husband and children/grandchildr en

You don't say if you are of a similar age as him Manny, but if you are, I can very much imagine it's very daunting to contemplate the upheaval of divorce and splitting of assets and money. Especially as you are already feeling so low and stressed. It's such a puzzle that he happily welcomes one of your children into your homes but not the others. He either bears a grudge, or perhaps feels overwhelmed (not having had children himself) when they are all together in a crowd. You don't say whether you still love him. But you have been unhappy for far too long and to the point of it making you ill so you must change the situation. If you still love him, you could sit him down, tell him how unhappy it's making you and that you will only continue with the relationship if he welcomes all of your children and cuts back a bit with work. If he refuses, or if you no longer love him, then I think, as someone else suggested, you should travel to whichever of your homes he is not in and have a break by yourself to be very sure of your feelings. Then ask your children for support and divorce him. You can't make yourself ill. It will be harder if you love him I know but perhaps after 2 years of feeling so wretched that's gone anyway. I wish you luck and future happiness.

Thanks for that, breeze. All of the comments on Gransnet are very much appreciated.

If you leave you will be on your own and have to make your own decision. Will the family closeness be the same as hard working families are always so busy and in 8 years things change.

Before you go, try doing your own thing, visit your family and friends when you want to and feel happy he is not there. Go on holiday or take up some new interest so you are out of the house all things you will have to do if you leave. Don't be there all the time for him giving yourself more reason to be unhappy. The time he spends on arranging a sport event and on the computer etc sounds like the time my husband spends watching football and you have heard of golf widows. You must have known he did this before you married him 4 years ago and I don't think 78 is too old to do this. I have a 90+ friend who organises charity bridge tournaments all year.

You must also have known he had a problem with your family if you had been together for 4 years before you married him.

Not sure if your family are up to it but invite them to stay at your home, if he objects or is difficult say you will pay for a hotel for him as you want some family time in your home. Are the guests that stay with you his friends and family? It sounds a bit childish to refuse to have them but tempting.

Reading what you say I think you want the marriage to be one way and he only knows another and he is use to getting his own way. As others have said, a bit of respite from one another will give you a chance to rest and recover and decide the best way forward.

What a misery - has he read a Christmas Carol? It might help but I doubt it. He clearly has no experience of children - and has no intention of discovering the joy they bring- we all know the boring downsides but that’s life - it’s the upsides that matter - he will never know that - walk away from this empty shell of a man - unless he can embrace you and your children - he doesn’t seem to know what love is all about - but knows a lot about his own selfish needs. Xx

we have a lovely house in France
The word that jumps out at me here is we
It is your house, your home too.
How miserable that you cannot invite your family to your home.

Some of the posts on here and on MN which advocate leaving a husband for fairly insubstantial reasons are quite horrifying to my mind - but in this case, speaking for myself, I could not put up with this.
I can't advise you what to do - but this sounds like purgatory.

Please see a solicitor who may be able to advise you on your legal position regarding the house etc.
I don't know how old you are many but you deserve better than this, and alone, with your loving family to support you, would be better.

sorry - many, not many

It is easy to say leave this lonely and unhappy marriage but if it taking medication and or therapy to cope with it, you are in the wrong place. Tick tock! We only have one life!! Do what he is doing and put yourself first.

Yes, I was in a similar joyless situation for twenty years and eight weeks ago, I decided I'd had enough. I've left him in the home I loved and now live in a rented flat. What the future holds I have no idea, but although I miss my home so much it is almost a physical pain, I have freedom from the anxiety that accompanied me 24/7; freedom to do as I choose; It's not an easy decision to make. It depends on your circumstances. Everyone's different, but if I can do it, then I would encourage anyone who feels they're living half a life to do think seriously about doing the same thing.

Manny, your situation echoes so much of what I have experienced over the past few years. I tried very hard to improve our relationship , we went for counselling (both individually and as a couple) but DH did not engage with this, and I was always the one at fault for any problems between us. He has an anger issue (which he admits to but
says he does not know to deal with). I have decided that enough is enough, and when we move away from here next year we will not live together unless he works on his issues.
Maybe your husband has depression or other issues (low self esteem or a personality problem). You can lead the horse to water...and all that. Please don’t endure this situation -we only have one life, no second chances.
I wish you happiness and contentment for the future. ??

If he was like this before you married, you may have hoped he would change. People rarely change in my experience.

The only thing to do is decide what YOU want from life and if it means leaving in order to feel happy again then this is what you need to confront and consider.

Weigh up the pros, cons & consequences of whatever decision you make. I wish you well and hope you will be able to find a way through.

