Slight PIL problem

They're not there for long babybawn and they won't be exactly on the doorstep after they've gone home so there won't be constant 'popping in' uninvited.
I hope all goes well

Cold Apologies if my post sounded rude and I must admit responding before I read the whole of yours. It was just that it was not the experience of anyone we know for GP to travel miles and sit on their backsides expecting to be waited on by a new mother and father! We and all the GP we know who may have travelled thousands of miles just get on with what needs to be done and probably go home needing a rest.

I am sorry that you had such a bad experience and hope everything improved from then on.

Thank you Maggiemaybe and Violetfloss, I miss her every day, she was a true lady and I want to honor her memory by being a good human being hence why I'm seeking advice on what is reasonable. I guess its also why I think DH parents should see GC if at all possible. Life is short

Paddyann I'm assuming you or someone close to you has a bad relationship with their Dil and I think that you are making assumptions that I'm the problem.

I assure you that I've done everything in my power to have a good relationship with my ils and for the most part I do and I try to respect them even if that doesn't cut both ways.

Both sets of family were asked to give us time, likewise we will visit both families in their respective countries when the child is old enough and to top all that if its a boy we've picked a name that runs in my DH's side of the family and my side of the family if its a girl. We treat both families the same.

Its also not about them not seeing the GC, its about practicality and quality of time. Baggs had the right idea about waiting 6 weeks, it was one of the reasons I wanted everyone to wait at least two weeks. I'd be up and about, we'd be familiar with the baby and could head out and do nice things with GC rather than clapped inside looking at a sleeping baby all day and getting on each others nerves. Also MIL can be very difficult and with hormones flying around the place I'm afraid I'll snap and say something I'll regret, which i definitely don't want to to.

In fact, we'd asked ils to hold off booking flights so that we could get a christening date in place as we would love for them to be there, but that idea was scoffed at by my il's. I mean what parent doesn't want to be present for their GC's christening? I would be crushed if my family had that attitude.

For those being critical about wanting two weeks to bond with our child, I think you're being very unfair and most likely have forgotten what its like (I'm told) in those initial days after the birth. Also, both families can't just pop in to say hi, they would have to stay with us and what with it being a tiny flat I think that could be a very stressful situation so at least two weeks breathing room will give us time to get to grips with our newbie without the added pressure of having to entertain guests. I think its a genius idea and one based of instinct and advise from mums across the various generations.

I get what everyone is saying about how I should stick to the plan, but I don't want to have any regrets and if they are in the country feel that they should have at least one visit with their GC. My family are fine with this, they prefer the idea of waiting and being of use for when my DH goes back to work. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being mean with one visit to start and if things go well and we're in good spirits and up to it then maybe they can pop up for a second visit? Of course the baby might arrive early/late so this might even be a non issue and I've wasted your time I do appreciate the feedback though, it is definitely food for thought. xx

That is rubbish, most grandparents will be there to cook, wash, make life easier for the new mum and do not expect to be waited on. And know when to withdraw gracefully.

Sorry Jalima but I find it pretty rude that you call my own direct experience "rubbish". Just because you are a helpful grandparent it doesn't mean all are.

Oh OP I missed that part. It must be really difficult without your mum

You've been through enough by the sounds of it. Talk it through with your DH and decide together.

For those saying that it’s unfair for one lot of grandparents to visit before the others. OP said that she lost her mother, and her father is unable to make the journey.

Harsh, OldMeg, but I must admit all the navel gazing about co-ing pils and disrespecting boundaries gets wearisome.

I don't think you need advice here, OP. It's obvious you don't like the inlaws, so let them in for a supervised half hour, get your happy family photo, and with any luck they won't be rushing back.

How is she?
They have both said no visitors within 2 weeks. That's her DH too not just her.
DILs parents are not visiting.
Parents in law are still visiting anyway.
Dh wants to stick with the plan for no visitors for 2 weeks. That's HIS mom.
OP, the DIL is willing to let them visit but wondering how long for.

Get to know the baby I mean

Many of us stayed in hospital for up to 10 days when our babies were born. We were protected by the hospital due to restricted visiting hours.

Nowadays, mothers are sent home before they have time to get to k is the baby. Suddenly there is this little baby dependent on you. While you are learning, possibly not feeling great, you should not be expected to have visitor too. Privacy in your home should not be too much to ask.

I think too many GPS forget how they felt in the early days. Ignore those who want to ride roughshod over you. You will never get this time with your first born again. It should all be about you and your husband.

Oh for heavens sake! What is it with some (thankfully not all) of these modern mothers? I’m sick and tired of their controlling ways and always wanting to lay down the law.

In days gone by we were grateful for all the help we could get with new babies rather than thinking we knew it all and our parents knew nothing.

Get a grip young woman. Stop seeing everyone as being out to thwart your precious plans and ‘bonding’ and grow up.

