Son's Partner is Controlling and Manipulative

I feel inadequate telling you to let it go and say nothing! A lot of us MILs (of DILs) know instinctively when we are being slowly and methodically outlawed by the DILs. No idea why they do it and I make no excuse for their behaviour, such as had young baby etc.

I noticed a huge shift in my DILs attitude towards me once she had secured the engagement ring. I genuinely thought we had a good easy relationship.

I say NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. I smile & ensure I'm old Mrs Happy Go Lucky. It's difficult and takes practice.

Perhaps these young women aren't quite as confident as they would have us believe .... Give it time. I no longer care but try and ensure that it doesn't impede on my son or grandchild. I totally accept that my son has to be supportive to his wife. Funny part is that she's welcome to have him! Please don't send him back to me!

Don't worry. Keep on catching the train & going to see them. It's a situation where there's only losers. Shame isn't it ...,

Pinksweetpea and Lakeview

Hope you don't mind, but I have shared a bit more in private messaging

Gosh just login to see the replies, sorry I am new to the forums and did not realise I had so many replies. Thank you for replying, I am reading through them all now.

Was your DIL depressed after the birth? If she was that could to some extent explain the negative traits in her character having got worse. But she may just be feeling stressed being a new mum.

It really depends on what your relationship with your son is like whether you can ask him if everything is all right at home or not. I would feel justified in doing so with my son in a similar situation, but as already mentioned by others, please do take care not to criticise either him or his partner.

Sadly, unless your son chooses to confide in you, I don't think there is anything you really can do.

Just go on being pleasant to them both, and make your own arrangements for getting home next time you visit that don't include relying on one of them to drive you.

I wouldn't ask my son to bring the child to visit with mother, that, I fear, will only make things worse.

Ah!iam so thankful i came here a very dear friend who is on gransnet directed me here saying a similar situation to mine was being discussed
i can totally relate to the situation where the son is served an ultimatum you choose your mum on any issue you will lose me and the baby
so he walks on eggshells and is on the edge
how true!
waiting should help i suppose as theres nothing i can do -and he is my only son
thank you for discussing this topic happy to know iam not alone

I've always found that least said, soonest mended unless the apology needs to come from me. I have occasionally said something unthinkingly but without malice which I have found has upset a DIL (never SIL's!). I work on the principle that they don't really 'know' me so they don't realise I come from a position of love because they are my sons' future happiness and my sons must have found something special about them. I have in the past written apologetically to one of my step-DILs who felt that as a stepmother I was automatically the bad guy and it really made the difference between us.
I used to come under attack from my MIL for "criticising" her son but she just didn't get that we were bantering and our relationship allowed for loving insult. Is it possible that you are misreading the situation with your son and DIL's relationship?
I think many women go through a period of uncertainty or sensitivity when they have young babies and you just have to try to negotiate that time as best as you can because if you can get past it without huge upset, things will settle down naturally.

Just keep out of it. Unless you can talk to him when she is not around which could be difficult.
It is not unusual for a sons partner to be jealous of the relationship he has with his mother.

I would suggest that when you see your son and his family you smile a lot and say how lovely the baby is and how much she is thriving etc. A few compliments about the baby and your DDinL could help to pave the way to a better relationship. Don't say anything to your DS, just keep it very light and friendly and don't stay too long. Give them space.

If at all possible please try and arrange a time when you can chat to your son alone.
It may be that the partner is trying to alienate your son from you for a reason but if your son is showing signs of being on edge around his partner and genuinely looking fearful of upsetting her there is always a possibility that there is a far more worrying under-lying cause.
Not all cases of domestic abuse are male to female...there are many men who have and are suffering at the hands of their partner but too afraid (or ashamed in their eyes) to speak out.

Try not to take son's partner's behaviour personally. It's much more about her than it is about you. Maybe she feels threatened by your son's relationship with you. It doesn't have to be anything you've actually done, just how she perceives things. She's probably very insecure, deep down, and is nasty to you because she's scared that she's not coping.
I know how hard it is to have to step back and let your son sort this out for himself. If he's unhappy with her, I would think he's torn between leaving and losing his daughter but step back is all that you can do. Yes, talk to him if you really get the opportunity but always remember he's a grown-up and think about how you would have felt at his age if your parent(s) had tried to tell you what to do.
Bite your tongue while smiling sweetly!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hard to do isn't it! Believe me, I do know!

Like many other mothers of sons, I too have lived through this nightmare. Your son, however, is an adult and will have to deal with things himself. Im sure he knows how much you love him, and that you will always be there for him....should he need you.

Accept things as they are, because otherwise the sad prospect of losing contact with your grandchild is very real.

I truly wish that these women would realise that control and manipulation is the quickest way to destroy a relationship. My own son has reached the end, and has taken steps to end his marriage. He lives a great distance from me, so I don’t have many details. However, knowing him as only a mother can, he must have hit rock bottom to take steps which will mean less contact with his adored child.

