Son and GF have cut us off

I am one of the 'estranged parents/grandparents' and it's utterly, utterly heartbreaking. I am at my wits' end trying to understand my heartless children - and this sort of situation is rife I can tell you...! Selfish little blighters...!

Actually, 'alienated' is a better word than 'estranged' (even though I am that too!)

I will add ungrateful 'little blighters'

Terrible how DGC are often used as pawns in these sort of ‘games’ isn’t it?
Is this a new phenomena?
Never heard of all this emotional blackmail used in the past.
Women didn’t always like their MIL or even their own parents all that much, but dutifully visited and never stopped DGC seeing them.

How strange they complain you don't see them often enough then say the punishment will be you don't get to see them at all. This rather defeats the stated object doesn't it? So I feel there is another agenda playing out here.

I am seeing a picture of a possessive controlling gf, possibly but not necessarily encouraged by her mother, who wants to either make a rift between you and your son or bring yourselves under her control also.
I see your son idolises her and the baby and will be her willing obedient slave.
I hope I am wrong. Gf must see you are doomed to failure because of your panic attacks so is that cruel or what?

Tell your son the threat/ultimatum places you in an impossible position and that you want to see them often but are relying on him to bring them over. You mustn't let yourself be blackmailed.

It's probably her parents that are stirring up trouble, get on with your own life, send birthday and Christmas cards, invite them to your place occasionally, but no more.
"There is nowt so queer as folk" they will either come round or they won't, but big dissapointment.

NANYKÁY....Sorry you have anxiety.
I know what that can be like and used the following natural items to help.
1. BACH Rescue Remedy is good but look at the list of other BACH flower remedies for a specific one for anxiety.

The other one is IGNATIA in the range of natural salts that dissolve on the tongue. I can't remember the name of the range but a pharmacist will know.

I wish you well with your ŕelationship problems and don't think you should give in to any
"emotional blackmail"

Some people are just unbelievably
Selfish & Thoughtless.....I know from
personal experience.

That's awful for you. Don't know what to suggest. But hopefully it's all down to stresses of a new baby and maybe as things get easier for them they will be more reasonable. And chances are, if DIL has had rocky relationship with her mother, it may go downhill again in time and they will turn back to you. Hang in there. I wish you well.

Pinny4

In fairness, we do not know it's the GF who is orchestrating this. It could be a joint decision. I'm always somewhat suspicious when someone insists it must be the new partner that's behind this.

We do not know the whole story here. I would suggest the OP just back off and wait to be invited. If she does want to do something, I suggest putting together a "memory box" for her GC. This would be things such as cards for special occasions that she would fill out and keep, and could then share with the GC if she has contact at a later date.

have I missed it or has the op not yet said how new the baby is?

I think thats relevant!

If the dust has settled then this could be more serious than if its very new first time parents gone a bit temporarily loopy in the process of trying to find their feet!

I am so glad I do not have to watch my Ps and Qs! Being the only one who drives and has a car might be part of the reason! Whilst I tend to be somewhat laid back, woe betides anyone who ruffles my feathers! There would certainly be some plain speaking! I've driven away before leaving them in the lurch when their behaviour has not been acceptable! I won't have to do it again! You have to make the decision whether you call the shots or they do but you have to accept the consequences!

Personally, there's more to this story I think.

Maybe back track...hah you shown favouritism to others, indirectly insulted her, DO YOU GOSSIP TO THE FAMILY ABOUT HER?

Posting in upper case is shouting. Why did you feel the need to shout at the OP damewithaname and are you implying that by sharing her story and asking for advice here on GN is the same as gossiping to the family about her son's GF?

It's a terrible thing to be cut off by your own AC and as a consequence to be cut out of the life of your GC.

It sounds like the GF has grown up with volatile relationships with her family and the drama is what she needs or is used to. I suspect your son is worried about upsetting her because she has his child and is desperate to make things work. My advice would be to write to them as a couple explaining the difficulties you have but would like to suggest an alternative setting so you can see your grandchild. If this is not acceptable just tell them you love them and will always be there for them but will leave it to them to decide on their path of action. Or ask them to tell you exactly what it is they need from you so that you are able to discern their dissatisfaction. Perhaps ask for a meeting and 'listen' to their point of view. Don't be dismissive of their feelings in a rush to validate your actions but ask how you could have done things differently so they didn't feel the way they did. Often when you put the ball back in their court, it can highlight issues you were completely unaware of particularly with damaged young people who have not been used to dealing rationally with their emotions.
One thing that strikes me from one of your posts is that you say that your Daughter would do lots of chores when she visited. Is it possible that this has inadvertently been seen as judgemental about their lifestyle? Sometimes we believe we are being helpful but others see it as criticism.
Good luck with whatever you decide though, it is never nice to feel excluded when you feel you have given your all.

Reading your post I am just wondering if you have almost done too much, they have no doubt been enjoying all the free food and did you really buy everything for the new baby it sounds a little overwhelming. When you called a bit of a halt and you didn't see them since Christmas it must have been rather confusing. On their side they have gone completely overboard breaking off contact and issuing ultimatums. I would let a little time go by and then try and visit, I do understand your mobility problems, or offer a meal out, good luck.

Ah kids, they break your bank balance and then they break your heart. I have no words of comfort to offer except look after yourselves. Put yourselves first for once.

It is very sad when you have to play a game of tactics with your own child, instead of just being open, honest and natural, but sadly I think that in some cases it has to be done. 'Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'!

Well not really, but in order to progress, they need to realise that they need you at least as much as you need them.

I was being emotionally blackmailed to give money, possibly still am. It is so hard to step back, but sometimes it is all you can do. Horrible to have to play games, but in my case I feel that I need to play the long game.