Support for all who are living with estrangement

I hope not MacCavity!!

I have read all of this thread and the previous one.

I realise that the people who post on here are potentially in a very vulnerable position, and possibly that sometimes leads to misdirected anger?

I didn't say that I share agnurse' pointof view, but I think she has a right to say it.

I suppose I would think that someone presenting an opposing point of view gives one the opportunity to look again at a situation, and come away either with their previous opinion reaffirmed, or with a new perspective.

I have nothing but sympathy for what people are going through, I just think that banning anyone who says something you are unhappy about sets a dangerous precedent.

Its the equivalent of telling those on a cancer support thread that you imagine their lifestyle must have caused their illness - over and over and over again, I think.

Nobody on this thread has asked for advice, (particularly unwanted advice) just support.

Sorry, had to put my two pennies worth in.

It’s not just on this thread she gives her dubious advice on any thread where someone is upset, confused, hoping for support and sympathy. I wonder at the mind set of a person who ONLY comments on these types of subjects. Never a comment on other subjects.

WestcountryGal you are quite right of course that everyone should be allowed to give their opinion. However when that opinion is regurgitated at every opportunity it becomes boring, irritating and hurtful. As I said in my previous post, anything that proves the truth of the heartbreaking situations we are in is completely ignored. In other words this poster is not interested in healthy discussion and certainly not in supporting, just forcing her opinions on people in her self aggrandising manner. You say you've read the thread in its entirety. Did you at any point see any empathy or understanding from the poster? Did you see the vile way she dismissed the poster Jammy Toast who was suicidal? Or her accusations in the last couple of days to Aqua? Telling her that she was not giving the full information and that her actions rightly caused the no contact. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it. That she had no right to feel so badly because her sister had taken not only her husband but also her granddaughter.

The title of this thread is SUPPORT for all who are living with ESTRANGEMENT and anyone who not only feels unable to give that, but also attempts to blame the very people desperately in need of that support, should NOT be posting on this thread.

Personally speaking, I could give agnurse's advice more credence if it wasn't the same stock answer for every problem presented on this, and other threads i.e. "it's your own fault; you brought it all on yourself; you haveno rights". And it really isn't helpful to be dishing out legal advice that has no relevance outside of Canada.

Westcountrygal…...There is no misdirected anger, no precedent, just people trying to conserve the integrity of this thread.

Over and over it has been put very clearly and with patience that this is a thread for support. That's it.

Miss Adventure has captured the essence of what is happening here.

You're very welcome to start a thread commenting on anything you have said.
Then everyone could agree disagree argue or what ever they wanted to do there.

If you like I could start it for you?

Miss Adventure.....Thankyou for your twopeneth I for one, thought the analogy very appropriate!

I want to share something with you. I got a call from the police. It was a shock but the constable was very polite. He said my daughter had reported me for trying to speak to her about contact with my GS. He said she was considering a non molestation order. When I explained that I was following legal advice by first writing to her, if no response then try to speak to her in person and finally if these things are not successful, ask MIAM (mediation service) to contact her to ask if she would like to come in for mediation. I did these 3 things, each time gentle in my approach, so as not to cause upset. I now find myself shaking from the police contact, albeit that the constable said I've done the right thing and he was satisfied that no offence was committed and he would close the matter. However he did mention that it would be easy for her to obtain a non molestation order, without my being called to any hearing. They call it ex-parte. I am horrified at the thought of this possibility. He also said that she wouldn't need any hard evidence to obtain this against me. He said they share information with social services but as he is closing the matter, I assume this will not be the case. Its made me think whether I should enquire whether my name is known to them. I have absolutely nothing to hide and feel very victimised by my AC. I hold down a professional job and have never committed any offence. All I wanted was to seek a resolution to nc with my GS. Its made me seriously consider the official contact route. Has anyone else taken these steps? I don't want my little GS to know I didn't try my hardest to have contact with him but I also don't want to cause him any undue upset because ultimately, if I am awarded a contact order, she could poison his young mind against me. I am heartbroken.
I do appreciate all the lovely gp on her who post such supportive messages. I have got alot from this thread.. And thank you all xx

Oh Joyfulnanna, what a dreadful experience and very painful considering it is your AC who instigated that. It seems the policeman was actually very helpful in explaining the possible procedures, although it's the last thing you would expect from an AC.

I note your concern about your job and it would be wise to take legal advice before taking any kind of action now. A non mol order is to be taken seriously, and it is the last thing you want both for your sake and for your DGS. It would be disastrous and she knows it.

Take advantage of any high street lawyer offering free advice in the first instance. However, it's my feeling that anything more than just discovering where you stand legally will cause you even more pain as your D seems intent on shutting you out at present.

I'm sorry for saying this, but I think you have to take a deep breath and think is it worth making a bad situation even worse?

I do hope some of the others come along and offer you some comfort. It seems to me you're being punished very severely indeed. Chin up. Stay focused on the long term. Get legal advice and sit on it a while. Listen to other Gransnetters. Don't make a move until you have all the facts.

I feel heartsick for you Joyfulnanna, you must be very shaken and upset. I have no legal advice to offer you but it may well be worth asking for some legal advice on the best way to protect your reputation in relation to your working life. It's a low blow you've been dealt indeed, I'm sorry.

