country for goodness sake. Stop being so precious about it, they’ll only be there for two weeks.

The point of paternity leave is for father to run home and look after mother and baby, not to host family get togethers. I don't want to frighten OP but giving birth is quite exhausting, even when everything goes according to plan. Procrastinate and say that you 2 will decide when they can visit when baby is home, and mum is happy that feeding is regular. Restrict visits to 90mins max to the point of taking baby and mum off to bedroom after 90mins.

We agreed with our daughter and her husband and their first baby, and we went over the first evening as agreed, had a lovely meal, an Indian takeaway, then stayed away as requested. However, her in laws and sister in law and family then all came to stay for several days - much to the annoyance and exhaustion of the young couple. Families .... !
?

OldMeg...believe it or not I welcome your opinion even if its a little bit harsh. I like getting different perspectives as it gets me thinking and often stops me from being stubborn and digging my heels in and having it "my way or no way" as you so put it. I come from a big family so have zero interest in ghosting anyone, I'm not really sure how or why people would think that. Just because I find my MIL difficult doesn't mean I'm going to cut her out of my life, there is a long road ahead of us and relationships change as we grow older.
I think grandmothers the world over have pearls of wisdom to offer hence why I came to this forum. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt so that's why I'm asking. Nothing more, nothing less.

I would tell them- or rather your other half tell them as they are his parents - that you will let them know when it is convenient for them to visit. You don't know yet what kind of labour you will have, you may need a C-section (hopefully not!) or having trouble breast feeding (if you are)
It's up to your hubbie to ensure that you aren't stressed out - especially as this is yoyr first baby.
It's your house & baby so you make the rules. If they turn up just tell them it's not convenient. Stay strong and get your partner to stand up for you and his baby Good luck xx

One would hope the grandparents would have the consideration to phone before turning up maybe? I know I desperately wanted to see my new grandchild and being told by SIL that it was a 'bad time' did upset me initially and I felt rejected. It didn't hurt me to wait a while though. Breastfeeding wasn't going as planned, daughter was in tears, bbay was screaming and SIL was frantically making bottles. Although I could have helped, it was a time they had to sort out together as new and inexperienced parents. A learning curve. Daughter had had a very long and difficult birth and was shattered. She couldn't smile for days (weeks?) afterwards and looked wrecked so I did have to tread carefully and sensitively. She and SIL told me of her nightmarish start to motherhood when she was more like her old self - after the shock of it all had worn off!

I suppose going with the flow is the best way. The best laid plans often go wrong. I am sure the new and excited grandparents will be longing to see little one but if they have any consideration they won't add to your worries.

luckygirl .Agree.
One never knows when help is needed where children are concerned. My parents and in laws were a boon to me in my early days of mother hood and this was shown when DH had to frequently work away and we had moved to a different county so not like many on 'their' doorstep.
I would never have had the cheek to ask their help had I insulted them 'allowing' ? specific visiting times in which they could visit their new born grandchildren.

Old Meg, I am with you 100% All we ever did was our best and I know from reading threads here many of our generation of grandparents help out more than ever before with long and regular stints of unpaid child care.

Where is the love? We have bred a know-it-all and rather whiny, ungrateful generation of young people who, it has to be said, and if social media is anything to go by, see us as a selfish, privileged group - who do, as you say, 'block beds.' I am consumed with anger when I read on social media that 'old fogies' ought to be euthanised and thank goodness ours is a generation which is dying out! It's incredibly blinkered and mean thinking.

Sorry, I shouldn't tar everyone with the same brush. I imagine most of us dearly love our children even if they can be imperious and high-handed at times. They have this incredible confidence/thick skin. Perhaps it's just evolution, but as a generation which had to, on the whole (and rightly or wrongly) 'respect our elders,' I find the dismissive attitude of many young parents incredibly brazen.

