Coming to terms with the death of an 'ex'

yes, my first ex died in 2011. I didn't know until when searching for him I found out he had died. It was an awful shock. He was my first love, a lovely, good-looking charmer with dancing black eyes, a compulsive gambler, with gambling fever, but also after we had split up he became a schizofrenic, in and out of mental hospitals. He had a child with a new partner, both of whom I met 30 years ago. When I realised he had died, I managed to trace this son, we met up, and I was able to put a basket of white flowers on his grave. When I think of him I remember him as the 18 year old I met, calling me by his pet name, and always laughing. I don't choose to remember the wretchid wreck that he became in his last years. Very sad. Terrible waste. There is a part of me that will always remember. RIP Edison.

I have pondered this question too though healthwise I guess I am more likely to die and he to feel guilty though I doubt he will. I do worry about our children though whichever of us goes first as they will have very mixed feelings. My son is tolerant of his father saying that he knows lots of men who behave as he did. My daughters remember the bad old days all too well and don’t want to know him. Not an easy subject to dwell on

I have a lovely friend who lived with her partner for more than 20 years. They were a devoted couple and never had children.
His first wife remained very bitter and refused to divorce him and their 2 children were very hostile towards my dear friend so her partner only ever saw them on his own.
When he died suddenly, the wife took over the funeral arrangements, banned my friend from attending and obviously inherited everything as he hadn’t got around to making a will. <silly mistake on his part>
My poor friend was left heartbroken.

I will not be going to my ex's funeral when the time comes and neither will my children. He was violent and manipulative and I was lucky to get out alive. None of us see him and have no intention of ever doing so . When he dies I will give a big sigh of relief

I was surprised my ex lived that long considering the amount of booze he consumed but I was sad for my daughter who loved him knowing all his faults and liver failure is not a pretty end for anyone.

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Any feelings I had for this person would be based on whether we had children together and how they had felt when we parted and whether he had made sure he was there for them although separated from me their mother. Should our children wish to attend their fathers funeral I would not see any reason to object. If they wanted me to go with them then I would .

My ex died in quite sad circumstances and I had to support my daughter who sat by his bed in intensive care. We had been divorced for 20 odd years and had no contact in the past few years as the children were adults and he had caused them a lot of problems. Interestingly , my daughter wouldn't let me see him in intensive care but I would have liked to. We did have shared history after all. I re met my sister in law and brother in law who I had been very fond of when we planned the funeral. It was a very moving time and I was actually very shaken and during the service when some old photos and songs were shown/played I found I started to cry. Luckily my Uncle had attended to pay his respects as it was nice for me to have some support having supported my children. My ex had no friends and was estranged from his second wife .
Anyway I think when anyone dies who has been a part of our lives there will be some sadness.

31 years ago I divorced my ex, no tears from me good riddance as far as I'm concerned my only concern would be for my dc that I have with him, that their ok. As for the funeral would I go
? No unless dc wanted me to go for support.

I was divorced after over 20 years and the last few years were very bad, getting even worse post divorce. He died in his 50s only a few years later and I was surprised that I was upset.
My children were teenagers and I went to the funeral to support them (I also did all the legal and paperwork stuff afterwards).
When my second husband died, I expected his ex to attend the funeral to support her children, but she didn't go.

What sad stories. We have created a society, where the end of a bad relationship, seems like a true end but of course, humans, being who they are, it rarely is.

I hope my ex's don't die from food poisoning I would be the prime suspect..................

A friend's second wife wouldn't invite her to his funeral. She just wanted to be there to support their children.

I have experienced of this. My first husband left me after a very short marriage. I was 18 he was 20. We should never have married but we had a baby and didn’t really have a lot of choice at the time. He messed my son around for many years ( promising visits and meet ups that never materialised) that caused him ( my son) a great deal of pain. He went on to have several other relationships, marriages and many more children too. We got a call one day to say he had died suddenly ( late 40’s) and my poor son went to pieces with grief for the father he barely knew . My feelings were sadness for the man who was too young to die, sadness for the young children he had left behind ( although this may sound bitter but they did extremely well financially due to his high ranking job at the time of death) but mostly sadness for my poor son who never got an ounce of love, a penny piece or even acknowledgment of his existence at his “fathers” funeral .

I'd be a bit sad but he means little to me now. I'd attend the funeral only as a support for our children . He chooses to have very little contact with them, but I think we would show some respect.

We had been divorced for 32 years when my ex died. We had remained friends so I was a little sad and sad for my children as he as he died a week before his 66th birthday (like his father) so still young in my eyes. I flew back to England for his funeral in support of our children really.

I too have wondered about this. Divorced 25 years ago and now have been in a wonderful relationship with my OH for the last 22 years who is my Grandchildrens only perceived Grandad figure.
But, and it's a big but, exH is my childrens and DGCs father and GF.
I have no idea how I would feel. I would attend the funeral but only if my children had requested me to and to support them. It's a tricky one.

Silverlining I wouldn’t waste any time or effort on wondering how you mght feel.
When I comes to bereavement, there is no way to prepare for it or second guess how you might react.

I certainly don't wish my ex any harm, but I know I wouldn't feel anything if anything happened to him. I would however, feel sad for my daughter.

I did about a couple of yrs ago, my children’s father died. He was not a good husband/father in our later yrs together as drink took over. After he was gone I realised we did have unresolved issues and I regret not tackling them with him but he was either in a new relationship quickly or remarried and I chose to let sleeping dogs lie. I was sad that our children had to distance themselves from him (apart from his last weeks) and he died a lonely sad man.