Strange little characters corners along the road of estrangement!

Well done - life can be cruel, but you are "keeping on keeping on." There is nothing else to do.

Almost 2 years ago Mr. S. I saw Cold Play in concert, it was amasing, the best I've ever been too and that includes Michael Jackson.

We'd taken the decision to move because of our estrangement and had got a buyer just 2 days before the concert so a few emotional corners turned there.

At one point during the concert when there were fire works going up and the thousands of fans were all singing in unison, I got goose bumps and that was the moment that I knew there was life after estrangement, there was life without .....

Mr. S. and I were playing music the other evening as we often do and as we played some Cold Play I told him about my experience nearly 2 years ago.

I can't say I've never looked back because I still do occasionally but nothing like as much as I used too.

Stella it's not an easy road on which to travel but we can do it.

Stella I'm so very sorrow for your estrangement from your dear Son Does he still see his sisters & their children?

I too gave my 3C a wonderful childhood, so you ask yourself 'why?' The first year I said "no Xmas this year, no tree!" but in the end I did put a beautiful tree up, it made me feel better, as with every Xmas from then. The first few years where bad, but I do now have some happiness.

If you mean emotional corners in moving on for me no. All the happy times; my daughter's wedding day, the birth of my GD from her, that I know will never be taken from me, the news of a second baby growing in my nice daughter's tummy, all these things are tinged with a sense of sadness, my nice daughter feels the same.

I don’t know where the term ‘characters’ came from in the title of the thread. Some kind of Apple auto-grammar thing ? Anyway, thank you for your replies. Yogagirl, Son has also CO one daughter. Something really trivial was employed as a means of offence. He even unfriended her children on FB. How do you explain to a child, why an uncle has done that? That daughter is my oldest child and has a different Father to the other two. He has an ongoing ‘good’ relationship with the other daughter. She works much harder at that that he does though. She has lived in various parts of the UK and abroad over the last 15 years and he had never visited her. The visits are made by her. I have a sense that the lack of effort of his part has not gone unnoticed by her lovely, sensible husband ?

OH dear Stella my estD cut everyone off, aside from her brother and of course he has estranged himself also . They both couldn't given a reason for it, because there isn't one, aside from my estD's jealous husband and his mother.

Yes Stella strange how the naughty auto correct works, someone's having a good laugh somewhere

Yogagirl, and others, have you seen this? standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalReport.pdf

I cannot remember a specific date or time, just eventually the realisation that I couldn't do this anymore. I hurt at times, some more than others, you always have that love for your adult child but whatever their grievances they should have the decency and compassion to discuss things. By me keep trying and being rebuffed, I was just condoning her bad behaviour and making myself ill.

Interesting Stella thanks for link, I'll take a look at their FB page, when I get the time and inclination, have you?

I sometimes wonder how my sons can even like me. Then I remind myself that they too are imperfect. I am lucky in my daughters in law. I do believe that a woman's pillow talk has an enormous influence upon the man on the pillow beside them in the bed. This is one of the realisations that helped me to accept disappointments.

Something else that cleared the way for me a little more, is seeing myself as too gullible. I should have been willing to see beloved people warts and all.

BTW those anodyne pics of grinning people that Grans net shows before one clicks Forums, are the stuff that the Christmas , Valentines Day etc etc myths are made of. These forums are much more truthful and true to life and I for one very much appreciate down- to -earth , tell-it-like-it -is grans in the forums.

Alexa, I agree.
Yogagirl, I looked briefly at the research, I will get back to it. I stopped using FB a few months ago. It was part of the problem for me. There was always the temptation to look at pages that would push my buttons.

Well done Luckylegs. Aside from anything else, why should we desperately ‘run after’ these people? Would we even like them if they were not related to us?

Yogagirl, I wasn't sure from your post, has you son estranged himself from you or your estranged daughter? If it is from you do you think she caused that? If it is from her I suppose that was showing solidarity with you?

It does get complicated. I've got a bit of a headache so I might just be being thick.

