Isn't this a simple logic

You seem to have a lot of time to devote to this, OP. I'm assuming you're researching the subject.

My answers to your questions would be as follows.

A mother in law wants to spend a lot of time with Son, Daughter in law and grandchildren, surely the son's family must have been a pleasure to be with;

No surely about it. She perhaps simply loves them, or one or several of them, whatever their level of delightfulness. Or perhaps she's just lonely.

However, the son and the DIL don't want the mother in law to be around 'too much', it only means that the MIL isn't a good companion, right?

Wrong. The son and the DIL could be very private people, have extremely busy lives, or they could just be a...holes. How would we know?

And what about 'quality over quantity' when we speak about visits?

Would you prefer your AC/IL visit you regularly but visit you as if clocking in and out of work. Or would you prefer they show up when they miss you and truly want to be around you?

IrishRose76, I find it interesting that one can learn to like someone who they once dislike. There are hope and positivity in those stories and I'd like to hear that. Is that ok?

And the clearing house thing is something I'm genuinely interested about. My dad has chronic illness and was hospitalised for a month two years ago. Plus the conversation with the acquaintances I really want to know how people deal with their parents' cluttered houses.

Oh bluebelle I'm not sure what exactly you're suspecting? I don't mind you asking directly. And no i'm not writing a book. I'm trying to understand more and be understood. I aint getting anything positive from my own relationship with my MIL but I still hope my own experience or thoughts would have positive effects for other grans? Like i said, for those who are not too proud or too late to mend. Mend it!

Another observation that I would really like to mention here.

There was a bit of a shock when I first read some grans speak about their 'GP's rights'. I felt huge sadness. So sad that every time I think about it I have tears in my eyes. We speak about our rights when we fight an establishment or a dictatorship. Why we have to speak about 'rights' with our own families? Why aren't we speaking about love instead?

So this is my observation.

No one likes to deal with the fear of being unwanted. So 'DIL should work out a plan on regular visits'. I have very strong feelings about the regular visits thing. I think it's crap. Why? my paternal auntie has 3 sons. She never requests 'regular visits' but the sons and ILs would 'go home' (her house, thats how they call it even they moved out) and have dinner with her and my uncle, as much as they could.

Why some moms/MILs don't have to request regular visits but 'automatically' get it? Why some have to force contact? Is it plain luck? Or are we dismissing some moms' qualities or parenting skills that we could all learn from?

Dove you have started another thread asking many questions of grans about how they handle clearing their parents and in laws houses
I am fast believing there is more to your questioning than having resolution to a problem
Please explain honestly about all these questions on both threads are you collecting answers for a reason ? Why do I get the feeling we are being played

Luckylegs, I don't know. I haven't come to a conclusion about that notion. But I wouldn't take credits from my children's brilliance.

I realise many grans mind the companion saying. Thats exactly what i want to say, isn't that about our own fear of feeling unwanted/rejected?

Exactly IrishRose what I was thinking too

You need to be honest about why you really started this thread Dove.

“I would love to learn more about stories like these, anyone got experience to share?”...........Why?

Very humble, Miss A.

I had witnessed how my own mother ruffled my Sis-in-law's feathers. And the rude comments said by my mom privately about my sis-in-law sent shivers down my spine . Ironically, my mother was once a DIL who was verbally abused badly by her MIL. And she has a daughter who is someone else's DIL. Maybe you're right. When we don't have that exact experience, it's hard to tell how we would behave.

And you're right to the self worth thing. I learnt that I was a pleaser. I tried very hard to please my MIL and she's not pleased. The frustration, sense of belittled etc came from there.

If you have a good husband Dove, I guess your mil did something right. You have made the decision not see your mil, it's such a big thing which impacts on your husband and your children. You say she is not a good companion which is reason enough for you not see her, I personally don't think that it is. Perhaps one day you might be judged wanting. I don't know your mil situation, has she got a husband and other children, is she alone or too busy for you.I have never yet met a mother who doesn't love their family despite sometimes difficult circumstances?

It will be Forever thus
The Mil/Dil dilemma

As already said your Mil/Fil are not necessarily people you would choose to have as friends Each from a different generation.
Inlaws come as part of the package when you marry your husband.

