Husband wants to use viagra

He's maybe feeling 'old' due to the upheaval of retirement and wants to remain ' young' and frisky . Even though it's all in his head . Like us all he's maybe dreading getting older . Maybe he's got too much spare time and is looking at dating sites etc . That sounds horrible , I know , but I know a few who've done this .

I know he’s going through an adjustment with retirement but it’s the lack of communication that upsets me.
He does have too much time on his hands but I’ve suggested plenty of activities and I don’t want to give up work/friends/grandchildren to be with him 24/7 which he would like
I don’t want a sex life where he’s using viagra unnecessarily or without my knowledge

It’s so easy to buy stuff on the internet- and quite often we end up with buyer’s remorse. It could be that he was feeling a bit low, started thinking that now he was retired he was getting old, and part of getting old is impotence ( it’s not) and, on the spur of the moment, ordered something that he thought would be the answer. Perhaps his reluctance to talk about it is because of his embarrassment. Perhaps you could, calmly and without reproach, tell him how surprised you were, because he’s always been a good lover, and you enjoy your relationship with him.
I don’t think it’s helpful to suggest he’s been looking on dating sites, what evidence is there for that? The op is asking for support here.

I can't offer an answer annand I am sorry you fell so unhappy but I would just like to point out that viagra is now available over the counter in pharmacies.
When I picked up a prescription recently it was being advertised on the counter.
At least your H didn't do this behind your back, he must feel he has a problem to feel he needs it and I am surprised you also didn't realise.
Perhaps you should let him try it and instigate a talk afterwards.
He is coming to terms with a massive change in his life, it sounds as though he doesn't feel it is a change for the better.
He also wants to spend more time with you which doesn't sound like he is looking elsewhere.
Good luck in sorting it all out.
Give him a good meal, a nice bottle of wine on the table and then try again, that was always my solution to tricky conversations.

He usually hates buying off the internet, he is always worried about how secure his data is and makes me put purchases on my card. I’ve tried the calm approach but he’s shut down. I’ve tried suggesting he gets a health check at the doctors, he said he’d think about it which means no.
I’m afraid this attitude will just get a bigger issue until I loose my temper which will cause him to retreat further. How can I make him realise his lack of communication is causing a rift

I think the other posters are right. Your husband is having difficulty adjusting to retirement and perhaps feeling his age. For many men their job defines them and without this they feel lost. I know the lack of communication is an issue but he did tell you what he had done. I would step back a little and give him time to come to terms with things himself. I am not sure this indicates he is unhappy with you and your sex life just unsure of himself.
I hope you resolve this and go on to enjoy a happy retirement.

My DH has been using it for years, and Cialis too ( lasts longer). He buys it off the Internet to save money.

Don't worry about it ! Maybe you think your sex life is satisfactory, but he might honestly have a little trouble with the physical side of it . Viagra does have a very good effect on the "get up and go" side of things.

It's certainly no insult to you - and I'm not sure why this would make you upset . Just ignore it - he takes a tablet and things go along just like before. It won't turn him into a sex machine , it just makes things work a little better than they have been.

That is a realistic and reassuring post for the OP stella I agree that she should approach it with an open mind.
I think is is the reluctance to talk that is the problem not the actual use.

Love is all in the head, don't make an issue of if it gives him more confidence then that has got to be positive.
A friend of mine confessed that her DH was using it, and it really rejuvenated her flagging love life and he was only 55.
Women use HRT men Viagra, would he be upset if you had used HRT , give him a chance.

Thanks, maybe I’m over reacting but it was a shock when I hadn’t noticed any problem with him and our sex life was as active as usual
Trying to ge5 him to discuss will be an uphill struggle tho

Hello Grannythree - is it possible that your husband is (unbeknown to you) having difficulties getting and maintaining an erection? Men don't always talk about these things - at least my husband doesn't find it easy and I really had to work at having a conversation about our sex life. It's apparently very common for older blokes to have trouble gettingetting ready for sex so personally I was not at all offended when he purchased a packet of Viagra. Best wishes and hope you both get it sorted.

I’m not sure you understand about the aging process in men or about what Viagra does. It’s nothing to do with how good a sex life is or desire or anything to do with your desirability.

