Poor relationship with mil

Reported.
If we need spells or curses in any case, our own Phoenix is second to none!

Here’s an update from last week. We went to visit the PIL and when my child was staring at me while being held by my BIL, both my PIL again referred to me as a cow. How fun!

So this further solidifies the no babysitting and no daycare stance. I could care less about visiting them so hopefully we will be able to make ourselves scarce.

Was your husband there when you were insulted Sj? You say that hopefully you'll be able to make yourselves scarce, is this what your husband wants too?

I noticed that you referred to "my child" and not for the first time when you've posted rather than our child. You've posted that your child was staring at you while being held by your BIL; a strange choice of wording; why staring and not simply looking?

Was this a - very childish - reference to your breast feeding Sj? If so, I hope you let them know what an utterly nasty remark it was. Surely it couldn’t have been anything else...could it?

Is it possible you are looking for reasons to keep the baby away? You obviously don’t like these people anyway. If you are, you will always find them.

Whatever those reasons, please be careful regarding your relationship with your husband. This is how it all starts. And no ones a winner. At this stage communication and complete honesty between all concerned is the best way forward.

@smileless2012. Yes my husband was there. And no he did not say anything. I didn’t say much other than it was time to leave because f&$k them both. No one laughed at their stupid joke.

I referred to the child as mine because that is what fit grammatically when constructing the sense.

As for the word staring; I used it because that is what was being said yesterday before the cow comment - “look at him staring at his mom”

Husband doesn’t seem to think this was malicious. We will continue to visit as a family maybe twice a month. But the past three weeks I had invited mil out maybe once a week to different things with baby and I - that is no longer an option for now

@irishrose. They were referring to me being a cow in reference to me feeding my child.

@irishrose. They were referring to me being a cow in reference to me feeding my child.

Is it possible that they think that was part of a friendly joking relationship? My guess is the happier interpretation that your husband is correct in thinking that this was intended as to be friendly and light -hearted. May be these inlaws use jokes to cover up their insecurities.

There are people who find breast feeding to be embarassing or impolite. I doubt if this is the case with your in laws as then they would not have referred to breast milk at all in your presence. They were being light hearted and had no intention to hurt or alarm.

Whatever any of the grans here have said I am sure that every one of the grans approve of your breast feeding and wish that every mother was able to do it.

Sj0102...I will have you as my d.i.l. anyway. You visit your m.i.l., you involve in your outings with the baby etc. She is lucky. I have a dil who literally hates me and passes snide remarks at every turn and corner. She never visits. She is ungrateful (so is my son). I have been extremely generous with them financially.
On the 17th is their bdays (yes, coincidentally, son and dil share the sans bday). So I texted her to say I have cards for them. She replied that she will pop in to collect the cards on her way to pick the baby up from nursery. She knows that there will be cheques in the cards. She is hinting that she won't have time for a coffee. Yet, I can't do anything about it ....I can't penalise by not giving them money because I give the others. I am very fair. But this dil hurts me no end.
Anyway Sj from what I can see, you doing your "duties" to the inlaws. I don't think the 'cow' statement was malicious...just a joke perhaps.
My son is very loyal to his wife (that's how it should be)...so I don't tell him anything

anyday

Hi Sj, the 'cow' thing really is unacceptable and who on earth would find it funny to refer to a BF mother as such? I don't blame you at all for restricting contact with them, but for the times that you do see them, you need to be prepared. I've learned, over the 3 decades with my inlaws, that humour is a great tool to use. For instance, the next time they refer to you as a cow, laugh and say "I think you've 'milked' that joke enough now don't you? Or should I refer to you as a farm animal too? Would you prefer to be a pig or a goat? Here you are nanny 'goat', would you like to hold the baby?" If you are smiling and laughing it's very disarming for passive aggressive types.

Whether or not the cow joke was unacceptable depends upon SjO102.

Sometimes people make odd accusations thinking that they are being funny and friendly. This has happened to me several times and I find it slightly irritating . The last time it happened to me was last week in Sainsbury's. My shopping list was in the trolley , and I stopped between the aisles and leaned across my trolley to check my list. An old man in a flat cap, a complete stranger , approached me and said to me "don't fall asleep here".

