Friends

I've recently had to reassess a very long friendship which seems to have fizzled out because my friend is now very close friends with someone else.

Sadly, I've had to come to the conclusion that friendships change and people's needs change, and I'm just not 'fun' enough for my friend's current needs.

I doubt the new friend has actually lied about me, but she did have a massive go at me about losing weight out of the blue so I don't think she has much respect for me. But I don't need her to think highly of me!

In the past, when I've been lied about, I've tended to think it reflects badly off the person who knows me well but still chooses to believe the lies.

You cannot expect people to behave as you expect them to behave.
Just as you think your loyalty to your friend should count, it does not supersede her perceived loyalty to someone 'needy'.
You cannot and should not expect exclusivity and your friend has obviously assured you that she doesn't believe the lies told about you.
Words are just words. Shrug it off and don't look on FB to see what she's up to. It's none of your business.

GabriellG’s post begins “You cannot expect people to behave as you expect them to behave”. These are very wise words and almost the same as the advice a close friend gave me 35 years ago. She preceded them with, “You have very high standards of behaviour but ......”. When I am disappointed by other people I try to remember them and it helps me to shrug it off.

Looking at people’s lives on FaceBook is never a good idea as much of it is embellished.

Ellie Anne this has happened to me twice and both times the person spreading the lies was someone I had been particularly helpful to. It’s very painful but at least the lies are being recognised and acknowledged as such.What worked for me was recognising that I felt hurt and had good reason to and then concentrating on being kind to myself, going places, sometimes on my own, and joining groups where I could make other friends and involve myself in other activities. I can understand your compulsion to look at them on FB though it really isn’t helping. Maybe a few fulsome messages about how glad you are that they’re having such a good time would disrupt things.

I've got several friends depending on the various activities and relationships developed over the years but I don't ever get too close. Perhaps this is strange but I'm quite an independent person and whilst I enjoy the friendships I'd never rely on them. The funny thing is that I'm invited to all sorts of events with friends even though we're not - in my view - particularly close, and we do have a great time.

So, Ellie Anne if you still enjoy your friendship, go with it and forget the facebook side of things OR as others have suggested enjoy forging other friendships.

Thank you for your input. I do have other friends but this friendship has built up over years and is a bit special. This other person wants to be my friend s only friend and had also tried to come between her and her daughter. Friends daughter can’t stand her . I think I will speak to my friend and try to explain how hurtful I am finding it. Sorry that some of you think I’m behaving like a teenager but you can feel hurt at any age.

Hi Ellie Anne, perhaps your friendship has run it's course and you need to make other friends. I don't mean ignore your previous friend, she knows where you are if she needs you, but make your life more interesting with other people and leave them to it. It's your life too, so have some fun and spread your wings a bit. Good luck.

Walk away, life’s just too short ...

If she is a special long term friend I wonder if you step back for a bit, try not to look at the Facebook posts and don't rush to see her but if she contacts you and you are free perhaps meet up, don't ask about the other lady. The only thing that I find slightly odd is that I wonder what she is getting out of telling you this other woman is spreading lies about you it does sound very teenagerish. Do have a go at making other friends yourself.

Lulu
August I wondered that too. But I’m glad she did because it meant I could set the record straight. What is upsetting me is that I’m sure she’ll have spread the lies and I don’t know who to.

If your friend knows it's lies and doesn't tell her to stop she's not your friend at all

You should be saying Bye ,bye to this woman Ellie-Anne. I would.

Ellie Anne couple of things you might want to think about that might give you some insight into your situation.

You are feeling hurt and I understand that and I am sad when people go through these situations. Firstly I'm guessing you feel that you have been unfairly treated. Going on what you've said you have been unfairly treated and yes that hurts. Now what do you want to do to keep you safe?

If you start by accepting you are feeling hurt and saddened by the situation then you can do the best you can to take care of you and your feelings. There have been some very good suggestions already but how you take the best care of yourself and your feelings is up to you.

If I have understood your post your friends family is chaotic and destructive, prison, drugs etc. Therefore, there will be a lot of "Drama" around her and in her life. Her telling you that the other person is telling lies about you just keeps the "Drama" going.

It's the energy, the hight, the power, that people get from these situations that feeds them.

Your feelings Do Not count.

No-ones feelings count, people get hurt but that won't stop them. Being Queen Bee, centre of attention is what drives these situations and you can either stay and get hurt or step away and let the circus of these two women go on without you.

Also "seems" to me as if your friend has (may be out of awareness) set up a situation were she gets you and the other person to compete for her friendship. It's an emotional tug of war if you will.