It’s just a drug that expands the veins allowing blood to flow more freely. That’s all.

Would statins horrify you? Would you object to him taking tablets for thyroid problems say?

As for communication he was open with you and you’re the one that shut down the conversation, I think, with your reaction. Now how is he going to tell you that he finds it harder to get an erection and that it fades away before he can make love to you.

If it was embarrassing for him before it’s impossible for him to have that conversation now. No wonder he’s shut down.

Please try to see it from his point of view rather than your own over emotional reaction.

Perhaps he is having physical difficulties. I don't think you should be offended, angry or upset. Women's bodies change so why shouldn't men's bodies alter too?

I hope everything goes well for you both.

Stella1949 well said! It really is no big deal at all, you can't expect a man to perform as if he was still 30 years old.If it helps him in any way, physically or just confidence then he should go for it.No reason to feel upset.

The one thing that concerns me is if he's using it without having had a complete checkup. Erectile dysfunction can sometimes stem from problems such as atherosclerosis and diabetes. He should be evaluated for these if he's having trouble maintaining an erection. I'm not opposed to Viagra or similar medications on principle; they can work very well. I just would hate to see a man have a problem that goes undiagnosed because he didn't see his provider before something serious happened.

Grannythree it is a bit of a shock when its first mentioned but as Stella1949 says don't worry about it, its no reflection on you, he just wants to carry on enjoying himself a bit longer make the most of it!

Granny I think you are instantly jumping to the wrong conclusion that he’s not satisfied with YOUR love making when it’s exactly the opposite he s obviously worry he’s not good enough for you
Look he’s obviously embarrassed about it hence the internet and now you ve read him all wrong and probably making him unsure how to reassure you without putting his foot in it even further
Just cos you haven’t noticed a difference, he obviously has and is doing what he can to preserve himself and your sexlife you should be thanking the man for being thoughtful and wanting to continue with an active sex life
Please give him a break, he’s not having an affair

Him buying Viagra is much more about him than you. But I understand your feelings its all a bit difficult to think about if you are not used to it.
He should consider his health however. Viagra is not for everyone (personal experience) and there are other 'varieties' that a Doctor can help with. Perhaps its easier for you to talk about it as if its just a medicine.....then you would both look at the, pardon the pun, ups and downs of said medication. Doctors are very blasé about such matters my previous GP was beginning to specialise in what she considered over 60s sex and was, forgive the pun again, always banging on about it.
Please do not see this as a criticism, he might have thought of it more as a compliment to you - he felt he needed a little assistance to, and once again a pun, keep up with you. And yes its a subject I do feel needs a little humour when its all a bit too personal and strange! Good luck but do make sure he's being health conscious.

I agree with other posters. It’s not about your sex life being unsatisfactory - it sounds more like his own issues regarding his body. I would add that if he is having trouble maintaining an erection or any problems using the toilet he should have a prostate check. I speak from experience.

Levitra is better.

It gives you both 36 hours to be more spontaneous.

I am wondering if instead of being shocked, offended and taking it personally, you could have talked together about why he actually wants to use it. As others have said, he may be feeling insecure. This could be a good opportunity to have a proper discussion about your sex life.

There is absolutely no need for you to feel hurt - My husband has been taking Cialis for several years (he's 53) because he noticed he was having problems achieving a firm erection. We went to the Dr and he explained that as men get older, it is more difficult to achieve a firm erection due to narrowing of the arteries and that Cialis and Viagra open the arteries. This is no reflection on us as women and you should be happy that your husband has been honest with you and told you. I should imagine that your reaction has caused him to go 'back into his shell' and I think you need to do some research online and then sit him down and tell him you understand why he might feel the need to use viagra and also tell him that it's fine and it doesn't bother you.

I was shocked when my husband said the same however I knew he had a problem he has diabetes and couldn't maintain an erection he was devastated. We always had a loving relationship he took himself off to the doctors and the doctor said it was part of the diabetes symptom. All well now.

Perhaps you could move to the spare room to avoid this? A friend of mine always gets up early to walk the dog as her hubby is over friendly first thing!