Ouch. That does sound harsh. The only thing I can see that maybe I wouldn't have done is trying to speak to her in person by going to her work. But sending one letter and going to MIAM doesn't seem unreasonable.

You can try to access legal advice. You do want to consider that it won't be cheap (for your or your DD, which could impact your GS), and that you may not be successful, in which case it could permanently destroy your relationship with your GS.

Given that you've had extensive involvement in your GS's life, it is possible that you could win. You may like to start by seeing if you can get a free consultation with an attorney. Many of them will do an initial consultation for free. They may be able to advise you of the likely outcome of your case, and you'd be in a better position to decide whether or not to proceed.

Ginny
Your message was so helpful. It was just so shocking hearing that someone let alone my own daughter, could get a non molestation order with very little evidence. I am actually scared of seeing or bumping into her now in case she thinks I've engineered it somehow. The worst part of this whole thing is that I think she has mental health issues and needs support. She has narcolepsy and struggles with anxiety. When she was growing up, I noticed she easily held grudges and seemed yo thrive on people hating her, like she used that negative energy to drive anger or motivation to live her life...if that makes sense. She would always chastise me for being myself so I often stuck to talking about her interests and didn't talk about mine for fear of upsetting her. She easily got angry with me. I put it down to hormones when she was growing up. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at her actions

Joy I am so very sorry for this latest nightmare. Just the word molestation is unbelievably cruel and is normally used in domestic violence issues.

You must do what you feel is best for you, and I hope you won't think me too pessimistic, but fighting against these things more often than not creates even more stress and pain. When an AC has decided on the NC route, challenging them seems to excacerbate the situation. This seems to have happened in your case with the threat of a non mol. They as the parent will rightly always be treated as the one with the authority, except in extreme cases.

Should you decide on legal action, the stats are not very favourable I'm afraid and the costs can be astronomical.

Lastly, you must consider your health. These things can drag on and on and the stress can have a terrible effect.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace..x.?

Thank you Chewbacca and Agnurse. I didn't go to her work, I tried to see her when she was collecting my gs from school. Yes perhaps that was wrong but I spoke to friends about whether that would be overstepping the mark and they said not at all, hence I went along. I actually didn't speak to her because when I saw my gs I was shocked at how thin he was since I last saw him. I am worried about his welfare.
Thanks again for your concern and advice. I love you lot x

I think you frankly got bad advice. I can't blame you for taking it, but I think your first instincts were correct. If she didn't respond to a letter, the odds were she wasn't going to respond well to a confrontation. That said, as I pointed out, it wasn't originally your idea to do that.

I do suggest that from now on, any contact should be from your lawyer, if you decide to go down that route.

The reason I suggest not chasing children who have chosen to go NC is that rather than encouraging a reconciliation, it's likely to make them even more entrenched. In your case, given that you've had a very strong relationship with your GS and it appears your daughter hasn't had the best one, I think you may have a case to apply for grandparent rights. But I would suggest getting a consultation with an attorney first. Many will do an initial consult for free and you may be able to get a better idea of whether your case is likely to be successful.

Please don’t compare this thread to people going through cancer. They are not comparable.

Momof3....I might have agreed, but it was an analogy.

I've had cancer (5 years and counting) and I'm not offended.
Loved ones have died from cancer, and I still think the analogy was warranted to enable a better understanding of why some people are feeling cross.

I'm very sure the mention of cancer wasn't used to upset anyone.

Agnurse
Thank you. I've had two consultations with solicitors. They've both told me it will be a lengthy and expensive process. I didn't get any further advice about my prospects because they want money up front before they take formal instructions. I have been researching success rates but not found anything specific about grandparents who have been able to secure contact arrangements through the court. Are there any other options you can think of?

Unfortunately your best bet then would be to wait. Given that your daughter has been hostile, I'd suggest not attempting further contact. What you can do, meanwhile, is create a memory box and memory photo album. When your GS is 18, you can contact him and see if he responds. Meanwhile you may want to maintain a social media presence. Even if you don't post regularly, if your GS reaches adulthood and wants to contact you, having a social media presence may make that easier.

You may also want to consider grief counselling for yourself. The purpose being to learn how to manage in the context of loss.

I'm clutching at straws a bit now, but if you can put her behaviour down to her health issues, perhaps you can stop blaming yourself. If she needs care, who is providing that? I know very little about narcolepsy, but who else lives at the house?

Careful who you speak to, as she may interpret other family members' or friends' intervention as harassment, but is there anyone in the family who is close to her? That may help you feel better just knowing that she has that person/those people for support.

Clearly her Dr can't discuss it with you, but make a list of why she may be behaving in this way. You may need it to defend yourself in case she takes offence at something you may say or do. Is she on meds for the anxiety? Has she taken an irrational dislike to others? Could it be medication which makes her this way?

It's going to be very hard and you are going to have to dig deep to find the courage to just keep coping, but your love will be your strength.

Nothing we can say will ease the worry, but yes, we're holding your hand from afar. Keep talking to us, we're listening. xx

Ok agnurse, you win, carry on enjoying your sick game.
I’m off.

Yes, me too. I have tried and had assurances but they were obviously meaningless. Such a shame.

And to Joy I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Keep strong.

I too will once again leave this thread. I hope all those in pain will eventually find peace....Much love.x.?