Agree wholeheartedly with other comments im afraid-your MIL does seem a little bit pushy but maybe 'insisting' about you attending event is her way to get to see more of the son &GC she obviously isnt 'allowed' to?and yes a child who'se full wont take more than it wants.(its possible in 'her day' kids had to 'clean their plates'?)im a youngish gran at 54,but my late mum,and my ex MIL both were from that generation,and children all had to 'eat up'-i try be more flexible,and indeed my own youngest child is 15,and hes the fussiest eater ever! So maybe shes just acting on how she was brought up?My ex MIL also had her own suggestions and has been 'over fussy'over my youngest as hes her only GC,but over the yrs ive been more tolerating and we now are more 'civilised' with each other,if not overly friendly,but of course you can have whomever you choose to for childcare,but surely a visit or outing with childs gran could be encouraged?also,bear in mind one day your child too will be old enough,like mine,to want/have a relationship with grandparents,and he/she will question why they dont already?ive kept open these lines,by visits to the ex in-laws,despite an accrimonious divorce from their son,so surely you can try too,as youre actually with your DH?You both do sound a bit unfeeling,if youre constantly 'shaking her off'& blocking her visits etc.id be most upset if this happened to me by my own adult children & their other halves.Take some of her advice with a pinch of salt,but dont just try cut her out completetly,if only for your husband&childs sake!

It is indeed a difficult situation. My MiL really didn't want to have anything to do with my children (her choice and still doesn't) as she was so obsessed with her daughter's children. This hurt a lot. I tried everything to bring her in to the family as I think the role of grandparents is very important and even more so as my parents died when my children were quite young. It's difficult enough being a new mum and trying to introduce boundaries, especially with grandparents. Perhaps communication is the thing. I'm sure she means well but needs to know what the boundaries are and not to step over them.

I agree breastfeeding should be suported-but how old is your child now?is he/she past the age where its mostly 'accepted' to have been weaned off the breast?In which case,maybe the 'cow' referance was their way of saying theyre uncomfortable with you still doing this in their presence then?maybe you can feed in another room in private?or feed child before&after your visits?I think maybe also that reason your hubby doesnt say anything to them is because he doesnt feel the same way you do,but wont tell you this outright?.you may end up stirring up more trouble than its worth just to prove a point,and if it all backfires you may be the one on the outside,with your principles to keep you company! If,however,hes always 'had trouble' with his own family and dislikes them as much as you seem to,then itl probably be ok on that score,but like i said,when your child is older, what then?itl be too late to repair the relationships maybe?

Did PP really suggest that a breastfeeding mother in her own house should change her routine or go somewhere else to stop her IL’s making rude comments because they might be uncomfortable. How dare you!

Nope. Your house, your baby, your rules, your choice

If she can’t accept and respect that then she misses out.

I’m so sick of MIL’s telling their DIL to compromise and try harder when all they do is pick and snipe and judge.

It’s not about being equal. If people don’t treat me with consideration and respect then they don’t get to see my children. End of.

The OP sounds like she has been very accommodating and is at the end of her tether and I don’t blame her at all.

Based on the responses from the MIL’s on this site I’m not surprised so many are estranged from their children...

Before making such a heartless remark Ihonestlydontcare, you should take a look at the estrangement threads.

"If people don't treat me with consideration and respect then they don't get to see my children. End of." It isn't all about you and while I agree that consideration and respect are important, neither are justification for cutting out some members of a child's family especially their GP's.

I have read them. I stand by my statement.

It comes down to trust. If I don’t trust someone then they don’t spend time with my children, not to punish anyone but to protect my children

If grandparents can’t respect and abide by simple requests like feeding then they st on earth would they get an opportunity to do anything more complicated

I can tell people here are in pain but based on what they post I think their pain in clouding judgement. Surely if they were so devoted to being part of their grand children’s lives they wouldn’t do anything to risk those relationships?

Instead they pick and complain and interfere and then ignore when they are told to stop... then claim ignorance when things go badly.

You are not owed or entitled to anything from your grandchildren.

It’s not in children’s best interest to have relationships with people that undermine and disrespect their parents

If their parents don’t trust you then it’s up to you to change that... not the other way around

Instead of playing hard done by think long and hard about what has brought you to this point...

@Nannan2, are you serious? I don't even know where to start with your post!

It's absolutely no one's business what age a mother breastfeeds her child to. If anyone is so uncomfortable with being in the presence of a breastfeeding mother, to the point of making derogatory remarks, then they can resume visiting the child once he/she is weaned. If this is the case here, as you suggest, then the IL's behaviour is unacceptable!

Further, did you seriously just suggest that the OP, by continuing to breastfeed, might be "stirring up more trouble than it's worth" and that she "may be the one on the outside, with your principals to keep you company!"? I don't even know what to say to this! What is it that the OP will find herself on the outside of? She is the child's mother and will never be on the outside of anything. Others though, may not be so lucky.

Your last post explains your GN name choice Ihonestlydontcare. I hope being cut out never happens to you, but take it from me if it ever does, you'll care very much.

Smileless

If I didn't trust someone I would not be allowing my children to be alone with that person.