'Families are about compromise and co operation ,we've all read the threads about estranged
Children /parents ..this is exactly the way to go if thats what she wants..and if she doesn't make an effort with her husbands MOTHER now ..will she ever .Or will this be another mother with an estranged son and a DIL who may well have entirely the wrong idea about her because she hasn't been willing to put some effort into a relationship with her '

What about the mother in law making an effort for her son and DIL and respecting their wishes?
Not putting her wants and needs above the new parents wants?

By saying 'Bonding is stupid' blah blah blah you're minimising their 'wants' and tbh almost taking the piss.
'We didn't have that in my day' gave me the rage as a new parent.
My dad was given cows milk from birth and left outside alone because midwives recommended it.
These days, 60+ years later they recommend smokers not to smoke a good hour before seeing a newborn and new parents 'sit and bond' with your baby. I pulled a face when she said both of those to me as i KNEW my mil would kick up a fuss and my midwife told me to tell them it's midwives orders, any problems ring her and new baby and new mum come first.

The fact she knew what I was thinking before saying a word spoke volumes.

Well if we re looking at our own experiences all three of my children gave birth overseas so all the babies were two or three weeks old when I saw them for the first time none of us have suffered, two of them ( in NZ ) were about five or six months old
Life is as it is, go with the flow

Hear, hear, starlady.

Your inlaws' respect is what you want, bawn. It doesn't matter if they don't like you. People can like you and still not respect you but if you have someone's respect they will behave respectfully (and probably like you too).

Besides which, nice people treat new parents with respect anyway. It doesn't matter if they think your reasons for wanting two weeks of bonding time or whatever without visitors are rubbish. If they respect you and your DH they will stand back and grumble among themselves instead of forcing themselves on you.

Teacher training includes the advice to be much much stricter when you start with new classes than you think you will need to be in the long term. The idea is to assert your authority, and respect for that authority, at the start. Saves a lot of bother later on.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but I don't think estrangements happen because young parents set boundaries. In cases like babybawns, imo, estrangement happens because the gps don't respect boundaries. A co won't necessarily be avoided if young parents give in and let the gps walk all over them. The more likely scenario, imo, is where parents reach a point of no return, as limit after limit is broken - and that's when they'll throw up their hands & decide to co the gps. I'm not saying that's true in all situations, but when gps are pushy like babybawn's ils, I think it is.

Babybawn, there's a saying: "Begin as you mean to continue." Imo, that's what you need to do. If you intend to continue treating dh's side of the family better than your own, then, by all means, start now. If you plan to continue giving into your ils demands and letting them step on your boundaries - or not bothering to set boundaries at all - because why bother? They'll just ignore them anyway - then go ahead and let them visit a couple of times or hey, maybe as much as they want. If you're ok with disrespecting your own dh's wishes in order to placate your ils, then, he might as well know that right now.

But if you would like for you and dh to be able to make your own decisions about your own child, etc, if you would like to be able to set boundaries and have them respected, then you need to be firm now. Could you give in this time and set better limits in the future? I guess, but it will be harder. But only you can decide what pattern you wish to establish. I hope you make the best choice for you and yours.

Thanks, FarNorth.

Babybawn, of course you have to do what seems right to you. But I fear you're just taking what seems like the path of least resistance. Think about your own words:

"We set boundaries, they weren't respected by one side of the family so rather then dig our heels in, I want to try and accommodate the change in plan..."

Iows, you're giving both sides of the family the message that they don't have to respect your boundaries. In fact, the best way to get what they want is to disrespect your boundaries.

You were asking the ils to come at a later date than they want, so no problem with needing time to plan ahead. And I'm skeptical about why the only time that's good for them is right around when baby is due or that they can't see their other gc at a later date either. Imo, this is all manipulation to get to be there when THEY think they should and NEVER MIND what you and dh want.

What if they're not satisfied with what you're offering? What if they come up with reasons why they "have to" visit "one more time" - or "two more times" or "just stop by" to bring another gift or whatever. Will you hold your ground then? Respect dh's wishes? Or give into your ils once again?

Changed days.
My pil saw my baby while we were still in hospital.
When I arrived home they were in their car waiting on us. And stayed while I made their dinner.

Families are about compromise and co operation
I agree paddyann but apparently some are not.

I wonder if, in the future, there will be posts about the selfish PILs who won't come on the plane and look after No 1 child when No 2 is due?

You say you posted before on here babybawn - did you use a different username as there is nothing else under your present name?

paddyann I agree with your post.
The PILs probably have a life too and, of course, you need to book flights in advance in most cases, so booking them already is only sensible. They also have other grandchildren nearby that they wish to see (hope they get a warm welcome there!) so it doesn't sound as if they're planning to spend that much time with you babybawn, and, as you say, the silver lining is that they are not staying with you.

FarNorth, brilliant.

But, paddyann, would you make a point of flying hundreds of miles at a time you had been told was not convenient?

Good points, Starlady.

poster not poster's

paddyanne, poster's asked pils not to come. They decided to come anyway. If pils do not see the baby they're the problem.

One visit, near the end of their 2 weeks, DH to tell them firmly beforehand.