Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

You are not lucky, nor full of self pity. Not at all. You are someone who is in an abusive relationship and who is very unhappy. This man is sucking the joy and the life out of you, and destroying your self esteem. Please seek advice and take steps to leave, as soon as you can.

Make sure that you have all-important documents, especially financial documents such as bank accounts and pension details, and protect your assets (is there any way he could empty the account you have a joint account?). I would also seek advice from a solicitor.

Then, when you are ready and have somewhere to go (Women's Aid can help with this), just leave. Don't give him any advance warning or he could turn nasty. He is an abusive bully whose behaviour is likely to get worse.

As the old saying goes, "for better or for worse but not for lunch" or possibly breakfast and if things get really tricky maybe not for dinner either. Things do need to be renegotiated on retirement. Sometimes the busyness of our preretirement lives concealed the underlying issues which now have all the time in the world to emerge. Start with some big conversations and reflections about how you both would your life to be in this next phase. Is he on the same page, not reading the same book but prepared to give it a go or hasn't given it a moments thought? May be some treacherous waters ahead with occasional dragons sighted. Good luck.

Have just read earlier posts and updates more carefully and am amending my thoughts. My apologies. From what you have said he isn't on the same page, his behaviour is controlling and abusive and you do need to follow other posters advice and get some good advice and support for yourself. Look after yourself. ?

It's not about retirement or breakfast or the possibility that the husband is unwell. It is an abusive situation. He is preying on the fact that the lady has very low self esteem, which is a result of abuse during childhood. The move may add to the vulnerability. I would urge the lady to start in whatever way she likes, the GP, a friend, women's aid, the Samaritans. Please take action. You are worth so much more than this.

You need to tell someone in real life what is going on.

Please stay in the spare bedroom and get help quickly, your situation sounds terrifying, he is a nasty, controlling man.

Padine, I am so sorry to read about your relationship that has gone severley wrong. You mentioned about going to church, could you not talk to your minister, while you are waiting for an appointment to talk to an organisation that could help you. Lots of advice here from others to mull over, but please do something quickly.

All this behaviour is abusive. Controlling men don't change because they don't ever think they are wrong. Abusers say you "make" them do it because of your own behaviour. Please leave whilst you can. I speak as someone who was in a similar situation for a long time. Physical abuse accelerated at one point, when I initiated divorce to the point I thought I might be killed . My ex was arrested and charged with assault and was convicted.I gave evidence against him in court with the support of family and friends. I now live alone ( very happy) with a restraining order against him . Don't find yourself in the same place as me.

Does he have outside activities and interests the same as you do? If not, perhaps he resents you having other activities that take you away from him. Retirement is not the bed of Roses some make it out to be at times.

Padine
Time to say 'Goodbye'.
He won't change, not after 30+ years.
You have plenty of years ahead of you in which to enjoy life and the freedoms afforded by retirement and prudent financial decisions.
Why stay with a bully...unless, of course, you delight in being miserable and brought into line by a man whose only power, after retirement, is ordering your every move.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

My oh retired end of last year and I hate it. I'm still working and although very tired cannot bear the thought of being given at home with him. He has no hobbies (I do but no time to do them) no friends to go out with and despite there being loads of jobs around the house that he never had time to do he is doing things that don't need doing but not doing good what does. He taps his feet or fingers or whistles (never done that before!) & hums it drives me nuts. He is a bully but in a grind you down sort of way and despite working hard all my life for a lovely home/life I am at a point where I'm not quite sure if this can go on? I have been there for him/parents/kids etc and if I dare take any time for me an accused of being selfish. I feel that if I give up work that will he the end of me but I really need to rest so am stuck. If he has pulled your hair then that's a step too far and if mine did that he'd be splitting his considerable pension and moving out. What is it with these men?

Physical abuse is not something that you can live with for the rest of your life. You have plenty of friends and although you might find it difficult on your own to start with it does not sound
as if there would be much to miss. Abusive men don't get better as they get older.
It is important to decide how you want to live out your life before age makes this too difficult. Then to plan it carefully so that you don't end up losing out with things you are entitled to. If you can afford to, maybe go away for a couple of weeks. Get the sleep you need, go to see the agencies people have suggested and then decide in your own time what you need to do.
I find men who block your way frightening (and that is without them having been physically abusive to me). It is very intimidating behaviour. I have been in a car with a man who I know longer want to be with more than once and felt panicky when they don't open the door when I want them to. It is the kind of thing that they can do and then deny that they were doing anything or say that you are over reacting.
Buy a diary and record his behaviour.

Auntieflo
Just what good would talking to a minister do?

Padine do you have anywhere you could go for a few days, to a friend or family member? One of my closest friends suffered from the kind of behaviour from her OH that you are describing and she moved out for a week into a B&B. It seemed to radically change the situation, when her husband suddenly realised not only that he couldnt call the shots, but also he could end on his own for the rest of his life. They then went into counselling, although he did bail out quite early on saying that sitting talking was useless. Of course by then the counsellor had the measure of the relationship and my friend kept on with the therapy. Eventually she left him, however, it was amicable enough for a fair sharing of assets and the grown up children continue to see both parents. She is very happily settled into her own house.

