Strange little characters corners along the road of estrangement!

..and that Oh our first GC ... was in front of me too!

Flump if you love someone you don't ripped them away from their real family that clearly love them so and they them, that includes my estD. They may have love for my GD, & I hope they do, but they don't love her as we do. When his son was born, his mother was going around saying Oh, our first GC, our first GC in front of my D&GD, so I think that says it all.
Of course I hope she is having a happy childhood, but I'll bet she feels something is missing, as a twin does if separated from birth, they always 'know'. Also, as some adopted children feel, they are nothing like their family and ask themselves 'why?'

Yoga you did what seemed right at the time. It might have worked as it has for others, hindsight is wonderful but not doesn't help when we are making the decisions.

grannyactivist you say; But which of us has never made bad decisions mine was going to court!

Yogagirl you don't see your GD, I don't know why you always insist she isn't loved. She might be adored by her mother, step father and his family, you can't know if you have no contact with them. It might help you if you accept that she might be having a wonderful happy life. Sad that you aren't part of it but great for her.

first post above should read;
^ estD's husband and his mother^

Grannyactivist so terribly sad, my heart goes out to you. I couldn't do as you do, follow what my estD is doing in her life that doesn't include her loving mother & sister, and the rest of her family that loved her so, too, too painful. I hope your estD wakes up very soon, to the fact she has a wonderfully caring mother and grandmother to her children and comes back into the love that awaits her.
Good Bless you

Joannab I never called my D or S nasty, I said what they did was! I call my niceD nice because she is and also it differentiates between my two D, if I only said D, no one would know which one I meant and would ask. I loved my 3 C equally, but now 2 have decided to estrange for more than 5yrs, how could I now love them as much as the one with me, who hasn't decided to destroy me, their loving kind mother.
There is no room in my heart for anger because it's full of sorrow, grieving & hurt for the C I loved with all of my heart and soul, never did or said one word or deed against them. I cry each and every day for my beloveds, my eyes may not tear but heart cries each and every day .
Not one day of rest from this grieving nightmare, cause; no reason other than jealousy from my estD and his mother. My poor little GD taken from being the most loved, adored and cherished little girl in the whole wide world, to being an unloved step child. My estD's husband doesn't care what damaged his done to my precious GD, it's not his child, his mother doesn't care what damaged has been done to my precious GD, it's not her GD!

grannyactivist that is very sad and I do understand what you are saying. Every situation is unique and the way people deal with it has to be very personal. I hope the time comes when you can be reconciled.

Thank you Madgran77 and yes, Luckylegs9, I suppose it is.

Granny activist, what you describe is unconditional love.

grannyactivist I have great admiration for you.

Thank you for your apology Yogagran.
My daughter made some bad decisions when she was going through a difficult patch twelve years ago and in consequence of those decisions she cut off, not just me, but her siblings and my whole extended family. At the time her two children were pre-teens and she has since had another child that I have never met.

Initially I was perplexed because our relationship, although at a geographical distance, was quite good and I had no clue what had prompted her to cut herself off. A couple of years ago I heard, from another family member, the circumstances surrounding the estrangement and was able to understand her decision better. Basically my daughter felt she needed to cut herself off from any contact, even tangentially, from my extended family. Rather than put me in a position where I had to choose to have a relationship with her or my wider family, my daughter made the decision for me and estranged herself from us all.

It's twelve years this week since my daughter telephoned me to say that she would no longer be in direct contact with me, however she agreed to give me the address of a third party so I could continue to send gifts and cards to my grandchildren. I think cutting herself off was an unwise decision and had I known the circumstances at the time I believe we could have found a way through the difficulties. But which of us has never made bad decisions?

I am sad. Sad to not have the contact that we had. Sad that I have a grandchild I have never seen. Sad that I won't be present when my grandchildren graduate. Sad that at family get-togethers there is always somebody precious that's missing. However, I have never ceased to care for my daughter and her children. Most parents want their children to have happy lives don't they? I have always wished them well and I am very glad that it seems my daughter is a loving mother with good friends. I am not destroyed by my daughter's estrangement and I am not going to cease to love her because her actions have wounded me; I'm going to wait and hope and pray that at some time in the future there will be a reconciliation.

Yogagirl as you know I have huge sympathy for estranged GPs/Ps and as I have said many times on this forum I fear it for myself all the time, and feel it creeps closer every week! However I am truly, truly shocked at sarcasm being used towards an estranged GP/P who is managing a difficult and painful situation in her own way. I am sure that estrangement will not have been easy for her and can only imagine the pain she and you have been through...but she does not deserve sarcasm either about her approach or about her estranged AC/GC , that is no help to her, you or anyone else. I know you sent G'net flowers to her afterwards but that just doesn't make up for sarcasm towards another's pain and coping strategies and genuine pride despite the pain, or towards their estranged family. You do not deserve sarcasm in your dreadful sad situation, neither does she.
Please please think about how you approach this forum...once written something can never truly be erased.

I am an EP/EGP who is personally proud of my estranged family's achievements in life but I am not proud of their particular behaviours displayed towards me?

Could this be similar to what you mean Granny Activist, that you are proud of their achievments not proud of their choices to estrange / behaviours towards you ?

I would never label any individual child, as a child or adult child as being my "nasty""nice" "good" "bad" child - I don't think the continued negative twist will ever help matters in the long term.

Before you ask, yes, to estrange a parent is not normal, indeed it is unkind. Yes, I am confused and sad at times. Yes, I wish it was different but it is what it is. I have worked through my initial feelings of anger.

This "good daughter" "nasty daughter" labelling always sounds so very childish to me.

