Slight PIL problem

the OP knew what she wanted before posting,I have no idea WHY she posted.I can say that I would have been really upset at not seeing my GC if I'd flown hundres of miles or more.As someone else said these are people she may well NEED help from with subsequent babies.Families are about compromise and co operation ,we've all read the threads about estranged Children /parents ..this is exactly the way to go if thats what she wants..and if she doesn't make an effort with her husbands MOTHER now ..will she ever .Or will this be another mother with an estranged son and a DIL who may well have entirely the wrong idea about her because she hasn't been willing to put some effort into a relationship with her .

2 concerns, babybawn:

1. If you let your ils visit during the time you and dh said you wanted to bond as a family unit, they will get the idea they can override your wishes whenever they want. Also, you're establishing the idea that their needs count more than yours and dh's, even when it comes to your new baby.

2. You seem more concerned with your ils' feelings than your dh's. Is that really the way you want to go?

If it were me, I would stick to my plans. The fact that a certain timing happens to work better for them, doesn't change the fact that it doesn't work for you and dh. You don't have to accommodate them, particularly since you will be new parents, just adjusting to your new life.

But if you feel the need to compromise, then I would go with one visit - one - no matter how they may argue or cajole. All you have to do is not invite them for a second visit and decline if ever they call and ask for one. They can's assert their needs over yours if you don't let them. So don't let them.

I can't believe I'm the only calm grandparent who waited six weeks to see her first grandchild. It wasn't because my daughter wanted it and nor did I but circumstances meant that's how it was. I did not 'suffer' or feel that I was missing out in the least. Actually, if anything, it was as much about seeing my daughter, my first born, as seeing her baby. Yes, definitely that. A six week old baby is not so very different from a newborn. Having your own baby turn into a mother is quite something though.

Can't people cope with excitement and anticipation nowadays?

So I say, allow people to visit as much or as little as you want, bawn. If they visit and outstay their welcome tell them straight up that you'd like them to leave because you feel stressed or tired or whatever. I once did that with a friend of my husband who was in no hurry to go home. I began with "I know you'll understand..." Get your husband in on the act so he can tell them you, all three, want to be by yourselves now.

I don't really get this demanding relatives business. Mine and my husband's were always most considerate and understanding of new mum emotional fragility and need for space.

I would play it by ear. You'll know after one (short) visit how things are going to pan out, I think.

Oh and my MIL gets stressed out making a cup of coffee so doubt she'll be off help to me that way. If she was a doer then I'd probably want her here 24/7

If I lived somewhere else I might think differently and we'd probably be more open to visitors immediately, but we live in London in a small apartment so thought the sensible thing was to give us 2 weeks to find our feet and then let family stay with us....If the birth goes well they might even send me home the day after, which is great and I don't think it's unreasonably for new parents to take time out to spend time with their newbie before opening their doors to family and friends. In this day and age news travels that you can be inundated with visitors. We set boundaries, they weren't respected by one side of the family so rather then dig our heels in, I want to try and accommodate the change in plan and I'm thankful they're not staying with us on this trip. You'd think people would know when to leave but the truth of the matter is that often people overstay their welcome. :-)

I think I'd have died if my MIL had arrived and started washing up or cooking. Some of us like a bit of privacy and even when I had my 4th I didn't want anyone in my kitchen.

"I thought it would be nice for my husband to enjoy his paternity leave without having to share the baby"

babybawn, if this is what you want, this is what you should say you want, no GPIL about other an hour you select.

Some DP or DPIL would just get on with the mundane tasks that need doing which would allow the parents time to bond with the baby. Then when new mum went off for a much-needed nap and new father and new grandad were bonding in the garden or escaping to the pub for a couple of hours, new granny could bond with the baby before she has to fly back home again.

That would be in an ideal world of course.

I find bonding to be a brilliant idea.

They need 'bonding' time these days, just the new parents and the baby, apparently.

Of course, if a second baby, then a third or even a fourth arrives, they may be glad of some help from the PIL whom they were so keen to keep at arm's length the first time.

when people are making an international trip there are often expectations that they can camp out at the house all day and that the new parents will be running around making meals and cups of tea for the visitors.
That is rubbish, most grandparents will be there to cook, wash, make life easier for the new mum and do not expect to be waited on. And know when to withdraw gracefully.

There are, of course, always the exceptions.

When our first GC was coming, in another country, we booked flights so we’d arrive 4 weeks after due date. This was both to allow for baby not arriving on schedule and for the parents to adjust a bit. Unfortunately babybawn’s in-laws haven’t done likewise. I would suggest that if too much and too long visiting is done, some kind of “doctor’s orders” about rest for mother might be invoked, as it used to be the old days.

