He stresses me out sometimes, ocd and retired

He suffers with in my words ocd, his words routine.
He does sound like a man who needs a very structured routine which I understand could be very irritating, especially if you are more of a spontaneous person.

Has this happened since he retired or has he always been like this? Perhaps, when working, he had a structure to his day and now finds that he needs that otherwise he could become like some retired men who do nothing much at all. There are Gransnetters who complain that their OHs just slump in a chair and watch tv after retiring, having lost interest in anything.

DH was not a happy retiree until I encouraged him to get out and about and do voluntary work - now he's out more than me.

Perhaps he needs to find an interest so that his routine becomes less rigid.

OCD is an illness and is quite disabling.

Nic28
Why 2 lots of washing per day? A bit much, isn't it?

Feeling sorry for yourself? Get over it, go out to meet other people. Maybe join a couple of clubs. If all fails leave him.

Sounds dreadful. You must be on edge all day waiting for him to perform his ‘rituals’! I have a friend who is a bit ocd and whenever he reads a newspaper he has to lick his fingertips afterwards. The anticipation of waiting for him to do it drives me nuts. I asked him why he did it once and he got quite cross and said it was becos the ink got on his hands! Now I keep newspaper hidden when he visits.

Would either of you be willing to do voluntary work? I got my husband into working at a museum, he loved it and it became almost a full time job for him. I do not see how two people can be together all day every day without getting on each others nerves.
As you get older there are bound to be routines as you have worked out the best/easiest/most efficient ways of doing things. OCD is much more that having a routine.

That does sound difficult but I think you have to try to not get swept up in it any more than you can avoid.
I would make a short list for shopping the day before to hand him and then, if I thought of anything else, go out and get it myself. If you used to do the shopping yourself and still want to, just do some yourself and let him do what he wants to do. If you don't want to eat when he does, would he eat his on his own? I wouldn't often be able to eat lunch before 12. You obviously have to be careful how you deal with OCD because you don't want to make his anxiety worse but you have to be able to cope yourself.
I agree with people who have suggested that you see a doctor about your depression. Apart from anything else you can always blame the doctor if you don't want to do something his way.
If he is washing clothes twice a day, I hope he is doing the ironing! I would be a bit peeved to say the least if someone was creating more ironing for me to do.

I am new here, and have difficulty following posts using all the initials - is there a list so I can refer to it?

He sounds obsessional about cleaning. And using the washing machine twice daily, I hope he's got the cash to keep replacing them! I try and give mine a rest for 3 days a week, washing machine that is.

Maybe we have OCD .
I love routine.
Work in the mornings includes gardening or shopping -relax in the afternoon.
Light lunches depend on which day of the week it is.
For example Monday it is poached eggs.
Evening meals - often similar.
Tuesday and Saturday we have fish -sole or sea bass.
Always have a pudding.
Since I prefer vegetarian food I ask DH as we are having our morning cuppa in bed -another routine- what he would like for his evening meal.
Most meals are at the same time each day.
Suits us down to the ground.

It sounds like an unhappy situation for all of you, particularly your son who can't afford to move out. To be honest, he doesn't sound too bad - are you sure it's not your anxieties that make the problem worse? On the one hand you say

hardly ever stays around the house unless he wants to wash the cars or cut the hedges. And then

It’s just hard when there’s one sitting room, to get away for me time

He shops, walks, goes out on his bike - how much 'me' time do you want? There some on here whose curmudgeonly husbands don't lift a finger and sit and watch TV all day!

ladyinspain welcome. Yes it is a bit confusing to start with. If you look at the bottom of the page you will see the word Acronyms in blue. Click on that and it will take you to a page where you can see what they all are.

Your partner actually seems to do a lot around the house but what do three people need washing twice a day! All that detergent and water waste is very bad for the environment!
When he puts on the oven tell him you are not ready to eat so he'll have to prepare what he wants himself and you'll eat later. When he asks what's needed from the shops tell him to look in the cupboard and decide if anything is needed. Just remind him of your words when he does it the next day and then ignore the requests from there after, he's not deaf.
You are feeding his habits so stop doing it but he is probably jealous of your relationship with your son and has more time to witness it now he's retired. To walk through you when you talk to your son is very rude behaviour and you should tell him so.

