Friends - or lack of.

Over the last 3 years, 2 of my good friends have moved over 100 miles away. One to Cambridge and my really good friend to near Stamford. I just really miss them so much, especially my friend in Stamford.

We keep in touch with phone calls and WhatsApp, but it isn't the same, just miss our regular meet ups for coffee and lunch. I am going to stay with her in October for a few days!

It does seem harder to make new friends once retired, and when joining groups, there always seems to be cliques that you need to break into.

I have my partner and family, so I count myself lucky in that respect.

National Women's Register NWR here

I would suggest joining the NWR - a great place to make real friends. I will find a link and come back.

I used to love going out with friends and socialising as families but since my divorce (years ago) it seems like a few people have "dropped" me?. I have had a relationship since and made friends through him too, but when that ended I never heard from any of them again. Fair enough. I won't deny that it's harder to make friends in older age but the ones you keep become extra special.

Partly I think it is getting older, but also when you retire or reduce hours a big gap is exposed. Colleagues can take the place of friends, think of how much time is spent in full-time employment. Real friends are hard to come by. My mother's neighbour never invited her to her club, or in for a cup of tea. She joined Derby and Joan, but never got a welcome, strikes me this is nothing new. So if you do belong to a group, perhaps it is worthwhile looking out for new people and making an extra effort?

Sounds like a great idea. Maybe it will expand. Would be so good for everyone.

Maybe Gransnet could get behind it, and roll it out nationwide.

That's an excellent idea!
Hope its introduced elsewhere.

On Radio Suffolk today they were talking about a new scheme, where coffee shops/pubs etc have what they call Meet Up Mondays. The venue lay on free tea and coffee for about 2 hours mid day, and local people of any age call in and chat. I'm not sure if it's just Suffolk, but seems a good idea.

Apparently people get chatting, and maybe decide to have a meal or snack together later in the week. It's good to see someone trying to address what is obviously a huge problem.

ruralcoffeecaravan.org.uk/news/meet-up-mondays-update/

Lots of us do seem to have the same problem. Thank goodness for Gransnet. It helps. Seems to be associated with getting older for most folk.

So difficult to make friends as you get older I find. Sadly most of my longstanding friends have died over the last ten years but I'm still in touch with two, who I've known for nearly 60 years, but they live too far away for any contact these days. Have joined a Rambling Group, the WI and been a choir member in the past but as I'm not a member any more the friendships made there have now gone. I do have my dear husband but really miss having friends I can socialise with.

I returned to London after years abroad and have had to join ladies forums to meet friends. I do have several friends but they all live outside London, meaning we have to set a meet up date. I don't know anyone locally. I go to classes but everyone seems to be cliquey. I am a Red Hat but don't feel like I particularly belong and absolutely hate the uniform.

Blencathra, do you live in the North Lakes?

Lindadoughty sorry for the loss of your dear friends I too lost one of two very close friends last year. Its one of the very sad things about getting older.

I have friends at art class and we sometimes have coffee or lunch together. But no one comes to my house. I have one special friend from when I was five years old and my husband and I meet up with her and her husband although less often as they live an hours drive and we dont have the same energy at 67! When I was young, before we bought our first house I lived in a public housing estate. I knew all my neighbours. We frequently had chats and cups of tea in the garden. No one felt isolated and we all helped each other but still kept our privacy. I live in a very nice private semi now. We hardly know any neighbours. If someone died it could go unnoticed. I think most people are like this nowadays. sadly.

I am sad to read this and surprised because we find the opposite. We moved to a new town when we retired and didn't know anyone. Quite a lot of people did the same and so they are actively looking for friends. We actually have time to socialise and the great thing has been to have time to catch up with old friends.

Three of us grew up together, one friend from when we were about four and then joined by the third when we were about 10. Close friends through thick and thin, marriage, children divorce, change of careers etc., Even lived with friend 1 every summer for last four years of her life. She died on friend 3's birthday exactly a year after friend 3 had died. So lost them both. Have other people with whom I am friendly, but not friendships like this one

So pleased to know I am not alone. We moved house four years ago we dont have many neighbours and I thought it would be easy to make friends, but no, most of the neighbours work all day and dont seem to get out of the house once home.When we first moved in, we had a little get together for the immediate neighbours, but nobody has done this since.We have moved a bit away from where we used to live and it now seems too far for friends to make the effort to call on us.Most comunication is done by e mail, texts, or Facebook messenger, its become a sad world, with so much technology.

