Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

He has a big problem, he is behaving like a selfish kid would to his little sister, pulling hair a tearing up paper and it might get worse.

Is he just nasty or is it the first signs of dementure, so either get out or get him on medication.

I’m so sad to read your posts, Padine. It was only after my husband dies that I realised he had controlled my life and cut off my friends without any physical violence. You really do need to get help from professionals, you can’t go on existing, alive but without any life at all. I imagine he was used to being the boss at work and can’t cope without that life. It’s really pathetic and sad for him but you shouldn’t be living like this. I think the advice to go away for a few days is good. The best thing is that the genie is out of the bottle now because you’ve told us what is going on.

There is absolutely no excuse for aggressive or bullying behaviour. But from what you have said, i.e. 'I flew at him', I don't get the feeling you are afraid of him, so hopefully you are not in any danger. I think retirement and being with someone 24/7 is a huge adjustment. It does sound like he has OCD, so some routines may be difficult for him to break. Sounds like there needs to be compromises from both of you so that not everything becomes an argument. If he really wanted to walk to church and it was only a short distance, why did you not save an argument and walk. Seems a very small thing to have a big row over. Dig your heels in with something more important. Would you consider counselling, if you can get him there? I can understand you feeling you want to end the marriage, but sadly unless you are pretty well off, it is a very difficult thing financially and could involve you having to sell your house to split the assets . But perhaps if you can convince him that you will leave him unless he goes to a counsellor with you, it might be enough to persuade him to go with you. It must be terrible to be so unhappy in your retirement years - we get to a certain age and realise life is so short. Only you can decide if you want to try and save your relationship. I dont think anyone should have to stay in a miserable, unhappy marriage, but the alternative is not an easy path. I wish you luck.

Oldwoman70 and Grannyknot

Thanks for your insights but you can bet your bottom dollar that a minister will advise relate/counselling/talking it through with her OH or family. They are wholly unlikely to advise leaving. It doesn't take a 'minister' to know the
options and they are no more versed in these matters than you or I.
The wearing of cloth doesn't give them super insight or powers.

Get out now please! Whatever the cause, illness, etc violence is likely to escalate and for you to retaliate to me suggests this is a toxic relationship. There is a life out there and you have every right to peace of mind, joy in your heart and to wake up each morning to a new adventure. Clocks ticking down our mortality every one of us. This man does not want you to have serenity. Good luck and gain support from gransnetters!

Padine H sounds bored. Many men live and bteathe their work and when it comes to retirement are like fish out of water.Doesn't H have any interests? does he meet up with any of his ex work mates for a boys night out ? do you have to be together 24x7?Not to every ones taste and some will tut tut but once a year when H and self retired H would go off with the boys ,although we did holiday together, for a week while myself would do what I wanted while he was away Bliss.

This sounds like classic Retired Husband Syndrome - there are literally Tons of web pages on the topic because so very many women feel as you do, ie: criticized, trodden on, imaginary faults found by partners at a loose end now they've retired, etc, etc.

Basically (and this will seem simplistic but it's true) he thinks the rest of the world - and yourself in particular - should and must adapt to him. He cannot or will not even try to change and adapt himself.

Sounds like he's stuck in the 19th Century......

Well so if he doesn't want to eat breakfast alone then keep him waiting till you feel like getting up. Looked at one way, you trying to make him eat breakfast without you is as controlling as him trying to make you get up earlier. You do as you please, then let him deal with that in whatever way he pleases - which appears to be to wait for you. If the wait becomes too long then he'll have to reassess his decision.

Were you ok before retirement threw you together on a day in day out basis.? You have to be firm and if he wants you to eat together tell him to bring you breakfast in bed and you can cosy up together even stay there all day.?? What exactly is it you have to moan about which H says you do. May be you do need to talk to someone about it can you suggest this to H?

Mixed feelings about some of the advice on here and certainly don’t feel that you are being controlling for wanting to stay in bed beyond 7.30am. Presumably you got up and went to work and would get up now if you needed to be out early? Do you want to stay with this man? 30 plus years is a long time but you could have a long time ahead of you. I think you need advice whatever you decide to do especially the financial implications when as you say you’ve saved hard for your retirement. Do you have children or close family who would support you? I think you need to know your options before any sort of showdown with your husband as I do really fear for your safety. Hope the comments on here are helping and do keep in touch. Love and prayers.

He should grow up. Sounds to me as if he is acting like a spoilt child. A lie in until 8.30?! I get up 'early' at about 9.00 (admittedly after a cuppa in bed) but my DH doesn't rise until almost 10. I quite enjoy the time on my own - I'm not a morning person. Show him these replies and hope he realises what a fool he is being. Live how you want as long as you are not hurting anyone else.

