Potentailly awkward birthday party

I had this situation but with a friend who no longer speaks to me. I refused the invitation and justified it (to myself) by saying that if I went it might be awkward for other people.
You should only go if you think you can cope with it being awkward.
But then again, maybe I’m just a wimp ...

Ask your niece for a lift to the party and present her with a thoughtful gift to say thanks thereby allowing the rift to heal itself.

I don't like driving long distances by myself. Could you get a train/bus and then taxi locally? If you have to drive, make sure you take couple of breaks from the road. Leisurely cups of coffee at the services. Difficult problem with your niece. Would you consider going up to her, giving her a hug and saying 'it's lovely to see you'? That could break the ice. At the very least you will have made the effort and there's really not much else you can do. You may find that with the passing of time she may have mellowed.

I'm not sure that I understand how your DS younger twin could be your niece. She would be your sister...surely.

GabriellaG, that's my first laugh of the day. Thank you!

Sorry to hear of your tense family dynamics. We all have them i'm sure. I have to ask if possibly the umbrage was taken due to stress and tiredness of coming to end of a challenging period of her own? Possibly other things going on you don't know about and now they all embarrassed and want to pretend it never happened? You suffering from anxiety will catastrophise and chew on it naturally.

Either ask yourself if you really want to go. Why do you want to go. Can you take anyone with you? Would it be possible to carry on as if nothing ever happened? Can you say to yourself 'I'm not going because I don't want to' and send apologies as ill'. Or will you feel you'd regret it?

I have to say I had an outburst from a relative 2 years ago and we didn't speak and then met in a hospital corridor visitng a mutual close relative. Both behaved in a civilised way and now do have communication.

Just remember they will feel awkward too.

Very best wishes for a good resolution and your peace.

????
Do not bring past differences up. Say nowt.
A celebration is neither the time nor place to 'thrash it out'.
I doubt very much whether you would have been invited if the family thought that there might be friction between you and the other party.
I might have misunderstood but it seems from your post that you like to talk everything through at length, even if no result is likely.
Take my advice. DO NOT mention past squabbles.
Go, enjoy, be pleasant to everyone and fgs don't apologise/question or make any reference whatsoever to past matters.
My own take on it is that you find it hard to 'drop' things which others don't want to discuss.
Your confessed 'anxiety' should not make you walk out. You are not the central figure in this celebration so your thoughts on resolving past conflicts, do not matter.
Forget about YOU and enjoy being part of the happy occasion.
Remember, least said - soonest mended.

Kim19
??

I now realise that the OP meant (should have written) that it was the younger of her DS's twin daughters but even that makes little sense as there could only be a few hours max between them and their ages are of no consequence.

It sounds like your ds would have discussed with dn about inviting you before she did so. Dn has probably realised she acted badly but is too embarrassed to say so. She probably wants to heal the rift without losing face and recognises you are getting older and wants to make peace with you. I would travel down by train the day before and stay in travel inn/lodge and get taxi from station. I would attend event and be in good mood, say hello to niece and smile and hopefully she will reciprocate. I would not mention the past but keep conversation in the here and now. I would stay a second night in Travel inn/lodge and attend dinner the next day. Then catch train back home. If you think it is all too much to lunch and then train back on same day I would stay a third night and treat it as a little holiday. I am sure you would not have been invited if your dn objected. Do not be on the defensive and be prepared to let sleeping dogs lie. Have a lovely time.

Grampie
I can't believe you said that.
Ask niece to whom she hasn't spoken for more than 5 years, to drive over 100 miles to collect her and drive 100+ miles to take the OP home then drive herself 100+ miles back to her own home.
Incredible thinking.

I think I would use the long drive as a reason for not going. Presumably they know you are nervous of doing this and it is unkind to expect it.
I cant help with the other problem, but send you sincere sympathy as have had a similar problem for five years with my grand daughter who I upset, and she wont speak to me or allow explanation. She has a daughter -my great grand daughter who is now 7 and I have not seen since she was 2. So my heart goes out to you in your similar circumstance.

Do you want to go? It's only one occasion and you would not be falling out with anyone by not attending. As it's your BIL'S birthday the issue would have been if you were NOT invited. I don't see it as an olive branch.
Forget your bossy DS if you'd be sorry to miss it go but not worth angst if you don't really care. A lovely card with thoughtful msg and an Amazon voucher/similar would be good. Or organise something via venue in your absence, e.g. champagne, other for meal

I puzzled over that too! in the end I decided OP meant that her sister had twin children of which the younger she ( the OP) was formerly close to

How do you come to judge the sister as ‘bossy’ Bridgid all she did was suggest it was not a good idea to drive 100 miles to go over all the old ground Reading between the lines I wonder if Silvers anxiety makes her perhaps go on and on like a dog with a bone trying to analyse, apologise, discuss and reason the niece had made it clear she didn’t want to go over it and her mum said no way to driving 100 miles to try and sort it and I would have said the same The absolute best thing in some disagreements is to let them die a natural death that really doesn’t make the sister bossy
Of course Silver must do what’s comfortable but she came on here for some ideas and advice and most people seem to think it’s the olive branch she’s been waiting for
To spurn it would b evsuch a waste

I would take the train option and the overnight stay to remove as much stress as possible or, if driving, break it up into three or four shorter hops with a break in between. There will be other people there that you can talk to and engage with, and if your DN persists in this rather unkind behaviour and unwillingness to realise that we are all marching hand in hand towards the grave and might as well be kind to each other, then so be it. You can adopt a good positive attitude - the only string we have to play when others are being silly and awkward - and let her get on with it. I hope you have a lovely time.