I don't think it is selfish to want some time for yourself after having a first baby. Especially these days of very short hospital stays many new mothers come home before they have even found their feet with basic babycare.

In previous generations many families lived closer so a quick pop-in could be possible - when people are making an international trip there are often expectations that they can camp out at the house all day and that the new parents will be running around making meals and cups of tea for the visitors.

I had an awful time when MIL and DH's aunt decided to visit for 4 days after DD2 was born - it was like a Royal visit! It had been a very high risk pregnancy culminating in 2 months in a wheelchair and pre-eclampsia. Having visitors that required waiting on and demanding meals and snacks be served to them was not helpful. They threw tantrums (actual crying) when the baby and I went to lie down as we should be entertaining them. The result was that I was so exhausted and stressed that the baby lost a lot of weight and was dashed off for cancer tests.

I totally agree with Luckygirl you can’t be telling one lot no and the other yes be glad you ve got people wanting to visit

It never entered my head to restrict visitors, not that I had that many but I was out the hospital with my third one in 48 hours and was getting on with things looking after the rest of the family by the next day I still bonded with my new baby People can be very precious nowadays it’s all really pie in the sky anyway as ‘they’ are arriving three days after your due date so chances are first child may be late and they miss it altogether just go with the flow it doesn’t sound as if either families are on your doorstep so you ll have plenty of him, me and baby time Enjoy what happens you might be stitched up and sore with aching boobs and not caring who comes along ......good luck

I think it's hard to predict how the new parents will feel. I know of someone who banned family from visiting for the first six weeks of their baby's life.

The day the baby was born, the new dad excitedly phoned his parents to tell them the good news. And the next words out of his mouth? 'Oh, mum, dad, I wish you could see her, she's so beautiful!'

Sadly, because they lived on separate continents and had work commitments, the new GP's weren't able to take an unplanned holiday so didn't see the baby for weeks.

J52 you are right mothers weren't expected to be entertaining within days. Even with my second which was a home birth the midwife left strict instructions about visitors and how long they could stay. She said any problems refer them to me.

Luckygirl the OP hasn't said anything different to her family, the only difference is her family have listened.

Planning to visit 3 days before a first baby is due is madness, my first was ten days late so if my ILs had arranged a 2 week visit starting 3 days before the due date they would have been going home before they could visit as visiting time was over when he arrived and they would probably have gone before visiting time the next day.

Is it selfish to want to protect your time after you have a new baby? And, it is not selfish to insist that you be allowed to visit more than you are wanted, just because you wish?Interesting perspective.

You cannot tell one lot of GPs that they can come and the other lot that they can't.

I agree with Grannyknot - all this stuff about bonding and wanting it to be just parents and new babe for the first two weeks - what is that all about? I was glad for anyone who came and showed they cared; and rolled up their sleeves on my behalf. Babies become part of a wider family, and have lots of people who love them, all of which is a huge asset for them.

I honestly think that is it were just the two of you for two weeks, you would get slightly stir crazy and very tired indeed.

Just tell folk that if they visit you would be grateful if you would make it fairly brief.

All this micro-management of the whole thing comes across as crazy to me - I was just glad to have a healthy baby, to be alive, and to know that folk cared.

Loosen up, stop planning and go with the flow!!

Obviously leaving out the fathers hour!

In days gone by, most of us had a week in hospital with our first babies. There were strict visiting hours during that stay, usually an hour for fathers and another hour when two other visitors could join him.
Maybe you could suggest visits on those lines.

I'm so glad I had my babies in the 1970s and didn't know about micro-managing visitors! People came to visit, sussed when I was tired, and left, or someone close to me gently steered them out the door. And I had loads of visitors, as you do. It's an exciting time.

Why are you asking this Babybawn you have already decided two afternoons is the right amount so go with your gut feeling you know the woman we don’t
Good luck with the baby and your two families

I said all that twice, should have read my post first.

Well, baby could be late as first babies often are, so they may not be there for much of the time after the birth anyway.

Stay calm, and remember, they don't just live up the road they have to book flights and organise things in advance then will be going home again. So you won't have them there for very long anyway.

Stay calm, as you say, go off for a nap if you start to feel stressed and remember that they will be going home again.

You need to do what you feel you should. Please protect your health, both physical and emotional. You're the mum and that is what matters when you're pregnant. If your m i l gets upset it will work out.