Stella I never look on FB pages, too upsetting, but I do get pics of my GC, given to me by well meaning folk. My neighbour's D once knocked on my door, all excited that she had found and printed out a colour pic of my beloved GC, it was lovely! But when she left I put it in a draw as too painful to look at for long. Years on, I have put it in a nice silver frame, but put it behind a fern plant in the dinning room, so I can only see it if I chose to.

It is complicated flump Sadly my Son estranged himself also, my nasty s.i.l put his arm round my Son's shoulders and said we're brothers you and I, and brothers stick together coupled with the fact they were/are drug buddies, they say this makes for a special bond My ND & I cannot understand how he could do this, but he has!

Drugs do alot of damage Yogagirl.

I want my estranged daughter and her children to do well and I am fortunate that I have the skills to carry out research that gives me an insight into their lives. My eldest granddaughter has some outstanding achievements to her credit and is in her second year of university. Her younger brother also just scraped into uni and is doing a course that I know will hold his interest. As a family they have nice holidays and my daughter obviously has lots of close friends.
I would never think of any of my children as 'nice or nasty' - they are people with complex personalities who have each chosen their own path in life for reasons that made sense to them. I am very close to my other children and grandchildren and feel a little sad that my estranged daughter misses out on being involved in our family life, but I'm grateful that I can keep track of her from a distance.

Your estD & GC sound wonderful Grannyactivist, what a lovely gift she gave to her devoted Mother, which you clearly are, a gift of estrangement, no wonder you're so proud of her

I'm sorry Yogagirl, I don't understand your response. I recognise the sarcasm, but can't understand the reason for it. Would you please be rather more forthright in what it is you're saying so that I can respond?

Grannyactivist sorry I was being sarcastic, but you are clearly very proud of your D & GC, yet your beloved D has cut you out of her and her C lives Did you have the pleasure of watching your GC grow, did the estrangement happen after they'd grown up, so at least you have those memories or have you never met them?

I just find it utterly sad that you can speak as you do, I find it utterly sad, nay tragic, that you have been cut out of your D&GC's lives when it sounds like you are a loving mother & grandmother and a very good person.

I was proud of my now estD before all this and would tell her so, but now, after her destroying her birth family, destroying her good kind gentle mother, sister & her little girl, the last word on my lips for my once loved and cherished D is proud! How can you be proud of such cruel destructive actions against those that love you more than any other in the world, no proud is not the word I would use.

It's like you are excepting your D behaviour as normal, ok, no problem It's not ok to treat your mother so, it's not normal, it's not nice, it's bad, evil, cruel and unkind to the highest degree. I think it's very sad that you except this cruel behaviour from your D and speak as you do about her. She has done the most despicable thing against her dear mum and I for one do not believe for one half second, that that is something a mother should be proud of!

I prefer not to use my skills to detect what's going on in my D&GC's lives, too, too painful!

for you *Gannyactivist] from me, but flowers should be coming from your daughter to her loving mum.

I am an EP/EGP who is personally proud of my estranged family's achievements in life but I am not proud of their particular behaviours displayed towards me?

Could this be similar to what you mean Granny Activist, that you are proud of their achievments not proud of their choices to estrange / behaviours towards you ?

I would never label any individual child, as a child or adult child as being my "nasty""nice" "good" "bad" child - I don't think the continued negative twist will ever help matters in the long term.

Before you ask, yes, to estrange a parent is not normal, indeed it is unkind. Yes, I am confused and sad at times. Yes, I wish it was different but it is what it is. I have worked through my initial feelings of anger.

This "good daughter" "nasty daughter" labelling always sounds so very childish to me.

Clearly you are still very angry Yogagirl but do need to take stock of your behaviour on the Gransnet forums and refrain from being extremely snappy, unkind and sarcastic to anyone brave enough to express a different opnion to your own bitter, angry, non forgiving opinions of adult sons and daughters who have chosen or are being influenced to choose the path of estrangement.

May I ask has your "nice daughter" always been "nice" ?