I would find it incredibly stressful, living with someone with such strict routines.
I'm sure it fulfils your husband in some way, but I absolutely can't stand having life mapped out if it doesn't need to be.
I went on holiday with a friend who imposed her own timetable onto me, and I felt quite murderous at times!

Sounds to me like your DH has Asperger Syndrome rather than OCD. People with OCD realise how awkward their rituals are to others and usually wish they could be rid of them. Do google Asperger Syndrome (AS) and see if more of the symptoms fit. Having said that, each & every person with AS is an individual, however, the need for order and routine is a common feature. People with AS find it comforting and it reduces their anxiety.

Agree with Thirdinline that it sounds more like Asperger’s than OCD, though that probably doesn’t help cope with it unless both partners in relationship like routine, like Lancslass1.

Whatever the cause of the behaviour, some of the advice from other posters might be useful.

I agree with Willow10 get some help for your depression and anxiety Nic28 and you will see things more clearly. Sounds like your partner is trying to keep some structure to his life as there have been a lot of changes. Not everyone copes well with change and perhaps you both need to talk about your expectations of being together.

I think his security goes back to his mum leaving his dad .
Kids stayed with dad then aged him 19 sisters 13 & 10
He was on his own with both parents for first 6 yrs, he was always very very maticulas about his toys would always put them back into the boxes all neat and tidy (his words)
Sisters weren’t allowed in his room, also went out when older perfect. If anybody touched his things at home he’d go mad. Very very careful with his precession.

Even now living together for 16 years, There’s things he won’t let me touch. His car, he would rather take me than let me use it, where as he just get in mine( I don’t care) go in his side of wardrobe, he knows everything is set out precisely and would know if I moved anything.
Hides things so we can’t use them( well prob son) creams, moisturiser etc.
If I buy choc bars, he will hide his if he doesn’t want it then, so nobody else can eat it without him having one.

It’s probably a bit of both, ocd and routine, as he always says I’ve worked for 40 yrs I’m not just going to sit around the house. Not that I want him to, unless he’s doing something diy house wise. Otherwise he’s like a cat on hot bricks, up and down the stairs, round the front/back garden, telling who’s gone out, what cars are in the street etc.

He does have hobbies, tennis, motorbikes (weather permitting, doesnt like getting bike wet) pedal bike, watching on tv, although not for long, tennis, motorbikes, animal things.
Will not volunteer, well he does speedway ever week he loves them.

Not interested in anything I suggest doing together ie
Gym, swimming (he can’t swim) classes like. Yoga,Pilates or Zumba just things for a laugh to do.

It’s very hard for me at the moment with anxiety/depression bout (had it on/off since 22 now 60)
Anxiety can stop me doing/ going places sometimes. But he still goes out.
Yes I’m on meds, seen many people over the years. Currently upping meds at mo, so up and down.
I also think he suffers with anxiety but not to my extent where I can’t get out sometimes

He as no kids, and there’s not a chance he would leave his money to my son, even though they get on.
His moto is I got nothing/ no help of my mum or dad.
Where as my mum(widowed very young) with 5 kids, would if she had the money always ask are you ok.

We do get on and have a laugh, but like most couples have our arguments also. Mainly money( me asking for half of something I bought for house) or him taking over house things like we don’t live there and it’s him alone( routine he says) and if I do anything for son, he will mention sometimes. Doesn’t matter how many times I mentioned things like washing, he will turn it round sarcastic and say I’ll ask permission first then. Or I say if sons door is shut
Please knock before going in (I do) no not him just walks in
Told him loads off times.

It’s so bloody hard somedays, I need to switch off and learn to say no and say I don’t like routine to a set time.