In my hardest terms I'd say there is emotional blackmail going on but I could be wrong.

I'm also wondering if your friend feels "Inferior" to you as you have been the steady, helpful, supportive friend in the past (the donkey) when she has needed you. And may be now with this other friend she can feel "Superior".

As someone has already said, you know things that may be the other friend doesn't. I'm guessing you given lots of sympathy and support as things were happening but with this other person she may get lots more sympathy and support for what's happened in the past. If she tries to re-tell, re-work past situations with you to get fresh sympathy or to tidy things up you will be on to her. This other person may not be and so the "Drama" goes on.

Do you really want to be part of that emotionally damaging circus? What will you miss if she isn't in your life? Were you Valuable as a friend or were you just Useful???

Because when you strip all the noise away that's the big question. Was I Valuable or was I just Useful ?

If you have put yourself in past positions to be taken advantage of (for the best of reasons) now is the time when you can see "What's Real, What's Not Real and How to Tell the Difference" (Terry Pratchett).

Then you can get on taking care of you and your feelings because one thing I'll put money on (and I don'r bet) is that your friend is more interested in being in the middle of lots of "drama' than of giving a hoot about your feelings.

If you are inclined to talk to her about how hurt you are I'm guessing you will just be feeding her ego by showing her how important she is and confirming to her how easy it is to hurt you. But as always the choice of how you go forward is yours.

Think about how to take care of You from here forward. I wish you the very best of outcomes.

Oh and if you want a bit of insight goggle The Drams Triangle.

What lies are these exactly? Does this lady have her own version of everything? Some people come out with what suits at the time and lose track of the truth. I'd feel better 8nformed with some detail.why don't you deal with the liar yourself?

I had a long term friend who's ego began to take over the personality I knew and loved. I thought we'd be friends forever - not so.

One day I got so annoyed with her behaviour I just told her straight, and there ended the friendship.

Both of us have tried to renew our friendship, but we both know we have changed over time, and we cannot bring back the closeness we once shared (I am married with children/grandchildren, she is still very much single).

I guess some friendships will fall by the wayside as time goes on, but that musn't stop us from getting on with our lives and seeking fresh experiences. Perhaps this is a time for you.

I think my question has been answered, they both thrive on drama. If that is the case you may be better off keeping right out of it, it is upsetting for you, only you can judge really.

There's a reason for the expression "three's a crowd". While one might hope that we grow out of the school playground "best friend" situation, I have noticed that the behaviour in a two-person friendship can change when a third person is present.

I have a very good friend I see a lot of. We have much in common and a great bond and yet, in one of our social groups, in the presence of a particular third person, I become the butt of jokes between the two of them. Almost everything I say is ridiculed. It's the most bizarre thing as both women are intelligent, professional and extremely nice in their own right but together they form a unit of attack like schoolgirls ganging up in the playground.

It's irritating but I shrug and tolerate it as a weird characteristic of social dynamics.

Melting macaron the three of us are never together as I do not like this other woman at all. I used to make a n effort to be friendly if we were at the same thing but since she has started this nonsense I stay away.basically she wants my friend to herself. She resents any time my f spends with her family or other friends. Whereas friend and I both have family and other interests. If she is visiting often uninvited, and other people come in
She goes in a huff!!

It's hard to understand why your long-term friend is so enamoured of this third party particularly if she is aware that the latter is fabricating things about you. It's hard but best just to let them get on with it. Don't let them know you are upset. Enjoy the things you like to do and new friends will fill the void they leave.

Some people do jump into friendships quickly.
Someone comes along and can do no wrong... for a while, at least.

Ellie Anne I don’t think you are behaving like a teenager, I think this “three’s a crowd” thing can happen at any age. Don’t be even more hurt by comments like that.
My only thoughts are that you should unfollow your friend on FB straightaway and then that nonsense will be done away with - FB is the most false forum ever. Also please try to concentrate on the friendships that are enriching your life. I recently took the advice of a friend when, after ending a twenty-odd year friendship, I remained on “friendly terms” with her. No bad atmosphere and the knowledge of having done the right thing.
I really hope you can get over the hurt of this and have happy times with better friends.

I'd find it difficult not to confront the one who's been telling lies - and I certainly wouldn't speak to her again afterwards.

I think I would ignore it. Chances are your friend will in due course come to know the nasty side of this person.

Lynne we are in the same church so it’s tricky. But if the opportunity arises I will say something.

I totally agree with Allsortsofbags take on the situation. Mind games.