First Visit

I agree completely with all of the PPs.

1. Grandparents stay at a hotel. They can come for short visits. Best not to schedule visits for particular times until the day of; you don't know how you will feel.

2. No visitors until YOU feel up to having them. If the birth is difficult or you need a C-section you'll have a longer recovery.

Your husband may find it beneficial to read the Lemon Clot Essay. (You can Google it online.) You might also suggest that when he books his colonoscopy he can arrange for it to be done with his parents and your parents looking on for kicks.

It's not wrong for GPs to be excited about a new baby. It's very wrong for them to put their expectations above the new mother and baby's needs.

By inviting them into this very private time you are opening a can of worms. How awful that a new mother is having to consider the feelings of others - even possibly sacrifice her breastfeeding relationship - to make others happy. The birth of your child isn’t about them. If you don’t feel comfortable setting boundaries then they shouldn’t be coming/ staying with you so soon.

Can't sleep, so revisited this page. this post is a wind up. Why do I not realise it at the beginning? More and more of these pop up,meow us what I would like to know.

Is this real?
Every one in the delivery room to watch the birth?
No hospital or midwife anywhere that would allow that.
Four grandparents playing pass the parcel with a new baby while you have to snatch it back to breastfeed?
Paying for hotels because they have driven for four hours?
If this is genuine then you are very much overthinking the situation.
' it really isn’t all about me!'
Of course it is all about you, and the new baby; your husband's function is to look after you both, not to show off to his assembled family.
Presumably both grandmothers will have given birth so they should have some understanding about how you will feel: tired at the very least, and in no position to play hostess. My advice is:
Don't tell them the minute you go into labour, although your husband sounds as though he will be stupid enough to do this.
Don't even think about putting them up in your house, or paying for hotel accommodation.
Don't let them cuddle the baby all the time, because nothing unsettles a newborn more than constantly being passed round like a doll.
If they insist on coming to the house, give them jobs: shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning, to help YOU.
You have to take control of this, and stop trying to please everyone else.
But I think once the baby is here, reality will kick in and you will do this anyway.

You forgot the first Christmas scenario Eazybee
Tell your husband when he has his vasectomy you ll invite the family and video it for FB

My DD wanted me & her sister with her. Everyone else waited outside As soon as baby born her partner took over. She knew who would be the best to have by her side and who would not cope & cause more anxiety bcos of his anxiety

I suggest that you show this thread to your husband, then be firm! Hotels or B&B definitely the answer.

It's you and your husbands baby, no one else's. I think it is a private and special time when he/she arrives and that shouldn't be done with a family audience. Phone them once the baby has arrived to let them know and then tell them they are welcome to visit a couple days later.
Don't have them staying at your home, from what you say I can see problems over who does what, holds baby etc.

The only time I stayed with the family when a baby was expected was when help was needed with the first, by then a lively toddler. I took the mum to hospital when she felt the first contractions, dealt with disturbed toddler and coped with a mound of ironing. They had to stay in hospital because infant had an infection, so I went with DS and toddler to see them and, with permission, I had a first cuddle.
As you can tell, OP, 'the best laid plans of mice and men gang oft agley'. For goodness' sake don't phone the grandparents as soon as you go into labour. Wait until the baby is safely delivered and you feel comfortable, then lay down conditions. As for having both sets of grandparents under one roof - just don't!

Good luck kittyteller I cant add anymore to the excellent advice here but its your time, you and your baby and your partner. As long as they can see and hold the baby fairly soon after the birth they will be fine. You must learn to say no you cant have anyone to stay for the first few weeks until you are all settled - you can always fib and say the doctor/midwife/ HV said you must have peace and quiet. Send them lots of photos, texts etc to keep them informed. There I said I wasn't going to say anymore. Best wishes. xx

I agree with all the previous posts except the bit about staying in a hotel! I don't think they should come at all UNTIL INVITED and YOU'RE READY for the influx. It's an exhausting time and YOU and YOUR BABY should come FIRST! Your husband will probably realise that after a few sleepless night .
Spend time enjoying your baby and getting to grips with a routine - they'll be plenty of time to include the grandparents later

From very recent experience OPs I would tell OH not to inform the GPs until the little one has arrived,my DIL had a 30hr labour then had to have a C section whilst I am sure this will not happen to you it is not the kind of place for GPs at a time like that.
They should be staying at a Hotel/B&B for the length of their visit and not with you and OH going home with a new born should be just the three of you.

Just popped on before heading into work - I'm going to reread all these replies, and the new ones from over the night! I swear this is not a wind up - and I'm so very sorry if it has come off that way!!!

I really do appreciate all of your advice - it has given me a lot to think about!

I agree with every other poster but I don't think anyone else has mentioned the tricks your hormones will be playing with your emotions at this precious time and that again is not a spectator sport. Before ALL others be kind to YOURSELF, you'll never get this time again.

Dear Kitty your husband doesn't know what's going to hit him! You will both be more exhausted than you can possibly imagine. If you have any problems getting breast feeding established he's going to have you and the baby crying. Endless nappy changing and the washing machine going flat out. The last thing you need is anyone staying no matter how well intentioned. Give yourselves a couple of weeks at least to get organised. As to being in the delivery room - even if this was allowed there will be things that you won't really want your parents seeing, never mind the in laws.

Hi Kitty and congratulations on your pregnancy. My daughter has just had her third baby and I was present for all three births at her request. Her mother in law was also present for the most recent labour, but as only two people were allowed for the birth she left the room as things moved on. My daughter decided what SHE wanted and we were all more than happy to accommodate her. In November my daughter in law will have her first baby and has already said that she doesn't want me or her mother present. That's also absolutely fine. So, decide what you want and then plan accordingly.
On or about the third day after birth expect to be very weepy. Expect to take a while to settle into breastfeeding. Expect a bit of an emotional roller coaster when baby comes along. Do you think you can manage your own emotions AND cope with the presence of four parents in your home? If you can, then I salute you!

