Kind helpful suport with moving on from family estrangement

'This was absolutely not the case, but we have to respect that this is how he has felt for many years.'

I think this is key. That you have respected his feelings and his views. That you've both laid cards on the table and admitted where you and him went wrong. Explained both sides and you've both listened.
That's why it's worked out in my opinion.

My MIL was very quick to defend herself and minimise what had gone on. Calling DHs feelings 'silly' which then turned into arguments which were 'silly little arguments'...
When they really wasn't he was trying to explain his, very real feelings and she would dismiss them.
Which is why he stopped talking because she wasn't listening..

gmelon thanks for sharing. I am a middle child and I think sometimes being the middle one of three can be difficult, the older one is the first and no one can ever take that away, they always seem to be allowed to do things you can't and then the baby is always the baby and gets away with things. Doesn't mean it is that way from the adults point of view but I can understand how it feels. In my family I ended up being the closest to my mother but I think leaving home early helped, I was just 17. I didn't cut anyone off but I needed the space.

It is wonderful that you have worked it out and helped him see he is loved.

MesMopTop Thank you for your kind wishes and generousity in sending them.
I don't think the glimmer of hope ever leaves us when estranged, our children and grandchildren are constantly a presence in our minds .

correction
When I say he has had support all his life, I mean all his young life growing up, and when he returned at 23 for that year.
Obviously we were not able to do this all those years we were apart.

123flump
He says that as a child he felt pushed out by our youngest son who was 6yrs younger than him and the baby of the family.
This was absolutely not the case, but we have to respect that this is how he has felt for many years.

We were not aware that this had created such anger and entrenched views.
All the boys were treated in the same manner and their differing needs met. Or so we thought.

We have talked and talked and he now has been reassured and remembers his childhood with a little more objectivity and realises it wasn't quite so bad and certain major things that he remembers were totally not as they appeared to him as a child. So we have been able to explain to him what actually was happening back then.
Most of all we said sorry to him that he was unhappy, we wouldn't have wanted that for the world and wished we had known.
We have all laid our cards on the table, listened and admitted where we went wrong.

He had lots of support from us all his life and particularly when he was finding it hard to decide which direction to take and what to study at school.
We found a college that was more suitable rather than the sixth form of his school. (he didn't go in the end because he had gone from home).

At our house, at Christmas, he met up with his younger brother (the one he thought pushed him out) there is a little bit of uneasiness because they have such different lives. Youngest was 10yrs old when they last saw each other.

Middle son was very surprised to find the youngest married, and them living a very frantic, busy life workwise.
Our middle son had imagined us and the youngest living in each others pockets and having a whale of a time together all these years. In fact we more or less have to make an appointment to see him and our daughter in law.

His brothers are both yet to have children and all three are totally different characters anyway.

He has a fiery and short temper , but this is nowadays backed up by him being very thoughtful about the issue and the next day and we make peace.

In his words he says he needs to feel safe and have the security of us . He's been without it all this time and didn't like that.
He offers us a lot of help and good advice too, about all sorts of aspects of our lives.
He has also been a great help to us in practical terms, doing a lot of work in our house etc, so this is not all one way just for him.

I think we have all grown up quite a lot since back then and are coming at this as different people.

He says some lovely things to us about how the future will be and us going over to France when he rents a villa this summer for a holiday with the children (and hopefully his wife).

I think we have all grown up quite a lot since back then and are coming at this as very different people.

It’s hearing about success stories like yours Maddy and Gmelon, that keeps the little bit of hope alive, especially on days when it just feels so hopeless. So happy to share your your wonderful news ladies. Here’s hoping for some more good news! My news is that it’s bucketing down which is good because we will get some much needed water in our tank. When we run low we’ve got to buy it and have it delivered by huge bowsers. You really don’t miss the water till the well runs dry. UK is blessed to have so much rain. Hope it stops though when I’m driving to work, can be quite hairy at times. Bonus is that it’s much cooler, very welcome indeed. Have a good day everyone x

gmelon that is amazing. Truly amazing to have such a turn round. Do you have any idea why it all happened or have you just accepted it?

Long may it last.

I was so emotional last night knowing my daughter won't be there where she should be for my sons wedding. However I have to try accept she no longer wants us in her life I really do

Hope you are feeling much brighter today.

