Slight PIL problem

I'm with eazybee - 'oh no not again'.
This is a woman who has not even had a baby who is already terrified that the child's grandmother will visit...she has MILphobia and has chosen to join gransnet??? just weird.

I think it's impossible to plan exact dates & time frames for visits as you never know how you're going to feel. If you've had a sleepless night, any visitor is the last thing you need unless they say a quick hello and then do the washing up, tidying, etc.
A 2 hour visit is a long time but if relatives are coming from overseas, it's more difficult. Most new parents just want to snooze when baby is asleep! And hopefully most relatives remember this! On the other hand I think most new mums
surprise themselves by their need to discuss baby behaviour ad infinitum and so any visitor is welcome. My best advice, relax and go with the flow. No need to make specific 'times' for visiting now; rather wait until your home and see how it goes rather than stressing beforehand. If visitors arrive and you're tired, pop back up to bed. It will all be fine.

Wishing you much happiness with your first child. An exciting time ?

Once, for a photo op the day before they fly home. Keep to YOUR plan. You, DH and baby are the important ones at this time. Be polite but absolutely firm. Best wishes and congratulations. ☺?

radicalnan what a nasty post. Keep your karma to yourself. Babybawn hasn't said they can't visit. She made a perfectly reasonable request that they wait for 2 weeks, not much really is it? If the baby is 2 weeks late then they aren't going to see the baby for a while so who is making the bad decision there?

I think the idea of asking them to wait 2 weeks and then organise the Christening while they were visiting was lovely, how sad that some grandparents are so determined to have their own way that they cut their noses off to spite their face. Karma for them maybe?

This is interesting, as at our age, we have been on both sides. As a young mother, I was in hospital for ten days after a difficult first birth and there were quite strict visiting times but had I immediately been at home I am positive I would have wanted to cherish time alone with just my husband and baby.

Now, of course, I see the flip side to that and hope I was sensitive to my daughters' needs (two!) to leave them time for their new family whilst enjoying the GP role.

So, a tricky one. I would emphasise (or, hopefully, have your husband emphasise) that whilst they are very welcome, you are tired and if they come it would be to see what they could do to help your situation rather than just purely sit and coo over the baby.

I feel very strongly that a GP's role is to support that of new parents, nothing else. Offer some small refreshments and after half an hour, if there is a small job to be done, ask them to do it (shopping, hoovering, anything to keep the wheels turning). Hopefully they will feel wanted, included and part of the new family dynamic.

Suggest they return in six months/a year, depending how feasible their journey is, so they can continue the family adventure but please do not feel you have to do anything you don't want to do. If they really care about you and your husband, they will want to fit in with you and help.

I find it strange that you won’t want your families to visit straight away. I couldn’t wait to show off my new baby. The day I came home from hospital, I remember fondly of cooking a meal for my brother-in-laws and their girlfriends.
I can also understand that you want time for the three of you, however, when family live away, it’s hard to get a close relationship with your grandchildren.

At this time you must do what YOU want to do.The most sensible suggestion I have seen is the 2 - 4 visiting hours - plead stress and lack of sleep. Max 3 times pw. Pick a time when baby likely to be awake. When time is up stand up and say firmly Lovely seeing you....and if they don't go go to another room and shut the door.

If you make your plan, stick to it but all the while knowing that in the end it might turn out differently for a variety of reasons (see the other grans above).

Every family is different. Rearranged to stay in the area for 5 days after the baby was born, with no expectation of accommodation or meals, but thinking we could have a spring break and visit from time to time. After our 6 hour drive, though, we did visit for 2 hours, to catch up and to meet the little one. We have never been forgiven for a)staying for that long and b) not having a written timetable for any other contact during the break. The grudge has been held for four and a half years!

babybawn I have a brilliant relationship with both my children and their partners .My sons partner invited my D and I to the hospital to see baby minutes after she was born as did my daughter ,I've helped with their care all their lives .GS is 15 youngest GD is 6 .I've had one GC half of every week since she was 18 months .I was there when she phoned in the middle of the night crying when she couldn't get baby to settle at 5 days old and I gave up my job to job share with D when GD was 3 weeks old so she could avoid the post natal depression she had first time .So I genuinely dont understand WHY you would stop family being involved .I know all familiies are different but ALL relationships are about give and take ,dont chase away the people who you might need to depend on further down the line .I had a strained relationship with my FIL but with a lot of effort we came to respect and care for each other ..I would never have excluded him from anything family related ..he was my OH's FATHER .He had the same relationship with HIS son that my OH had with ours why would I want to take that away from him ...however I felt about him !

Oh, Old Meg, how I agree with you.

This woman doesn't want advice, she wants endorsement for her rules and boundaries as she draws up the battle lines against the in-laws.
I'm just cross I wasted time reading it.

I think they should respect your wishes. When i had my babies I was pleased to have my mother to stay and help for the first fortnight each time, but in those days my H had to go back to work straight after the birth so would have been on my own otherwise. For grandchildren it's different as the husband is home for a fortnights paternity leave these days and they usually want to get to know their new baby on their own. Each time I have asked (and been granted) a quick visit (around 2 hours ) for a quick peek in the early days then stayed away as requested. After dad has returned to work i have usually stayed if needed to help out which has been appreciated (i think) especially if i can help by allowing the mum to get some sleep.
But I have tried to do what they have wanted or requested. No-one wants a falling out, least of all.me! I think two afternoons would be extremely generous.

Probably you need to think not only about these first visits, but the fact that the way they are managed might set the tone for the future. So you need to establish you are in control, but also that you welcome contact from grandparents (assuming you do). Your baby will grow into a child who may well benefit from a relationship with the wider family even if MIL can be overbearing. Emotions can run high after you have given birth, so best to tell your in-laws in advance that you welcome a visit, but set the time and duration - the two afternoons you propose sound ideal. I was in hospital for a week after my first and they were brilliant at managing visitors! The nurses wouldnt allow en masse invasions even in visiting time (two hours a day) and would come along and shoo visitors away on prior request!