I also have a similar situation. DS married Vietnamese girl 4 years ago, all was good for 2 years until GS was born. She is lazy, not interested and DS does everything. At our last visit she announced she no longer wants to be in Germany, wants to go back to Vietnam and her family can look after GS. She has no real family just nieces who have no work. On this occasion I did not keep mum, caused a few problems and DS was visibly upset when we left. I have done my best, welcomed her with open arms, paid for the wedding etc, provided a home for them and a lot more. But there comes a time when enough is enough. Fortunately DH and DS2 are completely supportive. So big hugs to all the grandparents who are in similar situations. We just need to get on with our own lives and not be controlled by others.

It is very difficult to be a mother-in-law, I have two d-i-l’s and one ex d-i-l. I have found it is wisest not to have expectations of your relationship with a d-i-l and treat the good bits as a bonus. You are way down the list of their priorities after your son, his wife’s family and, increasingly nowadays, their and her friends.

As Luzdoh has said, have you considered that your d-i-l might have post natal depression? It is the most wretched thing to have and can make a person very irrational, hard to live with and downright spiteful. I suffered with this after my first son was born and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone; it was a miserable experience for me and my husband so that could account for how you perceive your son at the moment.

Try to develop a thicker skin if you can. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on but if not you will have to live with it and just be there for your son if and when he needs you.

I can empathise with your situation, and all I can say in reply is to give you the benefit of my own experience.

How did I deal with the hatred? Nothing would have worked, as I think it was her own self-hate, or whatever, projected onto me (and others). She refused to visit or be visited, so I just had to let it wash over me, and get support from those close to me.

How did I keep the relationship going with my son? By showing I was there for him, accepting that he only got in touch once every few weeks, without castigating him for that, and keeping conversation non-confrontational. The most I did to push him into phoning would be a little text, which usually resulted in a reply, usually when he was able to be on his own.

How did I prevent my grandchild being out of bounds to me? Being hundreds of miles away, I accepted that he would bring her maybe just twice a year. By not making a fuss, this wasn't denied, even also for the step grandchild, though I think any contact with DS's family perturbed DIL a lot. Skyping didn't really work TBH, so it was difficult.

How did I deal with her seeming acceptance of a more distant family member? I realised it reflected their being much less of a threat to the control and manipulation, so had no problem with it.

What did I say to my son about the situation? I knew he was treading on eggshells at home, and on edge, and, as you say, frightened of upsetting her. However, while he was leaving things unsaid, I couldn't interfere in a marriage, and just took his news about what they were doing, where they were going etc at face value. I read between the lines of course.

How did I deal with arrangements for visits? Once it got to the stage of being clear that DIL wanted to avoid us completely, we abandoned ideas of visiting the house. My DD arranged to visit for a couple of hours when in the area, and it went down like the heaviest lead balloon you could ever imagine, with DIL refusing to even be present. I always gave DS the choice of coming up here, or meeting in the middle or us staying in their area, and he always chose to travel. There seemed to be such a lot left unsaid that eventually, after two years of this being the situation, I stated that I was sorry he had to do all the travelling, but clearly she wanted nothing to do with us, and it was always up to him when and where he saw me, because I understood how difficult that was and must upset him. He agreed, and it was clear we all appreciated seeing each other and spending time together. Even after two of these sensitively (probably over-sensitively) broached conversations, without me actually criticising DIL, he still didn't admit to what it turns out was extreme unhappiness in a situation that amounted to being bullied. It took 4 more months to share properly. Although this made me feel awful, I think it was right not to interfere until he asked for support. I will not go into what happened since, as hopefully you DS's situation is not as severe.

Pinksweetpea, I hope you will appreciate that spending the time writing this shows how much I do get how you are feeling. I know my situation is different, and yet it is also similar. My advice would be to step back as much as possible; speak out only when you have truly considered what to say; continue being pleasant etc etc. Remember that the apparent hatred probably reflects that you are important to your DS, even though he is finding it hard to find opportunity to show it. Otherwise, she wouldn't bother.

Bide your time ... a situation like that won’t thrive ..
heartbreaking when children involved I would think .. my dear parents has to suffer this nastiness with both my brothers wives / girlfriends ( yes they dont half pick em ) ... broke my heart .. I even kicked off once when one brothers wife refused to let us go to the hospital to see mum and dads new grandson .. we traveled from Kent to Surrey .. that marriage failed but my parents passed away ( still not over it after 16 years ) and the way my brothers “allowed “ and enabled these women to run roughshod over them still makes me feel sick ... I am so sorry you are experiencing this ... my dear parents were the sweetest (mum kept the peace in these situations but she would normally speak her mind .. I think I reassured her to leave it as her health and age were against her ... good luck ... we can’t control peoples behaviour but we can control how we react to them ... and not it says more about her than it does about you if she is being totally unreasonable towards you .. I feel time no matter how long always has a way of sorting things out

Not a good situation it must be so worrying for you.
She sounds just like my late sons partner, but she was violent too. Don’t mean to scare you but just keep an eye on him.
Trouble is we can’t bear to see our children so unhappy

I have a similar situation to you Sweetpea too. And I agree with all the positive posts above. We can do nothing but bear it out. No criticizing or mentioning DIL to son. Keep mum, send pleasant things. My daughter thinks I treat DIL with too much respect and thinks I should be as rude to her as she is to me. But that wont go anywhere. Time will have to do its stuff. In the meantime I see grandkids about twice a year as she usually sits sulking and following them about so I am not alone with them. It is really odd. and I totally believe you. big hug.