I have experience of OCD and this doesn’t sound like it. For example, if your husband varied in his routine would he expect something disastrous to happen? I hope not for both your sakes, and if you still think it’s OCD, do see your GP, either with or without him.
Sounds like he used to live a regimented life and this is what helps him control his life.
Unfortunately it controls you too. You need to have a discussion.
Start to branch out yourself and do something unexpected. See how he reacts.

Perhaps his father had some of those personality traits which made him difficult to live with and is why his mother left.
I think some of this might be insecurity.

This sounds very serious to me Nic28. Personally, I couldn't live like this. You really need to seek help, both for yourself and your partner. It's all very well people saying 'what are you complaining about?' if your partner is cleaning, shopping, cooking etc. It is not a healthy situation if neither of you are happy with it. I suggest you both find a relationship counsellor who has experience in such matters. You can then both talk to her/him about your anxieties etc. If you love each other it is worthwhile, if not then it would be better, in my opinion, to go your own separate ways.

I can (sort of) understand the frustration with the putting on and removing biker gear. Not only was/is my ex keen on bikes (had 4, Norton Commando, Triumph Bonneville, Kawasaki and an HD) but there is a group who regularly stop for coffee in the nearby town and the palaver with helmet, gloves, walking round each other's bikes, jackets, scarves...adjusting this that and t'other. They then start up before everyone's ready and it's an almighty noise for a good 5 minutes.
Give me strength.
Mind you I have a friend who used to service my car and he invited me on his chapter's (Brighton) inaugural ride in March 2013. I went. There were police outriders and we spent the night in a hotel on the beach at Eastbourne. I add that I had a room with the only other female. It was fun.

I think you need to worry about your own emotional and mental health in order to get into a place where you can make life decisions about whether you can slot into his routine or need to get away. As to his view of your son, I think it is quite common even if he was the biological father as it is unusual for generations to live together. In the animal world he'd be physically fighting your son to get rid of him and asserting his authority. If it were me, when he complained that nothing was done for him when he was young, I'd probably just say in a light tone that you don't want to be that sort of Mum and it doesn't hurt to be helpful.

May I suggest that if you find it difficult to think about what you need in the first 10 minutes you've woken up, you direct your DP to a list you've written the night before. Just say, "No thank you," when he asks about putting the oven on. If he's that hungry, he'll carry on and cook his own meal.

I suspect he has always had a routine but because he was at work, it didn't effect you as much. Only you can decide how much his regimental outlook you can stand to live with; it might help you decide whether it is worth putting up with if you write a list of the things you enjoy about him and see where the balance lies.

Firstly, get help with your anxiety. Until you do, decisions will be dufficult. However consider: how did DP act at home and at work when he was employed. Was he so set in routine then? How did he cope at work? OCD doesn't just happen all of a sudden. Once retired there is a tendency to adopt a pattern if daily life just the same as you do when working. If you do not feel you can live with such a structured life you need to consider what you do want and move on.

Nic28 I sympathise with you but don’t think your husbands behaviour is OCD. You haven’t given any indication that he is afraid of consequences if he doesn’t follow his routine, which is common with OCD. I think his regimented behaviour is all about control born out of insecurity from his childhood. I also think it has the potential to get worse as he gets older if it remains unchallenged.
Also his attitude towards your son is very disrespectful and needs to be addressed. What does your son have to say to him, surely he can tell him not to be so rude when he walks between you and can insist he knocks on his bedroom door? He could always fit a lock to reinforce the point!

I think you both need to discuss what you each want from the relationship and try to reach a compromise. If you cant do that then maybe some form of counselling. The situation you describe is not going to improve by itself and your resentment will only fester. Good luck.

Otherwise he’s like a cat on hot bricks, up and down the stairs, round the front/back garden, telling who’s gone out, what cars are in the street etc.
Nic - this is the bit that I would find most difficult. One of my DS can be like that at times. I find it very stressful as you can't be relaxed when someone around you is so obviously agitated. I'm not sure if it is boredom, anxiety or something else.