I understand, it's so hard isn't it? But as the preparations begin I hope you will be able to share the joy and excitement of the wedding preparations with your lovely son and his partner. When my daughter married last year she was firm in her resolve not to invite her estranged brother, and actually it was for the best. It would never have seemed like that at the beginning when I had dreams of a grand reunion. And although she has never said I think she was trying to protect me and her Dad from causing us any more grief should he have come and been "difficult". Maybe your son is doing the same. I think it is different for siblings somehow and how he must hate the sorrow and stress his sister has bought to his precious parents. On the wedding day I really was just able to enjoy the excitement of the day and not think about our son. Once we got home that night, surrounded by old friends who were staying with us, I cried and cried and cried (and I NEVER cry in public normally) but the wedding itself was just joyous. I really hope that you will be able to have that experience too Celegran - the joy part, not the tears.

A rollercoaster of a day (as is my norm) but being positive:

We picked up our 5 year old grandson after school, then got out all the wooden train track and made a track that covered the whole room. We then had a wonderful couple of hours playing with Thomas and his friends.

And right now I am in my bed, plus hot water bottle simultaneously playing Scrabble on my tablet with my daughter who is in her bed two miles away and my son in his bedroom across the hall. They are also playing each other. My son will win, he has autism and knows every two letter word in the dictionary, which is often the key to winning!

celebgran and anyone else long term estranged.
I would like to share my experience . Do not give up hope.

I have three adult sons.

My middle son left home at 16 . (obv against our wishes)

Was not in contact with us at all, not once, until he was 23.
Contact lasted aprox a year in which time he gained a girlfriend and his baby son, our grandson.

The one and only time we saw the baby was in hospital a day after he was born. Then he cut us off again.

We knew nothing, nothing, for all these years.

9 years on and very early last year my son suddenly contacted me through facebook and re-entered our lives complete with his now four children.

A wife and his own comfortable home.

We have had a couple of major fall outs but this time he always wants to resolve things , as obviously we do and have always done.

Over Christmas his marriage hit rocky times , (due to reasons that could not possibly have been forseen) and he is currently back living in our house complete with eldest grandson. (School is a few steps over the road for this grandson.)

The rest of the grandchildren visit as if they've always known us and suddenly everything is as it should be.

I had resigned myself to getting on with life years ago but was always wistful for what should have been. I imagined my grandson growing up, wondered what he was like now.

What I couldn't possibly have imagined was that there are now four beautiful grandchildren and the pleasure of seeing our son as a doting Father.

Ladies and Gentlemen never give up.

Oh thanks maddyone you are so kind?
I am genuinely pleased for you.

As this is positive thread my dh heard from his niece few weeks ago via Facebook he only has one niece and nephew and cousin in New Zealand 2nd cousin in Bristol
Anyway great they made contact after 9 years! She is 46 and has little daughter of 2! Such a surprise we hope we can meet up some point,

You are such a lovely person Celeb, you are always ready to give a kindly word. I was a bit worried to mention my good fortune in being back in contact with grandchildren again, it seems cruel when others are not able to see their grandchildren, but this is a celebratory thread, speaking of what is good in our lives, and despite my daughter’s illness, the up side is the children. But you Celeb, so kindly shared my joy, without any bitterness at all. God bless you.

Can I just make it clear I started this thread for everyone it isn't meant to be divisive, the original one was started by nanban, and smilless and yogagirl joined me and everyone repeat everyone is welcome new and old on this thread same as other one,

????

Aagh so glad you able enjoy little ones maddyone

You could have enjoyed some?Had you been nearer!

Do hope your daughter getting corrrect help I think medics much more aware of this sort depression now.

Glad you enjoyed lunch good have catch-up isn't it?
I am relaxing in front fire, after acquacise usually feel sleepy!

I was so emotional last night knowing my daughter won't be there where she should be for my sons wedding.
However I have to try accept she no longer wants us in her life I really do.

Hi everyone, that cake looks yummy Celeb, I just fancy a piece. I think I’ll have to have a go at making a coffee and walnut cake, your one has wet my appetite.
I’ve just got back from my lunch with ladies I used to work with, it’s nice to catch up with them every couple of months. It’s a lovely day here, cool but sunny, Mr M has been busy in the garden whilst I’ve been gone, and it looks very neat and tidy now. Last night I was helping my daughter (yes she has got post natal depression Celeb, and other issues) and playing with the little ones in the bath and reading bedtime stories is a joy I missed so much last year. I am blessed to be able to do this again.

