Support for all who are living with estrangement

I never used to be this patient.....it's probably not patience, it's just anything for a quiet life. GN is where I let off steam and my days, am I glad I found this site ❤️

I'm going to be a gran again in about a month, but won't be allowed to see the baby or know she has been born. How am I meant to deal with that?

That happened to us nearly 3 years ago Punk. I remember breaking down and saying the same thing to Mr. S. and our DS 'how on earth am I supposed to deal with this'.

I can't tell you how I dealt with it but somehow I got through. This support thread helped considerably and I know that you will find comfort and support here, just as I did.

I'm sorry I've only this and to give you.

How much more can you or any of us take ? In your case, I feel that there is more chance of a reconciliation, because it's your daughter after all. But in my case and others like me. it's a daughterinlaw, who probably hates us (mine does). There is not much hope .
This time last year, I was invited to their Bonfire night party. This year, we are not even talking. So sad !

Mr. S. has just given the ultimate definition of being lazy. He's finished his olives and as there was no bag in the re cycle bin, he's left the empty container on top.

He's pretended to be shocked by this post but I did warn him. He's expecting lots of sympathy and is now putting a new bag in the bin and the empty olive container inside.

Any comments welcomed.

I think you just have to have hope and to realise that things can and do change and that your grandchildren will be individuals with minds of their own, even as your children are. I am in a similar situation and that is all I can suggest really. As the saying goes, you cannot change people or situations, only your reaction to them.

I will sympathise with Mr S, only because I have a soft spot for men who are loyal, faithful husbands. On those grounds alone I will allow him to put his empty olive container on the top.
Well what can a man do, when someone who is supposed to line the recycle bin has forgotten to do so ? ?He's not lazy, he just believes in job distribution ?

Oh crazyI also "have a soft spot for men who are loyal, faithful husbands". I think we need to discuss what we both regard as "job distribution"I have a feeling that we may have a totally different interpretation.

Hi everyone, reading all your posts just now has really done me good. What I have been struggling with is with the passage of years, most times I can handle estrangement. But then again I often get upset and angry. Seems like what from everyone's been saying, especially CrazyH, that it's all grist for the mill. My granddaughter to this family is now 14, so I doubt she is going to be interested in a relationship with 'an oldie' now, no matter how well we got along all those years ago. I know what I was doing at 14, and believe me, it wasn't chatting happily to oldies. Now, I'm going to bed to read. Night all!

Hi lizzy the passage it time is difficult to comprehend isn't it.

You never know, there may come a time when your GD wants to find the GM she hasn't seen in such a long time and it wont be long until she's old enough to make that decision for herself.

It does happen and I hope it happens for you.

Saturday was the 6th anniversary of our estrangement but on a brighter note, 2 years ago today we moved into our new home.

Our little dog's recovery is going really well, quite literally in leaps and bounds and that's the real challenge for us, trying to stop her leaping and charging around.

I was just thinking about the passage of time the other night on Halloween. I saw pictures of our estranged GC in their costumes. We will never be able to get back these young years again. We may have a relationship with them when they are older but there will always be that hole that can never be filled. So many things we are losing and for what? I hate to sound so depressing but our children are really mean and rotten. Where did they get this notion that they are entitled to treat us this way? I know I didn’t bring my son up to not respect his parents or grandparents and neither did my husband. So can someone explain how this all happened? Is it their peer group? Television?

I don't think we'll ever know Rhinestone. We watched the film 'Shrek' on tv last night and I couldn't help wondering if our eldest GC was watching it too, were we doing the same thing at the same time.

"Mean and rotten" two of the more polite words I sometimes use when I think of what our ES has, and continues to do.

It can't be easy for you Rhinestone seeing their photo'sI'm glad we never see any of ours.

Smileless, sending you a virtual hug at the image of you and Mr S watching Shrek and wondering if your eldest GC was watching it too.

Thank you Iam, you're very kind.

I'm fed up with feeing so sad all the time and even more so now that Christmas is approaching and everything makes the awfulness of our situation so much harder. Anyway I've decided whatever it takes I'm having word with myself and picking myself up.
Haven't had any contact for almost a year now and even though we were so kind, thoughtful, caring, generous, proud and welcoming whatever we did wasn't good enough.
My confidence has been smashed to bits - if I've been the best version of myself that I have ever been yet it wasn't good enough, how am I ever going to be good enough for anything or anyone?
Right, I'm stopping that now. Tomorrow I am going shopping and I WILL look at Christmassy things and smile and I WILL chat to strangers and smile and I will see little ones and smile - might end up being arrested as a weirdo though!
Onwards now, the only way is up and I'm going to find something to look forward to every day if it kills me .