Gabriella - a minister or priest will have heard it all before and will be able to guide someone towards the help they need

GabrielleG Ministers provide pastoral care as part of their duties (or at least the good ones do) and it may well be very helpful talking to your minister if you're a churchgoer.

Yes I agree with the others, this is domestic violence, he is hurting you physically, controlling you mocking you etc. Can you visit your doctor who may be able to get at least some counselling for you to get up your strength a bit and confidence. You can also look up domestic violence on your computer and there might be some help lines you can ring also. Do you have a close friend that you can confide in, if so let them know what is going on. Keep a Diary also of what is happening for your own sanity as later it might be needed. Do not be ashamed of this, it is not your fault. This sounds familiar to me as my own father was like this. My mother went through hell, then after she passed away his girlfriend also went through hell. Reach out for help. Take care and all the very best to you. Warmest wishes. Get support.

Well, it may depend on the Minister- some prefer to maintain the status quo and don't believe that a member of their flock are abusive - as your husband clearly is!
We have the reverse situation- my husband is the one who stays in bed - often until 10 or so. I'm up at 7,30, He is suffering from the side effect of some medication, although he has always liked a lie in. I take him tea in bed and then get on with my day, reading or go to the gym or fitness classes. Coffee is waiting when I get home. No point is getting angry etc That's the difference- accepting someone has different needs. The only irritation is I am starving beteen 12.30 - 1pm but he has not long had breakfast

A knee in the groin would sort it out next time he pulls your hair! It seems that when a man retires, he feels a need to take over the house and control everything that happens in it. On Mumsnet they'd say LTB, and I think that's what you've got to do unless you want another 20 years of being bullied.

Oh my goodness. You need out of this abusive relationship now. Please get help. X

This is both mental and physical abuse, and you are so unhappy because with this type of man you will never get thro, simply because there’s not even an element of self doubt or consideration of your feelings. You have clearly been patient and have done all you can to keep the peace, but yes, you are enabling him to continue ....you are treading on eggshells and you cannot sustain this indefinitely .... why should you ? Why would you ? We only live once and we all deserve to live without fear. Marriage is a partnership with both people being equal, not one dominating the other. I would advise you to stay in the spare room and seek a solicitors advice, not a minister ! ASAP .... good luck ...

Reading your very first post. Lots going on. You been retired 20 months...menopause kicked in around same time...house move 250 miles away. Him a lark..you an owl. Not really surprised by some of this. To start with a house move to a completely new area takes time to adjust to, even though you probably like your new area it can take time and you can still feel homesick for the most simple things. Then the start of your menopause on top of it, that in itself is not easy for some women, if you are still having difficult symptoms you don"t have to suffer,see your GP.
Retirement itself is another hurdle for some people, while others can"t wait to retire others dread it and wonder how they will fill the days up. Your husband might be one of these people who felt organised and in control at work but lacking in direction now and his controlling behaviour is more noticeable now you see more of each other.
Do you really have to eat breakfast together? My husband is always about at least an hour before me ...sometimes more. If he wants breakfast he gets it, I get my own later once I"m about. We just accept our body clocks are tuned in differently and don't let it be a problem.
If it's only in the months since retirement that these problems have surfaced then maybe you should get some advice/ counselling from a professional before deciding to throw in the towel, 30 odd years is a long time to be together.

Breakfast in bed is a good idea. We often have a cup of tea in bed in the morning,
Your h along with many other retired men and woman are not use to retirement it takes a while to get use too.
I couldn’t wait to retire. My h had a little part time job for a while then gave it up.
I meet up with a few friends and see my dd for catchups and coffee.

If hour husband realises that you are serious about leaving him - with subsequent significant decrease in financial situation - selling home for two cheaper ones and no sharing of household bills, then he may be willing to go to counselling sessions. If this is the way he has always been, (maybe copying his father?) he may not know any other way to be. It will be a huge step for him to admit he is wrong, and not be easy to change, but surely worth a try? Emotional abuse is still abuse and totally unacceptable.
What is he like when you go on holiday - is it the same?

Chinesecrested. I wouldn't recommend a knee in the groin as it might escalate into something worse. A broken leg from a kick or a fractured skull from being pushed against a wall isn't what needs to happen to Padine.

I agree with other posters in that his problems could be medical, Alzheimers, small strokes etc. but the difficulty with someone this intransigent is that he probably won't listen to the opinions of others, even if the outcome would be to his benefit. My father (RIP) was a stubborn man and in the end my mother had to arrange for their GP to make a housecall in order to diagnose his dementia.

Padine, please PLEASE get help. Do you have any family you could talk to about this? Was the reason your OH wanted to make such a long distance move to have control of you and to get family out of the picture?

Hope you can sort this out. You really don't need your retirement to be a misery when you seem to lead a full life otherwise.