Mothers

I wonder if these posts would appear on mumsnet? Women now have far more choices to have children or not and careers etc. My mum now 88 just got married and gave up work to have us. Pretty standard stuff in the 50/60/s.

Not excusing any of this cruel behaviour but it must be incredibly frustrating to have baby after baby if you are not maternal or capable or mothering.

I wonder if things are different now? My youngest dd is 19 and we are far far closer than I was with my mum even though she was a good mum. I choose to have my 5 children. My mum didn’t really have the choices I had.

Telly - I agree with your comment about trying not yo judge them too harshly. I find that easier now she is gone, understanding the era in which she was born and how that shaped her personality and her life. And also the physical aspects - I now have no doubt that she suffered dreadfully with PMT and that nowadays she could have been helped with that.

Unfortunately,coming to a place where I no longer judge her so harshly does not take away the memory of feeling generally unhappy during my childhood. That is a sad legacy that I have to live with. What happened happened.

The not cuddling comments resonate with me. She did not know how to show love to anyone - her husband and us children bore the brunt. I can remember at age about 5 feeling very sad and following her around the house asking for a cuddle and she just told me not to be silly. Extraordinary that this memory is still there 65 years later.

When she was ill with dementia and in a home, one of the carers told me that she had said to her that she loved her; then added "almost as much as I love my daughter" - what a pity she never said that when she was alive.

Another strain of childhood was the unspoken rule that we had to present a happy face to the outside world - how very stressful that was!

My mother was very tough. Left home to marry my dad because my gm didn’t like him. She was# exactly the same with us three hard on us and yet loved us all very much. She adored my brother and he left and joined the army because he couldn’t stand the over protection. My sister married at 21 and that left me the youngest at home, I met a nice man or so I thought but our relationship took a lot of strain because my mum didn’t like him. Eventually we split up but I met my husband and married at 23.
She gave my dear old dad a hard time but he stuck in there
I miss her very much. My parenting for my two kids was so different I vowed I would be a good mum to them and I think I was though my son has died we were very close and my daughter and I have a lovely relationship.

It's sad to read of the many who have had unhappy childhoods; I sometimes feel that those who were happy are in the minority. It wasn't till I grew up and started to move about in the world and visit other people's homes as a teenager that I saw other people's lives and realised that there could be homes with some laughter and not tension.

My mother was neglectful to the nth degree and did not protect me from my father. However, I always felt she cared for me and, although I had to leave home at 18 to get a start in life, I cannot condemn her. She had a hard start in life herself and, indeed, all of our parents are the product of their own upbringing in times of very different attitudes to children and child rearing.

I wonder if some of the condemnation on this page is the result of people never stopping to take stock of the situation their parents were in when they were rearing offspring. It is always comforting to nurse a grudge but it isn't always fair. I can't help feeling that at least some of these stories might well be a case of the child being more hard hearted than the parent. Of course, some are not.

I say this because I have seen cases of scapegoating. My own sister blames my mother and myself for things which are solely her own choosing and doing. There comes a point at which one has to grow up and take responsibilty for one's own life.

I never had cuddles, never heard the words 'I love you', we didn't want for anything as in clothes, toys, food, we had days out and holidays a clean well cared for home. i was the eldest by 5 years and when I was about 15 my mum said to my sister 'don't grow up like your sister' and there are many many things that tell me my sister was favourite. At 17 I got pregnant and was put in a home, when my mum found out her very first words were 'what will the neighbours say'? i married a man I did not love to get away from home as I was repeatedly told 'No man will want you' (because I had a son) so as soon as this man said he would marry me I jumped at it, then endured some years of beatings and cruelty. In later years mum developed alzheimer's, I moved house twice as she got worse and worse to live nearer to her and my Dad. I cared for them daily for 6 years, even tho in the last year she had to go into a care home but Dad was still at home so I had to go daily to care for him. Since they died (about 20 years ago, both aged 90), my Dad has visited me (in spirit) and has told mediums that 'he shouldn't have put me in a home and that I turned out OK in the end?????

