Support for all who are living with estrangement

On Thursday my DD had an operation on her broken nose(slipped on my icy drive at Christmas). He was here and took her to the hospital and stayed overnight with her - the practice here. He stayed the weekend but did very little round the house, whilst I did all cooking and washing, changed beds, etc, he sat sunbathing or in his office. Imagine my shock this morning when he left at 8.00 a.m. to go to their flat until Friday, the day I fly home. It hurts to think someone dislikes me so much. DD says that's the only way he can manage.

As Py says we can't change what they do but we can change how we react to it. I'm trying to stay positive for everyone's sake, but I fear something not very nice is going on and of course I'm with my DD and GS.

Hugs to all who are struggling today. xx

Irishrose sorry to hear what a dreadful time you have had. Hopefully things will improve for you now and you will see your beloved grandchild. Keep strong

Irishrose, your story brought tears to my eyes. What a terrible nightmare, but thank goodness the judge saw through the subterfuge and lies. There is a lot of healing to be done, but now at last it can begin. Sorry you're struggling with other ill health issues too but this must be a massive boost to your peace of mind and wellbeing. I think a little celebration is in order!

Irishrose I remember you from previous posts when we were in a similar situation. I know you were willing to keep out of things in order for your son`s marriage to succeed but obviously the situation has been far worse than you first thought. I do hope that you are soon able to see your grandchild. If you aren`t already on Skype may I suggest you do that? When we first started having contact with our grandchildren our son would Skype us when he had them. Because of that they were familiar with us and this made things much easier when we actually met them in the flesh.
Wishing you all the best though I suspect your DIL won`t make things easy

Oh, IrishRose, your post made my heart ache! What a nightmare you and ds have been through! I admit, my first inclination was to say, well, of course, the dad's mum will say the accusations are false, but since a judge threw the case out, I trust you are correct this time. I am so deeply sorry, but I'm glad ds will be able to have his child on a regular basis now and that you will get to see your gd, too. Please take care of yourself because you should - and so you can make the most of those visits!

Pythagorus, I'm so sorry you have this problem with ds though I'm glad you, at least, get to see gc. I take it you think gf deliberately comes up with alleged "prior plans" when she hears that ds made plans with you and he just pretends he "forgot." And that could be, It could also be a lack of good communication between ds and his gf. Maybe she makes plans without consulting him, just as he makes plans with you without consulting her. So then there's a conflict, etc. But, apparently, she always wins that conflict.

Either way, I'm sorry, but I think it's clear she doesn't want to be around you (sigh). I haven't been in your shoes, so Idk, but I think I would stop trying to make plans with them as a family. Not going to happen. From now on, I would just stick to enjoying the visits with ds and gc. Maybe celebrate his birthday, etc. during those visits. They can celebrate separately with gf

I like the way you have a backup plan for that lunch! Hope you and your friends enjoy it! I know you wish you could be there with ds and gc, but being with friends is probably nicer than being with a ds'gf who isn't into you.

Ginny - poor dd! I hope her surgery was successful and that she recovers well and quickly!

I understand how much sil's attitude towards you hurts. No one wants to be so clearly disliked. Is it possible, though, that it's not you but just that he's a bit introverted or has issues with mums being around? How is his relationship with his own mum? Shot in the dark, but that might be influencing the way he reacts to you.

Idk why you were shocked when he left though. I was surprised to hear he stuck around as long as he did, given what you've told us. I'm not sure what you mean about fearing that something "not very nice is going on." Do you mean an affair? Please don't stress yourself out over something that you don't really know. Please just enjoy your time with dd and gs.

Starlady, Yes you are probably right .... whatever it is I am not playing the game. Sadly the last lady he had was the same. He is easily controlled. I would never let a partner I had control me like that. Perhaps he will learn eventually .....

You are right Starlady, SiL has had massive problems with his own parents. Father died an alcoholic; loads of money, but no love. Parents never afforded him enough credit because he's just a lawyer and not a judge like his cousin. I've often thought he is jealous of my DD. I'm fortunate that I have friends who assure me that he's wrong about me. DD's nose is now normal. She looked like Miss Piggy when she came home with a plastic nose shield. Thanks for asking. xx

Also, yes, I have been wondering if he's having an affair.

Thank you all so much. I'm beyond happy right now, although not naive enough to think things will all be perfect from now on.

The main reason for my posting - although I could have out-written War and Peace if I had given every detail! - is because I believe it gives total credence to what so many of us here have experienced, from vicious daughters/sons in law. Despite the harsh objections and accusations we are subjected to constantly on this thread, I believe this is proof positive of how some grandparents are being treated....and those beliefs have been rubber stamped by a top judiciary.

Cafcass came out of this absolutely shamefully, and we will be taking further action. With the proof we have, backed by the judge, we hope to make them realise the pain they cause to people, by not investigating more thoroughly and by not remaining neutral. I personally have absolutely no faith in them and, had their report been accepted, I truly believe I might not be here to tell the tale. That's how badly this has affected my little family.

How lovely it was to see your posts IrishRose, it's been a while since we heard from you, and now we know why .

I hope you're feeling better; no doubt the court ruling has given you a new lease of life as you now have so much to look forward too.

You have all been through so much suffering. Your poor son, my heart goes out to him. Our DS in Aus. is now divorced. He hasn't been through anything like your poor boy, but has been through enough to make my blood run cold. They don't tell us at the time do they, and when they finally do, we feel guilty because we didn't and couldn't do anything to protect them.

