Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

KazaaK It is like living with an alcoholic, by managing his medication and providing his food, albeit grumply, you are facilitating his bad behaviour.

Tell him you have had enough and in future he will have to look after himself. Do his own shopping, make his own meals, manage his own medication.

You do not have to leave him, just expect him to do his share of the chores. If he thinks wives are just to prepare meal, tell him he is living in the 19th century and should wise up to the role of working women in the 21st century. He will probably go all helpless on you and blame you for his suffering, hunger etc, but after a few days self-preservation will kick in and he will start preparing food, taking his medication etc. It is your turn to be controlling.

Do this. It might be wake up call. I can understand that after 45 years you may feel staying put is best, but make it on your terms. Do you have children, if so what do they think?

Dolcelatte.... You naughty thing ... But I'd be tempted if my husband behaved like that.
I am amazed and deeply concerned as to what some women tolerate from their husband's and partners.
What is wrong with you all ??
Don't let them do it to you !!
They are bullies and bullies are cowards who pounce on weaker people ... be strong

Dolcelatte, what a wicked suggestion! ?

@KaazaK -cna't manage his medication? Sounds like a solution not a problem

of course he could manage his own medication. That's not to say I have every sympathy.....this type of behaviour wears you down.

OMG... can't believe what I am reading... padine you have been given great advice but KaazaK Horrendous.... I honestly don't know how people put up with so much! My immediate response is...walk.... Tough if he can't manage his medication but then I am mindful of people's connections etc. I think I am just selfish....only one life and I am not going to waste it type of thing. Do you have family? Do you have any way out? OMG I hope so! Really do...just go....leave him to sort his own medication out....

Oh Padine, how I sympathise! My OH (we've been married nearly 45 years) has always been quite controlling, although he would deny it utterly if anyone said he was! However after us both suffering a serious accident nearly 3 years ago he can now be very difficult. He expects me to be with him all the time but only because that means someone to make him cups of tea, get his meals etc. He spends most of his days either in bed or lying on the sofa. Taking him out is difficult as his legs have become very weak (due to inactivity). Yesterday I got home from work (I escape to work 2 days a week) and he immediately started on at me saying he had had nothing to eat all day (he had gorged on crips and chocolate - great for a diabetic!) because I had left him no food. When I pointed out there was plenty of things either in the fridge or the cupboard and he could have made himself something to eat, he just became nastier, wives according to him are there to make meals! Today I had to go to the hospital for a CT scan and before I got home he was phoning me to say he had has nothing to eat and wanted his lunch - and it was only just gone 12! Then I got it in the neck because I hadn't stopped to buy him any sweets! So you can see how things are. The problem is that without me he would never manage his medication and health problems so I am trapped!

Work out what your financial situation would be, and what arrangements you could make for somewhere to live.

You may never need this information but knowing these things will give you confidence. That will help you not to give in to attempts at bullying.

I hope your DH can pull back from being overbearing and aggressive, so that you both can have a happy retirement.

I think that when men retire they lose their status and sense of importance, and try to recapture this in the home environment.

My husband is an example of this, and it could be described as 'bullying'. He constantly tells me how to do things that I have been doing for years! (Re-stacks the dishwasher, saying that I haven't done it right, even tells me how to fry eggs! etc.) This used to cause flaming rows. I felt I was always being controlled. Now, I just ignore him. I've got this down to such a fine art, that I don't even grit my teeth any more - just shrug. ('If you can do it better, you do it!')

The trouble is, that once you're retired, you're together 24/7. It becomes too much. (Which is a bit sad, because all the time you were working, and bringing up children, you thought that this special time together - just the two of you - would be easy and wonderful!)

It ain't! It's just another stage in your life that you need to work at!

I haven't read all the posts here - too many. But if I were Padine, I would certainly get some professional advice.

Firstly, Padine, you need to decide if you still love your husband. And from there, yes or no, plan your path.

Lots of good advice here. But just sit back, take a deep breath, and think. You can afford to take as long as you like. (But any more hair-pulling, or physical abuse would be a full-stop for me!)

Good luck. (And remember, that there may be a better life for you elsewhere, if that's what you decide you want.)

Good luck Padine, you must do what's best for you.

I really hope things improve now you have shown him things (ie him) need to change if you are to remain together. You deserve to be happy.

You need to show some strength and stand up to this bully. He is sucking the confidence and self esteem out of you. I know what I am talking about here, I endured years of exactly the same abuse - and it is abuse - then one day something just snapped. We had a blazing row because I had said that I do not want to do whatever it was that he had decided that I was going to do that day. He rounded the argument in the same way that so many others had, him getting so close to my face that I could feel every word he spat, saying " ...and that is how it's going to be. And you either put up and shut up or f* off." Well, after too long putting up and shutting up, I f*** off. Getting him off my back wasn't easy - bullies do not like being stood up to, but I have never in the 20 odd years that followed regretted it, not for one minute. You deserve better and you deserve happiness. Leave him. I wish you well.

