Support for all who are living with estrangement

? I think you and your husband have had it hard Smileless and although you are not estranged from the son in Australia, you have two sons you love not around, yet you and your husband are happy together. It comes over me in waves, the older I get, I get scared not having that contact. I was always fusing around filling the dozes, but I find now it all too exhausting, when I have too much time on my own, I dwell on how I got it all so wrong.

Yes Luckylegs ....we all wonder that

But we're so fortunate to have one another Luckylegs God knows how either of us would have coped without the other.

The older I get, I get scared of the thought of losing Mr. S. but I keep telling myself that life is for living.

One thing I know for certain is that we didn't get anything wrong, neither did you Luckylegs or you crazy. They got it wrong, horribly wrong and maybe one day they'll realise that.

It’s 10-years now since my ES cut me out of his life. He has had children born since then that I have only heard about on the grapevine. I have tolerated being treated badly by his sister, my youngest for years. She has only contacted me when she wants something. I have been her Personal Consultant, Researcher, and when she was younger, Emergency Banker. She hasn’t called me for many years just to say ‘hello’, not even a text without some request. In addition, I have tip-toed around her on eggshells as it would take so little, or even nothing at all (e.g. “I know you’re thinking . . .) to annoy her.

I amazed myself recently by finding that I had reached my limit. I had had enough. We had a What’sApp discussion (I wouldn’t have been able to make my points in an live discussion). I told her that I had had enough of being a scapegoat who was there at her beck and call, that she only contacted me when she wanted something, that she seemed unable to reflect on her own behaviour and that until/unless she does, I’m done. She has a lovely 8-month-old baby boy and I am very sad not to have regular contact with him, but in the interest of my own mental health, I have to do this. We live at opposite ends of the country, so contact requires a lengthy visit, rather than just a pop around. I’m not prepared to put myself through the stress any longer. Although it’s very sad, I am also aware of an uplifting sense of liberation. Like so many of us, Christmas has been especially tough for me over the years, both with the estrangement from my son, and the tip-toeing around, and abuse from my daughter. This year, I think I’ll be fine. As has become our family habit, Christmas day celebrations take place at my oldest daughter’s and lovely Son-in-Law’s, rather than at my house. Their children are lovely, my husband (not my youngest two’s father) is lovely. So sod them!

Those of you who have loving partners for support, are really blessed. They take away a bit of your pain, not all, but at least a bit.
I can't talk to the other children because I don't want to get in the way of their relationships. Can't talk to friends because they have such stable families. So I plod on alone and come here when I want to vent.
My problems only started in August even though my d.i.l. has resented me from the start....I could be wrong, but that was the vibe I got.

Hi Stella I'm sorry that you finally reached the end of your tether so to speak, but we all have our limits and you're right to put your own health and well being first.

Given time, your D may take a look at her behaviour and reflect on how that's affected you and your relationship with her. You have your D, s.i.l., GC and your husband to celebrate Christmas with and I hope that this year you will be fine.

I've a feeling you will be.

crazy we got that vibe too, ignored it until we were finally cut out, just couldn't believe it was happening I suppose.

Thank you Smileless. It’s possible that she will reflect and I will always be here for her if she wants to behave differently.

CrazyH, you are right of course, having a loving husband and other family does make estrangement much easier. I am so sorry that you find yourself alone with this. If you can afford it, perhaps consider paying for a regular counselling session. It’s so important to be able to talk. Also, as you say, at least we all have each other on GN.

Crazy H My problems only started in August as well although like you I knew my DIL didn’t like me. It seems a life time ago that I have seen my son I miss him so much it hurts and the thought that his two children not know me hurts worse I am dreading Christmas. Although I have a partner he won’t let me talk about as far as he is concerned he is done he says our son will either realise what his wife has done or not there is no in between .

