Its more real now

Florsdora9, I have also opted for the direct cremation with no service. I asked for the funeral plan booklet together with the Life Book, but found that this option is not catered for. I received my Life Book but discovered that all their suggestions were already covered in the printed sheet that I have left in strategic places, so have not used it.

I have also received the Life Book, and find there is less space in there than I expected, but it will provide a place to start and let the children know where to find important stuff, in the event, as they are both reluctant to “have the conversation”!

Received the LifeBook today. Thanks Applegran xx

Yesterday going out to lunch with DD and DSIL I gave them an envelope with my wishes for my funeral .We all had a good laugh about it and it is now out of the way . It does not bother me as I will be oblivious to it all . I opted for a direct funeral so no service at all .

My ex died in January - he had been ill for some time, looked after by his second wife. It was a blessing really.
Our children had kept contact with him and all went to the funeral. Even my step daughter ( daughter of my dear husband now.)
They sent me some photos, and it was lovely to see them together again after all these years. We had custody of them all from a young age.
I almost wished I had been there!
His widow inherits everything, she deserves it.

Sunami2 I am so sorry you and your husband are having to face his life threatening ill health. So hard for you both, and so important that you can be there for him. I see why you sometimes feel in a fog. In my own experience, I found it harder to ask for help when I most needed it - so I hope you will ask friends and any professional advisors (medical , legal, home care, whatever is relevant) for the support you need. Even just ask a friend if you can talk about how it all feels - or maybe find a counsellor for one or both of you. Gransnetters can be a great support too.

That's such a helpful sign post ... I'm trying to navigate issues as my husband enters his second year of life threatening ill health
In a fog at mo as have had a gruelling day ...
God Bless Gransnetters xX

I'm 59 and my husband is 60... a long way off from dying, I hope....but working in the care sector for the last 22 years has taught me that illness and disability can happen when you least expect it - and at any age.

I couldn't stand the thought of my sons having to make funeral arrangements and so we decided, about 10 years ago, to sign up for leaving our bodies to medical science instead. That way, there's no coffin, undertaker, flowers, crematorium, etc., etc., to sort out. As complete non-believers, we wouldn't agree with prayers, hymns, and a vicar conducting a service. I hate the thought, too, that funerals are so expensive, and that so many beautiful floral arrangements are bought then left at the crematorium/grave.

My dad signed up for this same thing, and it worked out so well. There was a small service at the hospital chapel (for my dad's friends and siblings who wanted that).

Interesting thread.
Can I add that on various policies I have named my daughter to speak on my/our behalf when necessary.
For example if both DH and I had the misfortune to be involved in an accident in our own vehicle, our daughter as named person can speak to the the car insurance company on our behalf.

I lost my mum 3 months ago, she always refused to talk about funerals etc but she made sure we knew where she kept her documents and we didn't have any problems. She didn't have much bless her but there was enough for a lovely service. We muddled through with the music and sent her on her way on the sidecar of a Harley, she would have loved it.

Thank you Applegran. I have ordered a copy. I have started the task of decluttering by getting rid of old cutlery and dishes and using my fancy ones on a daily basis instead. Also, I wear all those clothes that I have been keeping “for best”The best time is now!
My next task is to buy a funeral plan. ? I find the idea of putting my affairs in order to be quite cathartic. I am not planning on shuffling off just yet though.

I live in a retirement flat and have no close relatives , so earlier this year I planned my own funeral down to the last detail ,registered it with my choice of undertaker , and paid for it also purchased a plot in the local cemetery , where my husband is buried and left with my executor a list of who is to be informed along with contact details , what is to happen to the contents of my flat and my cat ( if still around ) so I feel that I do not have to worry about what will happen.

Thank you Applegran.

Leaflet now ordered and on it's way.

Funeral with Coop organised and paid for. Will made and in my filing cabinet. DS knows where it is. Now to start decluttering. My mother lived till 99, and my father till 91, so I'm probably here for the long haul. Presently 72 and have become an artist, selling paintings and greetings cards. Praying for a healthy old age (already have osteoarthritis of both knees and fingers x'd no strokes, or dementia. Will not want resusitation with tubes poking out of every orifice!!