He sounds very rigid and inflexible, and only his way is the right way? I do wonder if he's on the Asperger's spectrum? Or is just a bully? Whatever the reason - sometimes when one or both of us are working, problems can be ignored / lived with/ become the "norm". After retirement, I'm afraid they have to be faced full on. You certainly shouldn't have to put up with violence (yes, hair pulling IS violence!)

In your position, I would be consulting a solicitor to ask what you need to put in place in case the marriage comes to an end. then, then when you've done that, look for marriage guidance counselling, if you're still interested in trying to save the marriage. If he won't go, you can still go on your own. it may be that the shock of your actions will give him the push he needs to go with you.

Otherwise, personally, I would get the hell out of that marriage as fast as possible. (You may have 20-30 years ahead of you; do you really want to spend those with him?)

Heavens above! we rarely eat breakfast together, unless we are away in a hotel. I don't like eating till late morning, husband needs something as soon as he gets up. I'm amazed that this should be a problem for your husband, you are entitled, as others have said, to do as you please, we all have different requirements as to how and when we take our first food of the day. I don't think you are full of self pity OP. Can't you just have a coffee or tea with him whilst he eats breakfast. I hope you sort it out good luck don't let it spoil your retirement.

He does sound like he needs professional help.
Note to wives of working men, get him to plan what he will do after retirement, hobbies, clubs, sport

Don't forget that 'coercive and controlling behaviour' is now a criminal offence, so you have every right to go to the police.

I agree with some readers, there is a time in life when you should do what you want to do, including getting up whenever you want to, but in our household it is my Husbands bugbear, he cant stand me having a lie in, I long for the mornings when he goes to the gym early then I make the most of it. He started hoovering one morning at 8am.Dont talk to me about control freaks.
PADINE you must get help ASAP

I am just saying why does it matter whether or not he eats before she gets up? She should get up whatever time she feels like and if he's decided to go hungry until that time that's his problem it doesn't have to bother her.

I agree with so many post about getting the right advice and support.

Women's Aid is fantastic, please get in touch with them even if it's only by phone or may be on-line and at the very least read up on the web site.

I was in one of their safe houses back in 1981, early days for them and I have been a supporter of their work ever since.

I saw someone suggested you getting a lock on the spare room door, good advise. Someone suggested you find a safe place to go, even if it's temporary, very good advise.

Also the post about locking your work things and valuables away, more good advise.

If possible I'd look at going further and getting important documents and valuable thing out of the house if there is someone you can trust with them. Even if you don't go anywhere right now.

I think you should give serious consideration to getting out even if it's only for a night to give you space to centre yourself. But you're there in your situation so you are best placed to make that call.

Get your passport, Birth, Marriage Certs, NI details Bank Statements (proof if needed later) pension/income things like that. Valuables and sentimental items that. Also if possible get some cash and have it somewhere or with someone if you trust them, start and account that's only yours. If you don't need your running away money you can put it back.

I had £9.40 two nylon holdalls and DD1 age 9 when I entered the refuge and by the afternoon all the money in the bank had gone.

I was young, naive and in shock as what I thought was "Just and an other Argument" went very wrong very quickly.

Please use this time to put safety measures in place, if you don't need them you can undo them but if you haven't got them and you need them it's a tough place to be.

Take Care and I wish you lots of Luck ( divine intervention, whatever you wish to call it) because in situations like this we all need a bit of luck to have the right people, right help in place when we need it.

Padine, it's great that you have come on here to test the water and express yourself. From here on in I feel you need professionals. People that respond have their own story to tell and you need the very best care now.

Nanny41 suggest you take your advice to the OP and do something about your abusive husband.
Padine hoping you are seeking help today which is why you haven't been back. Please let us know you are OK.

This is abuse. No other word for it. Please GET OUT and AWAY from this abusive man. Lots of good advice here fton GNs. Wishing you a happy future, Padine. Look after yourself.

A controlling husband ? yuk

You have a right to do as you feel , you are both retired , so he will soon get hungry if you don’t cook his breakfast , and get his own , .... he won’t go hungry .... stick it out for a while and stand your ground ....

Padine As one comment states (quote)' do you want to stay with this man,30 years is a long time!! You do not discard another human being like it was a piece of trash because your new life as in retirement is bringing forth a lifestyle in which neither of you want to 'give or take' of one another. Was that 30 years so bad that you are still together ? Ask yourself is it worth saving and yes you could have another thirty years ahead of you and where can you see yourself in those thirty years.If you truly love H then seek professional guidance. At least give it a try. before throwing in the towel. There must have been some thing there or you would have fled long before now . You don't mention whether you have children or GC.

Padine, your husband is a very sad man and seems very insecure, would he like a pet
Say a dog that needs lots of walking !

Padine, David1968 is right. This man is abusive. Get out. We are such a short time on this earth, you deserve some happiness and the chance to make you're own mind up about how you live your life. Best wishes to you.