Sorry to derail your thread babybawn. This probably isn't the place for a rant, but it does help to look at other perspectives from time to time. Love does help the world go round. I think it's imperative that we don't see our relatives as 'the enemy'. We all have feelings.

I wish you well and hope the visiting arrangements once baby is born go smoothly and no feathers are ruffled.

For those of you who thought my reply a bit ‘harsh’ then I’m hearing the same sort of sentiments from the OP that is so ‘fashionable’ these days which is ‘my way or no way’. This is the type of mindset that leads them to ghost their parents and in laws.

Oh. I could be much graphic so be grateful I expressed my thoughts in a mild manner.

However, I’m getting a lot of vibes that many poster think as I do and we’re sick to the back teeth of that generation blaming ‘us’ for everything from the state of the NHS (bed blocking old biddies) to the housing crisis and Brexit.

Babybawn, I am sure you have been warned that the days following the birth of a baby are bot blissfully serene and sweet. If anything, you'll both be knackered from lack of sleep and a complete, chaotic change to your routine in seeing to a demanding baby, It is exhausting. You may also feel slightly down. Baby blues can kick in, so what you imagine to be wonderful, smiley bonding time might mean you are really fed up, crying, sore, tired and thinking "Oh please baby, just sleep and stop crying!"

A whole day full of people, no matter how much you love them may be too much. Most considerate people pop in , with food or flowers, have a quick cuddle and then leave you to it.

Life changes drastically when baby arrives. Give your folks - all of them, a limited time slot. Their plans, their arrivals an departures don't matter, your tiredness does.

HellsBells the OP hasn't said she won't let them see the baby, she is say they can visit and then see how it goes. Where is she not showing any compassion? It's just a bit difficult as ILs can't wait till2 weeks after due date and let's face it the baby could be 2 weeks late anyway. I can't believe that people think it is sensible to pay for flights and not allow for the fact that babies don't arrive to the GPs schedule.

Pull up the drawbridge!

Gabriella once for a photo opportunity the day before they fly

That is possibly the meanest thing I have ever heard !!

Its like showing the dog the rabbit ! And then taking it away.

For pities sake , these are the child's grandparents its not like they have come to rob them , just show their love for the new arrival. I totally agree the new mother doesn't need them there all day every day but a couple of hours a couple of times cannot possibly interfere with any bonding or anything else. Its not like these people live round the corner and can pop in daily.

Show a little compassion please.

I’m very glad that there is a silver lining ?????
It’s quite possible that the iLs may not want to stay with you anyway, have you given that a thought.

I would not call you selfish but out of touch with what the arrival of a baby entails. How do you or your husband know how you will feel after giving birth.? Show me the perfect baby.? The weeks following a birth are not always the wonderful bonding experience you read of in the 'How To' books.It is sad your baby will not have a maternal grandmother but your thread shows even your own mother would have been given a time when she was 'allowed' a visit to see her new grandchild.No one expects you to have a home full of visitors and you don't appear to have a favourable opinion of your MIL. I find OTT the suggestion in one thread you allow visiting times 2- 4 . We are talking of a child not an object.
You intentions are based on how life is to be in the couple of weeks following the birth of what I believe is your first child. Carry on as intended and experience be guidance should you have plans for any future children you intend having.

Paddyann

Got that wrong - sorry. I was referring to your comment at 11.26am

I expect baby will be dictating this whole event depending on the time he/she arrives. MIL will be playing second fiddle whether she likes it or not and as for passive aggressive, well you will be so busy and focussed you will barely know she is there. Enjoy!

Paddyann

Your last comment was quite touching and made perfect sense.

Teddy123 that is awesome advice, thank you

as the mother of two very premature babies in the days when no one was allowed into SCBU except fathers(I was too ill to visit) I would have loved someone in the family to sit and talk to my babies especially the first prem who only lived days and no one saw her .Different circumstances I know but its always been a sadness for my MIL that she never saw her ,she is and has always been brilliant with her GC.