Support for all who are living with estrangement

Hi Aquamarine! What a lovely name! I haven't been on here for a while either, so I don't believe we've met. I'm not estranged from anyone at the moment, but have a few friends who are, so I'm very interested in the problem.

Just to make sure I understand... You're estranged or semi-estranged from your son and dil, but they still let you see gc sometimes? Not as often as you or gc would like, I realize, but you do get to see each other? Have I got that right?

If so, I'm so deeply sorry about the estrangement from your son & dil. It must hurt especially to be distanced from your son. Hugs!

TG they let you see gc though! Sometimes, when the adults are estranged, they parents cut off contact between the gps and gc, too, as I'm sure you know. Hopefully, they're attitude will soften, as time goes on, and they will let you see gc more often.

Wait... I realize Idk if you are actually estranged from your son or just is remiss about getting in touch sometimes. Perhaps he just wanted to spend his birthday with dil and gc or with a group of young friends, and he wasn't deliberately ignoring you? The lack of a ty (thank you) for gifts is so annoying, but I notice a lot of the young people today take a long time to send tys, if at all (sigh).

But you say you "think (you) had something to do with it." Is it of recent vintage? If so, maybe your son and dil just need time to calm down and things will get better after a while. I hope so!

While i have been estranged from my son 7 months now. I have had time think about things and where they may have gone wrong. I made his then girlfriend and her children welcome in our family from day one, but looking back my now DIL has been trying her best to be horrible and make it look like i was always in the wrong. Her first birthday with my son we sent a beautiful bunch of flowers and a card which she said she never received, i was accused by my son then of not caring about her, there have been other things like inviting us for a meal and saying she hadnt. In hindsight she was trying to get rid of us from day one i just didnt see it. I did always wonder why the children didnt see there paternal grandparents, maybe she did the same to them. I do still hope to see him and his children one day. I miss them so much

Ugh! I don't understand why some dils do this, Bopeep! It's as if they go into marriage knowing they're going to push their ils away before they even meet or get to know them. Why do that? If they don't care about their ils' feelings, how about their dh's? And why deprive the kids of gps? Imo, they can't have "too much love!" So why? If the ils were mean or abusive, I would understand. But to set out to co them from the beginning... I just don't get it!

Hugs, Bopeep, just lots of hugs!

A little sad this morning. Missing GC fed up of T&C 's... Fed up of crumbs, other Grandparents treated beautifully, that's DIL 's parents, golden guides. Maybe I didn't see it, I treated my DIL very well, supportive caring and helped financially, even when AC and DIL broke up for a while, she's deliberately cruel and mean. What hope that she ever values my relationship with GC as she does her own parents, I really don't get it, just find it never ending and totally depressing moving forward !!! Nothing gets better. Sorry folks, just how I feel today..

So sorry Aquamarine.....I also feel I am the outsider. Both my sons go on holiday with their wives parents. I have never been invited. They probably think I will be more of a hindrance. My dils mothers are younger and healthier than me and can help with babysitting etc. I just put it down to that. Even my own daughter doesn't invite me on her holidays. I have accepted it now.....just pleased to have the 'crumbs'. that fall from the table of life.

Crazy h...
I'm fairly young and fit, so I can't put it down to that, I help out in all ways , I used to look after GC but slowly and surely cut out ! ?.... Things have just got worse not better, as my GC gets older our relationship will be even more important, she'll remember those times rather than early memories as a toddler. Some people just seem to take joy our of control and being cruel, I'll never understand it , terribly sad.

Got a bombshell letter today from DIL addressed to all the family, saying that they have talked to the children and they want to be an all or nothing family, so want us as a family to stop sending gifts or cards to the children. I have no idea how to react to this. I have tried desperately over the last few months to sort things out but they were not answering any form of communication and then this. I am not sure if my son actually knows anything about it i have text him had no reply, but really not sure he has control of his phone.

Bopeep14

If your son and DIL have asked for no communication, you need to honour that. You don't have the right to contact them if they have asked you not to do that. That's harassment.

Agnurse, I think it's Bopeep's d.i.l. and not son, who sent the message re 'no contact '. Either her son is an absolute doormat or he knows nothing about this letter that his wife has sent. Gosh, I cannot believe the extent to which these girls will go to cut off contact with the in laws. Hateful young women ?

agnurse there is a saying if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything, i think this should apply to you.I have noticed a pattern in your responses, you are antagonist in most things you say everything is not black and white you know. Yes it was my DIL who sent the letter how can you ask a two year old and a one year if they want presents and cards off there grandparents aunties and uncles, cousins etc. Until he met her 4 years ago he was the most lovely person, my mother is convinced she is controlling him somehow. Maybe she’s right.

Bopeep clearly she's lying, as you say how could she have possibly talked to such young children, it's ridiculous; what a horrible person your d.i.l. is.

If it were me, I'd send my son an email or text, telling him that you'll send your GC cards for their birthdays and at Christmas but I wouldn't send any more gifts. This is what we do, we buy 2 and keep the other one for their memory box.

If she is monitoring his phone and emails, she'll know your intentions and that you wont be bullied and dictated too by her.

Before we moved away, I posted a birthday card through our ES's letter box, he opened the door and started shouting at me "we don't want this" so I told him the card was for our GC and walked away.

They wont get the cards of course, and yes our ES and his wife probably do see it as harassment but to be frank, I don't give a damn. They are our GC and if we want to send them cards that's what we'll do.

They'll just have to 'suck it up' wont they. We're as concerned about their feelings as they are about ours.

If you keep up unwanted contact you run the risk of getting a formal cease and desist letter from a solicitor. Even further, if you continue unwanted contact after that, you run the risk of police involvement.