It is sad that people need food banks is it same in oz too mrs meptop?

Thanks ms meptop cake was a success !

More positive news have pedicure to do next week!

Really enjoyed acquacise today.

Not so keen on visit from accountant

Now to have late snack and rest!

Quite a few girls at work are on minimum wage and have little children and some are lone parents. We do have food banks here. Isn’t it sad so many people have such hard lives. I won’t waste a thing if I can help it.

Foodbank? Some child might love them and not get them very often.

Happy birthday Mr Celeb and that cake looks too good to cut, but I would anyway, bet it tastes as good as it looks. I was just thinking to myself, even when people get arsey, argumentative and have hissy fits and soars, I think that’s because there is still some connection there. If people absolutely don’t give a toss about you, then they really don’t acknowledge you at all. Not even verbally bash you yo yheir other friends and family. Maybe anger and being mean is just the other side of the coin from being loving and kind. I’d like to think it’s a sign of hope for us all. Wonderful news for you Flump. And your son is going to go do his thing and be back before you know it Celeb. Now, anyone know some good recipes using special k and/or coco pop cereals? I’ve been buying boxes of cereals because every 2 boxes gets you 10 dollars in book tokens. I have 80 dollars and many boxes of cereal ? I’m aiming to collect the hundred dollar maximum. Just as well I like special k and a couple of boxes coco pops for DH. Took some to work for the girls there as they’ve got little children that will enjoy. Right off the topic but I am very pleased with myself ! I think there’s nothing nicer than the look, feel and smell of a nice new book. Should be doing some paperwork but I’m bunking off on here. So nice to see the other ladies too. ?

Hi maddyone yes I did make dh cake and it was rather nice brag brag as I don't often bake cakes.

Aagh bless you cornishsue yes that is my twin brothers oldest son and his little ones are the family we have great relationship with.

Am so sorry regarding your estranged twin, my oldest stepson has autism but not severe, however he finds it hard to show emotion?
That is why we so appreciated his efforts at Xmas.

The twin at home sounds so nice natured!

My twin brother and I have very strong bond which is lovely but we are nothing like each other in looks or personality! He is so laid back and very different to me I have to have life fairly organised. Sadly he lost his first wife last year (they been divorced 10 years) but he has 2 sons still at home over 30 but he has never sold the house!

That's bit too laid back as sadly his current partner throws him out regularly when they have row! He used come to us and is always welcome but now since his ex wife passed he goes to old home.

I just would like Him settled with stable roof over His head,
But you can't plan other people's life however much you love them.

So glad it's helping you to talk on forum Cornish sue. Xx

But you told us on the other thread that es contacts his sister sometimes. Does he not contact his twin brother? Not even to say, "Happy Birthday?" My heart hurts just thinking about it

No, he doesn't contact his twin, other than an abusive message that we all have received from time to time. He does send a message to his sister occasionally, usually when he is in trouble. But this is followed by unpleasant messages, that to be honest may not even be from him. No he has never said Happy Birthday (or Christmas) or when his nan (my mum) died a few months ago. But he does have learning difficulties and other issues so it would probably never occur to him that his twin shares his birthday (I know that sounds difficult to understand) or that anything was different to how it was when he left five years ago.

Oh goodness I cannot tell you how good it is to say all this. It's been inside for so long and there is only so much we can say to each other at home that we haven't said a thousand times before.

Right....foster kids have descended, have to go....

Thanks cornishsue interesting your estranged son being twin I have twin brother and we have very strong bond

Is it your twin's grandchildren that you spend time with and have a lovely relationship with, Celebgran?

My adult son who lives at home has always felt a close bond with his twin brother. Despite his own medical issues, my son at home, throughout schooldays and afterwards, has always felt responsible for his twin who has more severe issues. Even as a toddler if I gave the son at home a biscuit he would break it in half to give his twin. My estranged son has never reciprocated the feelings though and since he left us has only ever contacted his twin to be abusive.

As I say though there is always some positive to come out of a negative. My twin son at home has become much closer to their younger brother who also lives at home and has autism. He takes him on days out and to the cinema or to see events and shows that being autistic he be can be quite obsessive about. He is so very kind and compassionate to him, as he used to be his twin and indeed still is with his sister also.

Oh gosh y phone worse than iPad sorry cornishsue I meant it's so very sad s does estranged twin have no contact with his twin at all ? ?For you.x