We got a new Xmas tree the year my ESS and his wife cut us off. We have not taken it out of the box yet. I have not set up any decorations in four years. We used to be the Xmas Eve house that everyone came to but nothing now. Even though I have a DD with two children it’s not the same.
I contacted my son via text and he raised the bar on conditions to seeing him. Someone on a previous page mentioned mental illness and jealousy of a sibling and I think that’s whats going on here. My ES now wants my DD to call him and apologize for a fight he started on my birthday. She texted him two “I’m sorry” messsages but it’s not good enough. He has no job and is living with my x... a forty year old man that life seems to have passed by. So he won’t meet with me to talk even though I’m fifteen minutes away and is holding me emotionally hostage until he gets another I’m sorry from his sister. My brother is mentally ill and has only left his home twice in the last year fearful of the world. My ESS is still silent. How the heck did we get here?

Sad at terms and conditions with seeing GC. So sad. Only our GC suffers, don't parents value grandparents relationship, I know our GC feels sad when we are not allowed to see her. All so sad and painful. Not how we thought things would be. ?

Rhinestoneput up that tree and decorate your home for Christmas. I remember our first Christmas, watching Mr. S. out in the cold securing the Christmas tree and arranging all the lights he'd just bought.

He told me that as far as decorations were concerned it would be our biggest and our best, and in that respect it was. Of course in every other respect it was our worse.

I'm so sorry that your ES is raising the bar yet again. Having already apologised your DD is unlikely to do so again and maybe he knows that, so is setting an impossible task so that the failure is yours rather than his.

I hope you can enjoy Christmas this year with your D and the GC that you can see. Do try with the tree and decorations, it could be a small step forward on the road to recovery for you and your DH. I don't suppose any of us will ever completely recover but these small hurdles that we overcome can help ease the pain.

AquamarineI cannot begin to imagine what it's like for you to have no contact with the GC you know and love. At least we and our GC don't suffer that way. The eldest wont remember and the youngest never had the opportunity to meet his paternal GP's.

Smileless2012 I never thought of that about my ES wanting us to be the failure and cause of not speaking to us. You are truly one smart cookie. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be asked about his life too. Why no job? No home?
He needs so much help. How does one go from functioning to not functioning? Next week is our EGC’s eighth birthday. Does he even remember us anymore? It’s hell to have known him and have him taken away whereas his brother we don’t know.

Rhinestone. This is what they all do. It has to be our fault because goodness knows it can't possibly be their's so they set an impossible task which they know we'll fail and hey presto.

This really is a nightmare for youknowing that your ES needs help but refuses to let you do anything to
help.

Thanks all for the chance to vent. She's going to have the baby soon and no matter what we do, we will look like idiots, because if we try to see the baby she will turn us away, and if we don't we look cruel. I give up, taking nothing to do with any of it.

Last night I saw the John Lewis Christmas advert on tv for the first time and found it rather uncomfortable viewing. It's about Elton John's childhood and shows him receiving his first piano on Christmas day, being lovingly watched by his M and GM.

I've always been a fan of his music but never knew much about his life. Knew about his failed marriage and some years ago his marriage to David Furnish and the very sad and public estrangement from his mother.

Despite years of non contact, attributed to her dislike of his husband, he continued to support his mum financially and they were reconciled shortly before her death.

The advert ends with a moist eyed Elton sitting at an old up right piano, suggesting that he's thinking about his mum and GM and perhaps wrongly, all I could think about were the years they were estranged and the fact that she never got to see her GC.

In today's DM is an article by Philip Norman aptly titled IMO, 'Elton's Christmas Myth'. Rather than focusing on the relationship he had with his mother, it's about his father Stanley. The tragic and rather warped view he had of his father who he accused of deserting them, which his father denied. That when his parents divorced his father left them with nothing, also denied by his father.

Elton has apparently said his obsession with outlandish platform shoes was due to his father not allowing him to own a pair of Hush Puppies.

Two exerts are particularly striking. Stanley has said that when they divorced, he opened an account in a West End store and bought for his son the Hush Puppies he so badly
wanted.

Of course his denials and the purchase of the shoes could be untrue, but there is proof about who bought Elton his first piano. A receipt from Hodges & Johnson's music store in Essex from 26th Feb. 1963, just before Elton's 16th birthday. It's for a secondhand upright pianoforte in a walnut finish, by Collingwood for £68 (£1,400 today).