Don't waste your life wishing for what you can't have. I beat myself up for years, tried everything before I said no more. they know what they do hurts and for some reason it doesn't register with them. I have had to realise that in her eyes I don't matter, but I also know I would never hurt anyone like that, that I tried to sort things out, I came to realise that life is too short to keep beating myself up, crying, not eating and wishing I wasn't here. Without a partner, it's doubly difficult, you have no support, my estrangement started just after
my husband died. Try to enjoy what you do have and not what you don't . It doesn't feel natural for a child to turn against their parent but I'm afraid it's very common now. I value the life I have and have to be content she is happy with her family

Dontaskme as you haven't had contact for almost a year, I'm wondering if this will be your first Christmas living with estrangement or perhaps it will be your second.

It's such a difficult time of the year. So many adverts on tv portraying 'happy families', all of those wonderful gifts we would have bought for our GC if only we'd been given the chance.

I love Christmas it's always been my favourite time of the year and as we approach our 7th estranged from our son and only GC, all that I love about this time of the year is putting into the background the fact that we never have, and more than likely never will, celebrate Christmas with our GC.

I'm going to think about you drinking in the atmosphere as you "look at Christmassy things and smile". Looking forward to looking forward is possible everyday. It took me a while to realise that and made such a difference when I did.

Luckylegs.

It's odd what sets you off sometimes. When we were initially cut out, friends of our ES, some who'd we'd known for years blanked us, it was very upsetting.

When Mr. S. retired just over 3 months ago he received some lovely messages wishing us well, from 2 of them on FB. Last night he noticed it was the birthday of one and asked me if I thought he should just wish them a happy birthday on FB so I said yes, why not.

The response was immediate and a brief exchange of pleasantries followed but although I was pleased I also felt angry. I know that they became parents some time ago, and I always wondered if they'd ever regret their treatment of us when they experienced for themselves, the joy their parents would have being GP's. If it would bring home to them the enormity and cruelty of what our son has done to us.

My anger was irrational of course. It wouldn't have changed things for us if they'd continued to treat us as friends following our estrangement. It wouldn't have made any difference if they'd questioned our ES's behaviour and tried to make him see that he was wrong. One of his friends did this but to no avail.

I suppose my anger stemmed from the fact that some, who'd known us for years, one who'd known us since he was 5 years old, appeared to be so willing to believe things that there own experience of us should have told them couldn't possibly be true.

Last night I was thinking 'too little too late' but this morning I'm thinking it's nice that the birthday wishes we sent really meant something to him, after all this time, and were appreciated.

My OH parents disowned him when i became pregnant with our now estranged son, over the years we have tried to make contact but to no avail they have never been interested in having a relationship with us or our children. If we see them, they are polite as are we and say hello but thats it. I think this is why my ES is finding it easy to justify and keep us away from our GC because it didnt affect him not having two sets of grandparents.

Thanks for the comments
Bopeep I had to read that twice to take in what you'd written. I would have thought that your ES would want his children to have 2 sets of GP as he didn't, but what do I know?! I'll never understand any of it.
Went to the shops and saw lots of twinkly sparkly useless nonsense but enjoyed it all the same. Made myself get on with it and refused to behave like a daft old bat and it actually worked for a while. I do feel better now I've just accepted we did nothing wrong, none of this is down to us and life does go on, so enjoy it

maybe it did affect him Bopeep. Perhaps his GP's estranging themselves from his father, taught him at some level that that's an acceptable way to behave.

The awful thing is that he's teaching his children the same lesson but I doubt he'll find it acceptable if God forbid, one of his children ever does that to him.

DontaskmeI'm glad you enjoyed your trip to the shops. Small steps are the ones that take you forward, a little at a time and I think you've taken a large one today. Well done.

Mr. S. and I have just got back from the cinema having seen Bohemian Rhapsody. It was brilliant. The guy who played Freddy Mercury was amazing.

There's a lot to be said for retirement.

Last night I had the sweetest dream. My nearly ES came over to visit me, gave me a big hug.....I told him to always remember that I love him with all my heart. Woke up with a jolt, only to realise it was just a dream.
I'm not really looking forward to Xmas this year, even though I have my 2 other lovely AC and the rest of the gc. I have bought advent calendars for all, but I doubt I will get the chance to give them my nearlyES's kids. Never mind.....this feeling will pass. Have a nice Sunday everyone. Sun is out today xx

Beautiful service at church this morning. So many poppies on display and the 2 minutes silence following the last post was very moving.

crazy I'm sure you'll look forward to Christmas as it gets nearer and will make treasured memories with the G you do get to see.

We'll be posting a birthday card to our youngest GC today. He'll be 3 in a few days, shares his birthday with Mr. S..

Awwww....that's lovely...sharing a bday with his granddad ...btw, does you have gc by your other son. I can't remember

No crazy. His divorce has just come through so maybe it's just as well.