If ever your "nice daughter" cuts you off will she then become a "nasty" daughter too ?

Do you think subsconciously your estranged daughter and son have both maybe felt left out over the years, that her sister has perhaps been your favourite ? Even if this was never your intention, with respect that's the picture you paint to Gransnetters in your description.

How about your estranged son, do you think he is "nasty" I don't recall you referring to him as your "nasty son" ? If he is "nasty" too but reconciles will he then be your "good"son ?

Quite frankly I don't think your estranged son and estranged daughter stand a chance because from your posts it's quite clear to see where your favouritism lies.

Honestly, do grow up "nasty" is a word used in the school yard when a child has called you names and you go running to the teacher IMO.

Nasty is not a word for a professional grown woman, mother and grandmother to use on a public forum.

IMO the sooner you realise the stigma you create and how childish this "nasty" "good" comes over on here, maybe go on to let your anger out elsewhere rather than on Gransnet, a huge punch bag hung up in your garage or a pillow, the sooner you might be able to just chill out and maybe, when your estranged daughter sees you aren't such an angry person towards her on a public forum, she might just come back to you ?

If, she reads Granset she could see how angry you are, your sarcastic behaviour towards other posters, the stigma you put on her calling her "nasty"

Do you think your portrayal of her on a public forum will ever warm her, her partner and her brother's heart towards you, I know it wouldn't me if I was your estranged daughter whilst you are still so angry and labelling me as "nasty" but my sister as "good"

I wish you peace one day Yogagirl but in the meantime your behaviour on Gransnet has been downright awful for weeks now and IMO you are just looking for anything that you might be able to pick at, pick a fight over.

Yogagirl as you know I have huge sympathy for estranged GPs/Ps and as I have said many times on this forum I fear it for myself all the time, and feel it creeps closer every week! However I am truly, truly shocked at sarcasm being used towards an estranged GP/P who is managing a difficult and painful situation in her own way. I am sure that estrangement will not have been easy for her and can only imagine the pain she and you have been through...but she does not deserve sarcasm either about her approach or about her estranged AC/GC , that is no help to her, you or anyone else. I know you sent G'net flowers to her afterwards but that just doesn't make up for sarcasm towards another's pain and coping strategies and genuine pride despite the pain, or towards their estranged family. You do not deserve sarcasm in your dreadful sad situation, neither does she.
Please please think about how you approach this forum...once written something can never truly be erased.

Thank you for your apology Yogagran.
My daughter made some bad decisions when she was going through a difficult patch twelve years ago and in consequence of those decisions she cut off, not just me, but her siblings and my whole extended family. At the time her two children were pre-teens and she has since had another child that I have never met.

Initially I was perplexed because our relationship, although at a geographical distance, was quite good and I had no clue what had prompted her to cut herself off. A couple of years ago I heard, from another family member, the circumstances surrounding the estrangement and was able to understand her decision better. Basically my daughter felt she needed to cut herself off from any contact, even tangentially, from my extended family. Rather than put me in a position where I had to choose to have a relationship with her or my wider family, my daughter made the decision for me and estranged herself from us all.

It's twelve years this week since my daughter telephoned me to say that she would no longer be in direct contact with me, however she agreed to give me the address of a third party so I could continue to send gifts and cards to my grandchildren. I think cutting herself off was an unwise decision and had I known the circumstances at the time I believe we could have found a way through the difficulties. But which of us has never made bad decisions?

I am sad. Sad to not have the contact that we had. Sad that I have a grandchild I have never seen. Sad that I won't be present when my grandchildren graduate. Sad that at family get-togethers there is always somebody precious that's missing. However, I have never ceased to care for my daughter and her children. Most parents want their children to have happy lives don't they? I have always wished them well and I am very glad that it seems my daughter is a loving mother with good friends. I am not destroyed by my daughter's estrangement and I am not going to cease to love her because her actions have wounded me; I'm going to wait and hope and pray that at some time in the future there will be a reconciliation.

grannyactivist I have great admiration for you.

Granny activist, what you describe is unconditional love.