No help from DH after injury

I agree with Luckygirl, knee scooters are great. My nephew had a melanoma cut from the sole of his foot and can't put his foot down for two months. He got a knee scooter and zooms around with no trouble.

bmthbelle13, thank you for your good wishes for my son. :I hope you recover quickly too. It’s not a pleasant thing.

Unfortunately this is so common with so many selfish men. As others have posted ... revenge is sweet ... so aim for maximum impact !!

My MIL (85) is about to have a hip replacement and scared to death. DH is severely disabled, I am registered disabled, but mainly with chronic physical ailments and DS is Aspergers, chronic depressive and had heel surgery which still gives occasional pain. But when MIL comes home, DS and I will take it in turns, one looking after DH, the other caring for MIL. We accept that both our patients are difficult,cantankerous and will make our lives hell for the foreseeable future, but they are much loved and we wouldn't have it any different!

In my experience any changing of the older male's routine causes grumpiness, if he is normally fine with you then he just can't cope with you not being yourself. Yes of course he should but as they say he is outside his comfort zone. I sometimes think my mothers and grandmothers were lucky as there always seemed to be some unattached female relative who would turn up and sort everybody out. Do hope you are feeling better soon and do tell him how you feel over one of the cups of tea he is going to make

After a hip replacement my husband had to reluctantly cook. It was hellish. The combinations of food he presented me with were foul. I managed to accept each meal with good grace. But when I went out for a short walk to build up my mobility he immediately thought I should be the chef again even although my walking was so limited and I was exhausted from the short walk that I’d done. It’s something to do with stereotyped roles I think.

Don't think grumpy would be my reaction but I would certainly be very very hurt. I think I might also be re-assessing our relationship which would be difficult indeed. I don't do revenge either. Makes me the lesser person, in my opinion and nursing a grudge can surely never be healthy no matter how understandable. I really wish you well. Your situation sounds horrible both physically and mentally. Good luck.

My DH has been looking after me for the last few years without complaint. He does all the housework, laundry and ironing, shopping and cooking. Immediately post op he has lifted me and helped me up and downstairs and risen during the night to walk me to the bathroom. I have never once heard him moan, he is not well himself but always puts me first, he is a saint.
I think you need to remind your DH about his wedding vows.

My thoughts on this.
Your husband is sticking his head in the sand and hoping you're injury doesn't exist if he doesn't acknowledge it.
It's because he DOES need you and love you.

The worst thing to do is let him off the hook by doing things yourself. Do that now and he'll never learn to help you.

He hates to see you weak as it means thoughts that he might one day lose you and be left alone.
In some cases it's because they are lost and scared without us. Almost like a "losing mummy" syndrome.

Don't facilitate his avoidance of your needs by doing it all yourself.

My husband was like this when I first got MS.
After many months of upset and tears, mine and his, I became very calm and cool and developed an air of high expectation.

I acted as if there was no question that he helped me
No nonsense was acknowledged.
If he moaned I ignored it completely and carried on as if it was the most normal thing in the world that he stepped up.

Very difficult at frst but it works like a dream.

My sympathies belle.
A month on from my accident I am well on the way to recovery (broken femur - no plaster but fixed plate bolted in).
I couldn't have coped without the help of my family and understand how distressing this must be for you.
My ex-h has been very helpful by lending DD his bigger, higher car to get me around.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Take all useful advice from using a bag, to treating your walking frame as a trolley if necessary, to working hard on your physio exercises.
I'd be tempted to speak to him in words of one syllable and say you need and deserve his help!

I think some men just find it difficult to realise their wives/partners are not invincible after all. We spend all our married lives looking after them, the kids, the house etc that to suddenly have said heroine looking frail and vulnerable comes as a shock! Mine has varying degrees of sympathy depending on the situation - it takes him a day or so to realise that I actually am not well if it's not something visible and then he will be very attentive and helpful - until he thinks I should be over whatever it is then I can see he's getting fed up of playing the nurse and leaves me to fend for myself! On the whole though he's very good so I can't grumble too much.

I hope you're soon able to get around again without too much pain - bottom shuffling up and down stairs helps. Not so sure about the office chair though - I've fallen off mine a few times when it's shot back on the laminate floor as I've tried to sit down

Yes. Selfish man.

Cross body bags and all the other advice is going to help you a lot until you are more mobile. Some great advice.
I wonder what you would have been doing for him if the boot was on the other foot!
Not just husbands/partners but friends as well. take but not so keen to give.......karma.....then you decide if, or how much you want to help/ give.

