Support for all who are living with estrangement

What are you playing at Agnurse? Surely you don`t think we have all forgotten your previous comments? If you really have changed your viewpoint how about apologising to all the regular posters who you distressed in the past?

Ladies who liked my posts, thank you very much for your lovely words. Your positive feedback means a lot to me.

Despite being a newcomer, I am already gaining a great deal emotionally from this thread and from the sense of belonging to a community.

I wonder if posters who have gone on to experience partial / full reconciliation with those who previously went NC with them might like to share some thoughts about why they think this came about.

Cherries,
I have had a pretty hard time with my older son and his wife. It seemed that this d.i.l. never liked me at al . When she first married my son, things seemed ok, but my word, since then, she really seemed to nurture some hated towards me and so did my son. Nothing I said or did was right. Came to a head last August at my birthday lunch....he had a few drinks, accused me of favouritism and a lot more. And messaged me to say they were breaking all contact with me. I have 3 children and I have treated all the same, been very generous with them. To cut a little story short,
I have a big birthday coming up this year and this particular son's wife has rung the family and is organising a big party for family and friends. She is so enthusiastic, it's unbelievable. She is all over me like a rash. I don't know whether it's because I'm paying for us all to have a London weekend or whether she has realised that I'm not too bad a m.i.l. after all.
Don't give up hope. This son, I mentioned earlier has always been a bit of a problem....very grumpy and pouty. I suppose it takes all sorts to make a family.

Cherries, we were virtually estranged from our DIL and 2 grandchildren for almost 8 years, but not from our DS though communication with him was very difficult. DS is now separated from her and we see the children (not often as they live a long way away).. DIL never really explained her behaviour but has admitted to DS that she was unreasonable and wrong. I believe she just didn`t want him or the children having any relationships she couldn`t control. She has never apologised for the years of heartbreak and despair that she caused. Throughout it all I continued to send her birthday presents etc - mainly because I didn`t want her to have any excuse to claim I didn`t care. I know that some people will say I shouldn`t have pandered to her and I did feel a hypocrite but I was desperate.

Thanks for this, crazyH. I'm thrilled for you and hope that this will be a lasting reversal of NC. If you, your son and d-i-l are ever able to feel comfortable enough
to be able to discuss this situation together in a way that reveals how this change of attitude has come about and if you are then ok about sharing some of that content here, in outline, it may be useful for us all.

I'm sorry to learn this, eddiecat78, and feel for you. This seems to be quite common, sadly.

Cherries - it took me five and a half years to get my daughter to meet me for a coffee and that was only after me emailing and suggesting it was time to put all that had happened behind us and start anew.

I think it could have happened sooner if I had pushed harder for it - maybe she was afraid that I wanted to play the blame game but when I made it clear it could be on her terms and at her speed, we managed to get where we are today, which is a very good place (but not where we were before it all kicked off - we’ve both changed and need to be aware of that).

I think now that I treat her as my equal and am mindful of what I say and don’t say whereas previously I was probably too honest and forthright in a way that only a mother can be. She was the same with me but she didn’t like anything other than unconditional approval whereas I’m not bothered if someone disagrees with me.

If I have one bit of advice to give anyone going through this awful thing, I would say offer to start afresh with a good heart and no looking/harping back and stick to it through the early days. There may or may not come a time to analyse what happened to tip the No Contact situation but I’ve found that I care less now 8years later and prefer to look ahead.

I genuinely see my daughter as my friend now, one who makes me laugh, think and respect the way she has brought her children up to be polite and hardworking. Her ways of doing things aren’t mine but then I also did things differently with her upbringing.

So never give up hope, never stop trying to put things right and when you do reconcile, no recriminations.

Holding hands with all who are experiencing the pain of lack of contact with their grandchildren. I do believe it's a grieving process. Takes its to on your health and that no one really understands unless it's happened to them. Please let's support x

Joyfulnanna - I am currentlty finding that it is also something that comes back to haunt you. Although our estrangement from our grandchildren is now over I am finding myself thinking about it a lot at the moment. My daughter has recently had her first baby and we see him a lot - which is wonderful but it is also a very strong reminder of everything that we missed with the other two. This new ones laughs if you blow on his face - I will never know if the others liked that, I don`t know when they first smiled and never saw them crawl. I am looking at this new baby as if he is my first grandchild - which doesn`t seem fair on the others.

I will try Cherries.....it's a difficult topic to start, but when I'm brave enough, I will, and I certainly won't mind sharing it, if it will help other GNs..
Ediecat, don't think about what you lost, think about what you now have and make the best of it.
Wish all estranged grandmas and grandpas will have that joy sooner rather than later .