I didn't have the hard time that many describe but I know my mother very much preferred my older sister, her first born, over me. I know she resented that I was more academically inclined than either of my sisters. I loved school!

Like paddyann, I'm the middle one between two prettier sisters. I've mentioned before that my grandfather once took me aside and kindly explained that although I wasn't as pretty as my sisters, I was 'attractive' and that would stand me in good stead! At the time I was a bit downcast. Doesn't every girl want to be pretty? But guess what? He was right! The point is, I've often wondered why he felt he should tell me something like that but now, reading this thread, I realise my mother had probably pointed out the deficit! He loved me and wanted to reassure me. Fortunately for me, I had a fairly normal relationship with my sisters even though they were pretty! ?

Over the years, my mother gave my sisters many spontaneous gifts of household things, clothes and money. She never thought of me except at Christmas, when differences would be noticed, but it didn't worry me much (except the slow cookers she gave each of them! ?). Her taste in clothes was pretty bad anyway! She was very fond of my husband but it was hard for him to express gratitude for some of the awful jumpers she chose for him!

Basically, I think she spent a lot of time trying to equalise the three of us! That was an impossible task. We are all three different people.

I've long since forgiven my mother for not loving me. She was a human being, formed by her own childhood experiences and she never hit or neglected me physically. Weirdly, my sisters both have their own memories of childhood that are quite different from mine!

Remember: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

Thankyou for all the stories. You are all so brave and strong - you survived. I was moved to tears by many.

My mother used to tell me she had a cold, unloving childhood, and obviously decided to bring me up under the same rules. Last year on a family day out watching my DGs running and playing my DS said he was trying to make sure his children had the happy childhood he had always enjoyed- then he wondered why I burst into tears. The cycle can be broken.

I can't relate to this personally but I am very sorry for all of you who had unloving mothers. The only way past it is, if you have your own children, to do and be the opposite.

I left home the day I did my last A level to get away from parents, went to live w grandmother. Both parents nasty in different ways.

Since then I have noticed that all my female friends, once I got to know them, also had problems with their mothers.

I did not want to escape from my parents at all but I did defy them and refused a place at Bristol University to study law, no regrets!!!

Very interesting thread. My Mother was a nightmare to myself and one brother in every way possible but absolutely adored her youngest child who could do no wrong and is still perfect in every way. However my Grandchildren,my friends and her neighbors all think she is this adorable loving lady and tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful Mother! One Grandson commented l am exactly like her which really hurt but l know he only knows her as a loving indulgent Great Grandmother. I don’t think the experiences ever leave you, sadly

Sadly these were the women of yesterday, society demanded they marry and have children; no one ever asked them if that's what they wanted, so many children paid a high price for their resentments. I too had a hard to live with mum who only had eyes for my brother when he arrived 10 years later. In her later years, she came to realise who it was who really cared for her and we just agreed to disagree as I grew older. I did, however, take from her a solid sense of survival which I passed onto my boys, she in effect taught me a lot and that's what I have taken from the arena. She was who she was and I refuse to let it hold me back. Time and a need to move on is a great healer.

My partner had an appalling childhood every which way
- both parent/step parent equally responsible. He says he could easily have ended up either dead or a criminal! However, the love, support and intervention he received from his maternal grandparents - who did not live nearby, by the way - showed him another way. He has lived a useful life in public service and is now a much loved grandparent himself. So, yes, as 123kitty has said,the cycle can be broken. And grandparents can make a huge difference. {smiley]

This post resonates with me on many levels. I'm the youngest of 3 with two older brothers.There's a 7 year gap between me and the youngest of the brothers and only 12 months between those two. Strangely, our birthdays are all within a few days of each other at the end of May going down from eldest to youngest!

