Support for all who are living with estrangement

Thank you for your kind words, they are really helpful. @ Smileless you describe the waves so well, I just go to bed if I can and if I can sleep and sleep.
@ Ginny do try counselling it helps me, I am missing it over the Christmas break which I why i've got so low.
However tonight we have had a breakthrough we chanced it and took the girls their Christmas presents, expecting at worst they would be out, or at best be kept on doorstep. But SIL was just headed out to work and was very obviously angry. BUT DD invited us in and we stayed for 2 hours enjoying loads of cuddles with DGDs. I am so happy. There is no knowing when we will meet again, conversation on my part was guarded, and no pressure on anything else, but just pure joy at seeing them again. It has confirmed our feelings that SIL is behind all this. Tonight I feel good and will enjoy this moment for as long as it lasts.
Thank you for taking the time to answer me I really appreciate it,

* Poppins* ignore posters who seem to have all the answers but little understanding. ….as Smileless says, there is care and support and understanding here from both estranged, not estranged but fearful of it and not estranged but sympathetic people ...please stick with it on GN x

Hi everyone. Another Christmas has come and gone, our 6th since our estrangement. Shed a few tears on Christmas eve when 'The Snowman' was on, that always makes me cry so not unexpected.

We had 2 lovely walks with our little dogs, Christmas day and Boxing day. They found a crab's claw on the beach Christmas day and as they wouldn't leave it alone, Mr. S. decided to throw it into the sea, promptly followed by our cockapoo wearing her 'Merry pawmess" jumper.

She can swim; of course she can but it was her first time and I'm not sure who was more surprised, her or us. Out of the 2 of us Mr. S. was the most relieved because had she got into any difficulties he'd have had to have gone in after her.

poppinsit's OK to cry, to scream and shout, rant and rage. Whatever it takes, what ever you want to do, do it. Ginny's right, your DH is probably struggling with your pain as much as his own.

The "utter despair and hopelessness" you're feeling is so horrible. I don't suffer that anymore, thank God but when I did, I used to think of those moments as a wave. A huge, cold and powerful wave that was about to hit me and there was nothing I could do about it so, in my mind I'd curl up into a ball and wait for the wave to wash over me.

Some days it seemed to be one wave after another, a relentless hammering but as time passed, there were fewer each day, then not every day, then not every week, then not every month, and now, well I can't remember the last time I was drenched by that wave.

It takes time poppins and it's different for each and everyone of us. My heart goes out to you as you have no idea if things will deteriorate, stay as they are or improve.

I'm glad you've posted again. Please don't be discouraged by anyone who doesn't understand and doesn't take the time to even try. There's care and support for you here from those who do.

Poppins, you are grieving so allow yourself to cry. Turn the love you feel for the absent, to those around you and yourself. Your DH probably doesn't know how to deal with the outpourings of your emotions so he walks by. That doesn't mean he doesn't hear.

It's horrible and only those who have been where you are now really understand the heartbreak. It's a physical pain in your chest and you feel you can't breathe, but control your breathing and it will subside even just for a while. Breathe in counting to 4, hold for 4 and breathe out counting to 8. Repeat until you feel calmer.

Have you thought of counselling? I'm seriously considering it, as I know this is not going to be resolved in my family situation, possibly leading to DD's divorce.

Is it possible to concentrate on husband, son, and dil, as they are the ones who are interested in you?

Struggling big time here, planned meet before xmas didn't happen as DH went down with flu!
So provisional arrangements for tomorrow as DD said that was the only day she had free and would get back to us, she hasn't.
I text Xmas day and got a late response with photos of the girls and she wished us a merry Christmas..as if that was at all possible. She would have face timed in the past. The only good part was seeing DS and DDiL on boxing day they really are lovely caring people. But please tell me how I cope with the utter despair and hopelessness i'm feeling at the moment. My DH just walks past me when im breaking my heart.
A bit nervous of posting as I was harshly judged last tiem i posted, I don't need that from others, I can do that all to easily myself

It shouldn't make us feel better that others are suffering too, but it helps to feel less isolated.

Have been struggling with a family problem for two months now, but Christmas was my DD, DGC and me. SiL did not come, so we had Christmas to the best of my ability and saw relatives and friends. What will happen now I don't know, but divorce looking very likely, although they seems to be speaking normally on the phone.

Like others here I have decided to get on with my life and wish everyone the courage to do just that. DD and I have decided to meet up away from SiL and not allow him to come between us.

Stay positive.

According to Radio 4 Woman’s Hour item on estranged grandparents about 10 days ago, there are they reckon about a million estranged grandparents who don’t see their grandchildren.

We are not alone. And we don’t need to be made to feel bad about it.

Thank you for support. Good news eddiecat1978...

crazyH I have no idea but wonder like yourself.

I didn't get to see my older son's 2 girls because they have chicken pox. My son facetimed me, and I spoke to the little ones...but my d.i.l. didn't even say merry Xmas to me . I saw her in the background doing something .... what's wrong with some of these d.i.ls.....I give up trying to analyse them

Just wanted to send all my best to the regulars here. Thank God I am no longer estranged from my grandchildren but remember acutely how difficult Christmas was in the past. They are actually with us at the moment with their father (no DIL anymore) and the nicest thing is seeing how much they are enjoying being with the extended family not just us. I don`t understand how any ACs can justify keeping their children from so many relatives even if they have fallen out with their parents.