We have only one life and retirement is the last chapter so it is time to choose if you want a chance of happiness or not.
If you have practical worries like accommodation, money etc, start making enquiries now and you will see how it can be done. Meantime pay no more into a joint account.
If you tell your local council that your husband's behaviour is affecting your health then as you are past retirement age, you should be priority for housing.
In my area it is available. Do make enquiries re your own area.
See a solicitor who handles family matters and divorces. You don't need to ask for a divorce, just advice and to know where you stand, then any decision is yours.
Take care and good luck for the future. xx

he is abusing you mentally and physically you need to have a serious think whether you are prepared to let him get away with this anymore

Padine as others have said you need to get help! This behaviour is now grounds for divorce I think from the change in the law recently. My oldest friend went through 20 years of this sort of behaviour - belittling comments, abuse, physical abuse - and admitted when she finally left that if she had known someone going through the same she would have advised them to leave but she felt she couldn't!

If it were just a period of adjusting to being retired then it should pass - my DH retired young and it took him a while to find his new 'role' - but if he's always been like this then maybe it is time to call time

Do not let this man dominate you. Start to ignore him, come and go exactly as you please whenever you want. You do not have to do things together. Make a very firm stance then get on with your own life immediately!!!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and breathe. There's obviously an underlying history here of him getting his way a lot, probably to keep the peace. Now you have both been thrown into the arena of retirement and from the looks of it, different interests, the ball game has changed. He's quite possibly resentful of retirement and you're unfortunately the target for his resentment. You, are it seems quite happy with your retirement and bob along quite nicely having the time to do whatever, which also includes having a bloody lye in. Actions always speak louder than words; move into the spare room, sort out your finances and tell him quite clearly that if he puts one more hand on you, albeit 'simple' hair pulling you will either break his arm off and hit him with the soggy end or call the police and have him done for domestic abuse. You are not his whipping boy, you like him are a grown up and his control issues are exactly that 'his'. This behaviour is sadly more common than we would like to believe. I've seen the results from both sides, husband being allowed his way and husband not being allowed his way, guess which one is still married. Take yourself away for a good few hours on your own to think and good luck.

If a man pulled my hair once he would never get another opportunity Can I just say Twiglet if only life were so simple, domestic violence is a hugely complex and complicated relationship and very rarely does it come with such simple instructions It is what we all think and how we all expect to act but it is nothing like that in real life Such a complex situation on paper would say walk away never look back but it is SO very different in real life
I hope you find a solution Padine

I so hope everything works out well. I am sure all our best wishes go with you.
Please ensure that if he shows any signs of his previous behaviour you nip it in the bud every single time. Consistency is the key.

This reminds me of the situation I was in a few years ago after nearly 40 years of marriage. All the rows, discussions that went nowhere and silent bullying. He reluctantly went to Relate with me but was a one track road for him to splitting up (for no real reason). Eventually I was forced to agree to sell our house and we did indeed go our separate ways. Fortunately I was able to buy my own little house out of the proceeds .... he chose to pay into part of our son’s house. After a few months we became “friends” and he has now returned to the nice man I married and is always very happy to come and do little jobs for me. He hates cooking, ironing and shopping etc etc
for himself and hopefully now appreciates everything that I used to do. I can never forgive or forget how he ruined what should have been a harmonious comfortable autumn and winter of our lives but I managed to move sideways and accept what happened and move on making a better social life for myself without fear of facing any further confrontation. We have never divorced as there’s no point and now can be there for each other. My biggest regret is that he didn’t call “time” 20 years earlier. Good luck to you but I can now say there is life after splitting up.

If any man pulled my hair even once, it would be once too often and he would never get another opportunity. There is no excuse for physical violence. Whatever his issues, there is no justification for intimidating you. You say you "flew at him" but he isn't going to be scared of your tongue and you are clearly wary of his temper in case he hurts or frightens you. The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear. Please, please get professional advice, get a financial cushion (at least an account in your own name that he cannot block access to) and don't put up with another incident of his abusive behaviour. He should be so terribly ashamed but there is nothing for you to be sorry for, he sounds a cruel and controlling brute.

JenniferEccles. Your post is truly insensitive and unhelpful. Padine has just said she wants to work at things and save her marriage. I wish you and your hubby well, Padine. As Monica says all marriages go through hard times. Do let us know how things go!

Hi Padine, I wish you all the very best for the future. Truly hope things work out for you both.

Glad to hear your news Padine. This is the start of the rest of your life. Sending love and prayers that it all works out for you both.
As Madgran says please update as and when you wish to. ?

Padine, I do think there are some health factors here that need looking at. First as others have said you husband may have health issues.

You also need to see how you can get help through the menopause, there is HRT. Also taking a mixture of B vitamins may help. Also Boots have a menopause vitamin table. The Japanese find Soya boosts low oestrogen levels and look at other foods that may help. Exercise groups can help and singing in 2 choirs must lift your spirits.

One responder didn't understand why you didn't want to walk to church, but you said it was raining heavily as it was in many parts of the UK. My daughter said she was soaked to the skin within a few minutes of walking the dog.