My mother was very organised and left all necessary paperwork in a briefcase, having told us where it all was. She did this well before developing dementia, thank goodness - so everything was there when it became necessary to invoke our power of attorney, which she'd also had the foresight to set up well before it was needed.

Another thing she left in the briefcase was a letter to us all, to be opened after she was gone. Given that she'd had dementia for a long time before she died, it was lovely to have that - it was like having our 'old' mother back again, rather than the very poor old thing she'd become.

Must say I've often thought that Dh and I should do the same re paperwork sooner rather than later, in case we both died in an accident. Dds are down as executors and it's going to be enough of a hassle for them anyway one day, though we've done quite a bit of decluttering over the past few years.

Cabbie21

This is why it's very important for everyone to have a will and discuss last wishes. My husband knows what my wishes are, for example.

Excellent thread.

A further point to consider is what happens if you are suddenly incapacitated eg by a stroke or car crash. That can be very difficult for relatives to deal with, as far as bills and so on are concerned. At that point a joint account for bills is ideal, but Power of Attorney is something we all ought to set up to make life easier for those we love, in readiness.

I’ve done a funeral thoughts. I don’t care what my family do with my body as long as it doesn’t cost the earth as I won’t see it. I would like to be cremated. Paintings etc are marked on the back if they are valuable, so they don’t dump them. I have the usual finance files in order. I have labelled my family’s jewellery e.g. Grandma Winnie’s wedding ring.
I have compiled question and answer list of my life for my Grandson.
I also hope to make some decorated envelopes to put a message inside for my special family and friends.
I have already lost my two elder sisters at 60 & 62. So I’m not wasting a minute of my life at the moment. I have even retired early to do this.

Thanks Applegran for the reminder. I ordered one last time it was mentioned. I will now go and fill it in!.....

Thank you all for this post! I realize now that there are further steps I ought to take.

DH and I have discussed our funerals and made wills, but I can quite see that a list of our utilities providers, insurance etc, will be helpful.

We try not to clutter too much, having recently moved and de-cluttered then. But I have stacks of photos to go through!

Hope there is plenty of room for crossings out on the booklet. We are encouraged to shop around and switch energy suppliers and insurance every year now aren't we. Not to mention changing passwords (ok, it's mainly because I have to reset mine because I forget what they are!)

Just want to add my thanks to you, applegran. Will certainly be looking at Age UK for their life plan guide. I know some friends who found it helpful but it had gone out of my mind!

I have had to deal with Mil & BiL's funerals, luckily they were in Nursing Homes so very straightforward. When DH died fortunately I had already transferred all the utility bills into my name when we moved & whilst DH was in the Nursing Home I got him to transfer our car into my name (I'd always dealt with the insurance as I was a Civil Servant so could get a good discount).

My DD knows where all my papers are filed & where my Will is although I need to leave a letter with my Will (to be updated periodically). I want to leave my DD with as little as possible to have to worry about. She will have enough trying to sort out my collections (which she will sell) & the accumulated junk treasured possessions.

DM is also very organised, she started planning her 90th Birthday (2019) when she was 88. She has left me a letter to be opened on her death & also one with her neighbour as I live 300 miles away. Being practical about the future runs in our family but I do agree as you get older the realisation that we need to try to "cover all bases" becomes a necessity.

Thanks for this thought provoking post.

Yes, at 67 I think about death. I was told about the Age UK Life Book by a friend and have filled it in. What a good idea that is.

I also got some booklets about what to do when someone dies and put them where my children will find them.

I wrote letters for my daughters too.

Thanks Applegran. It is always best to be prepared. I know when my Mum passed I had a difficult job finding out who my Mum's electricity and gas was with as she threw out all old bills as soon as she paid them. I will do anything to make life easier for my dc when I go. Anything but the Swedish death clean as I am a bit of a hoarder of clothes that I can't quite fit into anymore. Seriously though my dh and I have gradually started to de-clutter and pass on items we think any of the dc might like to them now. I will be clicking for the life book and passing on tip to my sisters too.