I'm yet to find someone here who has taken the matter of contact with GC to court. Is there really no one?? I cannot imagine letting my situation go on for years before reconciliation. I don't want to miss out on precious years of my young gc's life. I feel for the lady who has missed her gc growing up and now has a new gc with whom she is beginning to know for the first time. Yes I can imagine how the feelings come flooding back of estrangement. Over the years my daughter has pulled contact with my gc when she doesn't need me. Does that sound familiar with others? Early years it was all hearts and flowers. I treasure these times but the sudden nc in the past hurt me but she didn't care a damn. The problem is social media where messages are used in place of talking to one another. Even texts are no substitute for a quick phone call to explain things.

Sad today, miss GC. Sun shining, I've kept busy gardening but wondered what GC was doing in lovely sunshine and warmth. This NC is so hard and hurtful. I think of my GC every day. ..

Hugs Aqua

Awww Aquamarine. Tell me about him..xxx

Joyfulnanna there is one poster who did but she does not post on GN so much any more, and I think it is understandably difficult for her to keep reliving that period in her life.

Perhaps the other regulars of the thread might give a view about that.

I understand there are some private facebook groups for estranged GPs. Obviously I do not have details of those, but perhaps the thread regulars who are very familiar with the resources/support groups available might put you in touch with those?

Thoughts are with you all this weekend which I know will be a particularly difficult one for many.

Of course you think of him Aqua, and you always will. You will learn to blink away the tears, but they will still come, often when you least expect it. Why not write him a letter and put it in his box? Just tell him about your day. Take a photo of the finished garden. He's old enough to possibly have memories of your garden where he played when you finally show him. Hugs for being brave. xx

A very quick search for 'support groups for estranged grandparents' brought up a lot. Check them out.

You could start a new thread with the title for example: Successfully sued for contact with grandchildren? This may attract the attention of people who have or who know someone who has. Nothing to lose by trying.

Cherries, Edicat, CrazyH, Joyfulnanna, Aqua, Carolina, Muffinthemoo, Smileless, MissAdventure, Chewbacca, and anyone I've missed, Thanks for the genuine support

Megan, Irishrose and MacCavaty…. just pop in and leave a hello now and again, and if you feel low you don't have to say why, we'll guess and send you some virtual flowers!!

Joyfulnanna.
My GC is a clever little cookie. She's warm, has a sense of fun and mischief, but in a good way, loves to be outside, we often went to my allotment, she loves nature, birds, animals, plants, we used to make daisy chains, and pick buttercups. She loves to paint and make things, just as I do. We loved to share a book, read together, and when she was allowed to come to granny's we baked. I'm just incredibly sad , I know she'll be missing me, and my selfish AC won't explain to her, she'll be confused, she'll think I've forgotten her, sorry very tearful.
And yes a hard weekend, I've arranged to go out with a friend. I know my AC will be out with my replacement granny alias MEDUSA, my sister....

Oh goodness Joyfullnana - that must have been such a shock!
Thinking of you all.

Joyfulnanna - Reading through your. Posts makes me very sad. Poor you, how horrible to be treated like this by your own daughter. How could things come to this? My take on it wouldn’t be to challenge and fight it. I would back off and busy myself with other things . Things may come good. The more you push, the worse it will get. I know it’s hard but it really seems to be the best way. X. Worked for me!

Thank you muffinthemoo, namnsnam and ginny, got to say your support is so comforting and wonderful on here.
Aqua, your gc sounds like a little sweetheart, and I so understand why you miss her so much. The gentle way you described your days with her are so similar to mine. He would walk past flowers in my garden and say "nanna look at your beautiful flowers". I'd make him dippy eggs with soldiers and we'd make gingerbread biscuits. We'd go for a jog together and he'd say, cmon nanna you can do it. What laughs we had and silly chats. No one can take away my memories of him. You must take pleasure in giving your gc your time and know that she'll remember you with love xx

Thank you pythagorus. The problem with leaving it is that I know my gc will be missing me and I feel like I'm letting him down. He will be confused I know because when it has happened in the past, he expressed how much he missed me when I was "on holiday"... I wasn't of course but that's what his mum told him to save him from asking her if he could come and see me or stay over. I kinda feel I've got nothing to lose to apply formally for contact. I'd love to have the patience to wait for my AC to have a change of heart but she acts like a hormonal teenager and can't see things improving. Maybe I should have more hope or faith.

www.aga-fl.org/this_is_abuse

This is worth reading, I think, as the insights and opinions expressed and a few facts (e.g. about increasing fragmentation of the extended family structure in society) support many ideas and disclosures on this thread.

I also came across last night Grandparents Plus (grandparentsplus.org.uk) - a national charity which champions the role of grandparents in children's lives - and Grandparents Apart UK which is a campaigning organisation that offers help in the form of mediation to parties who are willing to work on repairing family relationships.

Joyfulnanna
I feel literally your pain... like you my GC has been told , I'm busy, this must be so confusing , last time I saw her she said I really missed you granny.... I felt like crying, but of course didn't. It's cruel and mean. My AC won't care, that's the worst of it, nor will be twisted DIL. I've tried so hard in the past, but realise she has deep issues too, and they surround themselves with poisonous people.
Ladies it's so hard isn't it. Thank you for all your support, it's invaluable. ???