How can I comfort her?

It's a very sad time for your DD. I was left after 32 years, over 2 years ago. What really struck me was how supportive most people were to me, without badmouthing my now EX. I was struggling enough without having to deal with any negativity towards EX. Given time, your DD will get angry, but just be kind and gentle with her at the moment.

This happened to my dd, SIL left when baby was 2, because he didn't get enough attention. The only thing to do is be there for her, make no judgement but let the hurt filter through until the dust settles. When this happens and there was no reconciliation, after 2 years, my DD woke up and took control. At no time did any of the family make negative remarks, mainly for the sake of the child. It was never discussed but accepted that he was an selfish pig. Now 11 years on, he has not changed, never grow up. His son sees him every other weekend etc because DD did not want him to hero worship his father on the grounds he will see the real person eventually. So he is tolerated for the sake of our grandson. We are all polite but secretly hoping it will end someday but unfortunately this will not happen unless grandson wants it too.
It just makes my blood boil that such men can get away with abandoning their family and responsibilities, as to this date he has paid nothing for the up keep of his son, but that is discussion for another day.

Pamela - you must be so glad you kept your thoughts to yourself!

I agree with everyone else about not speaking your mind.
Just be steady and supportive.
Let’s hope the summer break allows your daughter time to recover a little from the pain and hurt and make some sort of plan for the future.

I know you are angry right now, but I think I must speak up in defence of men as I don’t think it’s quite fair to say “ like most men, he keeps his brain in his trousers” - though clearly, some men appear to...

I hope things settle for your family soon. Good luck.

It’s very hard for us Mums in this scenario as we are like tigresses when anyone hurts our babies ! We want to heal their pain and seriously damage the cause of that pain. My DD had a baby with a man she adored but he was leading a double life and able to get away with it because he travelled internationally with his own Company. She found out and dumped him but was inconsolable for ages. Karma did ensue tho, 4 years later when she had met and was about to marry a lovely man ... baby father found out somehow and begged her not to marry, voicing regrets and saying how sorry he was and he still loved her etc She emailed him the most amazing response “ you ripped my heart out, you left me penniless and with a little boy asking me where his Daddy has gone .... there is no going back from that”. She is now blissfully happy and our little man has a new Daddy who is just lovely. Let your DD work thro her pain her own way and just be there, unfortunately it’s all we can do.

This happened to my daughter. Be supportive, listen and give practical help and lots of love. Try to separate the deed from the person - he has done a terrible thing but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person and get her to see this. My daughter was reconciled eventually and taking this stance means that I can have a relationship with my SIL which is very important for the GC.
As someone else has said - voice your opinions if you need to to a third party good friend, not to your daughter.

He is feeling neglected?
So he leaves his wife and three year old child so he can attend to his own needs, instead of staying and sorting it out with his wife particularly as she won't be at work for the next five weeks, and can devote all her attention to him!

As hard as it is, just listen, listen and listen. Do not judge anyone, do not offer guidance, simply let her talk, cry, scream or do whatever she needs. I wish you all well, it is a thankless situation.

"Someone he can open up to" sounds like he's feeling neglected. I suspect having a teaching career and a three year old doesn't leave much spare time. Maybe the sadness is because she knows why this has happened. Don't be too quick to judge him.

Another one here who thinks you have had good advice. Just one thing to add, at some point they will have to discuss practicalities, assuming they don't get back together, and it will be a lot easier for her to discuss matters with you if she knows you will listen and not judge. Things like sorting out child maintenance, child contact, who gets what from the family home etc. If you have made her feel she can't discuss him with you it will be a lot harder for her.

I can sympathise, you probably would like to do him physical harm right now but just try to keep that to yourself.

Yes it is sad and I've lived through it with mine.
You have been given the best advice from others and I agree totally with the way nothing ..think it but don't say it even if your daughter says things to you ..bite your tongue!

I endorse all the advice on here about not criticising the errant husband to your daughter and grandchild, just listening and doing what you can to restore her self-esteem.
When I went through particularly awful periods with my then husband I remember my mother, (who would cheerfully have strangled him with her bare hands) saying; well one thing, Easy, you can never say you have a dull life. Strangely, that cheered me up.
I was also gratified when my 40 -plus son commented recently that I never ever slagged off Dad or made them feel guilty about seeing him. It was worth all the gritted teeth, particularly as they now see him for what he is.

All that being said, don't you just long to take these self-regarding spouses, push them hard against a wall, and tell them to stop blathering about 'finding themselves and opening up to somebody;' just GROW UP.

