Son's Partner is Controlling and Manipulative

Smileless

My concern is that it appears the OP thinks there could be problems in the relationship between her son and his partner. She talks about how the partner criticizes what her son does, and how her son look stressed. It's not her place to get involved in their personal relationship.

I know you said you have to take a train if you want to see them but alot of grandma's on here would love to be welcomed by their DIL and happily take a train to see their family? I don't know if talking to your son would help as alot of the issues you stated can be explained away and if he is on her side it might make it worse? Obviously if there are some bigger issues you haven't stated you may need to address them but in terms of cancelling one lift, being on maternity leave (you said she sits at home while husband works...but as she has a 6 month old assume is maternity and 6 month olds are hard work) and liking her step mum in law in front of you... it's not the worst DIL I've heard of?

she's got a six months old baby...she's tired and cranky and she cant be bothered with someone who doesn't like her...whats to understand? Back off and give this new mum space ..and try not to alienate her husband in the process..SHE needs him on her side .

'she also seems to hate me for some reason.'

You've then listed reasons why you don't like her. You might have genuine reason for not liking her and that's ok but it does show and she could of picked up on it.

If neither of you like each other, that might be why your son is awkward/walking on egg shells when you're all together?

Could you maybe ring your son? Breezey conversation '..Oh and is everything alright with X, I've noticed she seems abit off?' Keep it light and breezey. 'You know where I am if you need me' and so on..
You have then told him you are aware of her attitude and you are always there for him if he needs anything. You haven't actually discussed their relationship.
Light and breezy.

”, "Look at that little b*tch eating crackers as if she owns the place"........not relevant and most certainly not helpful.

PinkSweetPea. I suggest you post on the Support for Grandparents thread. Your concerns can be shared and support given, by actual grandparents experiencing the same problems that you are.

OOps that should be her partner's mother.

I don't understand why you thought it appropriate to post that agnurse. I don't think Pinksweetpea is finding "even the most innocuous thing(s)" that her son's partner is doing annoying. She's clearly concerned about her son, his relationship with his partner, her own relationship with his partner and not seeing very much of her GD.

You're right of course that a parent's instinct is to protect their child, even when that child is all grown up with a child of their own. I'm not sure what you were alluding to, but there's no suggestion that the OP's partner feels the need to protect their child from his partner's mother.

Madgran

Sorry, I thought it might be in the abbreviations list. It's the idea that if someone really bothers you, even the most innocuous thing can be annoying. It comes from an Internet meme that says, "Look at that little b*tch eating crackers as if she owns the place".

Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't ask your son when you can see your GD as suggested by agnurse, that could simply add fuel to the fire.

What does B*tch eating crackers" mean agnurse?

I was very sorry to read your post Pinksweetpea. I wouldn't ask you son if she has a problem with you, you could just ask if everything's OK.

Your son's partner's behaviour is very similar to our estranged son's wife but it became obvious with her literally the day after their first child was born. The way you describe you son fitted ours exactly.

When our GC was less than a year old we were cut out, that was more than 5 years ago. Had it not been for our experience I would advise you differently, that you try and find out what's going on but with the benefit, or curse, of hindsight all I can suggest is that you do and say nothing.

Even if you ask your son in the nicest possible way specifically about her, if she's controlling and manipulative you may find that you inadvertently back him into a corner.

I'm sorry if my response seems negative but there's nothing you can do but go to their home when you can and not allow her to see that her behaviour upsets you.

Perhaps given time things will settle down but for now all you can do is hope and enjoy what time you do get to spend with your son and GD.

Do you know for sure that she is making a fuss of your ex's partner solely to annoy you? Could it possibly be that you have a little bit of BEC (b*tch eating crackers) going on?

It might be helpful to speak privately to your son about seeing your grandchild, but do not ask about their relationship or get involved in it. A parent should never get involved in an AC's relationship, and an AC should never ask their parents to get involved in their relationship. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That means that parental involvement doesn't usually go well.

I'm sure my MIL says the same about me

What a miserable situation to have to put up with. Maybe your son has praised you or compared you favourably to her in the past that has left her bitter and insecure causing her to be so unpleasant. Sadly if her behaviour continues it wont be a long relationship. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces. If you do get to speak to your son alone it might be worth asking why she has a problem with you without criticising her in any way, you dont want her to appear right as she may have said that you do not like her.Such a shame that it means you dont get to have a good relationship with your grand daughter, you may have to wait until she is older when you can send things in the post for her and speak on the phone, it seems a long way off but this is not forever. As you really have no power to change this situation you must work on not thinking about it or you will become bitter and resentful making it harder for your son and miserable for you. Sorry I could not be of more help.