Living with someone with strongly opposing political views

I don't think I have ever seen people more divided over politics than I do now. I agree that's because it's not just about politics but about core viewpoints. And viewpoints seem to be becoming more and more extreme.

OP, sorry to say, you might want to think about whether or not you wish to stay in this relationship. Are other parts of your relationship so good that you would be unhappy without him? Or does this difference in world views overshadow everything else. If it still means a lot to you to be with him, then avoid the subject of politics, especially Brexit. If you could live more or less happily without him and would like the chance to find a more like-minded partner, then, IMO, it's time to start thinking about moving on.

I think the referendum brought out the worst in lots of people, people I have known for years have come out with comments & beliefs that I have found shocking & would not have believed it of them if I hadn’t heard it myself.

(Whoops I lost some words from that post.)

I could not live with someone who did not have very similar views on on how we want the world to work.
Justice, kindness and tolerance. etc

I could not are very different to mine.
Its not just ones politics as in who you vote for, but more about your views on life.

I think the OP's partner, in spite of being intelligent, has an emotional connection with his brexit vote which is strengthened by his daily dose of the Torygraph and makes him dig in his heels. Deep down, he may be feeling more and more uneasy about the probable outcome, but in the face of the OP's logical and factual comments, he gets more and more extreme. Unfortunately the brexit issue, almost uniquely in our lifetimes, has aroused irrational reactions in many people.

I think, for the sake of their future relationship, the OP must try hard not to blame him personally and not to say "I told you so" if it goes ahead and turns out to be as disastrous as it looks now.

I cannot imagine how I could be in a close relationship with someone who did not share the same fundamental values as me and that would include political outlook. Such an important part of who I am.

have I missed something?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Couples have to be able to discuss even taboo subjects ( sex, politics, religion, Brexit ) without falling out, even if this means one or other changing the subject. Respecting each other's point of view is a big part of having a good relationship.
Having said that activists of any persuasion are very unlikely to be able to live with a partner of the opposite view. Brexit is not one of those issues an activist can influence, however passionate we are in either direction we cannot influence the outcome, either a deal will be done or it won't.

Just to say that I'm in the 'it isn't about Brexit' camp. It's about a general view of the world, and respect.
DH and I have disagreed over the years about politics, but we have always respected each other, listened carefully and thoughtfully, and we do, broadly speaking, have a similar world view.
In a some social situations, it may make sense to avoid religion and politics to enable everyone to have a nice time, or to get a job done. But a relationship in which we didn't debate things that are at the heart of our character and beliefs, seems sterile to me.

Both of these statements are true.

It is interesting to see you took the trouble to check!

Varian
i only have one good friend who admits to voting leave
On Dec 15, you stated:
the eu referendum cemented the views of all our extended family and close friends

I suppose that could apply to remainers too - that is a moot point.

Just saying in the interests of fairness.

Susie Dent has a good word for leavers-

A reminder that a 'mumpsimus' (1500s) is someone who sticks obstinately to their beliefs, in spite of clear evidence that they are wrong.

Hopefully, come next March they will finally accept the inevitable when we leave the EU.

We have friends who voted Leave and friends who voted Remain ( like most people) their votes are not ‘elephants in the room’ but simply * their* votes, to which they are entitled.
I would hate to have such peculiar friends that they are so incensed over the Brexit vote not going their way that they virtually make a leper of you.
I think the referendum brought out the worst in some Remainers.

I only have one good friend who admits to having voted leave and I try not to fall out with her. She is not that interested in politics and but seems to have been influenced by people who she sees regularly who read the Daily Mail.

Her husband and ACs all voted Remain and have told her she has made a big mistake but none of us push her to admit it. If we are together and someone mentions brexit, her vote is like the elephant in the room.

NEZUM You explained it all so articulately. It's the values involved in the Brexit issue.

"people can believe and do different things without any harm at all."

Sometimes harm can be caused by beliefs and voting.
If someone genuinely thinks that a wrong decision has been made, and that harm may come from it, they are not being unreasonable.

Even if the OP's DH does think that her view is wrong, tho, ridiculing her opinions is unlikely to persuade her.

I could never just say ‘yes dear’ if my husband was talking utter crap (imo). Especially if it was about something I felt was important. I save ‘yes dear’ for him carrying on about work or traffic.

We’re both liberals. I’m probably slightly more socialist than him. One subject we completely disagree with each other about is nursing fees. Have had many a discussion about it over the years (in that case he’s maybe more socialist than me). Sometimes we get cross with each other, but it’s a minor topic and doesn’t indicate a fundamental difference in beliefs.

But I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had completely different values than me - and having different political stances can indicate different values.

The good friend who is an extreme brexiteer has been ravingly anti-Europe in the 30 years I’ve known him. We have always had jokey conversations about it and his objection to Europe is driven by right with Tory ideology. It’s a largely anti-big-State/economic approach which I don’t agree with, but doesn’t clash with my values. I don’t think I could have a relationship with him because the economic impact of Brexit is likely to be disastrous to my severely disabled son and I would get too frustrated with someone spouting about the marvellous opportunities constantly in my own home, but I have no problem with a funny chat over dinner or a sarcastic exchange on social media. And tbh a relationship could be possible in that sort of circumstance if it was agreed a topic to be avoided because it wouldn’t indicate different core values

I really would struggle with the ‘immigrants out’ brigade though. Or the ones who think it’s acceptable to see Northern Ireland burn. Or the ones who just don’t like ‘forriners’.

So for OP I think you need to decide whether you have s clash of values or clash of politics. Clash of politics is probably something that can be repaired, clash of values probably can’t.

My husband and I don't agree on everything, politically speaking, but we do have broadly similar views on a lot of things. We voted differently in the EU referendum - he to leave and me to stay. We do argue about it sometimes but in many ways I see his point of view. However, his reasons were not those that are typically highlighted - immigration "taking back control", etc. etc.

I'm not sure I would have been attracted to someone whose views were diametrically opposed to my own beliefs - it would indicate a completely different approach to life and other people, and I think would be bound to cause friction at some point.

I’m still reeling over the post from craftycat - you actually got the opportunity to vote twice. I really, really try not to sit in judgement of people ‘until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins’ but in this case I find your husband’s attitude to such an important and far reaching issue as the EU referendum both appalling and totally irresponsible.

It used to be a middle class rule never to discuss religion or politics at the table to avoid conflict and rudeness. The same thing can be adapted for the preservation of peace in a relationship if squabbling is the current mode of life.

Polemical views and extreme positions are rarely entirely right and are not worth ruining a good relationship. The truth in any given situation is often nuanced, fluid and dynamic. An issue like leaving the EU is so complex that to boil it down to either Brexit or Remain is fraught with difficulties and is bound to cause conflict if it becomes a faith based issue rather than an ongoing and rational matter.

My DH and I voted differently but have not rowed about it once though one of our children was so upset by the result and by my vote it took her days to realise she was going to lose her family unless she came off her high horse, stopped abusing us and acknowledged that people can believe and do different things without any harm at all.

It is a measure of how irrational things had become that my DD was angry at both of her parents when one of them actually voted the same way as she had. She was even more
angry, for a while, that we were urging her to calm down and be reasonable.

I sometimes think that politics today is about scapegoating for many people and it is handy to have someone to blame and abuse. That being the case, take politics off the agenda and find some topics which will cause peace and harmony.

No dont chat about politics etc,just go with the flow

‘He is an intelligent and well educated man’ who reads the telegraph. Just wondering if this means that you are not an intelligent and well educated woman.