Is it bad to read spouse‘s diary?

Good Grief,
It is a two edged sword reading someone else’s deepest thoughts. It probably leads to no good. Even so, I would have great trouble resisting a diary....I am just so curious and interested.
It’s not sinister...it’s something you know you shouldn’t do...but I feel tempted.
I don’t open my husbands mail....but I want to.
All these admirable self righteous people on here. Wow. I am sitting on the naughty step as I write, as I am obviously evil.
The OP husband’s feelings need soothing now....to get everything back on a even keel.

SylviaPlathsister- I am afraid I am not a saintly enough person to soothe his feelings right now.

I agree that you should not read someone's Dairy but leaving it in sight unlocked is tempting and teasing, if it is private, keep it private and out of sight.

There’s a lot of talk about trust here. The comments of all those who are horrified at OP ‘s husband reading her diary, would be more than justified if it was a child, parent or sibling, but although their feelings about a spouse being entitled to privacy are justified, on the other hand one could argue that if a couple are happily married, they would share and talk through any problems and not keep secrets from each other. I can understand that a husband might feel disappointed and left out, on reading the diary and discovering that he was not being treated like a helpmate and confidant, but I also understand the motive of the OP in keeping him in the dark and now feeling betrayed.
But I do think it was naive not to hide the diary and maybe the husband saw that as an indication that it was not really private, at least in relation to him.
Perhaps the attitude to keeping a diary is different for women - they are genuinely secret thoughts, but for men the motive might be quite different - they really want them to be read?

starbird the OP stated that there were no marital issues mentioned in the diary that she had not raised face to face.

And EVERYONE is entitled to their own private thoughts. Your partner is not your property they are their own entity.

I suppose I am applying my own standards here. I would not snoop , however tempted , unless I was worried for my loved ones safety or mental health. There is nothing for DH to worry about there. My anger was that I have never had a reason to hide my diary as I always assumed he wouldn’t pry, in the same way that he can trust me. I was also angry that he was hurt by some of the way I had written my thoughts.

Katerina, yes it was very wrong of your husband to read your diary without your permission and no you are not being unreasonable to feel a serious violation of trust has occurred.

Given that you say positive things about your husband and marriage generally could it be that your husband was just stickybeaking and perhaps had not realised the despair and complexity of some your feelings about your daughter's problems? Rather than there being a sinister or abusive motive maybe he is shocked by the hurt and struggles you have written about and doesn't know how to deal with this? He may feel he has failed you and not supported you or really understood the issues you have had to deal with and is now being a bit defensive about having read the diary.

Yes, there has been a significant breach of trust but in an otherwise good marriage can you move on with a clear understanding that reading someone else's private diary is never ok behaviour but perhaps, as the silver lining to the cloud, your husband now has a better understanding of the issues you are dealing with? ?

If I found Mr Lemongroves diary kicking around, I would definitely read it.
I think a lot of wives would, and for a wife's diary, then a husband would be tempted to read it.

Private diaries should be kept in a locked drawer, it's asking too much to leave them lying around.

I would say it is wrong But! I suspected a partner of cheating once with good reason so I read it. I know I shouldnt have even so. I was right. I wish I hadn't.
However in this case your husband was just curious. Not even half an excuse. No he shouldnt have.
I would never do it again.

I don't think it's suspecting them of cheating, just natural curiosity about somebody that you love, have lived with a long time and wanting to know everything about them.

I would be furious if someone read mine thats why I urned them ,surely we are entitled to privacy ,at least where our thoughts are concerned .I would never read mail or e-mails or texts so why would I read a diary? I would expect my OH to understand that and I know he wouldn't read my e-mails or snail mail either ,its called respect .

He is right out of order and, IMO, you should not discuss the contents with him unless you really want to. He has no right to know and probe your innermost thoughts.

Yes, totally wrong. I would be really annoyed. Why should anyone think they have a right to snoop into your private thoughts?

An issue that no one has addressed or mentioned is why on earth has Katerina 0822 posted her scenario and comments on this forum in the first place . If she was looking for " support " she has certainly received that - I would like to bet that 100% of commenters who have expressed support are female. So sheprobably now feels more justified (self-righteous ) in her responses. I don't see much sign of her climbing down from this position - which does not bode well -but hopefully they can gradually rebuild some trust and grow closer.between them.

I agree Lemongrove its difficult to resist. But you have to be able to trust each other to respect privacy. applies to phones and emails etc as well.

Some things in life are private and diaries are right up there and should not be read without the writer's consent. I no longer keep a diary but would trust that my better half wouldn't read it if I did - your husband shouldn't have invaded your privacy like this - I'd see it as a bit of a betrayal of trust. My better half is great with computers and I know he could easily check what I do, sites I visit etc but doesn't, neither would I consider checking his phone, laptop, e-mails or anything. We get very little in this world that is private, so if people see a diary that's not theirs they should not even pick it up let alone read it - too nosy - and I'm as curious as the next person, but some lines you do not cross. Shame if you need to resort to a lockable and/or password-protected diary!

stringvest why on earth should she climb down? He was in the wrong and he needs to apologise and assure her it will never happen again.The lesson to be learned is his ,not hers

paddyann . To move on , draw a line under this episode and start forgiving herself for her part in this. Once she has started to be able to forgive herself she will find space to start forgiving her husband as well - which would probably lead to the same from her husband . If she doesn't "climb down " this situation is going to lead to mutual resentment - and Katerina 0822 is going to find it harder as nearly all the responses have understood her response which will tend to have entrenched her view thtat " she is right and he is wrong " - and never the twain shall meet.

Your partner is completely wrong to have invaded your privacy and is also immature not to know that sometimes people confide things to a diary which they don't mean in reality or forever because they are a form of venting. I am well aware that I think things about my DH which are tetchiness or exagerrated because I am feeling grumpy. He knows that. We air our differences and get over them.

Any ill one reads of oneself by spying on another is richly deserved.

I don't agree that one should have to bare one's soul and disclose every scrap of a thought or feeling, to a partner.
Diaries IMO can be like a counsellor. We write, amend, reflect, review from day to day. What we feel today may cancel out the thoughts of yesterday. Problems may be solved in the meantime, between entries. It can be a comfort to pledge our thoughts to paper, knowing that we can look back at mountains that now seem like molehills...and smile, having dealt with them.
Diaries are our own life story which we can re-read whenever we like.

Lilyflower from experience I agree absolutely. There is nothing to gain and much to lose by spying on your partners private writings.

annep… 'I can resist anything but temptation!' quote from Oscar Wilde.

Katerina I do understand how you feel, but not the idea that you can leave this very private diary around the place.

Private means exactly that, and if your DH can see it, then anyone in your house can.Find a hidey hole for it asap.

As a teen I kept diaries. It was very personal to me. Then when I was 19 my boyfriend read all my diaries while I was at work. I was so upset I threw them all on the fire. I married him and even now he will mention something that he read. He has no shame about reading them.