Have we reached a crossroad?

There may not be a way Iluvcruz
You and your husband are complete and utter opposites He is a quiet man who enjoys his own company is shy, socially private, he’s an introvert, you on the other hand are an extrovert through and through you call yourself gregarious, you yearn new countries, new people, new adventures You have spent 45 years trying to meet in the middle and you ve rubbed along up to now but the crack of differences has grown into a huge chasm and with no work and no workmates to boost you up you are lost with a man so far removed from what you want that it is an impossible hurdle to get over.
Have you ever realised how difficult it must be for him every time you want him to be what he’s not

You say you will never break the family up because of your children and grandchildren so if that’s the case you have to lower your expectations at the moment you want it all Happy family, calm life, great companionship and loads of BIG adventures but they don’t all fit in the same jigsaw You are doing two jigsaws at the same time and the pieces just won’t fit

You sound as if you have a VERY blest life with holidays, cruises, and travel at your fingertips I ll swap with you I ve been on my own 20 years and it’s very hard to motivate yourself or have the cash to go somewhere even nearby I d love to have holidays all over the world and an open extrovert personality and a kind man waiting for me each day Count your blessings and enjoy your life even if in a slightly less dramatic way

I would go.
It’s good to have separate interests and time away from each other occasionally.
Your husband sounds as if he’d be quite content to stay at home, and he may even consider it a little holiday of his own.
You can share your adventures via the internet, and enjoy meeting fellow travellers.

You say he enjoys cruising. Why not just book a wonderful 40th anniversary cruise? Cruises are a good compromise :you can be as sociable as you want to be and he can do his own thing. Do a cruise around Oz and NZ? You'll get to see the things you want to see and he can be as comfortable as he wants to be.

What a very sad situation. I would definitely go on the trip.
If you don't you will forevermore regret it. You are only 60 and obviously still have a love of life which your husband obviously doesn't have.
Time to have that very difficult conversation as the two of you still have a lot years 'together' going into old age.
I wish you well with that.

Her husband does have a love for life Petra just not the same love as the posters he loves cycling walking going on holiday in England cruising playing with his grandkids
She knew when they married that they were total opposites but loved him enough to accept it, in fact her opening sentence is We have always been opposites
This is about expectation and disapointment and life is full of those I think the cruise round Australia sounds a great comptromise jane10 and should suit both parties otherwise go on your own if you are as gregarious as you say you ll fit in well and meet lots of like minded travellers and then when you get back have a Scottish holiday together.

I have a husband who is not good at all on the social front.

I choose to go away on group holidays of different types. sometimes with my Geology groups. There are plenty of options for single holidaying if you look for them.

Separation seems an over reaction to this. I would not stay because it would upset my family but that is by the by. My husband and I enjoy different hobbies and often do things separately but make a point of sharing some things. You have to talk about this and agree a compromise, perhaps you need to look hard at your life as BlueBelle said and realise you are indeed fortunate and this is not such a big issue.

You could be describing Mr M, Iluvcruz! We too are complete opposites, and sometimes I get a bit miffed with him. But by and large, we manage each other’s differences. (I assume he gets just as frustrated as me!). To be honest, I override him a bit, and just plan the things I really want to do - although I also try to do things he wants to do too, and luckily, he will go along with it. I don’t overthink the situation, and accept the fact that we’re two very different individuals. I’d book the trip and insist that he stops complaining!! ??? Good luck!

If you ever feel the urge to volunteer for Relate, Norah - resist!

Ilovcruz I had somehow got it into my head that your DH was restricting holiday options to the likes of touring Scotland, but now you say you flew to Dubai last year and have just got back from Tenerife
Sounds OK to me. Hardly the repressed hell some people are advocating separation from.
I am sure you will sort something out but just bear in mind there are many, many others who have neither the funds, the health (or the partner) to share your problem

BlueBelle
Unfortunately I started my post and then got into a conversation with OH. By the time I got back to it, Iluvcruz had given us a lot more info about her husband.
I agree that he does have a love for life, just very different from OP. Very sad, but with the best will on both sides these issues can be sorted.

Why not book a wonderful cruise sailing out of Southampton. No flights needed. There are some amazing trips to be had and hopefully you would both enjoy.

ilovecruz He said he would (under duress) if I really wanted, but that wouldn’t be much fun for either of us

So what’s the problem? Go, take him with you and make it fun.
You’ll have to try hard though. I wouldn’t fancy long-haul to Australia and four internal flights as well.
Perhaps you just have too many holidays?