I think you are right to feel grumpy with your OH, but I think the key is the fact that normally you are fit and healthy. Sometimes guys just need telling what to do, it doesnt necessarily come naturally to them if usually you are thoroughly independent. Also if he is anything like my OH he is actually quite scared of any kind of ill health, seeing it as a weakness in a rather old fashioned sort of male way, so he pretends its not happening. I think a frank and very obvious conversation pointing out which things you need doing and how would help. I dont think its that he is uncaring, just probaby needs guidance.

Gosh - it seems that caring is just a one way street for this guy. His way! He sounds quite brattish and selfish.

Just wait until his health takes a wee nosedive and he expects you to look after him - I suggest you develope selective deafness.

(Remember the wonderful film "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" with Bette Davis playing the evil sister having to care for her older sister (played by Joan Crawford) who was disabled in an accident?)

I think some men like children they don't know where to start or how much effort is involved with looking after someone.

My brother is very good at doing DIY around the house was useless when my SIL like you has unable to get around. He went into town to get some shopping, was gone a long time and when asked why, he said he had been to a cafe for lunch. Not got anything for my SIL's lunch or thought about it. My husband is useless at DIY but great cook and carer when I am ill.

My DH is like this. Two years ago I fell and injured my knees. All he was interested in was that it shouldn't spoil our holiday!

I tried to keep quiet about it as much as possible, not to make a fuss and pretend everything was ok (which it wasn't). I was so upset and even now tend not to say anything.

It's strange, because in other ways he is very kind and attentive. I guess it's 'bury head in sand' as someone else said in the hope it will all go away. Hey ho!

blue60 my DH sounds very much like yours. He seems to find it impossible to express sympathy on the odd occasions I am off colour yet is the world’s worst patient himself. It’s hurtful sometimes but in other ways he is very caring. I think he goes into panic mode if he thinks he might have to take over cooking and cleaning. I blame his mother who never let her DH lift a finger in the house!

Entirely agree with Luckygirl!!! My husband was brilliant when I had my hip replacement so I returned the favour when he had his knee replaced. How on earth do you put up with him Bmthbelle13

Ooh I feel for you ...and understand completely ..why are so many men like this ??? I had cancer and three major ops on colon and liver ....was told at one point palliative care only (but luckily was offered a new treatment ...10 years ago and still here !) BUT OH said I was making it all up and there was nothing wrong with me .........I had to drive myself to chemo three times every two weeks with a bowl on the car seat in case I was sick (it didn't suit me ...yuck !) ....then I broke my femur, and still got no sympathy and no help ...when I called for him simply to pass me the phone so I could call an ambulance he told me to get up and stop being hysterical (I wasn.t just asking for the phone !) Now, ten years down the line he has Parkinons disease and dementia ...can only have liquid or powdered food ...guess who he calls every ten minutes (there is only me, no help as he refuses it) ...had to lift him up from the floor no less than 5 times since Saturday and although he is not heavy, I am 70 (he is 85) and I have to drag him and try to get him up. Doc says not to call ambulance as he would be confused in a hospital !!!!!!!! He want.no, demands, everything instantly and swears and yells at me all the time. To be honest (second marriage for both ...me divorced, he widowed) I am just one hair's breadth away from packing a case and leaving him to it ...............if that sounds harsh that is what it is !! Last night when he fell I applied five lots of plasters and missed one cut on his arm .............result : this morning for the second time since Saturday I had to wash the complete set of bed linen covered in blood .............and I was stupidly congratulating myself on having no washing to do today and thought I might get half an hour to go out for a coffee ....how daft is that !!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Violette sending you a big hug, do you get anytime for yourself? ???

Had the same problem when I went in for a hip operation.
Like you I was on crutches couldn’t do anything first 6 weeks, h was just awful would only cook ping meals as he calls them my d was so angry with him. Put the washing in
The wrong cycle. When I tried to tell him he got annoyed with me. Trouble is he has never had to anything I haveonly myself to blame.

Order some very expensive ready meals for one which are advertised for delivery and tell him it is for his sake so that he is not inconvenienced. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are totally disappointed with him.

Next time you go to the clinic i would tell them you are really struggling to get the care you require from your husband.They may have a solution and be able to arrange for carers to come into you.

It’s all in the upbringing. Boys should be taught to do their share of household tasks as soon as they’re old enough, and then their wives should expect them to take an equal share. It seems to me that some of the men described here have been very, very spoilt. How does anyone reach adulthood unable to cook a meal or do the washing?

Other than that, I think many men, and women for that matter, are extremely frightened when a partner is ill or incapacitated, and they behave oddly and unsympathetically because of that fear. Suddenly the whole pattern of their lives is altered.