The devastation that lies can cause is truly horrifying. It will take time for the wounds to heal, but they will and it would be lovely if you could let us know how things going.

My contact with GD has finally stopped. I've had regular contact since she was a baby, she's 3 now. I've physically looked after her. We are incredibly close, she enriches my life as I do hers. My son text me last night, no phone call.. I knew it was coming. Last week GD told me all my things I'd made her, books I'd bought and shared, photos had gone in a memory box in loft. It was true, no trace of me in their house. My sister had an affair with my first husband , the've since married, she's now grandma , not great aunt. So I've lost everything, the sadness and torture is overwhelming. I'm only ray of sunshine gone...

Aquamarine, a hug and kind thoughts for you. I note the time of your post so I hope you managed to get some sleep. The hurt in your post is intense. You have been treated very badly over a number of life changing issues and you are in shock, so treat yourself with care. Cry as much as you need to. Speaking as someone who's cried for England, I know it helps.

There is so much in your short post for which you need support and probably counselling. Lean on us, but do get help at home. Talk to your GP. Write a journal. I never thought it would help me, but it did. Just get a notebook and write down everything you feel. It can be in scribble, capitals, underlining, any way at all, just get it down on paper. Trust me, it helps.

Start a little memory box yourself, because one day you will want to show your little GD when she's grown, how much you love her. Date them and put them in the box.

Look after yourself, because when we're laid low that's when we get sick and you don't want that. Try to eat something, even just nourishing snacks, like soup, yoghurt and bananas. Go for walks. Talk to anyone who will listen. Tell us, there's always someone on GN who will find time to respond.

I would just like to give you a big hug because I reckon you could use one!

Aquarmarine I’m so, so sorry. Your pain rings loud and clear throughout your post. I can’t add any more to Ginny’s post as that says it all, but I do know that writing a journal can help. You can dedicate it to your GD and put all your love for her into it and perhaps one day she will read it and know.

I'm still crying... Shes my ray of sunshine, we used to sing you are my sunshine. I knew this day would come, over the 3 years, contact has stopped when my son decided he was going to be mean and cruel, I've known it's always been about control. I'm never allowed to speak with GD /phone or see her other than my allocated afternoon. But now that's gone in a horrid text, couldn't even speak to me face to face. Slowly over the last year I knew it was coming, but the shock and hurt is so deep.. I only have one son, no other children... He's mean, cruel and not looking at his daughter, the've brain washed her, she had been saying we weren't her family, and we're strangers, it makes sense now, they'd been planning it. She a clever little girl, she knew we'd become strangers. .. she asks me to phone and I do and they don't answer mobile, I'm not allowed landline number. Just incredibly sad , she'll forget me, our outings, baking , playing, what can I do, the worse has happened.

So sorry to hear this Aquamarine. Your granddaughter should come first in this, it's such a selfish thing for AC to do. Please keep coming on here and realise you are not the only one to receive such cruelty. It seems to me like a bereavement and we need to grieve. I hope you find a little comfort from those travelling that same road.

Thank you for posting such supportive thoughts. It's been a long bereavement in making, I knew this day would come. But still shocked, as I'd never given up on hope. My DIL being a mother and having maternal feelings, thought would see or empathize, but no she was behind my son being cruel and mean, I have my GD's play things in my house, she hardly visits here , she's never allowed a sleepover, it's all too raw and sad, I'm thinking of her little face and my empty promises , the tears streaming down my face. To have and to have lost , but knowing she's here is cruel...

Oh Aqua my heart aches for you

Dear Aquamarine there are no words to describe your pain and how much you are suffering; not even from us, who know that it's like. There are no words, there never will be.

I'm so very sorry. It's not much in the scheme of things but be assured you will find care, support and compassion here with us.

We're all here for you.

I cannot write anything that is more helpful than the eloquent posts above, I wish I could.

The watchful waiting that you have experienced up until your son finally made his decision must have been excruciating to live through.

As others have suggested write anything and everything you can. If you cant write, just post on here as often as is necessary.

Please believe smileless and everyone else, we really do want to help if we can.

Hi again Aquamarine, just wondering how you are. It's very early days for you and emotions are very raw I know. It's a case of taking tiny steps forward, a day at a time. Just focus each day on getting through to evening. Reading between the lines, you have been treated very badly by family members who have caused you great pain. I take it your ex is your son's father? The hurt of that betrayal must go very deep and you have to dig deep now to hang in there.

When you feel a little stronger you might like to speak with a family lawyer about your relationship with your little granddaughter. Whether you decide to pursue it depends on the legal advice, but it would help to show her that you did try to stay in her life.

I hope you have friends and some family members at home to lean on. Take care and let us know how you are.

Aquamarine

Ginny

I would not recommend the legal route. The risk is that Aquamarine would probably destroy any potential chance of seeing her GD again if the court refused her request.

Aquamarine, I'm sorry. I do suggest the memory box and finding other activities to occupy your time, as the PPs have suggested.

Aquamarine I'm certain we have all struggled from time to time in the parenting arena, have made our mistakes only to have their impact hit at some later date in our lives providing us with both insight and broken hearts if we are not hardened by life- I think hearts simply have to break in order not to become hardened- Your son will learn this too if not sooner then later- It's difficult to lose anyone we love and are close to- Take care of you during this time, and know you aren't alone-