I wonder if your distress isn’t actually about the transition from work to retirement. It’s a new life stage, sometimes it needs careful planning, discussion and a change of approach. You bring very different wants and needs to your marriage, much the same as many others. Often it is less noticeable when life is full of other people and routine. You set time aside for child care, maybe voluntary work would help in the right setting, what about a discussion group, involve yourself in fund raising, there’s so much you could do.

You both do seem to have fairly rigid thinking. Can you focus for a bit on the things you do enjoy together? With your Thames walk why not a sandwich one time and a restaurant the next? Could you travel together, let your husband cycle (wouldn’t be my thing either) while you do what you enjoy in the day and come together in the evening to share your days? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

You both enjoy a cruise, if you can go for a month there are many options from the UK. It seems crazy that to ‘celebrate’ an anniversary you would not work through options together and agree on something you would both enjoy.

I worked with a lovely lady a long while ago who on considering the range of people tensions and ‘problems’ present in our office often said ‘aah but it’s hard to be kind when you would actually love to have that problem’. In some ways you are fortunate to have the choices you have. Please think creatively about this new life stage, with the desire to be together I suspect it could work well for you both. I hope so.

It sounds as though you retired a tad early, gave up work for your children and now are finding fault with your DH.
It’s a dilemma as your DCs obviously rely on you, but 3 days of 6 Grandchildren might not be stimulating enough for you and now you need plenty of holidays to get away from it all. If you are determined not to separate then holidays apart would be the only other option, as you say DH hasn’t changed but since you retired, you have.

I have always been happy to do things on my own or with a friend because my OH has never been keen on getting out and about. It is not something that I find a problem. It is not something I resent. He has the right to live his life as he wishes when it comes to these things. He has suffered from anxiety all his life and now has PD, which means I am lucky to persuade him to go into the garden!!

I know it can feel frustrating, but the crux of the matter is that I RESPECT him and his take on life; whereas it is coming across as if you think he is rather silly not to see things the same as you do, or being obstructive.

I do think you need to "reframe" this, as the psychologists say. If you treat him and his point of view with respect, there will I am sure be a way to take this forward. It is quite tough on him to basically be saying "This is what I want to do and if you do not want to you are being mean and silly and I am going to badger you till you come to your senses and see my point of view." I do feel a bit sorry for him.

Your description of all the places you have been recently sounds beyond belief to my ears: both in terms of being able to do this and being able to afford it!!!

The psychological technique of reframing is at base an exhortation to count your blessings - of which you have many indeed!

To be blunt I think you need to start thinking about your OH in a respectful manner; and the rest will flow from there. You will be able to discuss these things from a new standpoint.

Sorry it took so long to compose this post that I see Cornergran has said most of it already! And much better than me........

Given all the things you both do and all the trips that you have, it seems to me that you are always out and about. Do you think it is worth thinking about whether your frenetic activity is your problem (just as you feel his more home-based attitude is a problem). There is a lot to be said for having times when you are at peace in your own company (or his) and let the world drift by a bit. Sometimes a desire for non-stop stimulation is a symptom of being basically unhappy with yourself. Just a passing thought - I will let it pass, as I am sure you will!

I do realise how fortunate we are (mainly as we worked hard and saved hard, didn’t over extend on property ladder and both have employer pensions) and I count my blessings every day. Considered the cruise but to get to Australia from U.K. it is a three month cruise and we can’t afford the time. Otherwise you still have the flights to pick up cruise in Sydney or Brisbane.

If you ever get to plan a trip to Oz you will realise that 4 internal flights aren’t necessarily excessive but essential if you are to see the Cities/outback/Ayers Rock and Gt Barrier Reef which is the usual itinerary unless you want very long drives.
I have generally taken Matriark’s approach but don’t feel it fair to impose this trip on him knowing he really doesn’t want it. So whilst the adventurer in me thinks I could go alone and do it as I would prefer (hotel/excursion/dining options), the realist in me knows sadly I am likely just to suck it up and stay home. As I say we do love each other despite our differences and know we can’t change each other. And inspite how it may appear from my post I’m not a selfish person just sad we won’t have these shared experiences.

Seems to me, being blunt, that you want to go to Australia, he doesn’t, you won’t go without him so it looks, to me, that you won’t be going. Seriously not the end of the world when you list all the places you have been together. I can’t get mine up to Derbyshire so I consider you’ve got a good man who has a mind of his own and the right to say no sometimes. Get over it. As we never know what’s just round the corner I’d give up the battle for now and enjoy the things you do share. Who knows, he may change his mind or other circumstances allow you to go down under.