So much very good advice here. Yes I agree, listen, listen and listen. Hugs, shoulder to cry on, practical help all good. Don't say awful things about him to her as they just might get back together and your words will ring in her ears. Also, good advice, don't say anything about your grandchild's father. That could come back and bite you somewhere that will hurt. Similar situation here, she hasn't taken him back but they are trying to co-parent the child, so are in constant contact with each other. Good luck. Different new partners coming and going like a revolving door, but still trying to co-parent. Careful.

Hugs and lots and lots of practical support. Do whatever your daughter and the little ones need and you are able to offer. Whatever your feelings about your sil he is the children's father and will always be part of their lives in some way. Don't add to the confusion. Vent your own anger and sadness to other friends not your daughter.

Initially in a situation like this the biggest challenge for your daughter will just keeping her head above water, putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get everyone through each day in a reasonably OK way. The soul searching comes later. There are hard times ahead. Good luck to all of you. ?

Just be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for listening and arms for hugs. You will need lots of patience, tissues and probably wine.

Whatever you feelings towards him please keep to yourself as if they reconcile your words can never be unheard.

Sending you and your family hugs ???

It has been said by everyone, I have been in this position too, support your daughter and granddaughter, no derogatory comments about your son in law ( under your breath ) he is the child's father and he may well return to the family. Let your daughter talk about things to you but just offer advice not criticism. It's difficult I know so good luck.

You can best comfort your daughter by following the advice here, don't try to 'help her see what a vile thing he is'. She has loved and probably still loves this man. He is the father of their child and that in itself can often be a real pull to both in a couple, to try and make things work out.
You can comfort her by listening, trying to avoid passing judgement and in the traditional way of taking casseroles (or maybe salads in this heat) and taking some of the daily grind off her shoulders. Days out to places your grand daughter can enjoy. It's lucky that she's a teacher with a reasonable length of time largely away from work now to give her time to reflect and process what she wants to happen next.

My son in law left my DD when she was 7 months pregnant.
She was devastated.
He came back when DGS was 15months old and they seem to be a happy family now.
There was a lot I could have said but, luckily, I didn’t.
Just keep coming on here and saying whatever you like about him. Don’t tell her.

I echo the previous sentiments. If nothing else, he was your DD's husband and your GD's father.

Parents should never get involved in their AC's romantic relationships or marriages, and AC should never ask their parents to get involved (apart from maybe asking for a bride's hand if one feels that would be appropriate). A parent's instinct is always to protect a child, and realistically, in most cases there are at least two sides to every story.

Moreover there is your GD to consider. That's her daddy and he still has a responsibility to her, regardless of what happens between him and her mother. Most children love their parents even if the parents aren't good people.

You must never speak badly of him to your daughter or your granddaughter. Keep your opinions to yourself. It's the only way - just show your love and sympathy but never bad-mouth him to either of them.

My ex DIL is a tramp and trash, she's had more men than I've had hot dinners, but to the children I say nothing but respectful comments about her - she is their mother and I must never forget that.

Lots of love and practical support, and assure her she’s a lovely person.

Do not under any circumstances slag him off because he may well change his mind and she'll take him back. Remain neutral and deal with the practicalities, stay well out of the relationship. You may think he's vile and she may come to think it but whatever you think he's still Dad to her children and they shouldn't be encouraged to see him in a less than positive light.

Everybody seems to have given you good advice.

I wish your daughter well and, if she wants him back, I hope it happens for her. Much depends, I suppose, on how he has treated her before the possible adultery.

Ruby made a good point. Yes, important to say nothing to the GD because, as she gets older, her father may be more important to her than a grandparent and, statistically (age), she is likely to know him longer. This is if he keeps in touch with his child of course.

I hope everything turns out well for you all. Your daughter must be very shocked.

Been in the same position. Be there to help and support. As others have said, think what you like but say little. Never, ever make any derogatory comments to your grand child about her father. Difficult, when you could cheerfully strangle him but has to be done.

I am in the same position as you Jayemwhite. My ex s.i.l. is a total waste of space.... My daughter knows how I feel about him but as you say, I think she still loves him despite the fact he has another woman and has a baby with her. There's no way they will get back together. My daughter doesn't seem to get angry....she was heartbroken. It's almost 2 years now and I think she still holds a torch for him. I get really mad. I try not to say anything to her in front of her children. For example, she has gone away with work and they are staying with me. I adore them, but why isn't their Dad doing some parenting?