This has resonated with me and I'm sure it will resonate with all of you. The re writing and total fabrication of history to justify the unjustifiable.

The pain of a parent, in this case a father, being at best falsely represented and at worse lied about and portrayed as a harsh, unloving disciplinarian who abandoned his wife and child.

We have all thank goodness been spared the public humiliation that poor Stanley was subjected too, but know what it is like to endure the pain and the humiliation in private.

Punkperhaps you could send a card, at least then you wont "look cruel" and will save yourselves the pain and humiliation of being turned away.

How sad for Elton's father.......why do some AC choose to recall the negative aspects of their childhood , instead of concentrating on the positives. Why do these AC twist and change their histories ?
I have never liked Elton.....coincidentally, the advert has just come on ....strange ..

The Elton John situation is even worse than that Smileless. He claimed for years that he became estranged from his mother because she didn’t get along with his husband, but that wasn’t true either. She was in her 80s when he had a row with his former manager, fired him and another long-term member of his long term entourage. These men had also been friends of his mother for many years. One of them lived locally to her and helped her if she got stuck with things. He demanded of his mother that she drop them from her life and she refused, so he ranted at her, told her he hated her and but her off. To my knowledge, he did not help her financially through the next 8 years. However, they reconciled some months before her death at aged 91, and he paid £30.00 for her hip replacement in that period. Elton
John admits now that this is all true. He sites his temper as a problem ?

It was worse than I realised then Stella; how awful and how strange that he's made the advertit's not as if he needs the money is it.

I think they change and twist their histories crazy because they can't face the truth.

Well I can attest to changing history with my son. He claims he didn’t do anything the day of the fight with his sister. Yet my mother, DH and myself all witnessed two fights he started, one being in public. But his story is slanted to make him look innocent. I am sure this is what some of our EC are doing. If you tell a story long enough you believe it.
Today is the 8 th Birthday of my ESS child. We do not send cards or gifts as the parents would never tell them the truth who it was from. Here I go angry again and feeling like writing a letter telling them how horrible they are. I want to scream at them and I want them to experience the same feelings that we do. They have two boys and I hope when the boys marry they marry women who don’t let them see their grandchildren. This is very childish of me I know but it’s how I feel right now.

Don't blame you at all Rhinestone. I don't mind admitting, I have, on the odd occasion wished that my son's marriage would fail and we wouldn't have to deal with his nasty wife. And then I hate myself for thinking that because I know he would be devastated if she were to take the children with her. He adores his girls and he does love his wife. He is a good loyal husband and provider.....works hard for her and the children.....so, I think we're stuck with her ?

Oh dearMr. S. bought himself a model plane kit, to give him something to do now he's retired. I've just suggested he read the instructions before beginning and he told me he can't work out how to get the top off the glue.

Could be some time before we see the finished article.

That's so funny Smileless......don't tell Mr S I said that ...hope he has got the glue sorted by now ?

Bless him. He knows I share these funny stories with you all crazy to raise aand he's such a sweetie that he doesn't mind. Which I suppose is just as well.

Smileless

Oh, boy. Reminds me of a TV commercial I saw years ago. In the background you hear a bunch of men trying to put something together - I think it was maybe a barbecue. One of them asks where the instructions are, another says they don't need them. In the foreground the instructions suddenly hit the ground. Next, one of the men says he's going to get his power drill to put the thing together. The front page of the instruction manual opens and the next page reads, "Do not use power tools".

When I saw that Elton John advert I couldn't believe the cheek of the man. He was dreadful to his parents, telling lies and making himself out to be a victim. In truth he wants things his way,or no way, he's a Diva, one day his children will realise what sort of guy he is, talented yes, but is he a decent human being? He and his partner have bought their way through life, who would be there if the money dried up? His parents would have been. His mother refused to be bullied by Elton, she remained her own person to the end, she knew the truth. I do believe people that estrange themselves write their own scripts