Am i being taken for granted or is it just me

Alimarb - I really understand how you feel as we have felt that we were being taken for granted - used for childcare but rarely contacted socially. It came to a head a couple of months ago when DD and I had a heated 'discussion' and as a result we are getting more phone calls for a chat and a catch up on what the grandchildren have been doing. We have also decided to be a little less available. I agree Jayelld, that it is really important to have an honest and open discussion and also accept that they have their busy, family lives. Enjoy the fact that it frees up time for yourself.

Agree wholeheartedly Eloethan. I’m just in the process of extracting myself from a very serious (and expensive) error of judgement in moving to Australia from the UK last August to be closer to my daughter and Grandchildren. I’ve worked hard at trying to settle here (with very limited help or support, but lots of expectations of ‘Grannie Time’/being picked up when wanted and dropped when not) and it’s been tough. Having put up with many months of really poor behaviour from my daughter (I’m not going to go into it here, it would fill a novel ...) I have decided enough is enough. I’ll be sad to leave the Grandchildren, but if I were to stay (and thereby collude with the behaviour ) I think it would be really unhealthy emotionally. My daughter, sadly, is someone I no longer feel I can trust or relate to.

I'm sorry so many of you are having this problem, but the thread has given me some comfort that it's not just me.

I was asked three days last week "will you please pop to pick M....from school" - only50 miles round trip. No birthday card yesterday!!!

I’m aftaid I agree with you and would feel the same. I notice that it’s quite widespread that children feel they can visit or phone whenever , but they don’t like it when you do the same . When they get older they will realise what they have been taking for granted. I feel although it might be hard and expect some flak in the beginning , that some equality should be restored, didn’t our generation do a lot of the fighting for equality for goodness sake!!, I feel you should be unavailable the next time you are expected to drop everything . Yes things will get worse before they get better but if so , then it will allow you to put your side of the story. After spending some time on Mumsnet I can’t begin to say how disappointed I am from what I’ve read. Left feeling it’s all about me me me. And the AIBU just leaves me in despair. I thought this generation would be independent free thinking women but they seem to need to seek permission from their peers for everything. How did we and our mothers ever manage without social media !! And all mod cons available now . They want their cake and eat it and then some or so it seems. I would be mortified if one of my posts appeared on the Sun online as one did last week. The replies to OP were just so unkind about the mother they were talking about and I really felt for the poor mother they were talking about. Oh well !!

I think this is all part of being a grandparent. I'm sure my own parents probably felt I treated them this way when my children were young. Maybe both parents are working, then getting home to their children who need food, bath and bed, followed by cooking a meal for themselves, often not relaxing til after 9pm. I'm more than happy to be called on when needed. Send a quick text- it's not their job to always ring you.

Well, if it makes you feel any better I could have written your post. I don't think there is anything the matter it is just how things are with some families now. What with distance and the fact that they are so busy. It's not a case of ignoring deliberately it's just they don't think. Whenever I start to think they never contact me except when they need anything I get a call or a text and a couple of minutes in - yep - they want something.
The only thing you can do is to keep busy with your own life so that you are not on permanent alert for any contact.

I think the best way forward, is to make sure you have a full life-and when you speak to them, broadcast the fact! They may just assume that they have you on tap when they want...and yes, that does amount to being taken for granted. As much as you love being with your grandchildren, I’d not be quite as available. It won’t hurt to say no once in a while.

I'm with eloethan on this one..... My son is not married ..lives alone , texts me often usually with clips from you tube he thinks might interest me. He's not high-powered...got a 'normal' job not very well paid... but doesn't seem to mind. I invite him for Sunday lunch about once a month , sometimes he can come over , sometimes working, or heaven forbid seeing friends ( he has lots) for lunch. Whatever the answer I shrug my shoulders and get on with MY life!! My daughter never calls unless she wants one or both of the kids looking after... Picking up from....taking to school. I dot his regularly three times a week and cook thier teas.... then I get two buses home, which takes me 1.5 hours! She is totally oblivious to what help I give her.... I don't believe she's ungrateful , just oblivious !! She is a child psychologist and works in various schools with quite difficult stressed out children. She looks totally exhausted most of the time.... so I'm glad to do it .... I just say this to stress he difference between my two kids. All of them wether reared the same or not are different. My daughter takes after my totally lazy husbands side of family.... and my son takes after my over-energetic ... no time to waste family!! Nothing is too much trouble for him to sort out for me ( technology usually) ... but my daughter takes very iota she's given, like she's desperate . Genetics is a strange thing!!