First of all I would tell your husband that he is not to contact anybody until the baby is born if they all intend to turn up. If this fails tell the midwife you want just the two of you and her. Its lovely and I know how they feel but you are the one in control. In the old days when "recovery" apparently took for ever it was nice to have your mum around but now husbands get leave its often best to just get on with it and avoid any possible friction. Good luck.

Ah bless you Kittyella, you really shouldn't be having to consider what happens with the grandparents when you are about to give birth, regardless of how much they want to be involved from the word go this is a brand new and very special experience for you and your husband and you should not be worrying about hosting a houseful!

I agree with everyone here, ring them when the baby arrives , may not be what they have asked you to do but it's not actually their decision. Say they are welcome to come and stay at your house while you are in hospital for a few days but then either move in to a hotel or go home when you come back. it's not bad manners or rude to expect them to understand that you and your husband need your own space to find your feet and as you say you want to breast feed in private and considering a new baby will be latched onto you pretty much 24/7 you can't do this with 4 extra people staying.

We welcomed our first grandchild last year and although I could have spent every minute with her we respected the wishes of our son and DIL and although we were very welcome to visit regularly we also were not offended when they asked for some space as a family in the first few days of arriving home , our granddaughter was breast fed and believe me she was attached to mummy pretty much all the time in those first few months!

They are your family and they will understand, we all want to be involved in a new grandchilds life but it has to be within reason ?

Naturally, I don't know your parents' or in-laws' financial position but I do think that, if possible, they should stay in a hotel. It would be better if they made short visits to you at home. They ought to wait on you, you should not wait on them. Admittedly, I don't know their state of health.

I wish you the very best of luck with everything. Having a baby is hard at first but it is all worth it!!

Oh and just one other thing you may be sitting on a ring when you get out uncomfortable with stitches Hopefully you won’t but there’s all sort of little things, very sore breasts and as another poster said maybe tearful and feeling a bit low This is not meant to be scaremongering but it’s real life You and your husband need to bond with the little one before anyone else, these first couple of weeks are precious and shouldn’t be infiltrated by others

I think you need to consider just what is happening - this is key time to bond with your new baby. Not time to wonder who is going to cook dinner and wash up! Tell them you will invite them when you feel up to having guests. The idea of having to fight to get time to care for your baby is just unreasonable, not good for you or the new arrival. Take charge, be firm, make sure your husband is singing from the same sheet.

I think that you and your husband need time together with your baby without having to think about anyone else for the first few days. That doesn’t mean that grandparents aren’t welcome to see the baby but I do think it should be a short visit on your terms until you are rested and able to deal with visitors. As others have said the arrival of a first baby is wonderful but also overwhelming and it’s likely to take a time to acclimatise to the new dynamic. You need time to settle and you, your husband and your baby are more important than anything else for the first few days.

Oh Kitty, you sound like a lovely, caring daughter and daughter in law, but you must put yourself and baby first. What on earth is DH thinking, everyone in the delivery room. No! You must decide who you would like in the delivery room. You don’t have to have anyone in if that’s what you prefer, but most expectant mums want their partner. If you want your mum, and many do, please do not feel that this would oblige you to have your MiL. You do not have to show equality with this particular experience, MiL would just have to accept it. You choose who you want, nobody else.

Now for the guests, they absolutely must stay in a hotel or B+B. It is completely unreasonable to even consider having four extra people in your home just as you have given birth. When they visit, they must be prepared to make meals, wash up, clean, do the laundry and shopping etc. And of course, they should have little cuddles of the baby, and begin to make a relationship with him/her. You must feel free to sleep, rest, breast feed your baby in privacy, and to decide when your baby is put in the cot to rest.

You are such a lovely, considerate person, but please consider yourself and your baby first.

Yes Kitty, you really seem to be a lovely girl, wanting to please everybody. But everyone being there at the same time is a logistical nightmare.
When my first Gson was born, myself and her husband's parents went to the hospital to visit at the same time....I remember holding the baby for perhaps too long and my daughter said "mum, don't hog the baby, let J hold him as well" . I was told...my daughter has always been fair and even though I was her mother,she didn't let me take priority.
As for daughterinlaw2, she had her mother in the delivery room along with her husband (my son) . I actually felt bad for him..it's a private moment between husband and wife.

During both my labours, my H managed to p*ss me off enough that I told him to leave for part of it. (The midwives confirmed later that if I hadn’t tossed him, they would.)

I am told I also asked for my dog on both occasions as matters approached the sharp end.

I am not by nature or practice a narky person or easily irritated, but the point I am making is that you will be in a fair bit of pain and frankly you won’t have your Nice Happy face on. This is not a time and place to be trying to conduct a visit of all parents. You have a job to do, and the sole role of everyone around you is to help you do that as safely as possible.

Now, afterwards, you will be sore. You will also be hit with a hormone dump like you have never felt before, you will be tired, and quite honestly, there’s a fair chance that at least for periods, you’ll want everyone to b*gger off and leave you and your baby alone for a while.

Now you’ve said your mum is a bit touchy. I don’t know how you get on with your ILs, but having the entire grandparent coterie in your home 24/7 exponentially increases the chance that you, DH, and any or all of the GPs are going to have a massive row that will affect your relationships long term.

I had one of those. It wasn’t pretty. The ripples from that rock being thrown in the pond took a long time to die away.

Don’t set yourself up for trouble here. Make certain you have space and time of your own. You need to heal and baby needs you.