My Dad was the youngest of a family of 6 brothers and wanted a daughter. I heard the story many times of how she resented having to start again when I was born and I lost count of the times she used to say if she could have her time again she wouldn't have kids. My Dad was a loving man and was good to all of us especially my Mum. He worked hard all his life and basically she made his life a misery with her constant moaning. She'd regularly stop talking to him for weeks at a time over the smallest things. She was domineering and manipulative and thought nothing of turning family members against each other. One son was her darling, she adored him. When she had dementia and was finally in a home, this adored son hardly ever visited, used to connive money out of her at every opportunity and basically deserted her. I, meanwhile, the 'trouble' in her eyes, did everything. Looked out for her, visited most days and made sure she wasn't being ill treated. She was loving in the end, when she had dementia, but I often used to think if she ever realised how conniving the darling son was it would have killed her. Life and families are difficult for some people and some women just aren't cut out to be mothers. My mother was shallow. She loved having a show home and never used to stop cleaning it and we just got in the way. As one poster said, years ago they didn't have a choice and didn't have much say regarding how many children they had. My Dad died at 57. She was just 50 and died at 91. She never had another man, said she'd had the best husband in the world blah blah. Basically she thought sex was disgusting and in all truth no other man would have put up with her.

I think I might have thought sex was disgusting if there had not been safe ways of avoiding pregnancy! - one after the other!

I understand - my relationship with my Mum was difficult - not helped by the fact she was convinced I was not actually her child in the first place. I had been in hospital as a toddler and was expected to die but - in her own words - when they visited the next morning 'you were up and like a completely different child'. She believed I had been swopped with another baby that had been found abandoned and was the same age as me. I was watched all the time for evidence this was the case - my olive skin and dark hair were held up as proof, as was a birthmark on my leg (which 'her' baby didn't have) plus a lack of huge tonsils (my siblings had these) all gave her 'proof'. I had both my children before my Dad passed away, my sister had her only child after Dad died. When I was at Mum's later that week she commented how sad it was that Dad hadn' t seen 'his' grandson. I mentioned my son and she responded with ' I meant 'his' grandson'. I did love my Mum but she was always distant with me and would shy away from being hugged. After she died it niggled away at me until I decided to do a DNA test with my older half sister who I had confided in about Mum's behaviour with me - she was more than happy to help. The results came back with slightly more than a 50% match, so, at least, I know for sure Dad was my Dad. I do suspect however, that Mum would seize on the doubts about DNA testing if she was still here and would still not acknowledge it.

I was always on good terms with mum and in turn I think all my daughters were happy with me, although they all left home soon after their 18th.
The youngest sent me a fridge magnet " mothers hold our hands for a while but our hearts for ever", 20 yrs on it is still there.
They all wanted to run their own lives and who can argue with that.

I didn't have a happy time at home when I was a child. Too much to go into but I wanted to say especially here- my grandparents were absolutely wonderful and visits to them were the the highlights of my life. I learned so much from them (on both sides) and really try hard to emulate them and their interest and care when with my own GSs.
Thank God for grandparents!!

These posts make me so sad. I had a wonderful mum who sadly died when she was only 58. She got to see my daughter who was only 10 months old when she died. I think I am a good mum but would loved to have her wisdom for longer. Still miss her everyday.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I could have wished for a happier childhood but it was a long time ago and, as I said above, I have had an exceptionally happy life since then and believe that I have broken the cycle too.

The 'trouble' is we are human - most of us are doing our best, most of the time. Let's forgive ourselves and our parents. We are kintsugi.
www.lifegate.com/people/lifestyle/kintsugi

I loved my Mum. She died when I was a young teenager and as an only child was brought up by my my father which wasn’t always easy. Still miss her now although I’m an old lady with 4 young grandchildren, who I love to bits and I think they feel that too. She had a very strict upbringing and I’ve always wanted to be the grandma her mum wasn’t to me.