I read this earlier on in a magazine, by Sheenagh Pugh:

'What if this road, that has no held surprises
these many years, decided not to go
home after all; what if it could turn
left or right with no more ado
than a kite-tail? What if its tarry skin
were like a long, supple bolt of cloth,
that is shaken and rolled out, and takes
a new shape from the contours beneath?
And if it chose to lay itself down
in a new way; around a blind corner,
across hills you must climb without knowing
what’s on the other side; who would not hanker
to be going, at all risks? Who wants to know
a story’s end, or where a road will go?'

You don't mention the ages of your grandchildren so I'm just wondering if the one AC he will accept has children who are older and not so boisterous? If he has never had children of his own he possibly didn't realise the upheaval having youngsters to stay can cause. Certainly a houseful of both adults and little ones is a very noisy time and if he's trying to work (or spend time on his planning) he may not be able to cope.

It does sound as though you've reached the end of the line though - if you do have another property it might be an idea to start to take time out there to get yourself in the right headspace to make the right decision. It's very difficult to do that if you're constantly feeling resentment. If at the end of the day you feel you need to leave permanently you will have already started to make the break.

Good luck.

You sound as if you are fairly comfortable financially which is a help. If so everything is easier in what is a very difficult situation.

What I do know is that you deserve to have some joy in your life. And your lovely family brings you joy. So in the end it is quite simple. Every day could be our last, so we must treasure each day.

Your husband can hire in a housekeeper or look after himself. He sounds to be a capable organiser.

Good luck, I hope you feel brave enough to change your circumstances. I wouldn’t contemplate trying to change a 78 year old. It’s a waste of effort as the last 2 years have demonstrated. So embrace your new life, even if you have to make new friends & not rely solely on your long suffering children & grandchildren. You can do it, I feel it in my bones

Women are strange, we're far too nurturing and understanding of men who are too old and selfish to deserve nurturing. Sounds like the kids care about you more than he does, after all they're still coming out to see you, even though they have the hassle and expense of having to lodge nearby.

"I can't see any solution to this, other than to separate. I don't want to do this"

" I'm afraid of loneliness, I suppose."

Loneliness and being alone are two very different things. And I don't think you'd even be alone if you were to separate - do you? Loneliness is what you are experiencing now, in a marriage where you need drugs to get through your day. Yes, that was a very harsh statement - but it's true, isn't it? Your marriage is making you anxious, depressed and angry. I really don't see how clinging on to a dead relationship is in any way a good thing for you.

You already know what needs to happen - you knew it before you posted here. I'm guessing you need others to confirm that your feelings about your marriage are valid, because he's probably telling you that you're nagging him about nothing, everyone lives like this yadda yadda yadda.

Get out. Get out as soon as is humanly possible. This is no way to live, and you would be much happier without this marriage.

I'm afraid I have become very suspicious in my old age. OP married someone of 74 with no history of children. Very convenient to have a hostess and a carer. And he spends a lot of time on the internet.
I really think you should talk to your children and also a solicitor to see how you stand.
At this point I would prefer to stay close to my children.

Are you staying for the `beautiful house in France?`if so then that is a sad reason to stay unhappy.

Things haven't changed in two years so they are unlikely to change now. It's hard to tell someone to do this and no doubt a much, much harder decision for you to make and actually carry out but I think you have to leave him before he drags you down further. You seem to have a lovely family network who will support you and hopefully you will see your way to a better life that you can enjoy again

Why are you staying with him? Ask your self and if you find you could manage on your own, then get out of this miserable relationship, life is too short to be miserable all the time.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. My 2nd husband had never been married and so had no children of his own but he has accepted mine so much that they now send him the fathers day cards! So it is possible for him to accept your children but frankly it seems that he doesn't want to. I think the best idea is that as you have 2 houses you go and live in one and leave him in the other and see how he gets on. If he doesn't change then either carry on living apart or divorce.

Yes and I think that what he's banking on. Also for the first few years he made an effort but now he feels you are tied up to him and knows you would find it scary to go. Please talk to your children about this.

Maybe you could move out and make the relationship more like a courtship again?
I appreciate how hard it must be to face the possibility of splitting up, but it sounds quite a joyless existence for you.
I hope you can come to an arrangement that brings you peace of mind.

Ah! what I'm reading is that HE is calling all the shots here, HE wants to keep working/organising etc
HE won't go into your children's homes
HE won't have a social life with you
HE won't compromise!!!
Well, no way in my book would any man -especially a second husband- come between me & my children, EVER!
Nothing changes-if Nothing changes Manny! So change it, get out of each others space for a while-stay with your kids, build a few bridges with them -life is too short for regrets.

The more you write the worse your husband sounds.

If your husband is the catalyst for your feelings of anxiety and depression and having to get counselling and take prescribed medication, it's time to leave whist yku still have your sanity and some semblence of a relationship with your 'other' two AC and their families.
Married for four years, things going downhill after two years...not good.
I doubt he'll change.
I wish you all the very best in making that decision.

Sorry, should be 'whilst you'.