Well that is life. You have to decide what you are willing to accept and so and stick to it.
I am a grandpa as well and I get a lot of requests some are not reasonable at all and I just have to be honest and say no
It is a bit of juggling game unfortunately and I think my grown-up children see life totally differently that I do that is for sure .
Go with the flow and do what you are happy doing and accept that life is like that for most grandparents.
Welcome to the Club
Joseph
Child Psychotherapist

But I do add this....you REALLY do have to say no occasionally ... It concentrates the minds of the 'takers' in this world.

I am not needed to babysit anymore Grandchildren are teenagers, but I dont very often "speak" to my Daughter, she texts whenever she wants something, has something to tell me, she doesnt like chatting on the phone, maybe as her job entails talking a lot during the day.
My Son and I SKYPE most evenings, he is a single parent and I think our chats cheer him up, I hope so.
I dont really have any complaints.

To be honest I envy you. I only have one d who has made it quite clear she will never have children. I know this is her decision but as all my friends become grandparents I find it really painful . Be grateful they trust you enough to look after their kids.

"I think the best way forward, is to make sure you have a full life-and when you speak to them, broadcast the fact!"

I totally agree with you on that SussexGirl60 and we do have an active life but the funny thing is that seems to cause resentment. We were taken to task recently because we won't leave our dogs for more than 4 hours so our visits are too brief.

I was fortunate to be a sahm and could work from home until the children went to school. Now over 70% of mums of young families work. There was an interesting article by Libby Purves today in the Times. So most families are struggling with childcare. I'm watching my high achiever daughter struggle at the moment as one child has suddenly had to be off school for five weeks and her husband says he can't take time off. Nor can she. But they know we can't help as they are abroad and have medical commitments ourselves so they are managing somehow. We used to be able to give an enormous amount of help.
I do think that some young AC still see their parents as providers while some have managed to transition to seeing their parents as equals in that they appreciate what is being done for them as they would appreciate what a friend would do.

I have just one DGD who we practically brought up as her Mum was/is a single parent. Did the school runs, kept DGD till her Mum picked her up, used to make meal for her Mum too before they went home. I loved it. So did her step-Grampa.
She's at uni now, phones several times a week, mostly short chats but that's nice. I'll see plenty of her when she comes home to her Mum this week.
Maybe if I had half a dozen GCs and kids who were always too busy, I would feel used though.

To take the "As long as they are happy, I don't mind" approach seems to me to be in danger of reinforcing the "me, me, me" frame of mind. In my view, accepting selfish and insensitive behaviour will reinforce it and can create a sense of entitlement and a lack of respect for other people's feelings

Sorry to copy and paste a big chunck, but well said Eloethan.

I have friends who give, give, give to their children, both their time and their money and I have to say their children are selfish, uncaring brats. They really are thick-skinned. Yes, they are grown up and with their own children but they only see their parents when they want something. OH and I have broached this with them, but it seems as though they almost have to buy their AC's time and attention, otherwise they'd be of no use. They pay out for so much.

We have found ourselves tied into a routine of AC's making for weekend care for GD. The last three Saturdays they have assumed we will have her all day so they can do their own thing with friends. It's as though they are doing us a favour. This Saturday and Sunday we are 'busy' because we did feel we were being taken for granted, much as we love our toddler GD.

Our AC are busy and we text regularly and I do try to arrange (and host) family get-togethers every six weeks or so, but getting them all together at the same time is hard.