We too have some friends that we never see if we don't do the contacting. I couple of years ago we reconnected with old friends by inviting them for dinner. This was despite the fact they had never sent as much as an email when I was having cancer treatment. I was very hurt but wanted to give them a second chance as we were at one time very good friends. They came for dinner and we had a lovely evening - We haven't heard from them since. So they are off my Christmas card list in more ways than one!

That’s exactly how I felt joot ! They needed me to play the underdog which obviously boosted their ego’s. It got to the point where I would dread a night out with them and having to listen to their “my house is bigger than your house” or “my husband earns far more than yours” week in week out, so one week I just didn’t turn up. One of them rang to ask if I was running late and I plucked all my courage up to say “no, I’m not late, I’m just not coming “ and that was that . I do occasionally see them around in the town and we are polite but no more . I don’t miss them at all.

How I love Gransnet.... every day I see something I can relate to!
I could be any one of you: We lived in a Uk resort for 10years and had to resort to a reservations diary to make sure we could accommodate family/friends during the summer. When we ‘retired’ abroad, our visitor season simply extended to year round/constant bookings and my washer/housekeeper duties intensified similarly - free holiday springs to mind but tbh we didn’t mind; in fact we loved it. 15 years on we’ve returned home to find our social life has diminished (disappeared?). Our family now go on their own foreign hols and our uk friends are too aged/died or simply too busy with family babysitting (us too!). So it’s just hubby and I, living the life of ‘sandwich carers’ (ie both with parents of 90+, disabled siblings and grandchildren to care for). And it seems that all of my long-term friends are in a similar position so despite careful plans being made only to be cancelled last minute to accommodate family crises, Ive decided to have a bit of me-time: U3A, possibly solo spa days, may be even WI, and whatever else I fancy. Watch this space...........lol!

Ps whilst on a Caribbean cruise I came across ‘The Red Hat Society’, a group of ladies totally committed to having a great time, good clean and happy fun, with other similarly minded ladies. Originally a US network it has now crossed the seas and has groups around the UK but unfortunately not near enough for me! Google it ladies - there may be something near you.

Quite a few of my friends have passed away (and quite young). I have friends and a few make a lot of effort, but I get sick and tired of being the one who keeps in touch/arranges things. Then if I haven't been in contact for a while have the cheek to say .....long time no see....!!.
I think the answer is join a few tings and make some new friendships

I'm very lucky my best friend whom I've known for over 30 years lives 5 minutes walk away, plus I have other friends and most importantly my sister.

From reading the posts it really seems to be the luck of the draw in many cases. Obviously if you have mobility issues or moved to a completely new area then it could be difficult to meet people and make lasting friendships.

Often posters complain about loneliness but you can read between the lines and conclude that they don't make an effort, for whatever reason, so it's no wonder they have no friends. But then you read of those who've joined the WI, U3A, etc., and found them to be cliquey, so I do feel sorry for those who can't find real friends.

It's sheer luck whether you hit it off with someone and a friendship ensues.

I didn't make a good marriage but do make good friends!

I'm also glad it's not just me. I belong to 3 different ladies groups. I attended a monthly lunch club l also went to church locally. I broke my ankle in January and l quickly found out who my friends were. I ended up having to rely on my son and ex husband. I've always tried to be a good listener helpful understanding etc. But always feel as though l'm on the outside looking in and being left out of the group . When we eventually meet up they are talking about things l know nothing about. The last time we met the 3 other ladies had joined another group but never invited me. Now lv'e retired l have more time to get out and about meet people and make new friends. But is it worth the upset. If they treat me like this. Why. I've no idea.

I too have this problem but if you want to get out more there are three well established organisations with local groups that you might like.

NWR: "women who are interested in everything and talk about anything" www.nwr.org.uk/

U3A: for the retired or semi retired "lifelong learning, through the experience of U3A" www.u3a.org.uk/

WI: "plays a unique role in providing women with educational opportunities and the chance to build new skills" www.thewi.org.uk/