He stresses me out sometimes, ocd and retired

I think for some people, actively doing something is the only way they can relax.
They just are not able to just 'be', they need action.
Me?
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits".

Nic28 - I wonder your don't go crazy. It sounds like something on an adult autism spectrum, everything HAVING to be done at specific times, specific routines, no variation,etc,etc.

A GP's intervention, perhaps? But men are buggers to get into a doctors surgery, and don't I know it!

Nic - washing machine twice a day? What does he wash? The same things again? It must put up your electric bills. Would he agree to once a day, to save money?
With problems like you and he have, one step at a time.
I only wash about 3 loads a week.

Irrelevant point perhaps, but if you wash the bedding what on earth is going into the machine twice a day? Even with towels after each of his two showers, that is odd. Only you can decide, but I don't think I could live such a life, on edge, irritated, questioned, pressurised from the moment I got up.

I’m surprised at the number of people on this thread and others who are diagnosing ASDs, OCD and other psychiatric disorders. These disorders are serious, uncommon and complex and need to be professionally diagnosed. They should not be slapped on as a label to describe behaviour that is irritating or annoying to the poster.

DoraMarr
Heartfelt agreement here.

And here DoraMarr It seems any behaviour which doesn't conform to a poster's idea of the norm is diagnosed as mental illness. This is dangerous and very frightening for the person concerned.

I cannot bear being organised by other people but I have learnt that living together is all about compromise. Even that is hard sometimes! I'd hate to feel pressured into running along the same lines as him at home and there being no flexibility. It really would make me scream I think.

Nic28 I would see the doctor about your anxiety and depression. If you suffer, his rigidity is only going to make you feel worse. If treatment makes you feel a bit better you perhaps can carve out a life for yourself and make a few friends and acquaintances? I think it's crucial that you get a life of your own away from his timetable. You could then discuss flexibility at mealtimes, say?

I sympathise that your son is also bearing the brunt of some hostility. It's hard for adults to have a grown up child at home when they are retired, especially if your partner resents him. That must hurt you too. It's a bit of a cleft stick really because son cannot afford to move out.

I do think the first step though is for you to find pastimes outside the house once you feel better. Either that or you ditch your fussy man! Try and turn circumstances on their head perhaps and see him as helpful, given he does chores and is quite active. I think sometimes we have to look for silver linings too. He cannot help being the way he is, it seems.

Good luck - and do go and see the doctor. Once you feel stronger you might be able to tolerate the life you have or make a few subtle changes to it.

Dora, couldn't agree more. It runs riot on other sites, where everybody has to have a syndrome.

DoraMarr no-one on this thread has diagnosed OP’s DH, for the very reasons you mention, I’m sure! By suggesting OP researches Asperger Syndrome, she can decide for herself whether this might be the more likely reason behind the behaviours she’s struggling to live with. Thence to access the help that is out there for her.

I agree DoraMarr - it seems to be rife on that other site

I said that:
OCD is an illness and is quite disabling. We have a young friend with this illness.

Nobody is for one second minimising the challenges faced by those with additional needs. It may be good to tread carefully with the terminology.

It may be good to tread carefully with the terminology.
I agree, oldbatty
These terms are thrown about nowadays without any realistic knowledge as to their proper meaning.

Totally agree oldbatty and Jalima1108.

I eat only when hungry, drink when thirsty and sleep when tired. Everything else when I feel like it, usually on the spur of the moment.

Not everybody has that luxury.