Luckylegs9 thank you. Yes as a mother and loving him I will try if it’s offered.

In the meantime, I agree with you Dontaskme, getting on with life, or trying hard to, is what I try to do.

Sorry to everyone who has been disappointed or made to feel upset over the "festive" period. At least now its over and 363 days to go until next time, apart from Birthdays.
Like others of you I thought about my GC throughout the day, wondering what they were doing. No contact whatsoever but as they don't remember us they didn't miss us. I had to go to the loo a couple of times to have a quick weep (yes, there's a p on the end!) but kept a brave face in front of DH, which I'm sure he was also doing for me. We both had a kind of silent agreement not to discuss the situation as we know there is nothing we can do and talking about it just makes us either mad, plain pissed off or really upset. As I've been under the weather have been feeing super down already.
New Years resolution - I don't tend make them, but am determined to get on with my life and not stress about things that I can't change and have no control over.

Sorry to hear of all the disappointed posters out there.
I too hoped for a miniscule of contact but nothing. It would only take about half a minute to have responded to my brief good wishes! Like you Aquamarine I think of all the times when I did what came naturally and made them all welcome. The feeling of being unwanted is both unbelievable and sad.

Bopeep
Glad you managed to have a decent day. Unfortunately my husband doesn't see his parents, so really was just two of us. Very sad , expectations too high, disappointment again, such alot if people aren't all family cosying together, but I'm afraid you feel it more on family occasions and Christmas, Easter and birthdays just horrid. Want to be back to normal , my sadness always with me, but accentuated at these times.

Aquamarine big hug, I know exactly how you feel. Managed to keep it together all day then last night our sons ex text to wish us merry Christmas. It broke me.
It’s the first time we have not seen all our children and grandchildren on Christmas Day. I just hope they all had a lovely day especially the youngest it’s her first Christmas.
I did manage to enjoy the day with my other family members but it was always at the back of mind wondering what they were doing.

Yesterday was awful.. I was maudlin but atleast affected no one ! My AC phoned in morning and I saw a pic of my GC. Rather he hadn't phoned, I could see he was preparing for other GP's, and my little GC was playing as it should be. But it just reminded me of all lovely Christmas meals I'd prepared and cooked for AC and grandparents over many years, all nice days we'd had, and how now I'm not invited or wanted. I just don't understand. So yes maudlin. Next year will go away, but really no matter where I am I feel alone and isolated. My hubby fed up of situation too !!! .. hope everyone managed to have a nice day.

I do understand how that fear of being hurt once again is frightening. I have been in a position and it made me feel ill, but I had to give it a last shot so to speak. Is it worth risking? Will you regret not trying one last time? If you do go inform all those lovely supportive people, all will understand that as a mother why you need to do it. If it doesn't work out they and us will be here, then you can put it behind you. At the end of the day it is your decision, but sometimes you have to risk a little to find out the truth.

Hi Luckylegs9, my ES is 38. It’s the not happening and building up hope that I don’t want to get hurt by.
My health issues, physical, are badly affected by stress, so don’t want to make more work and worry for my friends who do support me day to day.

But, he is my son, and the DexH is just being kind.

Sparkly, how old us the son your ex husband will bring to see you? As you are a grandma I assume he's a man and would have to be agreeable to accompany his father. If that's the only way to resume communication, I would go, but be prepared for it not to happen. It is just one day and an olive branch has been extended, your mind is gull if it even though you carry on alone. If it doesnt work out, you will at
least given your best. Don't miss the opportunity whatever the outcome. It's up to you but I would rather fail than not try.

Thank you Smileless.

I think my DexH has the will to see it through but my ES may not possibly.

Some things to think about...

Go with your gut Sparkly. Is he likely to follow through? Is he the sort of person who could make this suggestion and have no intention of being there?

If you have any doubts then don't go. Arrange for a 'phone call or face time instead.

It would be wonderful of course if it were to happen but you must protect yourself as best you can.

Pythagoras I am with you and agree. I try and put it out of my mind because it hurts and I want to just get on with life.

My DexH, my ES father suggested out of the blue 3 weeks ago that if I travelled to a town near my ES, he would bring our DS to see me. Of course I agreed.

With time to think though, if it goes wrong, or I travel all that way and my DexH fails, it will leave me upset for perhaps a year and is it responsible for me to hope it will happen or put myself in the way of hurt again?

I don’t think it’s fair to people around me to get upset again either?

What do you think please, fellow EST Grans?

Good advice Chewbacca.

Still more than 24 hours to go so you could still be OK for Christmas day Dontaskme but then you'll need to rest up to make sure you're fully recovered so make sure you get plenty of TLC from Mr. D.

That's rotten luck Dontaskme, I hope you feel loads better by tomorrow. As for DH.... don't let on that you're feeling much better until has prepped all the Christmas lunch vegetables; cooked the meal and washed up afterwards! It's only fair!

Merry Christmas to you Cx

you everyone? blurred vision, I am ill after all!!! Merry Christmas