Support for all who are living with estrangement

She's a very selfish person isn't she. No thought for her children let alone th GP's who can't see their GC.

That's all we need isn't is, a celebrity to perpetuate this cruelty

That sounds nice Yogagirl I hope you had a lovely time.

Thanks Smileless

That celeb, I believe, is close to her mum and the mum has taken care of the grandchildren a lot when they were young, so she's not talking from personal experience.

Welcome youngisabel! My heart goes out to you! I'm another one who is having difficulty understanding how your d could behave this way after all you've done/sacrificed for her and her children! Hugs!

I agree with those who say it is probably about more than just the one incident. My guess is there were some tensions building up for a while, even if you didn't realize it. Chances are, she has begun to feel you're "too much" in their lives, unfortunately. As another poster said, it may be time to pull back. Since one GD visits you on her own now, that should make it easier. Perhaps the other one will begin to do that in time, as well.

I'm no psychologist, but I think it's possible your D has even been feeling a little bit guilty about all you have given to her and her family. Also, she may feel a little guilty or embarrassed about how they were treating you that day, so is trying to shift the blame to you by griping about your hiding. I totally get using humor to express a concern, but this time, I suspect you hit a nerve - NOT your fault.

About your other estrangements or whatever - you did mention them at one point. You said something about being sensitive about this because you have had others pull away from you before or something like that. But it's hard to gauge whether there's any connection between those issues and this one. Nor do I think it warrants harsh comments. Especially not in a support thread!

About D - how about inviting her for lunch on a specific day and time and see what happens? Since she doesn't want to talk about "that day," anymore, I wouldn't bring it up. But if she does, I would just apologize for my actions (even though I don't think you did anything wrong) and let it go at that. I wouldn't bother trying to explain - she knows why you did it - just apologize and move on. But, hopefully, she'll join you for a lovely lunch and that incident won't even come up. Please keep us posted.

Hi All- We just got back from six weeks in Florida and I can tell you that beingbin the warm sunshine really did help my December blues about family. Although while we were there Mr. R celebrated another birthday as well as our EGC who is now five, it helped to be away from home. It’s been four years of estrangement and although I’m still angry I can cope. I think we have a breakthrough with my DH because he was asked about how his son was by someone ( my cousin ) who didn’t know of the estrangement. For the first time ever he opened up and said his son was having some problems but that he thought he was okay .
AgnurseI don’t agree with what you said about there being something wrong with a person if more people are estranged from them. Why is it the victins fault and never the person who does the estranging? Can’t there be two people who have a problem ?
It seems you enjoy blaming others on this post.

Misseseff Yes send the card. I sent one two years ago to my son and he didn’t respond. I sent one this last December and a text and I got a thank you for the card and the text. Progress.

And while I’m up and on a roll... it’s interesting to note that people will work with others they don’t like but will estrange themselves with family they don’t like instead of trying to tolerate each other and get along like they have to do at work.

That's an interesting point, Rhinestone! One would think people would have more tolerance for family, but, often, they seem to have less. Then again, maybe some people expect more from family BECAUSE they're family. They might even expect family members to "read their minds," so to speak, where they wouldn't expect that from others.... IDK... Again, an interesting point!

Glad things are back on track Youngisabel, you are talking that is the most important thing. I do think a lot of grandparents do so much helping with grandchildren that sometimes their own physical and emotional well being is tested to the limit. I must admit whenever I had mine I found it a joy and I miss that time, always glad to help out when and how I could, however I would not have wanted full time care of them as I couldn't have coped. I missed so much with youngest, time you can never get back, I was lucky I had other grandchildren to love.

I mentioned on a different thread that GC birthday coming up and DH and I would go shopping for suitable card for memory box over the w/e. Cut a long story short DH is unwell (having all sorts of tests etc) and didn't feel up to the shops. I said not to worry, I'd go on my own today, as it doesn't feel right not to have cards in the box on the day.

Never felt so stupid - in the card shop in tears!. People looked, not a soul said a word to me. Luckily I had a piece of ratty old loo roll in my coat pocket or things could've been even worse! I've felt a lot better lately but its more the heartbreak for our DS who also doesn't see his children. Too complex to go into on an open forum but suffice it to say he did nothing wrong but the law in this country is ……. nope, don't get me started!!!

Couldn't wait to get home but DH has gone to work (yes, even though he's ill and worked all his life, again this country rewards those who do nothing not those who have always worked) so I'm home alone and feeling sad.

Dieting so can't even console myself with a packet of biscuits!

Well just have a couple of biscuits, it wont make that much difference and if it does this week, well what the hell, there's always next week Dontaskme.

We've all been there and done that, wept over the lovely cards we can buy for our GC but know they'll never see.

note no cake or wine; don't want to spoil your diet.