My Mil and I never hit it off
(I look after her now as she has dementia and thinks I'm the
best thing since sliced bread!).

Although I didn't visit I was very happy for my husband and children to visit and encouraged it.

What I tried to keep in mind when dealing with Inlaw difficulties was ....

I love my husband
He is my best friend and soul mate.
He is a wonderful father and now Grandfather
He was lovely son in-law to my parents.
He is loved as a brother in law by my sister and her husband

We would not have had this lovely man in our lives without my Mil and FiI!!

So if nothing else
Thank your Mother in Law for your lovely husband

Are you writing a book on relationships Dove ?

I've no idea. I've not got any in laws to be honest.
I suppose I would say that if someone is fairly secure their own sense of self worth, then they should be able to cope with another persons dislike or distaste for them.
But again, I have no in-laws, so I'm not qualified to say, really.

Hey miss A, then that's not a case of fear, that's a case of facing our own weaknesses? How you treat this pain in the arse basically shows how mentally strong you are?

Oh i also want to thank Faye for thinking about me and my post. Thank you so much for being gentle. I really appreciate it! =)

I re-read some post and I found paddyan spoke about 'learnt to like' her FIL, I would love to learn more about stories like these, anyone got experience to share?

No. If someone is a pain in the arse, they're a pain in the arse. My fears have nothing to do with their being so.

ok just double checked what I typed. There's something I want to add.

It is very convenient to think that all our misery are caused by a horrible person (the DIL, or SIL, or MIL etc). But our misery is in fact our own fears, insecurities, our sometimes unthoughtful and selfish nature...

Hey Monica, I don't recall I express a wish of you saying particular things (apart from the questions you avoid but it's ok)? Don't we all agree on being civil and polite? I am feeling that you are implying I come here with a bad intention, please tell me that I misunderstood?

I'm trying the best to be organised here. Quite often in law problems become a debate of 'who's fault'. But my experience and the stories I read and heard make me see things quite differently. Some gran mentioned 'being old' and 'lonely', Some gran mentioned 'not the end of the world'. Most grans didn't like to think that it wasn't pleasant to be around them therefore the loneliness. For some grans, having a strained relationship with in laws = not able to see GC as much as they want = end of the world.

I have been thinking, reading, discussing a lot on this. And I have realised some in law problems are not exactly in law problems, they are problems of feeling fading from AC's lives (they don't come to see me because they are afraid of their evil spouses) , emotion management (ie I feel excluded and I feel angry so let me blame my DIL/SIL), problems of being a middle age woman (ie I spent most of my life on my DC, they flew the nest, I then expected I would have a lot involvement in my GC's lives but it didn't happen, and now I have nothing to do....)

Isn't there a saying 'your greatest enemy is yourself'? We have all been on earth for a few years (maybe more than that ), don't we find that whenever we deal with hardships, tricky situations, or difficult people, we are actually deal with our weaknesses and fears?

What do people think?

Being English I was not the DIl my German MIL dreamed of and I fought against this till she died aged 98. She turned her own son against her because he was on my side.
But I always did my best to look after her needs as she got older, and made her welcome in my home, She loved my children and my DH and that had to be enough. Nevertheless I have been happier since she died and look back in regret that in that difficult time when Germany was new to me that she had not been more understanding.
I have at at least learned how not to behave to my Sils when they arrived.
Where there is trouble bwteen the generations I think it is the duty of the older generation to have the maturity to get on with the young. Some Dils are too young and inexperienced to cope with a cold and judgemental MIL.
Still we have all heard the jokes and ther is some truth in them...

Why do you want strangers with a little tiny snapshot of the situation to make judgement or offer advice when you say you have been in therapies ( plural) for the very subject Why are you not discussing it in more detail at your therapy sessions or are you just looking to a new audience to agree with you ?
This is what I don’t understand what can we offer that your therapist can’t ?

You do take the generalised statements people have made in a broad discussion about a frequently occurring topic very personally. As you say you didn't disclose any details, so posters on this thread have kept to a very general discussion on MiL/DiL relationships. I cannot find any of the attitudes you mention in your last post in this discussion.

What is it you want us to say? (oh, I have asked that question before).

I dont believe anyone has judged, or been biased.
Nobody knows your situation.
The most people have said is that people should try to get on with in laws, just for the sake of a quiet life.