If I didn't get respect (and by that I mean "basic human decency") from an individual I wouldn't be allowing my children around that person PERIOD. I don't want my children to learn that it's okay for Granddad to ridicule Mom's appearance, try to destroy Mom and Dad's marriage, and tell Dad that "he should have done better". In other words, I don't want my children to learn that emotional abuse is acceptable. I don't think it's unreasonable to deny my children a relationship with someone who thinks those things are acceptable, even if he is their grandfather.

I am entitled not to be abused. So are my children.

I draw a distinction between "not getting along" vs. "active disrespect". It wasn't this MIL's place to criticize how long OP is breastfeeding her children. It's also not her place to say "you need to accommodate me by moving to another room in your own home to breastfeed your child". If MIL doesn't like it she is free to leave. I consider that active disrespect. "Not getting along" would be, "MIL is losing her short-term memory and tells me the same stories over and over again and I find it annoying". If my MIL complained about how long I was breastfeeding my kids (not that I think she would), I would be telling her that: a) they are my children; b) they are healthy; and c) the worldwide average age for weaning is 4 years. If she persisted, I would be telling her the visit was over and she needed to leave OR we would be leaving.

agnurse your posts are so dramatic aren't they; "basic human decency", "try(ing) to destroy Mom and Dad's marriage", "abuse".

I too draw a line between 'not getting along' and 'active disrespect' however, my post was in reference to a lack of consideration and respect, that these don't justify cutting out parents/ p's.i.l..

OP, I honestly think you need to take a step back and look at your own behaviour as well. You seem quite uptight and very inflexible. I understand having a baby is a stressful time (I have a 9 month old) and you want to assert yourself as a new mom, but you seem very controlling.

Your baby isn't EBF if you are supplementing (not critiscing, I had to do so myself) and yes, your MIL should have stopped when you asked her to, but who stops feeding a hungry baby? My own mother hates breastfeeding, but I learnt to roll my eyes at her comments and change the conversation. Same goes for guilt trips, say sorry, no can do and change conversation.

Are you sure the 'cow' comments aren't meant as joke. DP called me a cow or 'the human cow' when I was breastfeeding, it was meant in a jokey way.

It is absolutely not okay for you to say that she is not allowed access without you present. That is your DHs baby as well. You cannot stop him taking the baby anywhere. That is extremely controlling behaviour. Have you always been this way or is it just since the birth? If since the birth then I suggest you talk to a medial proffesional as that would suggest post-natal anxiety.

Honestly OP, and I say this as someone who has had issues with their own mother since having a baby, you need to chill out. You cannot control everything in your child's life. And if you are this worked up about a woman you see once a week not doing as you want, how on earth are you going to deal with a tantrumming toddler, or a teenager with their own opinions?

Also, just bare this in mind. My mother is quite a controlling woman and hated her MIL and had very much the same approach as you. She wasn't welcome unless my father was around and she could never do anything right, along with the rest of my fathers family. My father chose to side with my mother, for an easy life. As an adult, myself and my siblings resent my mother for out poor relationships with our fathers family growing up as she did everything she could to push them out in favour of her family.

You may dislike your MIL but that doesn't mean your son will. You need to work on the relationship as much as she does, for the sake of your son.

Excellent post Newmom. I hope the OP takes notice of your wise words.

It is wise and reasonable to have boundaries with parents, and I wish more parents made this easier on their ACs.

As GP the job is to be one of support and help...
not controlling, not mocking, not taking over, not being a wedge between their child and their spouse or between the baby and its parents, but willingness to learn a new way to do things so your child and their spouse can have a safe and supportive well to draw from. Being a new parent is so very stressful just on its own...why would anyone want to add to that in any way?

I know that what worked for me was good and positive, but my dil isn't me...and that time is not frozen to when I was a young mother...I am going to have to learn how to do the new car seats, and strollers and everything, but that's ok! I didn't breast feed, because I felt great pressure to fit into what my own mother was comfortable with, but I refuse to do that to my girls (by birth or by marriage). They get to do what they feel is best and my job is to cheer them on, and hold any advice until asked. (and absolutely calling them "cow" is OUT! How passive aggressive and disrespectful) Relationships are not owed to anyone. If we want to have a relationship with our GC, we should treat it as if it were treasure we seek and be careful and purposed in our dealings with others so they want to let us in, feel safe with us, know we have their back, etc.

Boundaries are healthy. They are beneficial. They help us see where we stop and another autonomous person begins. They are the foundation for respect that relationships need to thrive and be a rich resource of blessings for all family members.

I second that, Smileless, practicality and experience- based opinion from Newmom.