How much alcohol is too much alcohol

Tinny there is so much very sound advice here, it may have saved you lots of money going to counsellors who would all endorse the strategies suggested above. As they say "What's the best way to eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time."

Time to step back and reclaim your own life and sanity first. ?

I would add a cautionary note. I had been family carer and babysitter etc for years. I 'lent' my DCs money babysat at a moment's notice over and above the usual 4 days of childmind so a DC could work shifts. I had a run of poor health I got no help and when I was too ill to child mind I was cut off. It is sad but I certainly saw the light. I was only wanted to provide and then realised I never had conversations with DC outside of when was I to child mind.

Your DH has a drink problem for sure. I am a long term member of A.A and also a member of Al-Anon our sister fellowship which is support for those worried and unhappy about someone's drinking (ex is alcoholic) not in recovery.

Alcoholism is a complex illness with many different stages. The fellowship is full of professional people. It is not the stereo type people often think. There is a world of misunderstanding about addiction.

Your husband certainly sounds addicted. As others have said there is no point trying to get him to stop or cut down as he has to want too.

The common denominator in this is you! You have to change what your doing to meet conditions. Your powerless over alcohol as you are powerless to stop him doing this.

Your powerless! NOT helpless. Self care and getting some help for you is what you need.

The link below will take you to Al-Anon (you don't need to tell him your going) and also lists meetings.

There you will find the support with like-minded people you need to make decisions and detach from whst he is doing and build a happier life. I hope it helps. Good luck

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

It all sounds very familiar. I’ve been through it too and know just how you’re feeling. Your husband needs help ASAP , mine left it too late and things didn’t end happily. ?

Good advice from many here. I can only offer two more points: don't ever sit with him when he drinks, always leave the room and do something elsewhere. Also an observation: a friend of mine has been married to an alcoholic for 40 years and moans like mad about it. It has destroyed their family life. But she buys his booze when she orders the shopping! Crazy or what!

Tinny there is so much good advice on here and I am only going to comment on the DH and alcohol issue because when I read it I realised I could have written that part of your post myself. My DH is almost exactly the same with regard to drinking. I watched an excellent documentary last week called Drinkers Like Me by Adrian Chiles (still on iPlayer) which highlighted some of the issues without in any way preaching. I wanted DH to watch it but he wouldnt, particularly when I said it was about people who dont think they are addicted to alcohol, but find it almost impossible to enjoy life without it. Too close to home for him! It didnt give me any answers, but it did give me a bit more insight and it does address the issue of how much alcohol is too much. The answer is probably anything over the 14 units a week government guideline (glass of red wine between 2 and 3.5 units depending on strength and size of glass i.e. one glass a day, every day, easily hits the 14 unit level all on its own), but of course anyone who is alcohol dependent will dismiss that guideline on the spot. Excellent information on the Drinkaware web site: www.drinkaware.co.uk/

I thought the Adrian Chiles programme was brave and honest. I also thought he looked rough and he was using alcohol as a temporary relief from depression.

There is on line this: "Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not." you need some support.

You are constantly thinking and worrying about other people and their needs. To avoid "going under", you really must think about your needs and be kind to yourself.

Please find some help for yourself, you are no good to any-one if you become seriously ill. My late DH was an alcoholic, he also suffered from depression, the two often go hand in hand (alcohol is a depressant, alcohol provides an escape from depression). I also had a problem with alcohol, liking it a little too much. I have managed to control my drinking, haven't had a drink for several weeks (through choice) but can still enjoy a glass of wine etc.

There is support out there for you, brilliant advice given by others on here. Could you manage a weekend break on your own to give yourself some "thinking time" without any distractions, you may find this very therapeutic & allow you to re-think your family commitments. Good luck

You have to think about yourself, imagine if you became ill with all this stress and worry. I would have to let daughter have her dogs back again. You will have to be kind but direct and tell her that you are now finding it too much. Some people will do daily dog walking for a small fee, and other areas have volunteer dog walkers ( people who would actually love a dog themselves but have,nt got the space to keep one) probably the local vets can give you details if this applies in your area. After all they are her dogs and ultimately her responsibility.
Your in-laws are being well looked after in the care home, and although they probably enjoy your visits there are other family who could take a turn to see them.
Regarding your husband's drinking....it's too much. If the first thing he does when he comes in is need a drink ...then another and before you know it more drink then it's going down the slippery path to being an alcoholic. Help needed but think he has to recognise this himself at some point.
You don,t say who is buying the wine....if it's you then conveniently forget it next time you go shopping.
Not sure what the recommended limits are for weekly consumption of alcohol in men ...but sounds like your husband is definately exceeding them.
A lot of good advice already given. I hope that things soon improve for you.

Oh Tinny, I echo JanaNana's advice. (The weekly limit for both men and women is now 14 units, according to the Adrian Chiles programme, which has already been mentioned - and is worth watching.) So much good advice here from GNs. Please look after yourself and stop doing so much. Good luck.

Clearly, the guy needs help. If he was my other half I would have left him long ago, he only had to be abusive once and I'd have been off.