In answer to your original post I think, yes you have reached a crossroads and you do need to evaluate your relationship. That doesn't mean it has to be a parting of the ways.
Forgive me,Iluvcruz but you sound exhausting; that frenetic itinerary for the proposed trip to Australia; no wonder he is digging his heels in. Why not compromise and consider Vietnam, with just a little cycling? You wouldn't want to spend a month cycling and walking; he doesn't wan't a month with six flights, two of them long haul. He has joined you in a pretty good range of holidays that you wanted so far.
I don't buy the 'he encouraged me to give up work' scenario. You clearly miss your job but don't seem to be able to leave your husband to his own devices. Go back to work , and if that is not possible (charity shops would not seem to be an option at present!) do something, ON YOUR OWN. Anything is better than daytime TV. Use some of the money you are wasting spending on holidays to fund activities where you can meet people, and spend some time away from your husband and family. Try listening to Classic FM. And playing with the children at a two year old's birthday party is a good thing to do; don't cross-question him about who he spoke to.
Go on the holidays of your choice with a friend or relative, but be warned: the wife of a friend became obsessed with cruising when she retired, refused to consider anything else. After the first three cruises her husband backed out; she goes for several weeks three times each year leaving him at home alone. She thinks.
If the lady concerned has anything to do with it he won't be there much longer.

I think the "introvert"/"extrovert" difference is key here, Iluvcruz. Dh can't help the way he is, anymore than you can help how you are. We're talking about basic personality here. And, of course, though 60 is still "young" in these times, you are both getting older and more set in your ways.

So I think you need to try to respect each other's differences. Not just compromise because you 'have to" - you've done that. I mean really try to understand and respect that the other has different social needs and don't try to nudge each other to be different.

Of course, there still has to be some compromise. Would dh be ok with the trip if you just stayed in one place and didn't do all that flying around (and constantly having to meet/deal with new people, I suppose)? Would he prefer to go someplace where you people have friends or family, so he would feel more comfortable? Would it help if you shortened the trip? Or just planned a cruise, as another poster said?

If none of these ideas are workable, then, I say, yes, go to Australia on your own. Again, maybe cut the trip shorter if you don't want to be away from him too long. And, maybe, get to do some things you wouldn't if her were there. Celebrate your Ruby some other way, either before or after you go, with a lovely dinner in and, perhaps, a good DVD and some wine or something. Make the trip about getting to be totally you and doing things you like to do.

Yes, you have reached a crossroads but it's time for a good think about what you both want out of your retirement and not for drastic action.

The two of you seem to have a strong bond despite your differences and are a strong family unit. You both retired very early in order to care for your DGC and you chose to do that, but was it the best thing to do? Perhaps your DS is feeling a lack of purpose in his life as he spends time in front of the television, although tinnitus could be debilitating.
When DS retired (much later than that) whenever anyone asked if he was 'enjoying retirement' he said 'No, I'm Not', so in the end I encouraged him to join in with local activities, clubs and now he's out more than me.

Some couples, when they retire, seem to be 'joined at the hip' and never do anything separately. We have our own hobbies and activities but also do many things together.
Can you investigate your local groups such as WI, TG, U3A and find some outside hobbies that you enjoy while he is off cycling or walking, or taking it in turns to look after the DGC? Perhaps you could both join the NT as you could take the DGC to various places too.

As for Australia, I would have a re-think, don't abandon the idea but two long-haul flights plus four internal flights is too much in that length of time imo. If you can compromise perhaps he may change his mind. What about suggesting flying in to one city, staying there for a week then hiring a campervan, perhaps driving up the East Coast, then flying out of another city? Or join a cruise when you get there?
Friends of ours cruised all the way out to Sydney, spent a week there then flew home but that was quite a long trip.

Oh dear OP, you do sound bored with your life. I'm not sure why you need your DH with you all the time to enjoy things? Are you projecting your own dissatisfaction with your life onto him. A kind of "if only he was more sociable everything would be OK"
There are several alternatives that others have suggested but you don't want any of them. Maybe because you then wouldn't have him to blame when you didn't enjoy yourself.
Sorry, I'm not very good with people who for some reason want problems rather than solutions.

I was going to suggest a cruise to Oz and NZ but I see Jane10 beat me to it! I hate flying but have flown to NZ via Hong Kong because oh was in the army in HK and wanted to go. We cruised from NZ and ended up in Sydney. I keep saying my long haul days are over but oh lives to travel and I love oh. I live the holidays. I was dreading 9 hours to Settle but it was OK in the end. Sri Lanka next year for a wedding. Oh has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and I'm so glad we've done so many fabulous trips. Fingers crossed many more to come.