Thanks Smileless - made do with a bag of crisps . I'll do a bit of extra walking on the morrow to make up for them.
This will be the second year of missed birthdays .
Just shown DH the cards I got and it suddenly seemed really stupid. Ah, life.
I'll cheer myself up with an episode of Night and Day

I'm the same re; crying whilst choosing the GC Xmas/birthday cards to the point I can't do it any more. This Xmas was the first year that I didn't, so hard being the 7th Xmas, what do you write to a child you never see, hear of, or get any news of them

If you've read the other thread, you would know I did buy gifts for them though

Buying gifts must have been even more difficult and upsetting than buying cards Yogagirl. Has it helped not buying presents now?

Well I added the cards to the box of plenty! I hadn't realised how much "stuff" I'd stored! I've got loads of photos still in the frames that we had on display. We took them down a while ago as couldn't bear to keep looking at them. There are wrapped presents from other family members for Christmas and Birthdays (before they realised that we aren't able to pass anything on), gifts from us, certificates for stars we named for them, clothes, knitting, toys - OMG it has to stop or the loft will collapse!

Yogagirl I saw the photo of the knitted dolls on the other thread. Some people have fantastic talents. I knit like someone who has just started out and could never do something like that. I have knitted cardigans (in the box) and very basic toys (in the box) and have crocheted shawls and blankets (in the box). Yes, the box is HUGE!! Pathetic I know as we have no idea even where they live now.

We just decided not to buy cards or presents and send them as their parents would never tell them who it’s from anyways. To me it’s more painful to buy the gifts and keep them.
I saw this article by a psychologist who specializes in estrangement.

What do you think about the article? He believes in writing a letter of amends whether you are innocent or not.

Hi Rhinestone, personally I don't agree with writing a letter of amends unless you know why it's happened and accept the role attributed to you.

So many estranged parents don't know why they've been cut out, either because they haven't been given a reason or because the reason(s) they have been given simply aren't true.

Removing your parents from your life and in many instances removing their GC too, is huge step. If there are genuine reasons for doing so, then they should be disclosed and an opportunity given to make amends before driving the final nail into the coffin.

I thought the final paragraph was very good. This psychologist I think has a good insight into the pain that estrangement causes and it was good to see the advice given about moving on with one's life.

Dontaskme what you've done by keeping things for your GC isn't pathetic, please don't think that it is. It has, I would guess been a coping mechanism.

It might be an idea to have a sort out and perhaps keep only the cards from you, star named certificates (what a lovely idea) and things you have knitted and the shawls you've made and take the toys bought by yourselves and other family members, to a charity shop.

It will make the box more manageable and reduce the risk to your loft.

A couple of years ago we had to toy chest made for our GC to use as a memory box, with their names engraved on the front. It's lovely and we have it in one of the bedrooms which is easier than bringing a box down from the loft every time we want to add some thing.

Smileless I bought the gifts on-line and the lady that made them, delivered them herself. When they were finished and ready for collection/delivery, I did question wither I should have, especially as I inadvertently ended up with two sets. One set I put in the nursery, the other, that I should have wrapped and put in their gift sacks, are still sitting on my landing, looking sooo cute!

Rhinestone I read the article, my reason for being cut out was/is jealousy from my GD's stepdad & nothing more than that. I did make big mistakes after the fact, i.e: going to court, but that was 3mnths on.

Smileless2012I agree that our EC should have a conversation first before estranging us but as I have said before on these posts... they are cowardly to not do that. It IS a huge step to take away our GC because of their petty and what they think is a horrible thing we did. Today is the 4 th anniversary of being cut off from our GC , my ESS’schildren. I am fortunate that I still have my DD’s two.
Yogagirl Jealously will do it and isn’t that sad that the stepdad couldn’t share? My goodness we all learn to share in our first years at school.

Dontaskme, I don't think what you're doing is "pathetic" either. In fact, I'll go further to say, who knows? One day, your gc may contact you & ds (when they're older) and they'll be very touched to see tangible proof of how you thought of them all those years. That might not happen, of course. I don't want to raise false hopes. And if it does, they'll probably be too old for most of the gifts. So I agree with Smileless that you sould give some of the gifts to charity. As for the cards, if it's too hard to shop for them, why not order them online?

Meanwhile, sorry dh isn't feeling well. Good for him for going to work, anyway! But I hope he's taking care of himself. Sending you both lots of hugs!

Rhinestone, four years! It's mindboggling! Yet, I know there are gps here who have been estranged longer. I feel like the gc are missing so much though they don't know it, of course.... I could see sending a letter of amends for anything you (general) did wrong, even if the ac did something first. But as Smileless points out, it gets back to the question of whether or not the gps know what they did or are supposed to have done. So many gps say they don't know.

Haven't been on forum for a while...My only child's birthday last week. I wasn't wanted or needed, Think I had something to do with it ... No thanks for gifts , not even a text. My darling GC and i made a homemade gift for daddy, I do try. Still T &C there, not allowed to see her only when they say... Poor darling, I've gone beyond making excuses for them, I say daddy said no I can't see you, I look after GC some Fridays , again not allowed to bring GC home , so GC can't see grandpa. How do people cope, it's never ending....???