Tinny
First things first.
1) Look after yourself. You can't successfully do things for anyone else if you don't put your own health and welfare first.
2) Your inlaws. One of them isn't even a real inlaw so I suggest that you visit once a fortnight and your husband visits his parents on the other week. Stick to it.
3) Your children. A phone call once a week and visits as and when you feel like it, not as a 'duty' or a guilt trip.
4) The dogs. Your daughter has a husband and inlaws. Come to a firm arrangement for someone else to have them and don't cave in.
Winter is coming and you will have to walk and feed them no matter the weather or how low you feel.
5) Your husband. Unless you're happy to continue putting up with his unpredictable behaviour, you need to stress how his alcohol consumption impinges on your relationship, to it's detriment.
If he won't listen or take steps to curb the drinking, you could either email or write a strongly worded explanation of the consequences of his failing to address the issue.
Whatever stance he adopts you must not waver in your resolve to make a less stressful life for yourself.
6) Contact a couple of friends and arrange a whole day out somewhere nice, out of town. Don't argue with anyone about it, just do it.
Doormats are for people to wipe their feet on and you've been trodden on so many times that it will take some time for you to shake off all the ingrained rubbish that others have 'plonked' on you over the years.
Do yourself a massive favour and reclaim your life...now, today.
----

Time to put yourself first for a change, so much good advice here. I think the dogs must go back to your DD and she must decide what to do about them, likewise you know your in laws are safe and cared for so do step back a bit. I hope your OH does get himself some help soon, I think your description of your weekends sounds very worrying.

Start taking a step back and focus on you. It can begin with taking a whole day for yourself - you can choose to do something, or do nothing, either way it's giving yourself the choice. And I think that's the crux of the matter, you feel you have no choices to make, but you have.

The choice to say to yourself 'No, I'm not going to do that/go there/be there' or 'Yes, I want to see friends/yes I want to be on my own for a while/yes I'm going to give that a try'.

Don't invest too much in others, invest in yourself first and enjoy it.

Time management is the key to sanity. You need to set aside time for yourself first. Prioritize everything else accordingly.

Re: Drinking and drinking buddies Drinking problem needs to be addressed asap. The family gatherings and H's drinking buddies are 'Enabling' your H's drinking. Al anon has support groups for family members of alcoholics.

Re: Family gatherings. Due to H's drinking problem, try limiting frequency to once a month or less (they'll understand). If you have to entertain, you can also make it easier on yourself if you delegate. Everyone can bring a dish, everyone can help with cleaning up and even small children can participate. You may want to consider rotating gatherings to a different house each time.

Re: In laws.....Call once a week to check up on them or talk to them directly to see how they're doing; visit every other week unless there's an emergency....then it's your H's responsibility. They are his parents after all.

Re: Dogs....Eighteen months is a long time to foster someone else's dogs. Your daughter's family is responsible for the dogs, not you. It's time for dogs to go home!

Re: Eight grandchildren....how old are they? Sometimes young mum's can take advantage. Nothing wrong with returning an unruly toddler to his or her mum or letting the older children entertain themselves.

Time to break free from all those tethers!

Stop having alcohol readily available in the house!

Would suggest your DH views alcohol as an alcoholic does. If he doesn't take on board your comments, well you won't get through to him. Only when he wants to address his behaviour will he do anything about it e.g. alcohol counselling. Your energy is being sapped with this worry, no wonder you find yourself feeling like a hamster. Can't suggest how to deal with this other than say you will know you have to do something.

What you are describing is definitely too much booze as it is making your life intolerable.

Probably your OH is drinking to cope with the stressful situation you are both in, but that is a reason, not an excuse.

Try to talk to him when he is sober about how you both can lighten the load you are carrying right now. Then mention his drinking.

It is true that he won't stop drinking until he himself wants to, but tell him when he is sober that his behaviour when drunk is insupportable. If he is either vile or "all over you" things are fast approaching abuse, or forgive my plain speaking, rape.

Are you going to put up with this, or tell him that either he stops drinking to excess or you will file for divorce?

Telling him frankly that either he stops drinking too much, or he will lose you, might just work.
.

You poor thing. Don't need to apologise for feeling tired and put upon. Husband must take care of himself,his choice, sorry.
Dogs can be re homed, most dog rescue will be happy to take over.
Don't buy alcohol for your man, why would you. Only have gatherings occasionally. When the time comes for you to take the kids outside to care for them don't. Let their own parents look after them .in laws just once a week for an hour, IF you feel like it. DONT get into a row. Just smile sweetly and say no. Do not apologise. The above posts all say the same, you are being a doormat, and you don't deserve it. Very, very hard, but you can do it, you must do it for your sanity.. Buy takeaways. Sadly people even tho they love you are taking you for granted,and they lose respect for you. You can do it.

Tinny, we would like to know how you are getting on. So many kind people have taken time to give you advice. Have you been able to improve your lot? If you haven't made any beneficial changes after asking us for help then perhaps you need to see a professional. You doctor can arrange this.
Best wishes.

Tinney You have years ahead of you and you must act now to make the changes that you so desparetly need.
Tell your husband that you are going to be having regular days out with your friends even if only for a couple of hours.
Tell your DCs that when they visit you are not being used as a childminder for the children whilst they converse with their sibblings ad you want to be part of conversations not pushed to the side.
Stand up for yourself and look forward to the future,tell your OH to arrange visits to HIS parents and to man up.

I had a similar problem with OH drinking. In the end I went to al Anon. Recommend it. Then I was able to repeat things that had been said there and say I was not going to go on about it too much because he was the only one who could control it. I said what's going to happen when you retire, will you be hiding bottles all over the house.

To give him his due he did stop, but I think without Al Anon support that would not have happened.

Are you being all things to all people because, probably without realising it, you have low self esteem with long term origins deeply buried in your psyche? Through joining a U3A memoir writing group I discovered this about myself and, at the age of 75 I am slowly managing to stop needing to bend to other people and start pleasing myself. Life is short: after all your hard work for others you deserve self determination and it's consequent satisfactions. ?