We have reached the conclusion that much as we love them, our time is precious too. If they are busy that's fine, but we intend to plan lots so we can genuinely say that we are not available. I remember as a young working Mum checking on my own Mum regularly. We'd pop in to see her often and arrange days out together. She didn't drive so I'd take her shopping or to hospital appts, etc, and for a cup f tea and a chat. Sometimes it was a duty call, but for the most part she was my Mum and she delighted in seeing her Grandchildren and they in seeing her. She'd often get two buses over to my house and come in and clean the kitchen so she could reciprocate, even though she was old. To come home from work to her singing in the kitchen and sweeping the floor was always a lovely surprise.
That 'duty' of mutual love and care for each other seems to have vanished. It seems the older generation has become a bank and a child-minding convenience and little else for their AC. It's very sad. I hear this tale so often.

Before I read this thread yesterday I said to DH 'I don't think our DD likes me'. I agree with you Day6

I have two children. Daughter, sil and gc live fairly close. Son and girlfriend currently overseas though returning to mine in the summer until they can get jobs and a place of their own. Daughter in touch usually several times a day by email. Son in touch once in a blue moon. Am used and loved by them both in equal measure. Always took the attitude that they were mine temporarily until they grew up. Encouraged them to speak their minds, which they do! They were both still living at home when their dad (my husband) died over 10 years ago. We all supported each other at a really difficult time in our lives. They made sure between them that I was never left on my own in the early days, and I think that time binded us together in a way that nothing else could. I do what I can to make life easier for them, and in return I get love and help from them too. Doesn't mean that we don't have cross words on occasions though!!! - That's family life!

Yes you are taken for granted as you are 'mum'. Stable, secure. unconditionally loving mother. In the world of new parents today it is frantic. They are bussy, busy, busy and very tired. They have to work, they have to try and do their best for their children and partners and managers. Somewhere they have to find space for themselves. I book the entire family in for a get together 3 months in the future. I cook Sunday lunch or we go out. I'm afraid requsts for babysitting etc are on their tick list along with evrything else including all demands from school and rest of family. My generation stayed at home with children and so did our friends and relatives. The pressure now on young parents is absolutley horrendous.

We all need a balance don’t we ? We help them, they help us.
If there is no balance then there is something wrong.
Saying we are going to see friends for the day to our AC (at the weekend) makes them realise that we do have lives to live.

They are bussy, busy, busy and very tired. They have to work, they have to try and do their best for their children and partners and managers. Somewhere they have to find space for themselves.

I agree this is true but it was for us too. It's not a new concept. MANY of us were working women and felt exactly the same pressures but had fewer of the benefits and less disposable income too probably. I was a working single parent and ran on exhaustion, 24/7! It was common for many women to work full time in the 70s.

However, I didn't forget the mother who brought me up and cared about me and my children. I didn't stop loving her. She was a huge part of my life - aren't all mothers - and as an adult, to cut her off because I was shattered would have been understandable maybe, but extremely unfair.

Perhaps we were just raised differently and there is a younger generation that takes more than it gives and has a more selfish 'me' perspective? We didn't concentrate solely on our children because we were raised to feel obligations to our parents - who were growing older - and wider family too. Perhaps that's an old fashioned concept, to cherish others, but it seems to have gone right out of fashion.

I suppose having no obligations is now preached as part of personal freedom?

Thanks for your input everyone, it has helped knowing I'm not alone. I do text all my children at least three times a week, I usually say something like, 'hope you have a good day '. Sometimes get a reply from daughter 1 but rarely from the others. Maybe I am too available but dont get me wrong I love,love,love looking after my grandsons, its the 'oh by the way' conversations I object to. If I pick the phone up and its daughter 2, my husband starts a countdown to how long it will take her to bring it up. My niece actually visits me and as she's about to leave asks to put some dates on the calender. I have mentioned it to her but she was horrified at the thought and insisted that it doesn't happen. Oh well I have a few things booked for May but the last time we went out for the evening they were phoning round to see where we were - we enjoyed that lol

Being busy, busy, busy and under stress (which I agree is very true for a lot of parents these days) does excuse discourteous, demanding and ungrateful behaviour. It takes no time at all to ASK if a grandparent is available and if she/he would mind picking a child up from school, having them for a sleepover, etc. etc., and afterwards to thank them for their help.

I don't mind misunderstandings and oversights occurring on a couple of occasions - they are perhaps inevitable when people are stressed and very busy - but if they were to happen on a fairly regular basis I think it is unacceptable.

correction "being busy does NOT excuse discourteous, demanding and ungrateful behaviour."