Do what my Mum did and thousands before her i am sure, in fact I am doing it...get rid of the clutter, make sure whatever you don't want people to see when your gone is destroyed. Tell everyone where the policies and the bank books and other important information is kept, in my case a big folder with everything in it listed on the front. Makes sure your will is in there and the name of the undertaker and if you have a Co-operative funeral arrangement the number they must quote.

If children will be shocked and upset to find us in our own home, which I hope is where I will die, then prepare them as my Mum did with me that that might be a possibility.

The important thing is that if you start talking about your demise now, and not in a heavy manner, just the odd mention of where everything is kept. The fact that they won't have any clutter to deal with, it places the reality and inevitability of your demise a little further to the front of their minds. That way you are helping them when the day comes.

Also ask yourself how did you cope with your parents death. We all cope, we all carry on. We will be thought about hopefully with love, and they will laugh at some of the things we did or said. They will cry sometimes when they think about us...I hope. But there lives, like ours in the same circumstance will go on.

May I tell you a story about fear of death. My Mother aged 88 was rushed into hospital after an unexpected collapse at my home.

The Ambulance was able to go straight into A&E no one waiting, it was a very quite slot in their day. They took Mum one way into the treatment area, I went the other way to the window to give her name etc which took about three minutes tops.

By the time I got round the corner to the heavy rubber doors to the treatment room she was in the sister was coming out shaking her head and looking sad, "what" said I. I am sorry she say. "No that can't be right, are you saying she dead ", theres nothing we can do says the Sister, again, I say 'are you saying she is dead" she is a perfectly healthy woman and mentally alert and lives a very active life, this can't be right.

She looked at me very intently, as if searching my soul, and then said, go in, but I will have to say you insisted. I remember pushing through the heavy rubber doors, and my Mum was on the treatment table with her nighty cut open and the medical staff and Doctors were stood around at a distance from Mum some with their arms folded, jumped to attention as I appeared, and I was being ushered out, and I refused to leave.

I walk up to Mum and said what's going on. They said she had 'gone'. Eventually I convinced them to do whatever it was that failed before. They got the shock paddles out and said that even if she came round unless the oxygen level was up to a certain point within three minutes she would be brain damaged. I said get on with it.

Now this seemed like an eternity, in fact it was less than ten minutes from when we got there. We had to stand back for the shock paddle treatment. She took one enormous breath and although she was still unconscious, and taken in intensive care for four days and then in the Geriatric ward (thats another story) for a further ten, she lived a less than active life that she had before that, but she lived a further three good years.

The point of all this is, that my Mum had been born to Victorian parents, (literally). She was born 1907 and had always been afraid of death. She believed that there was another place and some sort of judgment went on and you either went to a good place or a bad place. Sounds ridiculous I know but she believed that.

We did not bring up what had happened that day at all, and she had no idea that she had died. One day during lunch she started talking about her collapse and wondered why it had happened. I asked her what she recalled and she said nothing until she was in intensive care we established. So the opportunity to say that she was here because Sister Greehalgh let me go in to the treatment room came up, and that she had to be revived from death. I though she would be upset, to my complete surprise hers response was "what a relief, I won't be frightened of dying anymore, I knew nothing".

So what she was afraid of was not the process of death it was what came after. That episode in her life/death made what life she had left free of the anxiety of what came after.

For myself I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to go. I love living. But we have to make way and when the time comes I am sure I will be more accepting, because presumably I will be sick and that will alter how I feel now. If I go suddenly well I won't know anything about it.

I should say that she insisted on going back to the Hospital to find Sister Greenhalgh, who had only seen her in death and in an unconscious state. They met up flowers were given and I introduced Sister Greenhalgh,to my Mother, a living breathing interesting, caring, intelligent and amusing woman. They kept in touch till Mums death. She always said God bless Sister Greenhalgh.