I have not experienced this personally but have seen a friend torn apart with this scenario. The son was given a choice, if you choose your mother over me on any issue, you will lose me and your child. So he has a miserable life, staying put for the sake of his child, and being totally walked over and dominated by this harridan. Personally, I would try all I could to build a bridge with her ( through gritted teeth if need be). I would ask if I had done/said anything to upset her and reiterate how you so wish you could be friends etc If that is thrown back in your face, you will know in your heart that you have done all that you possibly can. Good luck ...

crazyH I just had to say you have made my eyes prick with tears! You are a lovely person! I am so sorry you too have a DIL who is batty. What a heart-ache that situation is. I do not have difficulties of that kind but other difficulties and many miles apart keeps me from seeing my grandchildren. How kind your reply to Pinksweetpea is too! I just wanted to thank you for a lovely, kind message.

PinkSweetPea I can only add my deep sorrow and moral support. I think Smileless2012 has the most experience and has kindly explained how invidious it is to try and say anything. I find being a mum to adult married children absolutely agonising. If you think they are unhappy in their relationship there is nothing you can do unless they come to you. Try hard to overcome your own distress and just stick around whenever you can for your son's sake. This is a terribly common situation. I have several friends who are going through it. We may surmise all sorts of reasons for the DIL's unpleasantness towards you but it doesn't really help. I did wonder if she has a bit of post-natal depression and is taking it out on you.
I'm sorry I can't come up with anything better. Try to let her behaviour roll off you (water off a duck's back , they say, don't they?). I know that's all very well for me to say. Hang in there for your son's sake and don't read too much in to his mood either.
God bless you and good luck. You are not alone.

My son was in a very similar situation. The only difference is that he did confide in me. I would say nothing, but just be as pleasant as you can.

They have been parted now for several years but I know how heartbreaking it is to watch your son be so desperately unhappy.

Hi Pinksweetpea
I know exactly how you feel. I think the two of us are leading ALMOST parallel lives. I have a d.i.l. who I'm sure hates me. She takes pleasure in passing snide remarks about me...she is a stay at home mum...she has a 3 year old and a 9 month old. What bothers me is that she visits her Mum every day with the children.....and once a week she takes them to visit my ex husband and his wife, but never comes to me. I have stopped asking her to bring them over,
because I know she won't . My son is devoted to her and the children and that's how it should be. But I am sad that he does not care enough for me ....he could ask his wife to take the children to see his mother (he works away during the week). He doesn't ring me. Basically no communication. I only text him if I want to see the grandkids. Its 3 weeks since I saw them . I will text him tomorrow to ask him if I could go over there for an hour or so over the bank holiday weekend. His reply will probably be that they are going to be busy.
It's all so sad.....but I have another d.i.l. who is lovely. She makes sure all the grandparents see her little boy every week. As a matter of fact, I'm having the little darling over for a few hours tomorrow. She has an urgent meeting at work.
All the best pinksweetpea. This is where we get the best advice....they are firm but fair. I love coming on here. It makes you realise you are not alone xx

I empathised with you until the part when you insinuated that your son was unhappy in his marriage and fearful of his wife.

Could it be that rather than refusing to drive you home or to the train station, your DIL simply changed her mind. She could have had a difficult night with the baby and perhaps didn't feel up to it. Could your son not have taken you home or to the train station? I'm sure that you are probably more than capable of getting yourself to the train station. The fact that it spoilt your day is concerning. Are you always this over sensitive?

And how do you know that your DIL sits around the house all day doing nothing! Are you there every day to witness this? She has a 6 month old baby, you should remember what that's like. It's hardly sitting around doing nothing! Even if she does sit around all day doing nothing that is absolutely none of your business! You absolutely need to back off and stop your obsession about what your DIL is or isn't doing, who she can speak to in front of you and what she can say.

Speak to your son at your own peril. That is his wife and the mother of his child. He may well be walking on eggshells because of you. You say that your DIL hates you for some reason, but I don't see that from your post. I think you hate your DIL, and she and your son both know this. Be careful before you try and speak poorly of his wife, who is at her most vulnerable with a new baby, to him. It may very well backfire on you.

and he does a lot as she just sits around the house all day, from what I can see
Goodness, that must be one very contented baby if mum can sit around all day.

I am assuming that the get-together was at your DS and DIL'S house - perhaps she was worn out coping with a young baby and catering for visitors? Or perhaps she has PND?

If you do speak with your son it should only be along the lines of DIL seeming quite tired and asking if they need any practical help at all.
I am puzzled as to why it was your DIL who was supposed to give you a lift home and not your DS.

Smileless

My BEC comment was in regards to her saying that the partner says things to OP's ex's partner specifically to annoy OP. My point was that I'm not sure that she can necessarily determine that this is the motivating factor behind the partner's behaviour.

It's possible that her other concerns do have some merit. Criticizing everything your partner does is not my idea of a healthy relationship, for example. But it's not her place to get involved in her son's relationship.