I don't really understand this, having read thread after thread about how grandparents must walk on eggshells, say nothing, and so on. Is it different when there is a new baby?

Babybawn.....ever heard of Karma?

You are enlisting strangers to wage war with your in laws by proxy.

You will soon be someone's mother. Get a little wisdom going now..........you sound a little spoilt and whiney to me.

They are coming, make the effort, it really isn't all about you. The way you approach things can shape the way they turn out. Your husband is a product of their parenting and you love him.

So many young mums now with PND because they have fixed ideas about how it will all be. Plenty of us had new babies in one room, shared bathrooms with neighbours etc. Whatever your circumstances, you will get what you expect (unless an emergency happesn which it won't) expect some fabulous time with them.

This is the beginning of a new pathway for you all, litter it with rose petals.

One day you will be the MIL see how karma works for you then.

This is a bit like having a birth plan. Things change and adaptations need to be made. You might feel very different when you have the baby and want to introduce him/her to the family. I was thrilled with mine and wanted to share the joy. You also have the added pressure of family from abroad. Your baby might be two weeks late. Many are and they might only get time for a quick visit before heading home. You might have a quick labour and feel great afterwards, you might have a different experience. There are so many variables that it’s difficult to make hard and fast rules. Why not go with the flow and make judgements about visitors etc. after the birth? My visitors were all thoughtful, brought food and made tea. My only rule was that I did no catering whatever. If they wanted a drink, they had to make it. Nobody ever outstayed their welcome.

Should have been the house wasn't populated by maggots when we left. It certainly was when we got back.

MILs helping isn't always much help anyway. I remember the one time my MIL stayed to look after our dogs when we were on holiday. We arrived home to the lounge crawling with maggots as she had given the dog a bone and it was covered in them. She proudly told me how she understood that I couldn't keep a house as clean as she could and she hoped I wasn't offended at the housework she had done. I couldn't help mentioning that the house was populated with maggots when we left and the rest of the house looked exactly the same.

I have a great relationship with my DsIL and my SIL because I'm not self obsessed and am happy to listen to them.

I had 8 days in hospital after my first, 45 minutes visiting a day with one visitor. Wednesday and Sunday we got an afternoon visit as well. By the time I got home I was ready for visitors but young mums now get kicked out a few hours after delivery and they need some peace and quiet.

I remember my mother saying how much harm Princess Diana had done other mothers when she was leaving hospital a few hours after having William with her hair done and make up on. All very well if you are going home to a nanny and housekeeper and cook, not quiet the same for the rest of us.

Babybawn you are being reasonable, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are kind to let them see the baby and don't worry about all the emotional blackmail, "They could die." Well yes they certainly will as will you one day but it doesn't mean they get to call all the shots.

Won't add advice, but know exactly how you feel. I had too many disruptions years ago. We gave our daughters breathing space before we visited.

My mother used to say 'Don't meet trouble halfway'

Baby could be up to 10 days late of course.

radicalnan..I wish my ils were like that, but unfortunately they are not ones for helping out, its just not in their nature. Not everyone is a doer unfortunately and my il's are glass half empty types and it can be exhausting having to listen to that day in day out. I don't see why I should put their needs above the needs of my baby, it doesn't make me controlling, it makes me want to be a good mother to my child

om, why shouldn't young parents lay down the law in their own homes? My parents laid down the law in their home, often in a way that my generation objected to (e.g. they wouldn't hear of my sister and her partner sharing a room before they were married, even though they lived together) but we had to accept it just as they had to accept what was laid down in their parents' houses.

Why shouldn't it go the other way. A person's home is supposed to be their castle as the old saying goes.

OldMeg,
You are wrong. There were plenty of us who wanted NO help and NO visits in the first couple of weeks even years ago!
I was one of those.
My parents rushed down to see our first baby straight away even when asked not to. My husband’s parents waited 2 weeks as requested.
My relationship with my parents was good (and close) but I still think they should have waited. Now they are both dead, I do look at the photos of that visit, all their smiles and hugs fondly... but nevertheless would never make a new-baby visit uninvited.

I'm sorry to hear that radicalnan, you're right because you never know and better to welcome them for the short time they are there than regret the fact that, should anything unforeseen happen, they may never have met their grandchild.

What is all this 'passive aggressive lark'....sounds pretty passive aggressive to me to be dictating how family members will be able to relate to a new baby, especially if they have to travel.

Young women now seem to be wanting to domineer everybody else and if people have any thoughts of their own, they get this 'passive aggressive' label.

We had bossy boots from MN on here a while back complaining that her MIL had bought the baby an outfit.

Your baby is born into a family and is entitled to a family.

If you are well enough, make them welcome, if you are ill tell them and they will respond. Save a big pile of ironing for them, some lawn mowing etc people love to help out.

I was unable to be there for my daughter as much as I wanted to be, and was eternally grateful to my SIL's mother who was a daily support could be there.

That lovely lady died last week, very young, in her sleep, never begrudge people their happy moments.

I think the idea of visiting hours ( as in a hospital, as all new mums were obliged to be for 10 days in “the old days”!) tell them the midwife has advised 2-4pm (you can go to bed for a nap) My daughter’s friend recently had her baby on the day she went on maternity leave (!) a month early ....and I had my daughter 10 days early and my son 10 days late so your problem might not arise. Let nature take its course, but it’s in your power to be kind to your ILs....you never know the experience might change your MiL and she might even make herself useful! You’re stuck with them for life so you need to make the best of it.