Not dealing with this well at all

Well said Paddyann.It is always the children who suffer.The breakup should be handled with as little disruption to the children's lives as possible.

I should have been more clear...discuss creative ways with the other caregivers

I haven't read every single post, so it's possible someone may have already offered similar advice.....

Do the other relatives/caregivers share your concerns? Have any of them talked to you about any of this? If so, this could be an opportunity to organize an intervention.

If the above is not feasible, the other thing that comes to mind is for you discuss creative ways to provide more consistency and normalcy in the their young lives.

Having been in this situation myself, and seen it a few time with others, I think the willing relatives should step back a bit. These poor children have had their lives turned upside down, and they need stability. Well done for her moving on, but she and the ex need to put the children first for a bit longer, especially now! I see trouble ahead if both parents don't get their act together an put the children first. It does of course depend on your relationship with both of them, but I have to say, I think I would be reading the riot act by now!

peace - Such a complicated situation. The parents are part of the "Me" generation, and may use the phrases "I need space", "I need Me time". And the kids are shunted from one bed to another while their parents are out having fun.
I have been that mum. After my divorce, for a while I just needed to break loose, and catch up on fun time. I had good baby sitters at home so I was lucky.
And I am now that grandmother, with a granddaughter with severe separation anxiety. She doesn't want to leave her father (sole custodial parent), so he is having difficulty in getting any breaks at all. Part of his problem is that he dumped her on me too many times, didn't fetch her when he said he would, left her overnight when she thought he would come and fetch her. So she doesn't want to leave him, even though she knows she has a safe, loving place here with me for overnight visits.
This is a time for all to tread lightly and with empathy. And put the children first.

No-one could 'put it all right'. People will do silly and bad things. But, you can be a rock and a refuge for the GC when they need it. You may not feel it is making a difference, but it will for when they are older. BUT do not be so much help that your own life goes awry - that will not help anyone.

So sorry that you are in this situation. Things might improve now that school's back which may force your daughter into some sort of routine. For your own sanity try writing down everything that is worrying you. You might then want to write a letter for your daughter emphasising how much you love her and the children and then say that you want to share your worries with her. Make it clear that you want to support her and the children as much as possible but that their parents are the most important people in their lives and that you and other relatives are only back up.
I hope that things improve for you all.

Elrel my son and his partner split 8 years ago,their daughter was 18 months old.She has split her week between her parents ever since and she's a lovely happy wee girl .It depends on how its handled by the parents.She's a real Daddy's girl and she loves her time here .

Sorry Agnuse the post was meant for peace at last !

Agnurse you and your daughter have to sort this out for you your daughter and the children’s sake.
If you cannot talk to her write her a letter with all your worries in it but try to make the letter unjudgmental .
I would ask her to come round and give her time and space to read it .
She will then at least know how you are feeling and may help you both to then talk about it . Good luck.

The word 'seems' sometimes cloaks a variety of health issues which often manifest themselves in later years, maybe teens, maybe 20s or later.
Will children come to resent and blame parents for not being 'there' if events in their lives take a wrong turn?
All is NOT as it SEEMS.

I can’t believe anyone could suggest Social Services should be involved. The children are not being neglected nor even emotionally neglected since it’s clear they are much loved. SS have too much to do already without being bothered about children who would rather be at home than wherever they are being looked after.

Peaceatlast I hope your daughter settles back down into her mothering rôle. Many children of working single mothers are of necessity dropped at Breakfast club before school at a very young age then collected by a childminder and finally taken home at almost bedtime. Then grandparents and other relatives/friends will look after them from time to time at weekends to enable mum to get out. Children come to accept situations so long as they are not being harmed.

Perhaps in our day, on the whole, mothers were resigned to their lot when left to bring up the children on their own but these days a young mother is hoping for a new relationship and a lifetime companion. Hopefully the excitement of it will dampen down and she will return to putting the children first.

My mother’s mother, a feisty lady by no means allowing the children to get in her way, turned into ‘the Merry Widow’ after her husband’s death when Mother was 9, she used to tell me, and she was left to look after two smaller brothers while her mother went gallivanting. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you and other family prepared to care for them in the meantime. Of course you worry for them but try not to stress to the point of making yourself ill.?

Worst possible advice from agnurse, who seems intent on stirring. Plenty of good advice here, peaceatlast, so just ignore what is clearly meant to provoke.
I wish you and your family well.

This is a bit of an Al Anon (for partners of alcoholics) situation. It is affecting you badly but it is only your daughter who can do anything about it. You have to learn to control the things you can and let go the things you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. (End of Al Anon quote).

My daughter is similar - she puts her own needs above those of the children. She is out far too often and they have lots of different people picking up, minding etc., always have done. There is nothing I can do to change this, it's just the way it is. All I can do is fill in gaps. However painful for me it is their life, not mine.