I used to be a regular here but only pop in occasionally now and it is frustrating to see that there are still people like agnurse who claim to know what is right but actually haven`t got a clue what they are talking about.
Bopeep I really sympathise as my dil was like this - she would get hold of son`s phone and send us texts claiming to be from him. She also checked his emails. At one point he got another phone that she didn`t know about as it was the only way to communicate with us. My advice would be to try to talk to him face to face. You may find he is as bewildered as you are. These women don`t want their partners or children to have any relationships that they can`t control.
Our son put up with her for years for the sake of the children but nearly lost his sanity and they now in the middle of a divorce

If you have the slightest inkling that he is in a controlling marriage to the point she is taking his phone and is controlling who he can and cannot talk to the last thing he will need is you rocking the boat or causing an argument between them.
I would tread carefully there and don't antagonize the situation.

Can you talk to him face to face?
Has he said anything about it? If the letter is from both of them and he's in full agreement then I would give him space.

My husband hasn't spoken to his mum for years now. Instead of listening to him she started arguments with him and it escalated alot more than it needed to which then shattered an already fragile relationship. I'm not saying that yours was like that but if there has been tension for a while it might be why?

If it IS just your DIL though, I'd still tread carefully. Dont give her any ammunition.

Incidentally agnurse - I don`t think any reputable solicitor would consider that wanting contact with grandchildren is harrassment, so don`t try to bully Bopeep by threatening her with that. The rights of children to have contact with their wider family are now given more importance (about time too) and no lawyer would try to stop that unless the wider family posed a real threat to the child

eddiecat78

Actually, I have actually heard of situations where solicitors have sent C&D letters to people due to unwanted contact.

The parents have the right to decide who may and may not contact their children. Full stop. Unwanted contact is harassment.

By trying to contact the children behind the parents' backs, you are telling them that it's acceptable to have a relationship the parents don't approve of. This is confusing for children and could even put them at risk for abuse - obviously not by you, but by another adult telling them that they want to have a secret relationship with the child. If the child has already been taught by the grandparents that this is acceptable behaviour, they may think it's okay.

Who said anything about contacting them behind the parents` backs? Only you Agnurse

When I say I know how you feel Bo Peep, I really, really do. My ex DIL used to make me feel so small, so unwanted and so rejected. I cried buckets of tears. I hurt in place I didn’t know could ever hurt!

It was always about her family. My son seemed to be happy to go along with it and never stood up for us. Roll on 10 years and it was all over. Son was discarded and replaced with ano.

For two wonderful years we had our son back ..... saw the grandchildren and were a normal family.

The along came the next controlling lady and things have resumed the old pattern! I realised that there was nothing I could do. Son obviously allows women to control him. The women are more important than his family. The new woman’s family more important than ours.

I have done the only thing I can. Changed my will! Lol!
And am spending as much as I can on myself!

Let them get on with it. Embrace your own life. X

And agnurse - Your comments are not helpful or supportive. You sound like the difficult DIL not the caring grandmother!

I have messaged my son and asked him if he 100%positive this is what he wants, i want him to either write to me or ring me himself, then i know for sure. I think its the least he can do. I have not nor would i ever harass him or his family, if he really doesnt want me or any of his family in his life i will honour that. Pythagorus i feel your pain. Yes i agree i have seriously considering changing my will.

Bopeep ..... the card on my mantelpiece was sent to me by a great friend a long time ago when I was going through a bad time. I have left it there. Because it is so true.

‘Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end’ x

Life is hard and sometimes nothing goes as you expected ! There are nice , kind thoughtful people out there, then there are cruel controling nasty people. Friends say live in the now, look at what you have and not what you don't . It's hard I know, but otherwise me included, we'll go mad... I'm always thinking why and how cruel family can be, there's no answers, other than that's how they are, just be kind to yourself and take what's on offer, I sold my soul ages ago, but if it means I see my GC so be it...

agnurse Do you get a buzz out of popping up on threads, that specifically deal with separation, family upsets and heart break, just so that you can post your vile, vaguely threatening posts? Do you scan all the open topics in the hope that you can spot a post that you can leap on to? Do you have complete and utter contempt for any one that you can see is hurting and bewildered by the situation they find themselves in?
You revel in telling a poster that they should "STOP ALL CONTACT NOW OR ELSE", don't you? What's wrong with you agnurse? What's missing in your sad little life that you find doing that a pleasure? Your horrible, viciously hurtful posts used to anger me. Now I see that you just can't help yourself. Can you?

Ok sometimes I may not agree with everything that Agnurse says and that’s normal. I find the vitriol in your post towards Agnurse uncomfortable, as has been said many times this is an open forum and as long as the guidelines are not broken then anyone can post on it.

For those of you who remember my story, there's light at the end of the tunnel, not a very bright light, but the light is there.
Over the Christmas period , my difficult d.i.l (son is the same) sent a text to my other d.i.l., the actual contents of which I don't know, but the gist was that she was going to start the New Year with a different attitude to life. She said she was going to look at our family in a more positive light. And true to her word, she organised a great party for my daughter's BIG birthday (bearing in mind they were never big friends)....and she is being nicer to me. My son, however, is another story. He hasn't apologised for the nasty things he said in the summer, but although he is civil when I visit, I can still sense 'guilt' perhaps, I don't know. He knows he said the meanest things.
For the sake of seeing your grandchildren, don't give up contact....take whatever they throw at you, this includes the 'crumbs'.....
Pythagorus. how unfortunate that your son should pick 2 women who were equally nasty and manipulative.
Enjoy your life and just hope everything will work out fine in the end. ?