Am i being taken for granted or is it just me

My dear mum and mil both died within 6 months of each other when my ds an dd were 4 And 7. In those days we didn't go out that much which was just as well as we had no one to babysit. I have 4 gd and help out a lot, sometimes at short notice. I do find it difficult to say no. My dh is a great help and between us we make it work.

Alimarb , no you are not taken for granted,,,but it is like this now for this generation of children.... mine is lovely but she come and use me as a bank anytime I go out with her with her son for shopping and eating out . i end up paying for most things....she never have any money LOL ... but both her and her husband have been to Cambridge and Oxford and both have very good job with excellent money.... but when the bill come in a restaurant he always go out of the way ...and my daughter tell me to paid as anyway it is part of her inheritance,,,,,,and so on...she always never called me to let me know how things are and so on,.... I think she don't think to call something is wrong..... but lately I have a lot of phone call ....my grandson.,,,,go to sleep when he is driven and she get bored so she call me..... silver lining... I am sure they love you a lot and if everything is ok why bother you take care

Hi Alimarb
I have a completely different situation. I looked after my two GC for 7 years, Having a day of work every week to have them as babes whilst my D worked Myself and my husband picked them up after school and after clubs. Took them out for trips and even on holidays with and without their parents. When my daughter passed away her husband cut us off completely and then within three months of her death moved them hundreds of miles away. He has now cut off all contact with our family. My D really appreciated what we did for her but her husband took advantage of us. Its especially annoying that he took little interest in his children when my D was alive. Now we dont see them at all we are grieving not only for our D but also our GC . Please please cherish the time with your GC. They may be taking advantage of you but life can change in an instant. Our loss is devastating.

Nfkdumpling I agree about WhatsApp. My children and I chat almost every day and exchange photos, videos etc and it's great being included in their chat.

Oh Debohun, I am so sorry to hear that. It's tragic for you and your husband, but also for your grandchildren.

Oh dear Debohun, how do you cope ? Tragic in all ways. There are such cruel people in this world....your GC's father being one. This is my recurring nightmare especially with one dil ....God forbid something happens e.g. divorce , I doubt I will see my gc....as it stands I don't see them much now anyway. All the best xx

Debohun -so sorry to hear about this. Is it his way of coping with the grief of losing his wife because you are a reminder of her whenever he sees you. Did he make the move thinking it would help him forget? People dont always act as you would expect - When my husband died at age 40, my children were at primary school and I expected his parents to become more involved with the children because they were all they had left of him, and there were no other gc's. Wrong - they almost ignored us. We had no emotional support, and they showed no interest in the children. They didnt phone, visit or invite us over or send presents. My daughters recently told me that they thought they had done something wrong because their grandparents didnt love them. It really hurt me that my children had suffered emotionally like that. I hope your son in law will eventually realise that his children need you. Please continue to write letters and send cards to the kids to let them know you still love them. If you think he wont pass them on then send them to their school address or a friends address.

I started to write something but then realised sandelf had said exactly what I was going to and saved me the trouble! Independent and happy is what I always wanted for mine and by and large that is what has happened.

My MIL just adored my DH and she always used to say that as long as he was happy, she could put up with not seeing him without complaint. His happiness was certainly worth more to her than her own. I used to wonder how she could say that but now I understand because I feel the same way about my children...most of the time. I look after my DGS 2 days a week and I do get slightly upset when his parents don't come straight home without letting me know. In the past when I have said I can't have him my son would say, "Oh, I thought you would love to have him." That made me feel guilty that I had said 'no,' especially as my mother would go on about how I should drop everything to have him.

It amuses me when folk excuse their children's neglectful behaviour by saying they are probably too busy, working full time and/or brining up a family.

I always worked either outside the home or as a childminder in the home. I never drove then so had to get the bus whenever I went out. Not everyone had phones so it was pot luck a lot of the time if you were visiting anyone. Yet, we always had time to visit our mum's weekly/fortnightly at the most. Both our parents were single mum's, so we made sure they were invited to holiday with us, taken out for lunch on Mothering Sunday, shared public holidays. We sometimes had both mum's at once and invited them quite regularly for Sunday lunch or we would go to there's. Our extended family was very important to us, but if it was not for me instigating visits to my two daughters on a weekly basis, I don't know how often I would see/hear from them. I just put it down to a generational thing, or I would be constantly wondering if I had been a bad mother like others have voiced. If I mention anything about them not contacting me, they will say things like, we know you are ok because we saw you posting/liking something on FB!

Yes magic I'm with you, no matter how busy our children are, with today's technology, it only takes seconds, to text, or send an email, you can make up excuses forever, but there really aren't any.

Lucky you being asked, so many cut off from their families would give there eye teeth to be asked, you get phone calls from your children and niece, you ve just spent a weekend away with one daughter you sound blessed to me
It s entirely up to you if you want to be freely available or sometimes unable to help maybe you haven’t got other things in your life, so again it’s your choice whether to build up your own entertainment or whether to just be Nan
One last thing as soon as the children reach double figures they won’t need you at all so be prepared, if your whole life is babysitting, you will have a big drop in their need of you (and it comes along very quickly)

Debohun what a sad tale I truly feel for you ?

Oh! that's last time in input and in fact will be leaving Gransnet. Didn't realise my response would be judged and critiqued. Thought I was joining in response to a Gransnetter not starting a debate.

What have you taken exception to palliser I ve read back and can’t see anything said against you at your post I m puzzled ?

That should say ‘ or your post ‘ not at

palliser65, most threads end up being a debate because we all have different opinions. I didn't read your response as being judged, I just saw other people with a different way of thinking to you. They can't help it if they are wrong.

Yes I've just scrolled back and can't see a problem Palliser. Don't leave, we all have different opinions, experience etc. Good to share.
I would say I would always jump at any chance to see family. In fact with friends, when making arrangements, we all (those with GC) know that family requests trump everything!
Must though have started to put RSVP on texts to DD2 and older DGD! Lol! Still no replies yet though. . .

Oh dear, this is me in reverse not staying in touch unless something comes up. I am a bad mother but I am just so busy.
I will text them all now instead of spending my time on Gransnet!

Hard isn`t it, you feel like you are on constant call. I just say sorry I`m busy with friends that day, but could do next week.

We have three adult offspring ,all independent and living a distance away.We all keep in touch no-one takes anyone for granted,but they have very busy lives,My thoughts. are with the next stage.If either me or DH get to the time when we need help,I don't feel it would be fair to burden the children with it.I'm really not sure what the answer is,but I have never been a great believer in old age unless it turns out to be pain free wealthy,and all remembering.Sadly this is probably not the future .I feel I have had my time,and now its the children's time..Quality not quantity.

*debohun's post puts it all into perspective

It's sad but it seems to be the norm ! I have a son and DiL and three year old lassie they live four miles down the road and the only time we see if hear from them is when they want something ! I try not to get too upset it doesn't do any good and it only makes me unhappy ! I am beginning to say no on occasions and take control , it seems to help a little ?

IMO ..Whatsapp has become the "Normal" method of communication now that people have SmartPhones...I find nothing wrong with that....At least it means that the "communication door" is open to busy busy people. I find that a message by WA is often followed by a quick phone call between daughter and us. IMO we should welcome the electronic age which can expand our lives for the better.

Debohun I'm so sorry for your loss. I will endeavour to look at things a little differently ?