For what it's worth one of my GCs is/was very highly strung and I worried a lot about him - now he is 15 he seems perfectly OK, kids are more resilient than we think.

agnurse coming up with yet another of her unkind posts that puts the grandparent in the wrong. Please don't take any notice of her post, you are distressed enough about the situation that your beloved grandchildren are in, and worried enough about your daughter's behaviour. You have received some very good and kind suggestions from other grans, and I don't have any better advice for you, so I'm sending you simply a caring response and to let you know I've read your post and I sympathise with your difficult situation. Hopefully your daughter will settle down soon and the children will be happier with your love and support.

Reading this it sounded like katie price

It's the Me generation. Must be awful to see all this happening but really very little you can do without being the interfering GP. You will no doubt support your DG however and whenever you can. Hopefully the adults will come to their senses and realise life isn't all about them.

You are right to be concerned about this situation, and the behaviour of both parents. Your daughter is divorcing her husband , not her children, and leaving a marriage for whatever reason does not betoken a return to the single life when children are involved.
I feel great sympathy for working parents finding child care to cover their work during school holidays, but once term time starts the children need the security of their home base as much as possible, including weekends. This would be the worst possible time for you to move away; you are a point of stability for your vulnerable grandsons trying to cope with their parents' irresponsible behaviour.
No doubt your daughter does cry, but she HAS to put her young children first, as should her husband.
Are you able to care for the children in their own home, strictly on your terms, making it clear you are not available for nights out with the girls, or boys, but for work purposes only? Friends are being sympathetic and helpful at present but will soon discover that their own commitments take precedence.
Once the divorce proceedings are under way, child care and maintenance are big issues which will have to be sorted out legally, assigning both parents rights and responsibilities ; hopefully both will have grown up by then and recognise their parental roles.
Whatever you do, don't abandon your grandchildren at this crucial time, but possibly consider distancing yourself later when the situation is more stable.

Your daughter doesn't waste much time. Fancy her thinking that offloading her children onto other relatives would keep her children on an even keel so soon after their father left.
No decent mother would do that, OR have a social life at the expense of her children's welfare.

Barmeyoldbat Social Services would need to be informed if any professional, in contact with the children, felt they were suffering. New expectations for child protection makes it illegal not to report concerns. For example if a teacher felt there had been a significant change in a child's behaviour/ demeanour /impact on their learning etc.
Hopefully the situation for OP and family will settle down to a less urgent need for mum to feel she needs to nurture her new romance.
The children's well being need to be the priority when considering any arrangements not mum's or dad's needs.

Peaceatlast - Sorry you're so stressed, it's an upsetting situation. Some good, supportive advice on here, I hope things calm down as time goes on.
Now term is starting the older boys will need to be in regular routines for school. Personally I think a week split between their parents would be disruptive in all kinds of ways. Weekends (some weekends?) with their father would probably be more sensible for everyone. I don't know how his football would be affected but that's his problem.
You don't say how your husband is seeing the situation. It is good that everyone is in touch and lives fairly near. I'm sure you know that as you get used to all these changes you'll provide a steady influence in your beloved grandsons' lives.
All good wishes, your holiday may enable you to take a longer, calmer look at how things are working out, it's early days yet. ?

Stay calm, peaceatlast, try not to interfere and just try to be there for the children and your daughter whenever they need you. You're getting very worked up about it all. There's a good chance that it will all settle down now that the school term has restarted.

All the best to you.

Don't get Social Services involved, that was a stupid suggestion. Your daughter has family and friends supporting her and it would be far better if you had a strong word with her and then went on holiday. Now school is back it will hopefully sort itself out.

I fully appreciate the need to 'get out there' after a relationship, which has been deteriorating over a while, ends but both parents need to make sure impact on their children is minimised.

Neglecting children's emotional needs is now considered a form of abuse. I am not saying this is what is happening but the children will be feeling a bit vulnerable and confused in their new family arrangement. It is important for their well being to keep things as stable as possible.
In a similar situation my DH came to stay from Friday night to Sunday evening every alternate weekend and I went away. This meant kids were in familiar surroundings, could attend any clubs/ friends playdates etc. as normal. Also it did not make dad the provider of all treats: trips out etc. and he had to do the washing of school uniform. prepare meals etc. so they maintained a more 'normal' relationship with him. There should be a routine for the children, preferably one that they are involved in sorting out and are happy with. Their mum needs to put her needs on hold for a little while and dad needs to step up too, to make sure he plays his part. Good luck..never easy.

And yes agnurse- once a mum,always a mum- if we have to 'scold' our grown up children we do- if they act like children- im not apologising for that- i think youre out of line suggesting SS too- you seem to be quick to 'pass the buck' on things, it seems you dont like to sort out a reasonable solution for things- if you cant suggest anything helpful/constructive for the OP then dont make a suggestion.sorry but sometimes it has to be said.