Support for all who are living with estrangement

I see the gentle caring nature of Cherries and Maddyone. It has given me comfort that I'm not alone. We all want what's best for our children and gc. We will forgive endlessly and try to understand what they are going through. We have lived longer than our children and experienced more than they have and yes, I believe we are wiser. With wisdom comes greater understanding and patience. We hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. When we are treated badly, we make excuses for our children and we never want them to suffer. We are eternal optimists yet keep being let down. I honestly don't know how we can be so strong, but we are.

I often wonder if there are gp on here who would consider fostering.. There are so many neglected children who've had a bad start in life. They would benefit from having one of us in their lives

I haven't contributed to the thread for a while, but I read the posts every day and gain perspective and comfort from the wisdom of others. The problem I have with my SiL rejecting me has been identified by Cherries and maddyone.

He has a mental illness and is on medication which he sometimes decides to stop taking, and that's when the problems start.

He had a very difficult childhood, very wealthy family but little affection. In my view he was in fact neglected by his parents and his siblings have told me this too. His care was left to a nanny, the cook and older siblings. He didn't have toys, or he was given money to go and buy himself something, and he has on occasion bought for his son the toys he longed for but didn't have. It's all very sad, because he's changed from being a lively, humorous person into being withdrawn, hypercritical and yes, sometimes, a bully. We tiptoe around him and keep my GS from 'bothering' Daddy.

As I said previously, he moves out of the house when I visit. Last month he went for two weeks whilst I was there helping because my DD had an op. on her nose. (They live abroad so I can't just pop in.) He returned for the hospital visit and overnight, but left again.

After giving me a 'telling off' when he tried to tell me all the things I'd ever done wrong, I told him he made me sound like a very bad parent, he said, 'I wish I'd had a mother like you.' Talk about mixed messages.

I think he is jealous. Jealous even of his own son, for the childhood he's having, jealous of my daughter for her loving parents, (We're divorced but her father loves her just as much as I do); jealous of her very successful career.

So friends, I'm very lucky compared to many of you, my DD and my lovely GS are coming for a few days at Easter to celebrate a family event, but we're a broken family and it makes me very sad. My GS now knows his D doesn't like me.

Stay strong. Cry when you need to and just let the emotions wash away. Easter will be hard, but keep on reading and writing to us. We care and we do listen. xx

Just cried my eyes out.... I really miss my GC, how on earth do we cope without the hugs, kisses, spending time together, fun, laughter, everything, it's mental torture. Yes keep yourself busy but I go to bed and wake up missing her... I'm still extremely tearful, I'm amazed at how someone my only child can inflict so much pain, it's appalling and wicked.. hopefully ladies you're having a better day than me.. ?

((((Aquamarine)))) Just a hug for being brave. That's the way the pain takes you and from time to time it's overwhelming. Sometimes you have to give in to it and have a therapeutic cry.

I was wondering whether some on this thread are close enough to meet and chat. Would it help do you think to be able to chat in RL? Like the meet-up groups, but people who suffer the alienation dilemma. I don't think it would just be sitting around in tears over a coffee. It could be empowering to speak to real people.

Just been having a catch up. Good to hear your positive words pythag
Feel for everyone else who is still struggling on
Still waiting for ANY contact at all myself
Hugs and strength to all.

Haven't been here for a while, so also catching up. My heart aches for you Aquamarine! I agree with Ginny that you are very brave. So are all of you dealing with estrangement.

Ginny, once again, I'm sorry about sil. And I think it is just as well that you see dd and the kids without his being present. There's a lot of advice out there advising dils to agree to their dh seeing his parents with just the kids and for dil to stay home or go out if dh's parents come over. Perhaps sil is following that kind of advice. Of course, it involves longer periods in your case since you live at a distance.

I don't think it's the end of the world that gs knows his dad doesn't care for you. I knew my df (dear father) didn't like my mgm and I don't think it hurt me in any way. I'm more worried about the tension the kids are under when they're told not to disturb him. Has dd thought of taking the kids and moving out?

It would... I've googled support groups lots, but none really for this sort of heartache , estrangement ! I would like to meet up yes... Are there any others I wonder ?

Yes Aqua, a meet up is a good idea. It will help to share emotions, stories and support. After an 'almost' estrangement , last August, things are ok now. But I would still like to meet up with the lovely ladies, who gave me so much support during that awful time and to give hope to others. As long as there's life, there's hope .
I am in South Wales, and I know another of our regular posters lives near.

.

We all seem to be spread out over the country but we could meet somewhere equidistant from each other. It would be a nice break for me to get away so yes, I'd like to meet in RL. I don't know how to pm on here but we could set up a small what's app group.. What does everything think?

Where's RL ?

RL = real life crazyH

Dear fellow posters

To all those who are hurting, love and hugs. I know that pain. At the moment I am in remission from it but I am sure it could come back one day!

All of us mothers are on a different stage in our journey with our ACs. But we all have certain things in common.

We gave birth to children and nurtured them until they flew the nest. They are now adults. They may or may not like us. We may or may not be the people they would choose as friends. We may or may not like them. We certainly may not like their chosen partners and their chosen partners may not like us! Mostly we adore our grandchildren ...... and want to spend time with them. Our ACs may like that, especially if they need childcare! Or they may think we are not a suitable influence!!

But we are the mothers of the ACs ..... it is hard to cut the umbilical cord. We may feel they owe us, or they are still our children, we may try to keep our nuclear family together ..... when in fact the have their own families now, their own traditions.

I have been on the rollercoaster of hurt, tears and recriminations. But I was not only boring my friends with it, I was boring myself! I am done with it! Nothing is good or bad .... but thinking makes it so.