Clearly you are still very angry Yogagirl but do need to take stock of your behaviour on the Gransnet forums and refrain from being extremely snappy, unkind and sarcastic to anyone brave enough to express a different opnion to your own bitter, angry, non forgiving opinions of adult sons and daughters who have chosen or are being influenced to choose the path of estrangement.

May I ask has your "nice daughter" always been "nice" ?

If ever your "nice daughter" cuts you off will she then become a "nasty" daughter too ?

Do you think subsconciously your estranged daughter and son have both maybe felt left out over the years, that her sister has perhaps been your favourite ? Even if this was never your intention, with respect that's the picture you paint to Gransnetters in your description.

How about your estranged son, do you think he is "nasty" I don't recall you referring to him as your "nasty son" ? If he is "nasty" too but reconciles will he then be your "good"son ?

Quite frankly I don't think your estranged son and estranged daughter stand a chance because from your posts it's quite clear to see where your favouritism lies.

Honestly, do grow up "nasty" is a word used in the school yard when a child has called you names and you go running to the teacher IMO.

Nasty is not a word for a professional grown woman, mother and grandmother to use on a public forum.

IMO the sooner you realise the stigma you create and how childish this "nasty" "good" comes over on here, maybe go on to let your anger out elsewhere rather than on Gransnet, a huge punch bag hung up in your garage or a pillow, the sooner you might be able to just chill out and maybe, when your estranged daughter sees you aren't such an angry person towards her on a public forum, she might just come back to you ?

If, she reads Granset she could see how angry you are, your sarcastic behaviour towards other posters, the stigma you put on her calling her "nasty"

Do you think your portrayal of her on a public forum will ever warm her, her partner and her brother's heart towards you, I know it wouldn't me if I was your estranged daughter whilst you are still so angry and labelling me as "nasty" but my sister as "good"

I wish you peace one day Yogagirl but in the meantime your behaviour on Gransnet has been downright awful for weeks now and IMO you are just looking for anything that you might be able to pick at, pick a fight over.

Grannyactivist sorry I was being sarcastic, but you are clearly very proud of your D & GC, yet your beloved D has cut you out of her and her C lives Did you have the pleasure of watching your GC grow, did the estrangement happen after they'd grown up, so at least you have those memories or have you never met them?

I just find it utterly sad that you can speak as you do, I find it utterly sad, nay tragic, that you have been cut out of your D&GC's lives when it sounds like you are a loving mother & grandmother and a very good person.

I was proud of my now estD before all this and would tell her so, but now, after her destroying her birth family, destroying her good kind gentle mother, sister & her little girl, the last word on my lips for my once loved and cherished D is proud! How can you be proud of such cruel destructive actions against those that love you more than any other in the world, no proud is not the word I would use.

It's like you are excepting your D behaviour as normal, ok, no problem It's not ok to treat your mother so, it's not normal, it's not nice, it's bad, evil, cruel and unkind to the highest degree. I think it's very sad that you except this cruel behaviour from your D and speak as you do about her. She has done the most despicable thing against her dear mum and I for one do not believe for one half second, that that is something a mother should be proud of!

I prefer not to use my skills to detect what's going on in my D&GC's lives, too, too painful!

for you *Gannyactivist] from me, but flowers should be coming from your daughter to her loving mum.

I'm sorry Yogagirl, I don't understand your response. I recognise the sarcasm, but can't understand the reason for it. Would you please be rather more forthright in what it is you're saying so that I can respond?

Your estD & GC sound wonderful Grannyactivist, what a lovely gift she gave to her devoted Mother, which you clearly are, a gift of estrangement, no wonder you're so proud of her

I want my estranged daughter and her children to do well and I am fortunate that I have the skills to carry out research that gives me an insight into their lives. My eldest granddaughter has some outstanding achievements to her credit and is in her second year of university. Her younger brother also just scraped into uni and is doing a course that I know will hold his interest. As a family they have nice holidays and my daughter obviously has lots of close friends.
I would never think of any of my children as 'nice or nasty' - they are people with complex personalities who have each chosen their own path in life for reasons that made sense to them. I am very close to my other children and grandchildren and feel a little sad that my estranged daughter misses out on being involved in our family life, but I'm grateful that I can keep track of her from a distance.

Drugs do alot of damage Yogagirl.

Stella I never look on FB pages, too upsetting, but I do get pics of my GC, given to me by well meaning folk. My neighbour's D once knocked on my door, all excited that she had found and printed out a colour pic of my beloved GC, it was lovely! But when she left I put it in a draw as too painful to look at for long. Years on, I have put it in a nice silver frame, but put it behind a fern plant in the dinning room, so I can only see it if I chose to.

It is complicated flump Sadly my Son estranged himself also, my nasty s.i.l put his arm round my Son's shoulders and said we're brothers you and I, and brothers stick together coupled with the fact they were/are drug buddies, they say this makes for a special bond My ND & I cannot understand how he could do this, but he has!

Yogagirl, I wasn't sure from your post, has you son estranged himself from you or your estranged daughter? If it is from you do you think she caused that? If it is from her I suppose that was showing solidarity with you?

It does get complicated. I've got a bit of a headache so I might just be being thick.

Well done Luckylegs. Aside from anything else, why should we desperately ‘run after’ these people? Would we even like them if they were not related to us?

Alexa, I agree.
Yogagirl, I looked briefly at the research, I will get back to it. I stopped using FB a few months ago. It was part of the problem for me. There was always the temptation to look at pages that would push my buttons.

BTW those anodyne pics of grinning people that Grans net shows before one clicks Forums, are the stuff that the Christmas , Valentines Day etc etc myths are made of. These forums are much more truthful and true to life and I for one very much appreciate down- to -earth , tell-it-like-it -is grans in the forums.