Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

Jennifer Eccles I am unsure why you think your last comment is helpful to Padine really. She has made a decision which apparently is what she feels is right for her. Many have advised wisely on finances, options and drawing a clear line which must never be crossed again. Whatever the reasons for Padine's decision (which might well be linked to the emotional consequences of her husbands behaviour) you comment about waiting for her to appear on here again is not helpful. Firstly it may put her off coming on again for advice, if and when she needs to. Secondly, someone who is trying to see their way through a miserable situation like this, and likely influenced by emotional and physical fear, really doesn't need to have that sort of remark made, likely increasing fear!!

Padine please update us if you need to, good news or bad news!

Well good luck with trying to save your marriage Padine if that is what you really want. In the mean time, make sure your own finances are in order, in particular that you have money in your own name that he cannot access.

I will look out for you on here at some point in the (probably) near future when you have realised that this truly awful man you are married to isn't going to change, and you are asking for advice about the best way to end your marriage.

No no Ready I wasn’t referring to your post.

I just felt concerned that what is a pretty serious thread has been shoved onto the sidebar without much indication of how serious it is.

Padine a long marriage is always worth saving if possible. DH and I went through a very difficult time a few decades ago and came close to separation, but held on and got through it. This year we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, and we did celebrate, that difficult period was a short time in a long marriage and neither of us has ever regretted not separating.

Some people just remain happy forever. I have yet to meet a marriage like that. If it lasts a long time, there will have been difficult periods.

Padine glad you feel better! Hope things work out ...but I would suggest, just one slip on his part , hair pulling or controlling and that is it! And make sure he understands that!

I hope your talk has made him realise how unreasonable and abusive he has been. Be careful not to allow the controlling behaviour to slip back.

Good luck

I got divorced after 31 years, best thing I ever did. Some people just remain happy forever and good luck to them....but if you're not happy then it's quite possible to do something about it and leave. Divorce isn't scary or difficult at all as I know, and you'd feel like a new woman without him trying to control everything you do. Good luck !

(((((((((( hugs))))))))) I hope things keep improving for you , stick to your guns in a calm determined manner , and listen to each other

Good news - a long talk, honest and serious and going to try to save this marriage. I suggested going for a shortish walk this morning and we did that - at my pace. I'm no fool but will not put up with DV again. Having a day out tomorrow, so looking forward to that. There are lots of good things we've shared over the last 36 years and I was at the end of my tether when I first posted, not able to see past the terrible row. Thank you for listening and your advice ladies, it's much appreciated.
Hope you all have happy weekends,
Padine x

Can I point out that DV survivors do stay with and return again and again to the perpetrators it is not because the relationship is “good” but often lack of self esteem built up over a period of years by constant put downs from the perpetrator.
the situation the OP describes of constant under mining and physical violence (hair pulling!) IS DV and no matter how long they have or haven’t been married it’s not OK. My best advice would be for her to leave as in my experience these things do not improve unless he is willing to accept that he needs treatment and this is rare.
I am surprised that so many responders seem to feel that this is a minor bicker from a grumpy partner how many of them would happily let their OH pull their hair I wonder!!

Sorry if my posts sounded underplaying, I do have a tendency to make generalised observations based on an individual problem. My take on a violent partner is get the police and get rid asap!! That's a whole other ballgame.

Well said Muffin. I cant believe the underplaying thats going on here.

It was really unhelpful to put this thread in the sidebar when a couple of pages in OP details that he is violent and controlling towards her.

This is a much worse situation than being “so unhappy”.

It did occur to me that one of the main things that goes wrong in a relationship is clash of expectations. The husband may have spent years dreaming of a time when they'd be retired and actually have time to sit and eat breakfast together, while the wife may have spent years dreaming of a time when she's not ruled by a routine. Often it's the other way round. But can you imagine your frustration when a dream you have had for years suddenly vanishes? This is why it's good to communicate in a timely fashion. Had they each known each other's expectations they could have been "managed" in the years leading up to retirement, so that both of them were happy with the eventual compromise. Even now it may not be too late - eg 3 mornings breakfast together, 3 mornings late lie-in, 7th morning draw straws and winner decides on how the day is spent.

Seems to me in his annoying way (he can’t help it he is male) he is crying out for some attention, his career has finished and he is feeling at a loose end, do you still feel some love for him? it’s great that you have things to do now you are retired but does he? He may be picking on you because he wants to have that close relationship you use to have, and you are ignoring him, be kind to each other, listen and try and see what is wrong with him.

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It is awful to think that such behaviour would be happening as we all get older.
It could be that your H is feeling that he has lost control of situations especially if he was in charge of people or processes however that does not give him the right to try to control you.
I don't know what you want to do, you talk of a long marriage must be worth saving, it would do you no harm at all to make yourself aware of the financial situation for yourself as an individual and jointly with H. You need to be aware who owns the house or who leases the house. Which of you hadles the financial matters of the house? If you are aware of the finances it will be easier for you if you do decide to go it alone.
I would hope that your DCs would assist you in all your situation.
Good luck Keep us posted

Omg the behaviour you are describing is physical And emotional Abuse. Plain and simple. He’s controlling you with his tantrums and hair pulling etc so he can get his own way. That’s no way to live. It’s not too late for him to work on changing his behaviours but with professional help only. Promises of change are hollow even if he understands what he is like. He has to take positive steps or you do, one way or another. You don’t deserve to live like this! Please contact your GP and/or the nearest Women’s Refugee for advice to help to decide your options. Don’t put up with this any longer

He sounds awful
If seriously be looking at my options
Bullying is not acceptable behaviour at any age
Be strong, know your rights & take action to get away from this bully Do not condone his behaviour towards you Good luck you deserve better ?

Comments Like this are not helpful at all. Meeting violence with violence makes you as bad as the other person. You'd also end up in prison.
Not a good result.

I would also encourage you to start opening up to your adult children about what is happening and how you plan to manage it.

They clearly do not understand how bad things with their dad have become, and their support would help you at this time.

sorry pressed send too fast, either you go, or, he gets help to deal with his anger management. if he refuses, take his bluddy washing and pack it in a black plastic sack and throw it out with him to follow. No one asks to be abused, physically, verbally or sexually. Report him to the Police Domestic Violence Unit. it is unacceptable. you are entitled to enjoy your retirement and it is not your job to make sure that you behave so that he enjoys his more. Pressing send now!

Hes got what he needs, somebody to hurt. Sorry wake up.

You most certainly do not bring it on yourself. He is a bully. Move out.

I'm glad that you've come to a considered decision and now feel able to cope.
Lots of good wishes for a happy retirement...for you both.

padine, I'm a bit confused by your post.
Firstly, let me say I'm very sympathetic about your menopause and the fact that you've moved houses. It's quite and upheaval.
You say mainly you have everything you want and need, but what about your husband? Why has'nt he got what he wants and needs, do you know? If not is this his problem?
Was he like this before? People who are controlling feel that they have no power. He sounds very insecure. I am out all the time in the week but make time for my husband.
You also say he is abusive but you say you have tried to 'kick him out of the way' I was married to an abusive man but would never have dared to to kick him or even answer back, I lasted two yrs then walked out.
Now, if my present husband, who is very nice, advises me not to do something if I want to do it, I do it wether he likes it or not (within reason)and he knows I will, he used to sulk but he now knows the score.
There is no excuse for his actions but Are you sure you're problems are not exacerbated by the menopause?
Do you still love him? see the doctor about counselling. If not it's up to you.