So this Sunday I am in my summerhouse having a glass of Prosecco ..... going to spray my roses and read the paper.
I have been to Bodypump and walked the dog.

I used to pay for my AC and two grandchildren to go skiing every year with me. This year he told me he was moving on with his life now ..... and went skiing with his new GF and her children. I felt rejected and hurt.

But then I decided I would still go and I paid for the single mum next door and her daughter to come with me. They can’t afford it. The joy it gave them and me was priceless. Things my son took for granted were just amazing to a young woman who has never had caring parents. Who has never been treated.

It was my birthday last week. Son and family were away ..... I booked a table at a lovely French restaurant and treated my friends.

I shall spend my time with people who want my company.
I am on good terms with my son. I have to accept that he doesn’t want to see me as much as I want to see him. He prefers other people’s company

I have accepted my situation and refuse to make myself unhappy that my reality doesnt match my ideal. I have dropped my expectations.

You push forward ..... the other person pulls back .....

You pull back ....... The other person comes forward.
If they don’t, they just don’t want to be with you. But others do!

My strategy seems to be working for me. Less hassle with AC. I was even invited for Mother’s Day lunch this year ..... and that’s a first in my life!

I refuse to spend my last 15-20 years fretting about my AC and his family. I am going to embrace MY life whilst I can!

PS. And I am spending his inheritance as fast as I can! Lol!
So why not make a shift? Focus on YOUR life now, put them on the back burner. They may come forward! Love to all of you. I wish I had a magic wand so I could fix everyone’s pain .... but hopefully our joint sharing on here will help some people find a way forward. X

Very well written Pythagoras and all your words resonate with me - you CAN have a good life in spite of your children’s behaviour but you have to actively choose to do it. Well done you x

On days like today, I miss my sweet GS so much. I think of things we would be doing, going to the park, eating a packed lunch, talking about things he likes, watching him ride his little bike. Stopping when he wants to, going at his pace. Breaks my heart I can't go and see him. My DD would probably call the police, the rotten sod she is

Thank you pythagorus, you are right in all you say. I wish I could move on like you have. Love to all. X

Pythagorus
What a wonderful post . Happy things came good for you but isn't it hard work ! And how lovely to treat others ! I agree with lots you say, I have times when I can think hold back, but mostly I miss my GC.. that's because I had regular contact until recently. I've always tred on eggshells, and knew this day would come, I know the brain washing will begin of GC, sad but true. I would of adored a daughter in my DIL but no amount of trying has achieved that, she's just selfish and mean.. I'm not perfect , but who is, I've genuinely done the best for my AC and I think he had a carefree and happy childhood, surrounded by family and his school friends. So I'm cross this has happened, he has issues but doesn't realise he has me, I've never faltered , no matter how he's treated me and my husband ! I'm in Staffordshire but don't mind travelling , premier inns brilliant !

Is it too far for everyone to meet in Bath. Its so beautiful and if youve never been, a real treat

Pythagorus, you are so wise and a complete inspiration to us all. When my children were young, on several occasions, I hosted a teenage girl from Eastern Europe, from an orphanage, who had nothing. We are still in touch and she says that I changed her life. She has so much more appreciation and sometimes it seems more love for me than my semi-estranged adult daughter. I wouldn't want to cut out my daughter, as the bonds of motherhood are too strong but, using my head and not my heart, I honestly think she is less deserving. I love her completely and would give my life for her, but I would be lying if I said that she is not a disappointment to me, at least at present. But we live in hope, what else can we do?

A lovely city and with a rooftop spa ! I've been, bliss ! Bath is good for me. How do we communicate with each other, I'm not particularly IT savvy ! ?

Dolcelatte
I've always believed in hope but now have none , I've never given up but latest has shocked and hurt me, so what is there left, AC done worst thing possible and he knows it , it was planned...

To deliberately hurt the person who gave you life in the first place is cruel. Whatever he thinks you've done, it would be better to just not communicate hateful things.

(((Aqua)))

Ginny42
I've never been so hateful or spiteful really, it's not in my nature...
I've lovely generous friends, they could vouch for me...

I can easily do Manchester, Liverpool and Chester. Bath would be a lovely weekend away. Aqua, click on private message. I've just sent you one so check on Inbox on the home page.

Pythagorus, what a wise, inspiring post! I'm glad you've moved on, and I imagine that seeing this has made ds and dil feel more comfortable with including you in some things. Sometimes it seems when one person pulls back, the other moves forward. And it looks like that has happened here. Please keep enjoying your own life!

Ginny, I see you've thought that sil might be having an affair. Very sad if he is. I hope not for dd's sake and the kids. But I can see where it's possible.

Aqua, how painful to be torn away from gd like that! I don't believe she'll forget you, though, and the good times you had. They will live on in her memory, no matter what her parents say.

You say you "saw" this co "coming." It seems there has been increasing drama between you and your son, am I right? If so, is there any way you can reverse it? Anything you can apologize for or promise not to do again that might soften their hearts a little? Just trying to help you find a way back.

Even though you saw it coming, the wounds are fresh. So I'm not surprised you're crying a lot, and so on. So sad, but the crying is par for the course, I think. You're grieving what seems to be the loss of a relationship (I say "seems to be" because maybe you can reverse this).

Meanwhile, love the memory box idea! I agree with agnurse that the legal route is tricky. If you were certain that your son and dil were never going to let you see gd again, period, anyhow, then it might be worth the risk. But since I think there may still be a chance that you can turn this around, I would hold off on that, use it only as a last resort, if at all. No matter what, I would hate to put my son's family through that and hate to have them spend the money on court that would be better spent on gd. But that's just me.