I agree with much of what's already been said. IMO the invitation is an olive branch to heal past differences. Let bygones be bygones. Find a stress free way to travel that doesn't involve driving yourself. Make a short break out of it by stopping over enroute. Be pleasant with everyone at the party and lunch. Don't mention past differences and don't be drawn into any discussion about it if others bring it up, just say the past belongs in the past and you're very happy to have been invited and to celebrate the occasion.

Go: otherwise you'll be wondering "what if", and that would be worse than not going.
However, go prepared. Have a couple of anecdotes nicely rehearsed for when you're mingling and chatting. Have a couple of future plans or projects to discuss - to show you do know how to look forward. Have a couple of opening questions ready for genial discussion, such as, "Can you recommend a good website for holiday bookings?" If you're a member of a club or choir or such, practise talking about it in an interesting way.
The trick is to look upon this event you're going to as a job interview - you have this opportunity to show them that, despite any hiccups in the past, you're really a normal, kind person who would be mortified if they thought they'd upset someone else.

Two issues really in this post: families and driving for 120 miles.

1. I would think at least twice before driving 120 miles there - and back - on my own. I stop every half hour now on a 60 mile trip and I’m quite a bit younger than you. Can you go by train or coach. Or stop overnight there and back?

2. Families! Don’t bang on to your niece or your brother, etc, about what you may have said a million years ago, they didn’t listen to your point of view then and they almost certainly won’t listen now ..... they clearly don’t want to talk about ‘it’, so don’t talk about ‘it’.

One of my former colleagues would ‘have things out’ with her relatives and it normally ended VERY badly. Can end up being very confrontational and unpleasant and you will be on your own, a loooong way from home!

As Penn and Teller say (misquoting Lewis Carroll, I believe) ‘Never apologise and never explain’.

3. My view is to make a very VERY diplomatic excuse, clashing weekends etc, and meet your brother another time. Do something lovely with your friends that day instead.

Hope all resolves well. ?

Ask yourself, how would you have honestly felt if you found out about this event, but had not been invited? Would you have been hurt or relieved? Are you happy to go through your life without seeing them again? If so, make excuses and don't go.

They are giving you a great chance here to let bygones be bygones. It's lovely that you are being included at the celebrations for your BIL, a warm and happy family event. This is an ideal opportunity to reconnect. There will be a crowd of you, you can just say hello to the niece and not much more. I certainly would not mention the past problems.

I agree that I would book a night before and after the journey so it is less stressful travelling. Think of some nice things to say in a toast to the BIL, and try to forget what's gone before.

One thing I have noticed in your post you don’t say you ve been out of contact for five years just that the problem has never been resolved ( for you that is) if you have had contact over the five years I think this is all about you holding on to this ‘ problem’ which they may have totally forgotten by now
Either way it’s an opportunity to put everything under the carpet and forget about it totally Some things never do have answers
enjoy your party

Thank you all for your very helpful suggestions. My DS and BIL live in France and are traveling over for the party. So no chance of 1:1.
A few years back I was not able to attend older DS Wedding party - was not invited to the ceremony - and my DS ripped me to pieces because I only let the Bride know the day before. Had severe heart problems at the time and could not face either journey or function, but held on until the last minute to see how I felt. DS was convinced I was being petulant! I was waiting to have stents in my hart at the time but she would not listen.
Um, not an invitation, it is a summons. DS is made that way!
I have two dogs that have to be kenneled too, so the whole weekend is costing me a fortune - but hey!
Smile on face, lots of Rescue Remedy and away to go. Just as well I am used to the long distance driving of my younger years.

I'm having to make a two hour train journey with my DS who I have had a very shaky relationship with over the last 5 years. We generally handle things by neither of us commenting about the past and it usually helps if I agree with every thing she says. In between forced meetings (this time for a funeral) we don't contact each other unless it concerns our AC. I'm sure it will be ok with your niece too, don't apologise, don't even acknowledge it and you will both come out unscathed.

If it were me, I simply wouldn't go! I'd have something nice delivered to the BIL, and ring him the day after the party, possibly. Don't stress yourself out about it all -it's not worth all the upset

I had a similar situation with SiL some years ago that lasted for 10 years! We managed to go to a family wedding and avoid each other but when our DD got engaged I decided to be the grown up (SiL is much older than me!) and wrote a letter to her about the whole sorry situation and suggesting that whoever was right or wrong we should put the past behind us. so silvercollie why don't you write, you don't need to apologise if you feel you aren't in the wrong (you don't say what the 'innocuous banter remark' was) just suggest that you both move on

I m getting muddled now many sisters are you talking about and who was a bride
You say you couldn’t attend sister s wedding and was torn to pieces by sister because you didn’t let the bride know till last minute Are you talking about two different sisters ?